give me something, anything.

there were times before Christmas that i really dreaded thinking about spending time with my family.

i thought out loud "oh God. why would i go back?"

there are various reasons that i dislike spending holidays with my family. one of the most obvious is that my grandmother has the tact of a jellyfish and my grandfather is 1 step closer to 'certifiable' every year [bless his heart, i love that man, he will be missed, he is a walking one-man-show]

but most importantly, my dad is not in town for holidays and my mom doesn't know a thing about me.

living with my mother and grandfather last year at this time was very hard. my mother never asked how i was doing. she would always unload on me about her divorce from my Dad and whenever i might offer my own vulnerability she'd change the subject back to herself.

in a lot of ways talking to/dealing with my mom is like dealing with a 12 year old. in many ways i find myself 'mothering' my own mother and it just doesn't settle well with me. i don't wan to have to guide her or hold her hand through life, she's an adult. it's hard for me to lead my own life, much less allow her to destroy any optimism i may have scooped up along the way.

i spent a total 4 hours with my family, and although i am thankful for them in ways that i may never understand or totally acknowledge, i know that in the future i will be able to be closer to them and it will be a healthy place of growth and joy, but this year was not that year. i spent the better part of 3 days with Carla and her fabulous family. warts and all Carla's family is the kind of family that i hope to achieve one day. the traditions, the unconditional love, the spats and forgiveness, everything is a learning experience and at the end of the day, they love each other, and they allow me to be an adopted daughter.

i love that.

just in time for Christmas.

so, lately i've been comparing my life to walking down a dead end road.

marriage was a dead end.

seminary was a dead end.

getting a job at that book company was a dead end.

waiting tables for 6 months was a dead end.

now, my nanny job has become a dead end.


not that i thought i'd be a nanny forever, wait Peter Pan, children do get older, they won't need me forever. but i did think that at most i would be employed by this family until next July and then i would try and become a teacher. that was my plan.

that was the plan until i realized that the family i work full-time for gave me 2 weeks off for Christmas because they don't need me and they are not going to be paying me for any time off. AND on top of this, when i voiced my insight on how Nanny-etiquette would dictate a situation like this should be handled, they met me with resistance and insisted that they should not pay me. i tried to stand firm and they eventually met me 1/4 of the way, AND in the process said something along the lines of "Jill thinks we're overpaying you enough as it is....." and the father went into a little bit of a rant about how i only have one child while the other is at school. blah blah blah.

let me just say that in NO circumstances should an employer mention to an employee that they want to keep that they think they are 'overpaying' them.

wow. that was such a slap in the face. and the worst part is that i had to take their offer because i have no other options. i have no savings to fall back on. i don't have parents that can shower me with unwarranted monies. i have too much pride to ask people for money. so i have to grin and bear it with this job until i find something else. on top of that, there seem to be 100,000,000 hoops to jump through in order to become a teacher in Wake county. awesome.

it's all just in time for Christmas.

i know that this year has been great and that i have learned so much, but i am still just feeling so

dis:
-enchanted
-illusioned
-gusted
-appointed
-couraged


and since i've got 2 weeks off, i know myself well enough to know that i won't be nearly as proactive as i will need to be in order to find another job....but i want to prove myself wrong. BLAH so much to think about!

heart chaos.

i would be pretending if i said that everything is coming up roses in my life right now.

in the past week i have had 5 serious talks with 4 separate people about things that have been experienced or observed about interactions with said people, and those kind of serious conversations always take a lot out of me. like, my appetite goes away and whatever i do eat gives me serious stomach problems. my nerves just go straight through the roof, it's obnoxious.

also, i called Seth last week and got an automated voicemail, didn't leave a message, but then called him the next night and left a message. tried to do like Monica and sound 'breezy' [Friends? anyone?] but i wasn't calling for any reason except to see how he's doing. it has been over 400 days since i saw him, and right at about 6 months since i last spoke with him [since May] and i haven't missed him or wanted to be back with him once. i can honestly stand behind our decision to split, but that doesn't mean that i don't want to be cordial and call him. and, the holiday cheer/spirit got to me and i felt like it's probably the most appropriate time of the year to extend an olive branch.

he hasn't called back.

i wonder if i have the wrong number. either way, i'm not too worried about it. mostly because i do what any good 'ex' would do, i.e. i used facebook to check on him.

back in October i realized that i was looking at his page too often, and so i blocked him and i hadn't allowed myself to look at his page for a very long time. but on Sunday night, i guess i relapsed, i went into facebook, unblocked him, looked at his page, and then promplty re-blocked him. it's so funny to type it, to admit it out there in the cyberspaces, that i am one of those people, but that's how i do. :) i was happy to see that he changed his profile picture and seems to be tagged in a few pictures at parties and stuff. so he's being social. also, and probably most critical to me, he is still listed as Single. although, after reading the latest on his wall posts, the girls he is meeting out there seem to be chatting him up quite a bit. so good for that. i think i mainly check on him because i get worried that he has sequestered himself and might not be too social. but it looks like he's doing a good job of getting out, so that is the best thing i could ask for.

of course, if he calls, i will post. if he doesn't, i imagine i will be posting anyway, because the holidays make me think a LOT.

the title 'heart chaos' also has to do with a lot of my emotional state right now, i am feeling the ache to have a love that 'lasts forever' [i have sappy movies to blame for that]. i am feeling like i wasted 2008 and that i still don't have a 'Big Girl' job like i wanted to have back in January. i am feeling like i am always too quick to talk and volunteer things about myself before i take the time to listen [i am getting a big "SHUT UP" sign from God right now]. i am feeling like the only boys i might ever be interested in romantically, could potentially, reject me because of the fact that i have a past that doesn't exactly shine like the sun. i am feeling like there are issues with my family that i just can't pinpoint, that i would rather crawl to the top of Mt. Everest in a bikini than sit at my grandmother's table and eat Christmas dinner for 1 minute {what is it?!}

so much to think about. so much heart chaos.

it's a holiday

opposed to last year, this Thanksgiving is going to be TONS better and more fun.

last year, i had been home, living with my mother and grandfather for a month.

last year, i was focused on how alone i was. how it was my first "single" thanksgiving in over 6 years.

last year, i was ready to crawl back into bed and not be present for any part of the festivities.

this year, i live in a new house, with my awesome roomie Carla.

this year, i have never had so many people that actually care about me.

this year, i am not thinking about how i am 'single'. i've been single for over 6 months now, which is fun. i'm still cautiously learning what it means for Lisa to be Lisa and not Lisa & ______. you know?

also, my younger sister and i took a 13 hour road trip to surprise our older sister Melodie up in Massachusetts. we schemed and connived a plan with her boyfriend so that we could walk in on them at a restaurant and totally surprise her. we did and she totally cried. it was awesome. being in the car for 13 hours would not be fun for most people, but with Sophie, it was totally fun, and it actually felt like a lot less than 13 hours. i freakin love my sisters. this turkey-day is already leaps and bounds above last year's thanksgiving. the best part is that i know that i had nothing to do with it, i am learning to be thankful to God that He is the one in control and that when i let go, He can totally work a miracle in my life.

burnt up.

i had my fire last weekend, and it was glorious.

i had tears in my eyes as i saw the things that had meant so much between Seth and i, go up in flames.

i had a friend take some pictures for me, here are the best images:





throwing on some of the 'love' notes he wrote me, and a few pictures.



this is a pic of a 2 paintings i made for him, the blue one is 25 different ways to say i love you, i.e. different languages. there is another painting being licked by the flames, you can see it has a lot of little words on it, these were all the reasons i loved him. i made these in my junior year of college.

he never hung either one.
this was the fire after i had thrown everything in. i love those ashes.

fire.

one of my new friends from church ended an engagement over the summer. she was supposed to be married on Oct 4, and so as the day approached, she asked that we help her distract herself from wallowing in "what should've been happening" during the day that Saturday.

we went on a strenuous bike ride, we spent time primping and making ourselves look h-o-t, and we went out for an evening on the town. it was a good time, and we made sure that she knew that we were happy that she was happy and that she was loved.

the next day, as we were talking, she mentioned that she knew that the end of October was going to be hard for me and so if i thought i wanted to, she would help organize the group to celebrate the day that i drove back home from Kentucky and started my life over. yes. i think i will take them up on it.

i've been sorting through my things, and i have an entire box of things that i want to burn in a 'cleansing ceremony' for myself. "love" notes, presents, books, etc, anything and everything that reminds me of Seth. i want to cleanse myself of those things and i want to see them all burn away into nothingness. so i think i am going to ask my friends to have a bonfire with me.

won't that be fun?! i will def. take pictures and share.

p.s.
i have a crush.

Divorce Care

tonight i went to my first Divorce Care class. if you don't know what it is, it's basically a support group for people going through or finished with separation or divorce, but with a Christian faith based curriculum and video series.

believe me when i say that i was wary of the class, especially because the videos on the website are SO circa 1986, but i have been looking forward to being around other people that are going through similar situations in their lives so i gave it a chance and went.

i will say that the video was borderline "how old is this footage?!" but in the end i was really happy to sit through it and to take notes during it [i love taking notes. i am such a school nerd].

it touched on so many of the thoughts i've been having, and of course, made me cry like a baby as i processed what it talked about. i will post more later as i review my notes.

meanwhile, i have had a shitstorm of trouble with my car - registration, inspection, insurance. etc. don't even get me started on that topic.

so much to process.

life together

i am so happy to have friends in Raleigh.

i have always had friends, i've even been what i would consider popular (i was homecoming queen and beat out the cheerleaders!). i have people who care about me, i know this, but they are busy living their own personal adventures and walking their own paths.

i've never really had to beg people to hang out with me. but since the unmarriedment, and living in an entirely new city, i have found myself lonely for friends. of course i've been lonely for a romantic partner, but i have also been lonely for a group of friends who i can be myself around.

there is usually a 'testing' phase when you meet new people, you know, where you're super polite "If you're hot, let me know and i'll turn up the A/C." "No, no, we can go wherever, i'm in the mood to eat anything." and the 'testing' phase usually means that no one is truly being themselves. i like to skip the polite phase and just jump into being as awesomely lisa as i can. but i know that this also gets interpreted as 'coming on too strong' for new people, and that's why i've been lonely in Raleigh since January.

i just wanted to find people who can laugh, and pray, and yell, and cuss, and cry, and laugh more, and truly be themselves. but it was always hit and miss, crash and burn, with a lot of the people i've met through the restaurant job, or other various avenues of introduction. it seems like i'll get along great with someone i meet and i'm looking forward to hanging out again, and tick..tick..tick...nothing. they must not have been so impressed with me. or i'll meet someone who is moderately interesting and/or cool, only to find that they have the most irritating personality ever later on into conversation.

living with Carla is great, don't get me wrong, but it's more than that. it's finding more than one person that i can be myself around. Carla loves me, i know this, and i love her, but we can't fulfill the social needs of one another indefinitely, and so, i began attending a small group Bible Study and it has been just what i needed.

this group that i have started going to (Carla too, we both like it), is a group of people either my age or a year younger, and we meet weekly, we make meals and take them to the homeless, then we eat together, then we pray for one another, then we read the Bible. it is soo sooo sooooo nice to be with other people, in a location away from my house for one night a week (although, i've been over there more than once this week already, and i'm going tomorrow for small group!) it's been awesome to just have some regularity, have some people who are pouring their hearts into mine and vice-versa. it's nice to be cared about, joked with, and hugged. oh, the hugs are the best part. hugging is loneliness' kryptonite.

i am just so thankful, it was about time!

iowa and home again

so i spent the last week in the great state of Iowa helping with flood relief. the flooding happened on June 12, and there are still houses that haven't been touched!

i had to have some serious talks with myself so that i would actually come back to NC and not stay in Iowa indefinitely.

reasons why i couldn't stay there:
-no income (car bill, rent (no way i would get a subleaser!), student loans, utilities, car insurance, cell phone!)
-too far from people i really love
-no car
-sleeping on an air mattress is only fun in short amounts of time
-losing my job here b/c it would be 'irresponsible' for me to just not show up for a few weeks.

it really came down to the fact that i have bills to pay. if i had a guaranteed way to make money while volunteering (i.e. freelance writing or something fun), i would have stayed for sure. alas, i had to come back, and even though i miss Iowa ferociously, i am glad to be back, glad to get back to normal, and now i am daydreaming about my next Disaster Relief opportunity (not that i'm hoping for them, but natural disasters are bound to happen!)

travel

going to Iowa to volunteer for 7 days.

flight leaves in less than 7 hours.

will post intermittently throughout my trip.

i've been thinking a lot.

got a lot to say.

wordle

this is a wordle from my post about being 23 yr old divorcee and being a Christian.

i just love seeing all my words floating around.
it makes it feel less sharp, and more productive.

i love how small the word 'doubt' is, how healing is right at the heart of it, and how devastation is the first word and hope is the last word i see when i skim from left to right.

3 weddings in 2008

a real wedding, a fake wedding, and a fast wedding:

the real one was the one that i wrote about earlier this year, the one in which hijinks and hilarity ensued.

the fake one was the one that i went to yesterday, the one where the couple has been married for a year and a half but "needed" to have a church ceremony.

and the fast one is one that i will be going to (not a part of) in November, i say fast because they got engaged Aug 4 and their wedding date is Nov 22.

a little more about the fake one:

i say fake for several reasons 1-they eloped to Las Vegas over a year and a half ago and have already been officially & legally married since then. 2-i don't really think they love each other. she needed a reason to move to America and become a U.S. citizen. i'm betting that it doesn't last very long once she's officially a real 'Merican. i also say this because i know for a fact that her husband is a creepy, perverted, repressed douchebag and is not someone worth marrying. 3-it was super lame.

it was a Catholic ceremony, the first Catholic ceremony that i've ever been to. needless to say i was a little lost, but i was sitting with a friend who is Catholic (albeit she hadn't been to church in over 10 years)....and she was able to help me navigate through. i noticed that the bride and groom weren't even touching each other, much less looking at each other, and so i asked my friend if that was part of the custom. she said that it was, and that they would eventually be prompted to hold hands by the priest....but even once the big P told them to hold hands, etc, they looked uncomfortable with each other. i don't know, it was very very telling.

funny note: they had Communion, with real wine (my church uses grape juice and we don't really believe that we are drinking blood and eating flesh), and while i refrained from partaking in the sacrament b/c i'm not Catholic and didn't want to offend anyone. but what cracked me up was when Communion was over and the kid (he looked to be just about 21) who was helping the priest had to drink the rest of wine. almost no one took Communion, so he was up there, just drinking away. and it cracked me up!! so funny. to me....anyway.

at the dinner after the ceremony, i sat with one friend, but we were sitting beside 2 strangers. as we got to know these two stranger ladies that were seated beside us, i came to find out that the girl beside me was married, unhappily married. it didn't take long before i just enlightened her on my life post-unmarriedment. and she was enthralled. she was like, everything you're saying is something i have thought over and over for the past year and a half...... i gave her my number and my email address, she said she felt bad for talking about divorce at a wedding reception. but i told her that there's never a bad time to be honest about stuff. and as many people as we know getting married, there are going to be unhappy couples. it's just the statistics..

i'm looking forward to the 'fast' wedding in November. although their engagement is going to be short, i'm sure that their wedding will be simple but fun! they've dated for over a year and he's a preacher and she's a teacher. yes, they are also innately cheesy folks, but i absolutely adore this girl and i know that she is really going to be happy with her man.

as far as i know i should only have 3 weddings for 2008...on the docket for 2009, i've got 2 weddings already: May and July.....i wonder how many more there will be!

the hard parts.

i know that i should be happy that my friends came over for my birthday party this past Saturday, AND that there were over 20 people that showed up for it.

i know that it was pretty great for my grandfather, dad, mother, sisters and Carla to call me on my actual birthday.

i know that it was great for my new job's family to have the babies sing happy birthday to me.


but the hard part was coming home to an empty house at 5:15 with absolutely no actual birth-day plans.

the hard part was not getting a call from Jeannie (who hasn't spoken or typed or txted a single word to me since her wedding in JANUARY, don't know why?!) or from Ray, or from my Mentor.....

the hard part was realizing that i have spent my last 8 years with a significant other in my life. seriously, since 2000 i had a boyfriend/fiance/husband on my birthday. so even if my friends might have let me down (for various reasons, school starting, moving in, moving away, etc. i think that having a mid-august birthday can be just as annoying as a mid-december birthday b/c it gets lost in the shuffle) i could avoid having feelings of disappointment by having a boyfriend who would take me on a date.

the hard part was realizing that as much as my family loves me, besides Sophie, i haven't seen any of them for weeks and none of them really have made an effort to come and visit me. birthdays aren't really all that big in my family. at most we might go out to eat, but there haven't really been 'presents' for a very long time. and certainly no birthday parties. it's just kind of disappointing when you know that your Dad loves you but didn't call until after 5pm, and even then, we only talked for 2 minutes. yes, literally 2 minutes, i just checked it. he did send an e-card, but even that was disappointing.

the hard part was realizing that on his birthday a week and a half ago, i sent Seth a simple, friendly email that said "happy birthday, i hope you are well". and i know, that he knew that it was my birthday yesterday, and yet, nothin. i guess that cutting me completely off is part of his coping mechanism, but damn, really? we were together for 5 years. geez louise.

the hard part was waking up at the ass-crack of dawn to go watch other people's beautiful children, in their ideal, incredible home, with pictures from their wedding day everywhere, feeling dead on my feet b/c i was so tired (i am NOT functional before 9 am).....and getting home right at 5:15 only to realize that the only immediate plans i had were to take a nap.

the hard part was realizing that dwelling on all of these things was just making me resent being alone on my birthday. so i made some plans, went out and played pool for a couple of hours, and made the best of it.


hilarious side note: i really dislike my grandmother. she sent me a card to say Happy Birthday and to remind me that my birthday present was the car payment that she mistakingly paid for me in July (she cosigned for me, my payment was late [for the first time in 3 years] and so she paid $200 for CarMax to stop calling her.) i will be paying her back as soon as i can cover my bills and make up for some late credit card payments.

my birfday

today is my birthday!



i am currently spending it alone (am i okay with this? maybe. i haven't decided. i'm trying to avoid feeling lonely...)


i'm 24. eep!


Carla isn't even here for my birthday, because unfortunately, her Grandpa died on Monday! sad sad sad!

first day joyfulness

i am usually quick to jump to conclusions about the new things in my life, i.e.:

"i love my new job"-i was fired 5 weeks later.
"getting married is the next step for sure"-well, we all know this didn't exactly pan out.
"this guy is awesome and i think i can get serious with him"-most single guys are douchebags....and it takes too long to sort them out [they should wear nametags: "Hello! I'm James, (Douchebag)"


but today i had my first day on my new nanny job and i really really enjoyed it a LOT. i don't want to make any grandiose statements like "I love it and want to do it forever..." or "It's PERFECT", but today did go really really well.

last fall when i was still married, i was a nanny for a family with a 2 1/2 year old and a 1 year old and it was SO challenging.

first of all they didn't have a very big home, so i rotated from the kitchen to the living room to the upstairs kid's room and somedays i was inside their house from 8 am to 6 pm and it made me crazy.

secondly, the dad worked from home, so he was always in the next room, which had its upsides, but definitely made me feel like i was being chaperoned on my own job.

thirdly they had a LOT of restrictions for their kids, like organic foods, no tv, closed circuit tv baby monitors (so i could actually watch the kids take naps w/o being in the room, it always made me feel creepy)......

the family that i started with today has very similar guidelines, like the fresh foods, nothing fried, no tv, but they're more relaxed about things like no baby monitors i just have to keep an ear out, no coddling (it makes the kids much more mature and accepting about things if they don't go their way, it's hard but it really helps them understand SO much more!)

and at the end of the day, when the mom came home, the baby didn't want me to leave! which was GREAT because she normally has a hard time adjusting to people! it was so precious to be missed before i'd even gone out the door!

while i am avoiding saying that i had a super-awesome-great day, i really enjoyed my first day on the new job and i am actually looking forward to waking up at an ungodly hour tomorrow to face my second day! yippy!

re-adjusting

definitely gonna have to readjust my sleeping patterns now that my work week is 7:30a-5p Monday through Thursday! AND i'm gonna have to start getting things done when i get home in the afternoon.

i'd like to work in time to read the books i'm in the middle of (still haven't finished the divorce book even though i am itching to!) and i need to DEFINITELY schedule in some work-out time (considering i had to peel my jeans off tonight, literally, peel, it made me feel disgusting).....


i'm just going to have to do a lot of readjusting, especially because it's something i've always struggled with, time management. bluh! i hate growing up.


alright.

i have to be at my new nanny job in 8 hours........must sleep............now!


(will tell more about the job in the next post, promise!)

prolonged singleness

let's review:

first boyfriend, the Outcast: dated from March 1999-May 1999 (9th grade!!!). broke up with him b/c he wanted to put his hand up my shirt and he wasn't a Christian (said i was weak because i was a Christian).

singleness: lasted from May to July, approximately 2 months.

second boyfriend, the Jock: dated from July 1999-February 2000. broke up a few days before Valentines. found out he was dating someone new one week later.

singleness: lasted from Feb 2000 to May 2000, approximately 2 months.

third boyfriend, the Heart-Throb: dated from March 2001-March 2002. but we practically dated from May 2000 to April 2002. he was my first real love, but he was too needy, and unfortunately, now he's a tool! why do the good ones go rotten?

singleness: lasted from April 2002 to June 2002, approximately 2 months.

fourth boyfriend, the OverKill Christian: dated from June 2002-September 2002. i knew he was an outspoken conservative Christian when we met, but seriously, you have never seen someone so naive to the real world. broke up with him over dinner in the cafeteria at college.

singleness: lasted from September 2002 to January 2003, approximately 4 months.

fifth boyfriend, i.e. the Unhusband: dated from 2003 to 2005, got engaged, engaged for a year, then married in June 2006. married for a year and 4 months, ended October 2007. total togetherness: 5 years almost.

singleness: lasted from October 2007 to March 2008, approximately 5 months (which was best because i was a MESS)

sixth boyfriend, the Depresso: dated from March 2008 to May 2008. i think he was definitely my "rebound" boyfriend. what was i thinking? i knew nothing about him!

currently single after that lame break-up.

do you notice the pattern that i do? i am usually only single for 2-4 months and then i'm off the market indeterminably. i recognized this pattern and shared my concern with my ever-so-fabulous roommate Carla, and we both think it might be interesting for me to be single for a while, just to see what happens.

i never really thought i was one of those women who "doesn't like to be alone", but looking at that pattern, it makes me feel like a cheesy, overly dependent wuss-woman. i'm kind of excited to see what i can come up with when left to my own devices for more than a few months.........and it's kind of nice to keep my options open for a bit. it doesn't mean i won't enjoy the men that are in my life, but i just won't be tying myself down for a while.

the unofficial game-plan 08-09

so,

i accepted a nanny position, hopefully it will work out so that i can work with this family until the end of next July.

and hopefully by the end of next July i will have gotten a NC Teacher's certification so that i can qualify for a lateral-entry teaching position.

that, my dear friends, is the unofficial gameplan.

it took a lot of thought and prayer and assessment, but i really do think that i will be happy as a nanny while i save some money and help enrich the lives of two beautiful kids, and i think that i will ultimately be happy if i am a teacher as well.

i'm also thinking i might add some online courses to try and get my Master's in Creative Writing....oh, all these dreams are just adding up!

8 things? only 8? ok!

my new friend Millie has tagged me to do a me-me of listing 8 things that i want to do before i die.


alright Millie, you asked for it. :)

8: live in a treehouse. swiss family robinson style.

7: visit Kakadu National Park in Australia, it was on NOVA 'Living Edens' on PBS when i was in 10 grade and it's been on my list ever since.

6: read the entire Bible, even the begats.

5: meet Oprah Winfrey (hopefully when she deals with my #1 list topper)

4: be asked to sing at a friend's wedding. hopefully after i've taken some serious voice lessons. *this is really 2 hopes combined into one list item.

3: join a pool league. i LOVE to play pool. i don't care if i totally don't fit in because i have all my teeth and i don't smoke, i love going to the dankest pool halls and playing pool for hours.

2: have children. i've always always always known that i am going to be the best mom ever.

1: write a bestseller and have it win awards like "Best New Author" etc. etc. :) DREAM BIG!


i'll tag who i want, but not right now......will come later....

hook me up Jesus

alright.

so.

tonight at work,

i put in,

my 2 weeks notice.

last day will be Friday the 15.


alright Jesus.

i'm ready for whatever You're lining up.


i hope it's gooooooooood!

what to say.....

i am becoming more and more comfortable with sharing the fact that the divorce is finalized and that i am single....

the thing is now that it's official, the most common response that i've been getting is

"and how do you feel about it?"

it sometimes prompts me to want to scream

"ELATED!"

"OVERWHELMINGLY HAPPY!"

"LIKE A MILLION BUCKS!"

but whenever someone asks me this, i just wonder to myself, what do they mean? should i feel any differently now than i have in the past?

do they expect me to feel differently? before it was official, whenever i was asked this question, my response has been the same: it's the best decision i've ever made. ever.

seriously! the BEST decision!

now that it's official, i'm only MORE AFFIRMED that this has been the best decision for me even if it was hard.


recently i've been attending an Early 20's Singles class at a local church and while i've enjoyed meeting the people and being introduced to other people my age, i have to say, that this group of people is full of misguided, naive and ultra-conservative folks. i haven't exactly spilled the beans that i'm a recent divorcee, mainly because it's none of their business, but also because i get the slightest, faintest feeling that they might just shun me or have me wear a scarlet letter "D" to any of their group meetings!!! ha!

on their singles ministry website they have a special note saying that this group is for people who are single and have never been married.........this is something that i choose to ignore. i would think that their "divorced" class would be filled with much older, much less easy to relate to people.....

anyway, i can only imagine what their responses would be if i were to out myself and just declare to the group "You guys are so so so narrow-minded! i'm a divorcee and i've never been more at peace with a decision in my life!" i'm sure that i'd get a response of "God didn't want you to get a divorce" and "There's no room for divorce in God's love" etc etc. but right now i'm flying below radar. just trying to enjoy being around other people who are in similar life situations....with similar beliefs....but i don't know how long i'll be able to hold my tongue in such settings anymore. i just feel like they need to be shaken up a little. they need to be reminded that Jesus would've been sharing meals with Hell's Angels, prostitutes, Marilyn Manson AND me, and He would never make us wear scarlet letters.

alright.

i know that was a little scatter-brained, but i've been needing to say something about something, so that was it.

OH,

and no word on the job interview, if she wants to interview me in the second round then i will find out on Thursday....i'd be super-stoked if i were to get a second interview (the company was really fresh, the staff was really young and smart, the dress was casual, etc....) but if i don't i'm sure that God has something else in mind for me....i just hope i am smart enough to recognize it when it happens....especially because i am thisclose to putting in my 2 weeks at the restaurant <--will explain this in a separate post soon.

o-f-f-i-c-i-a-l

the UNMARRIEDMENT was OFFICIAL as of Monday July 28, 2008.



NOW IT IS TIME FOR CELEBRATION!!!!!

hopefully hired.

i'm being a little presumptive.

but i do have an interview ****fingers crossed!**** Thursday at 3:30.......

i'm so tired of waiting tables that i just want to scream!

i could rant right now, but i'm trying to focus my energy on the positive thoughts about this interview!


i'm going to take the interview before i go into details about what the job is, but know this, if i get it, i won't be working for tips!


will post again soon!

a little affirmation

so the last time that i wrote about my unmarried papers, i was wrong in assuming that those were the 'last' papers. it turns out that i had to sign one more set of papers, supposedly the LAST ones.

i took it to the Kinko's so i could make copies of them before sending them away, and i also needed to send a fax. i stepped up to the counter and handed the man my papers, i said that i needed just one copy, and that they were legal papers so i'd need to make sure they didn't get out of order.

he smiled and helped me make the copies. then he smiled and helped me send the fax.

his manager walked over at just about the time i was finishing up the fax and he asked me how i was doing.

i told him i was doing great! that i had just finalized my divorce and that freedom was soon on its way!

he smiled and said that he was glad that i was glad and he hoped i had an excellent day.

i asked how much i owed him for the copies and fax, and he said again, have an excellent day.


he didn't charge me.


even though it was just a small amount of money that he saved me, it was really really nice of them to encourage me and to tell me to have an excellent day.


i guess it's karma!

soliciting support

i finished Chapter 3 today: "There's Something I Have To Tell You..." Sharing Your News and Getting the Support You Need From Friends, Family and Work.

it was really hard to read over the tears that welled up in my eyes as i read the chapter. i knew it'd be tough, mainly because i'm going through a very lonely time in my life. oh yes, i am surrounded by people, the restaurant keeps me busy, living in the second highest populated city in North Carolina, i am definitely in no shortage for people. but i haven't been getting the support i need. i haven't had people asking me how i'm doing, or if they've asked, it's only a superficial question. no one offers a shoulder for me to cry on or an ear to talk to, with the sole EXCEPTION of Carla. no one calls, no one emails, and the only mail that comes are the bills, that i am currently unable to pay. my only incoming calls are from Carla.

all that to say, that the following lines inspired me:

If you are like [the authors] Kay and Sarah, you might have trouble asking for help, so allow yourself to be more demanding during this time. If people don't know how to be there for you, then give them ideas.
...People who love you will often do extraordinary things if you just give them the opportunity.

so, i decided that i am going to do just what i've been needing to do for quite a while. i need to email my friends and family and solicit their support. not one of them knows how often i cry myself to sleep. not one of them knows how lonely it is for me to be home alone for hours on end with only a kitten to comfort me. just once i'd like to have someone surprise me, with anything, something out of the ordinary. my birthday is in just over a month, and honestly, i'm already disappointed.

i'm emailing them tonight.

i'll keep you posted on the response that i get, if any.

-lisa-

standing at a crossroads

i don't want to work at the restaurant anymore. i can't take it. i want to help with the flood relief in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, but i can't afford to just up and go out there. i want to be making a difference, i want to be paid to live my life and not begging for hours to get tips from people.

but i keep standing back, looking at my life, asking, seriously, "what does God want me to be learning from my life right now?"

WHAT does He want me to be learning?

what direction am i going in?

what am i supposed to do?


being at a crossroads means that i feel like my feet are confused, they don't know which way to point, which in turn gives me rubber knees and that awful shaky wobbly leg feeling.

WHAT?!

still reading

still reading that book. it's totally awesome. still highly recommend it for you to read.


now i'm just juggling feelings of being overwhelmed..... i gotta find a job.


........................



bluh.

new book, new insight.

clearly, i have an undying affection for books, as i have aptly named my own blog after the way that my life has crept along, book by book.

over the holidays while i worked in a mainstream bookstore, i spent some of my off-time and breaks looking over the section with the title "Divorce", in the lifestyles section near "Death" and "Homosexuality" (i have no idea why they were all grouped together), but as i looked over the shelves, i noticed that most of the books were aimed towards a different divorced woman than myself.

they were geared for women with children, older women, women who cheated, women who were cheated on, or the legal proceedings and psychological tolls of dealing with the loss of a spouse after a lengthy marriage.

where were the books for the:

childless
young
short marriages?

i never found what i wanted on the shelves at the bookstore, i guess there isn't yet a wide-spread market for women [or men] in this status. but i did find what i wanted when i went home and googling until i hit a title that looked like it was just what i was looking for:

Not Your Mother's Divorce
by Kay Moffett and Sarah Touborg

i wrote it down in my little notebook [all great writer's carry around a notebook for jotting things, too bad mine isn't always for brilliant writing ideas, and it's more so for lists of things i need to remember]...

and i forgot about it.

until about a week ago, when i was flipping through my little notebook and saw the title. i went to my local library's website (Lavar Burton would be so proud of me!) and i found it and put a request on it. i picked it up this morning and devoured the first chapter.

i will be sharing my own insights on the book, if you can get your hands on a copy, we could do an online bookclub! so far, i find myself nodding along, agreeing on everything i read, my eyes welling up with tears as i read the chapter titles:

1-Where Did Our Love Go?
2-Suddenly Single
3-"There's Something I Need To Tell You" Sharing the news, and getting the support you need from friends, family and work.
4-Losing a Bed, a Bank Account, and a Roommate Physical and Financial Separation
5-Untying the Knot The Legal Process
6-In the Company of a Vivid Ghost Encounters with Your Ex
7-Here Comes the Divorcee Single in Society
8-The Dating Scene-Take Two
9-Retying the Knot-or Not
10-When Life Hands You Limes, Make Mojitos



already, i want to skip ahead and read Chapter 3 right away....but i'm finishing up Chapter 1....the rest will come in time.

what did i do today?

today:

i woke up at 9:30.

i sat on my bed for countless hours.

and i washed my sheets and remade my bed.

i watched waaaay too much tv.

watched my kitten take a thousand naps.

i cruised craigslist.

i took a shower.

i watched 3 episodes of Intervention.

i played online games.


essentially, i didn't have to work and proceeded to act like it's summer and it's the 8th grade all over again.....



yay for lazy days, except that i did have a few things that i needed to be doing instead........

there is hope and healing for my heart.

on Sunday morning Carla and i tried out a new church. i see the signs for it everyday on my way to work, and although we have been "regularly" attending another church that we really like alot, we decided to try this new church out because it is a lot closer to home and we haven't really been warmly welcomed at the other church.

anyway. last Saturday night i got online to check on what time the service was and what to expect. the website was very helpful and i even got to see what the topic was for the next morning.

the headline was "When Marriages End".

so we went to the service the next morning and even though we realized that there weren't even 20 people that were attending the service [i.e. it's a new church and doesn't have very many members yet, but we spoke to practically everyone] the message was worth going for.

the Pastor opened with prayer and then looked out at all of us and said:

Within the Christian community sometimes I think that we know more of what to do and say when a marriage ends in death than when it ends in divorce.

i wanted to stand up right then and raise the roof and shout Hallelujah! but i didn't. i just nodded in agreement. to say that people realize the devastation of losing a spouse to death, but that they don't recognize the exact same devastation of losing a spouse by divorce.

it's part of the reason that i didn't go to my home church for any of the time that i moved back in with my mother. people just don't know what to say to you. i'm not saying that they are insensitive or judgmental (though some are and have been), i'm just saying that they aren't sure if you want to be sad about it or if they should be happy for you.

just once i would've loved for someone to ask me if i was going to be okay financially [the answer would've been 'NO! i don't have any money!' or to have asked me when was the last time i had a home-cooked meal [the answer would've been that i don't eat anything that isn't microwaved first]...

in a lot of ways what the pastor had to say about divorce was right on. he said that the number one thing about when a marriage ends in divorce is that there is always pain. there is always pain. yep. he got that one right. even though i may have been the one who needed to get out before i drowned in the agony of my marriage, it still hurt. it was still the singlemost painful experience in my life and i am still struggling with feelings of abandonment, inadequacy, insecurity, doubt, and uncertainty no matter how well i seem to be doing on the outside.

the main point that i loved that he made was this:

When a marriage ends in divorce, the church has a special call to those hurt by divorce. we have a special call to be a healer of the pain. If we believe that marriage is an incredible metaphor for the bride of Christ, if we believe that divorce brings pain to those involved with it, then our job as a church is one of two things: We can be a place to bring more pain in, where people come into a church and they feel worse about the path of their life than better or we can decide as a church to bring healing to the hurt.

the church needs to be a place that i can go where i won't feel judged because i am 23 and getting divorced. yes, it is most definitely unfortunate that my young little marriage didn't work out, that things were not worth salvaging, and that i may never be the same now that i am a divorcee, but it doesn't change the fact that Christ loves me the same now as He ever did [which is saying alot!]. it doesn't change the fact that i love Christ, more than ever before.

the final words that he said to us that really hit home for me were:

If you have been through the pains of divorce, I want to tell you that there is hope and healing for your heart, there's the chance for joy, there's a chance for love, and there is restoration.

i cannot wait to feel like i have been restored again, right now i feel like i'm in the wallows...i would've been married for two years this past tuesday. two years ago tonight i was in Costa Rica on my honeymoon. two years ago i was naive and thought that things were just starting to stabilize, that i was going to be able to make something out of an unhealthy relationship...we had fun moments, we had tense moments, but in the end, we didn't have enough to build on...

walking in the dark

since i was "let go" from my first full time job, i've been working close to 40 hours a week at the restaurant that i'd been working in before i got that full time job.

anyway.

working at the restaurant all day means that i am on my feet and walking around all day, but it also means that i am literally inside all day.

now that the weather is only describable as hot as hell outside, the restaurant has a hard time staying cool because of the grills and the opening and closing doors. but just being hot because it's hot out doesn't have the same effect as actually being outside enjoying nature.

i'm big into being outside, so when i get home at night i want to be outside.

tonight i ate dinner outside on our porch with Carla. it was lovely, but it wasn't enough. i wanted to go on a walk, so i got my cell phone (for safety), and set out for a nice little stroll by myself.

it was great except for the feeling that most people driving by were a little weirded out about seeing a woman out for a walk after dark by the road... but i used my time wisely by walking over to the community center that is really nearby and inquired about their weight room membership.

that's it.

yesterday was what would have been my 2nd wedding anniversary.

my idea was to get in great shape soon so that any pictures of me from this point forward are frickin awesome.

i love that i got outside tonight, regardless of the fact that i was on a walk alone, and i love that 2 years ago i was getting married, 1 year ago i was married [i'd be willing to say unhappily so], and here i am, unmarried and totally satisfied with my life and where it is headed.



now....i'm still brainstorming about how to rightly celebrate being unmarried in replacement of my 2 year wedding anniversary....

love of my life

this is my sweet baby.

i said i would get a kitten.

i did.

i love her.




her name is Peppy, which fits perfectly b/c she is SO energetic.



about 8 weeks old here....being cute and cuddly.














this was taken today, she was lounging as the sun went down. she's about 12 weeks old now.













she likes to wait for me to play with her when i am on my laptop. check those green eyes! j'adore!

exploring my options

the guy that i was seeing was really incredible when we met.

Paul was warm and full of compliments and just really a breath of fresh air. he understood my jokes and appreciated my wit and dry sense of humor immediately. i didn't have to dumb down our conversations or use 5th grade friendly vocabulary. he told me i was the most amazing woman he had ever met, and he meant it.

we connected on our life experiences, middle kids, unappreciated talents, rough relationships (he was with a girl for 2 years, they were engaged and she broke it off at Christmas), etc. i felt embraced and accepted and, yes, even loved by Paul.

but Paul hit some bumps along the road in the last few months and seems to have gone down in a downward spiral, i think that he is really sinking into depression, and he doesn't seem to have any optimism about his future.

i am probably one of the most patient, and overly optimistic people that you'll ever know. really, i truly truly believe that things will always get better, there will always be a reason to smile, you may have to search for it but there is always a silver lining. always.

even though Paul was really going through a hard spot, i tried to show him the good things, i tried to show him that things would and will get better one day, but really all he responded with was "no they won't, my life sucks, God is punishing me." etc. it was UNBEARABLE.

i found myself carrying our relationship. i found myself calling him only to get voicemail, texting only to get no response, messaging him to get no answer. if and when he did answer he was automatically irritated with me. and even though i adored him in the beginning, he was proving to be a very lousy companion.

so this past Thursday night, i got off of work and called him to see if we could hang out. i got no response. i texted, i got no response. my instincts kicked in and i drove to his work, he wasn't there. so yes, i spent my gas driving all the way to his house to see if he was home. he was.

i didn't go knock on the door. i didn't want to come across as the scary stalkerish type, but i wanted to talk to him and i was going to talk to him one way or another.

so i texted "I'm outside your place, in my car" and i waited.

ten minutes later i got a phone call, it was Paul and he was irritated "You're outside my place right now?"

"Yep."

"Why?"

"Because i wanted to talk to you and you weren't answering your phone."

at this point he has come outside and we're off the phone and his face is reading "you're a crazy person".

that's when i said it was over. i yelled at him, i cried at him, i gave him a hug, i let him hold me, but i pushed him away. he said that he was sorry he couldn't give me what i need or deserve right now, and i told him that i was sorry too. i told him that if the Paul i met 3 months ago ever comes back then he needs to call me, but that i couldn't stay and wait on it.

i said i am a quality woman and that i need something where i feel accepted and loved because i was married to a shitty relationship where i carried it and it was back-breaking and i wised up and got out of it before i was completely broken and that i was NOT going to do that again.

he cried.

he broke down and i saw a glimpse of the original Paul, and he apologized more sincerely than before and he just said "i'm sorry that i can't be the guy you need and that i have hurt you because you are right you're an amazing woman and you deserve better than me. you are the most beautiful and wonderful woman i have ever dated and i was lucky that you ever considered me."


when i asked if he'd lost interest or if i had done something wrong, he said that i had been "perfect" and hadn't done anything that would warrant being treated so shitty. he was right. i mean, i'm a few shades shy of perfect but i did treat him really really well and he was lucky to date me.

i cried practically the whole way home, and cried myself to sleep. but i rested well knowing that i wasn't sticking with something unhealthy because i was scared i won't find something else.

actually, this time, i plan on letting something find me. i will be exploring my options.

what did he do?

i know from my last two postings you're probably wondering what on earth he must've done to deserve having the word douchebag in such large font.

the truth is, he called me about a week ago, and all he did was be himself.

but being himself is basically the same as being a walking and talking douchebag, at least when it comes to how he interacts with me. i'm sure that during the day, while he's at work, he's pleasant and easily excitable as he tries to sell outdoor gear to the suckers who ask him for outdoor gear advice. but when he calls me and asks me when or if i sent the final divorce papers, he is in eXtreme-douchebag mode.

so he called about a week ago to ask if i had sent the last papers. i informed him that, Yes, i had sent the papers and yes, it took me about 3 weeks to find the time to get them notarized as i signed them, but they had indeed been signed, notarized, copied, and mailed to his lawyer as of 2 thursdays ago.

somehow we managed to have "conversation" for over 30 minutes. he asked about my sisters and my parents and my job and what-not. and fielded only a few of my own similar questions for him. i was sad to hear that he was in car accident over 4 weeks ago and actually had a concussion from it. and when i told him that i was sorry to hear that, his response gave me the vibe of "yeah right, like you give a shit about me, you left me".


when i hung up i had tears, the hot tears of anger and annoyance, in my eyes, and i just wanted to push him off of a cliff. for the millionth time i was reminded the reasons why i am SO thankful that i am no longer in that marriage.

actually.....scratch that Memo.....

memo: updated 6/5/08

To the Unhusband,

as per our conversation two nights ago, i just wanted to inform you that...

you are not even good enough to be a douchebag.





that is all.

love,
lisa

memo to the unhusband

memo:

To the Unhusband,

as per our conversation last night, i just wanted to remind you that...

you are a douchebag.





that is all.

love,
lisa

stirring it up

so, Carla and i went and saw the Sex and the City movie last night even though neither one of us ever really watched the show, and let me just say that i loved it.

i don't want to ruin it for you if you haven't seen it, and believe me, there are really great and hilarious moments in it as well as some heart-aching moments, and i don't want to give them away at all, but the movie really stirred something up inside of me.

during one of the scenes in the middle of the movie i really really felt like i was being crushed. there was a weight on my lungs i wanted to cry out so hard. i looked around and realized it wasn't really a moment where anyone else felt inclined to cry, but here i was with this crushing weight feeling like i was on the verge of sobbing like a baby.

in total, there were about 3 or 4 moments where i had silent tears streaming down my face. i couldn't quite pinpoint the feelings that were emerging except to feel like i had just left Seth all over again. it was the same feeling that i had the first night that we decided to call it quits and i let him have the bed and i tried to sleep on the couch. i just cried and cried. and pulled my knees up to my chest and cried and sobbed. and it was awful. it's a hot crying, the kind of crying that aches every muscle and gives you real bags under your eyes the next day.

as we walked out of the movie i asked Carla if she had cried at all during the movie, and she said that she had felt some pinpricks of tiny tears welling up in one scene, but no, she hadn't cried. and i welled up with tears telling her that i had practically wanted to cry for the second half of the entire movie. it was so bizarre because i had no idea why i was so upset. why this movie had made me feel like i was just getting my stuff packed into my little white car all over again.

really. i don't even know why. i guess there will be little bouts of crying as i relive the agony of ending a marriage, i just really didn't think that the Sex and the City movie would do that to me.

when i got home i cried some more before i went to sleep, but then i was done with it.

--------

in bigger news:

i sent the final papers for the divorce on Thursday.

i think this is cause for celebration......

any ideas?

subconcious

had a dream last night about getting back together with the un-husband.


i felt really weird when i woke up, like, "there's no way it'd be that easy, and there is no way that it would be good like that"


essentially, the dream consisted of Seth and i reconciling while we walked in the woods, i know there was a lot of laughing, and my left hand had my rings on it again.


still, i felt super weird when i woke up because i was sad that i broke his heart.

have i mentioned?

i don't think that i have,

but, i probably should mention,

that i have been seeing someone for a little over a month....






and so far,

it has been wonderful and exactly what i need.



i know you have thoughts:


go.

unconstructive

i think that i need some kind of ADD medicine in order to get things done once i get home.

actually, i think that it would ultimately help me in the workplace as well, even at the restaurant that i currently work at, because of all the multi-tasking that it takes in order to get things done.

it also doesn't help that doing lunch and dinner shifts at the restaurant means that i am dog-tired by the time that i get home and it makes me not want to do anything except eat and nap.

also,
i got a kitten.

she is certifiably insane.

all she wants to do is bite my hands, 24/7.


but she is super cute, and i named her Peppy. she makes me happy, she sleeps on my pillow next to my head and purrs whenever i move, that is her one redeeming quality. that, and the sheer fact that having her means that Seth can't say BOO about it because he had me resigned to the fact that i would never have a kitten or a cat because he was allergic.

sneeze on this Peppy, Seth! take some damn claritin and shut up!


:)

fired

yep.


i hated the job, and i knew it wouldn't be long before i needed to find another line of work in order to actually look forward to going to work everyday, but they pulled the trigger before i was able to find something else.


now i am back at the restaurant for lunch and dinner shifts.

what now?

not down, just out

it has been a long time since i sat down to write in this blog, a lot of things have happened:

1- Seth officially filed our unmarried papers. He sent them to me in the mail, and regardless of what the movies [Sweet Home Alabama] lead you to believe, there are no little tabs telling you where to sign, and when you leave the initial paperwork up to the un-husband, he will have to remember all the basics about your wedding day and it will only go to show that he did not do any of the planning otherwise he would have gotten the church's address right AND the county of the marriage license right too. i had to fix these errors, FLAG them and initial them and talk to him about how he "oops" it up.

2-as i signed those papers, those glorious papers, i made copies for my own files and i was in my cubicle at work, thinking to myself, "Wow. That makes it official." and usually at my desk i listen to Pandora Radio and i keep it on upbeat music or folksy stuff, stuff that i can listen to while not losing my focus. But this day, i had turned it off for some reason and the music from my neighbor's cubicle was floating over. and it was no coincidence that this is what i heard:



it was monumental. i felt like it was the perfect music for the mood that i was in, and my neighbor from whose cubicle it was emanating, had been a music major in college and told me that the name of the song was Carmina Burana. so, i Googled it and got a translation:

O Fortune,
like the moon
with its changing phases,
you are ever growing
and waning;
hateful life
first oppresses
and then soothes
as fancy takes it;
Poverty
and power
it melts them like ice.

Fate - monstrous
and empty,
you whirling wheel,
you are malevolent,
well-being is vain
and always fades to nothing.
Shadowed
and veiled
you plague me too;
now through the game
I bring my bare back
to your villainy.

When health
and virtue
are against me,
are only pain
and exhaustion,
forever in this vale of tears.
So at this hour
without delay
pluck the vibrating strings;
since Fate
strikes down the string man,
everyone weep with me!


and when i read those words, i reflected on my marriage and i felt the feelings of worthlessness and unloveability flood over me and i folded those official papers and i shoved them into the envelope with Seth's lawyer's name on it and i stuck a stamp on it and dropped it into the mail.

not anymore.

one step closer, one official step closer to being officially unmarried.

not looking forward

i am not really looking forward to visiting my dad and/or the prospect of him asking me if he can bring her along.

no dad, i don't want to include her in my visit with you. it isn't okay with me if she comes along, because honestly even if she wasn't the entire reason for you and mom getting a divorce, there is no part of me that will embrace her as your new love interest, no matter how happy she makes you.

i wish i were a "bigger" person, but right now, i just can't stand the thought of you being with her. i'd be fine if you were single and living alone, which is what i usually envision when i talk to you, but no, you're with her. you've been with her since you were still with mom. her kids see you more than i do and somehow i am supposed to be like "hey, glad you helped break up my parents marriage, but i sure am glad you make my dad happy."


boo.

i need shoes

i need new shoes.

seriously, i have only one pair of shoes that are appropriate for dressing up for work. i think i wear them 3/5 days a week.

on fridays i can wear whatever i want b/c it's casual friday, but i need new shoes that are closed toes and medium height heels, but it seems whenever i go to the store i can't find a single pair that don't look like they were:

a) made for a 13 year old or
b) made for a prostitute or
c) made for a 13 year old prostitute?!

anyway......

maybe i should do some online window shopping so that i don't have to waste my time driving to the store to see what they have. yes. online window shopping it is.

now i have my new side-goal for life in the cubicle tomorrow. SHOES!


:)

whirlwind

my life since i started my full-time job has definitely been a BIG change, and honestly, i'm not sure how i feel about it.

gotta be honest:

i don't like sitting all day.
i don't like sitting in a cubicle all day.
i don't like sitting in a cubicle all day talking to people on the phone.
i don't like sitting in a cubicle all day talking to people on the phone without talking to hardly anyone else in person.

sucks.

what's worse is that my cube is so far deep into the room that, if i didn't have to ask my co-workers' any questions about the procedures i wouldn't know what the weather was like outside.

it's a little depressing.

also,
i don't have time to blog or read blogs.

and it makes me sad.

:(


also. i missed one day of work, i missed 30 minutes of work another day, and according to the employee handbook, if i am late or miss work one more time until April 1 2009 TWO-THOUSAND-NINE, i can be terminated.

awesome.

i've not even been there a month, and i'm on my "final warning". Shit.

delivered.

the postman delivered my unmarried-ment papers today.

carla got the mail.

i was gone from 7:30am to 9:00pm.

when i got home, she says "your mail is on your bed".

i walk into my room.

i see a package from a friend who lives in Georgia. she knitted me a hat, i've been expecting it.


last thursday Seth called me while i was at work. i answered it.

he said the unmarried papers were on their way and that i need to sign them and mail them back as soon as i can, so we can "get this show on the road".

they were on the bed, under the hat package.

it was weird tearing open the envelope and reading the lawyer-speak.

Wright vs. Wright.

"No children."

"Mrs. Wright is not pregnant."

"There is no property to be disputed."

"Mrs. Wright wishes to return to her maiden name: _______"

etc.

it was just weird to have this "court"-like language describing the dissolution of our marriage.


the only highlight was that i wore my cute new hat while i read over the papers.


now i guess i just have to make copies for my own files, sign them, and send them back.


what a heavy way to start the week.

----scratch that----

Carla is back in the ER tonight.

she may be in surgery by morning, she might lose one or both of her ovaries.

my prayers are that she doesn't lose either!


pray for carla!

ovarian cysts and lack of sleep=exhausted

after a few weeks of being in on-again/off-again agony, Carla went to the Emergency Room yesterday, i joined her after i got off from work, and it turns out, she was in excruciating pain because she has 2 large ovarian cysts.

crazy huh? yeah. the weirdest part is that even though they said that they'll have to operate in order to help them go away, they discharged her last night (Tuesday) and told her to come back on Friday for the operation. her question, and mine too, was mainly, what did they expect her to do all day Wednesday and Thursday?

she is literally in constant pain, and the pain medicine doesn't really cut it, and she can't really sleep or lay down.

it's crazy, and we don't know how serious it is yet, but nonetheless it's scary. scary scary scary.

on top of that, my new job has been overwhelming, but in a good way.

there is an upside and a downside to the new job:

-upside-
money, feeling more secure, less time to sit and dwell on my unmarried-ness.

-downside-
not a morning person, people at work are nice but no one talks to one another, add in the waitressing job on the side and i'm super tired.

the biggest downside is that i don't have time to blog.......

fish on a bicycle

This Fish Needs a Bicycle

if you haven't heard of her already, then i think you should check her out. all i know is that her name is Heather and she lives in Texas. She is single and while she embraces it, she is also very candid about what being single really means to a girl in today's world.

i bookmarked her blog a long time ago, i read it from time to time.

the entry that she posted yesterday made my heart stop. i think we have all been there in one way or another. i'm going to link to her blog and i am going to include her post in it's entirety.

i don't think about you (and other lies i tell myself)

It wasn't you that I saw, standing tall and rail-straight, just on the other side of the jewelry counter. But it didn't matter; it may as well have been, with the way I felt the room lurch and spin. I dug my nails under the polished metal rim of the counter and ducked my head, not wanting to make eye contact with you. My fingertips left steamy smears on the cold, clean glass.

I pretended to care about tacky heart-shaped pendants, knowing I should look up, say hello and feign that I wasn't all at once stumbling drunk with missing you. I thought about what it might do to me to hug you. I remembered how, if there was anything unsatisfying about touching you, it was that you never left your scent behind. You didn't stay on my clothes or my sofa cushions - the only evidence you'd ever been at home with me, an emptied wine glass next to my own.

I swallowed your memory, pushing it down into my uneasy stomach and finally looked up. But like I said, it wasn't you. Too old, too wide about the shoulders, too not you. So I rang for the sales clerk, finished my business and drove home slowly, feeling suddenly lonesome and a little hungover.

-----------------
do share what you think...

running til you fall down

i have goals for myself, which include running a half marathon sometime in the next year, in addition to training for and running a marathon sometime in the next 3 years.

this being said, i went for a run tonight.

the weather was perfect for a nice early evening run, so i put my hair up, clipped back the hair that would fall down, wore a sports bra, laced up my running shoes, stretched a little inside the house, and finally leapt off of my front step and into my running form.

i was off and running. i had a good pace. i decided to run for at least 15 minutes, and to try and do so without walking.

i went down the street, around the block and when i got back to my starting point, i dared to look at my watch timer:

3:30.

i had only been running for 3 minutes and 30 seconds.

so i circled the same route again, noticing how my pace was slowly declining in speed.

i decided that i would go down a couple of extra streets in my neighborhood in order to make the time pass faster and add in some distance.

i got back to my starting point again, certain that i had just passed the 10 minute mark.

i looked at my watch:

6:30.

how on earth?! what?! okay, keep moving, just run until you feel like it's been 4 more minutes. instead of 15, it's okay if i only did 10. my body was giving me the ole RED FLAG.

i ran some more. i rounded corners, passed people walking their dogs, crossed streets, waved at strangers carrying their groceries inside, and finally, i was back on my street, sure that i'd passed the time and that i had CERTAINLY passed the 10 minute mark and it was now okay for me to go inside and get some water.

as i slowed down to stop, my legs felt extra wobbly, and because i know my body, i knew that if i didn't get inside ASAP i would be likely to cause a scene by passing out in my neighbor's yard.

luckily, my wobbly legs guided me up my front-steps, i successfully opened my front door and got inside just in time to lay face down on the floor of my dining room. i never fully passed out, but i'd say if i hadn't gotten my shoes off and regulated my breathing, i may have just blacked out altogether.

total running time: 12:22. GO ME!

too bad i felt like i was having hot flashes and i was also having flashbacks to the "mile-run" in grade-school......

well, they say baby-steps. i guess 12 minutes compared to a marathon would definitely qualify as baby-steps!

long ass day

i shouldn't have stayed up as late as i did last night when i knew that i had to get up as early as i did for my first day at work this morning [i was like a kid on Christmas Eve, SO nervous but excited and hoping to hear the magical clicks of reindeer hooves (paychecks) on the roof].

luckily, i made it to work on time, seeing as to the way that i am perpetually late for everything and will find a way to make myself 8 minutes late for a meeting that i got up for over 3 hours beforehand [i piddle around].

i filled out a TON of paperwork and sat with the Human Resources lady for over an hour and a half listening to her explain the mountain of paperwork [insurance, dental, absences, paid time-off, tardiness, disability, etc...]

it was just me and her in a tiny conference room at a big table, looking through the stacks of papers. yawn.

then i had lunch with my boss, which was SO great. Lacy is really a competent and intelligent woman, but luckily her humor is still in tact as well, meaning that when we were at the restaurant [using the Corporate card] she said that she thought the waiter was cute and that he was totally flirting with me! i can tell already that she is a keeper! [Lord please don't let me have to eat my words later!]

then we headed back to the ole workplace and i had to sit through an agonizing session about this specific information system that we use, which while it was helpful, was dreadfully dull and i kept thinking, tomorrow i need to drink coffee, tomorrow coffee is a requirement.


the end of the workday came quickly after that boring computer session, and overall i had a great day at my new job. i love to learn new things, and on top of that, i am PSYCHED to decorate my cubicle. it might sound lame, but really, i'm excited to decorate it.

OH, and when i called the restaurant to tell them i was on my way, they didn't need me after all, which meant that i promptly came home, got in Carla's bed and took a 6-8pm nap.

WHEW!

now i just have to do it all again tomorrow, and the day after that and the day after that........

first day jitters

i am SO nervous about my first day at my real job!!!!!!


i am sure that there are not going to be dragons or warfare or ninjas hiding under my desk, but i am just nervous about how i'll be dressed [business casual], and if i filled out my paperwork correctly [my last name is going to be changing in less than 2 months AND i filed Single]......


so the butterflies are fluttering a little bit in my stomach this morning, and i also don't know what i'll have to eat this morning or if i have time to eat something. clearly, i found time to blog, but i am not sure if i will make time to eat.......!!!!!!!


anyway,
i am sure i will blog about it first thing when i get home this evening....which is after i go to the restaurant to work a dinner shift............yes, i'm keeping the 2 jobs, at least for a little while, i love the restaurant.


wish me luck!

it's in the freaking mail

so that he can finally shut up:


it's in the mail as of today Seth,

stop trying to remind me that

"it's kind-of important"



can't you just take a break from patronizing me for ONCE in your life Seth? just once. i cannot believe he still does this from 4 states away.

reason # 29,347

tonight gave me reason #29,347 that i need to get new glasses once i start my new job (with medical insurance) next week.

if you have a queasy stomach, you should just skip the next paragraph.

i got food poisoning and i had to pull my car over and park it in an empty parking lot. i got out and got in the grass to where no one could see me retching my guts out [sorry for the visual]. well, i go forward a little to ensure that splattering doesn't occur, and my glasses flew off of my face and into my own puke. i had to clean them off while telling myself that grosser things have happened, but i couldn't get over my initial thought of:

totally gross!

the thing is i love my glasses, well, the way that they look on my face anyway. they are very flattering, if i do say so myself. but, the problem is somewhere in the "arms" of the glasses. they don't have any grip, and they aren't curved enough to grab onto my ears if i bend over. thus, they slide off of my face ALL the time. it's very irritating.

reason #21,304 was when i was on an airplane and i was in the plane's bathroom, and i leaned over to get the paper towels and my glasses slid off of my face and almost, ALMOST landed in the swirling blue water that spun in the plane's toilet. thank the LORD i have cat-like reflexes and i caught them as they flew through the air.

this is why i try to wear my contacts 99.9% of the time. my patience with my glasses is just OUT.


thank goodness i have Carla because Carla is an RN and she took care of me all night for the 3 hours that it took for me to feel normalized again. now i'm all better, at least, better enough to write an entry here! :)

sugar-coated

divorced=unmarried.

i just got off the phone with Seth, who was calling to tell me a few things and to ask me to send our marriage license because he needs it in order to file our papers.

while i knew this call was coming because i was supposed to send it over a week ago [i honestly forgot], i realized it on friday afternoon, that i hadn't sent it yet. i knew he'd be calling anytime to remind me.

he called, and because i knew it was going to be about the marriage license, i beat him to the punch. i said "hey, i've got it in the envelope, ready to drop it in the mail tomorrow. sorry." he's like, "Yeah, I was calling to ask if you had sent it yet, please don't forget to do that. It's kind of important." [me, rolling my eyes, OH REALLY? IS IT IMPORTANT? I'M A MORON.]


small talk:

~he's sick, his throat is very scratchy. i tell him i hope he feels better. "thanks".
~his job is getting better and better, he's been promoted 2 or 3 times since he started there in September.
~my new job starts March 10, that is exciting.
~our dog throws up. [Seth puts the phone down once he's realized the dog is puking, i hear him saying "It's okay buddy, it's okay as the dog is heaving]
~how's your town?
~what travel plans do you have?
~[note:] we didn't discuss the "dating" thing again, thank goodness. still not sure if he avoided it, but since i'm not dating anyone, it's not really all that juicy.
~taxes. i ask if he filed Single or Married, which brings us to the title of my post:

Seth: I filed my taxes a few weeks ago, it was really easy. I filed Single.
me: oh cool, so it didn't give you any problems because you're not technically Single and you're not technically Married. That's the reason i haven't started on mine yet because i don't know how to file.
Seth: Actually, here in Kentucky, they have a special way to file for someone in my situation, it's called Abandoned Spouse.
me: Abandoned Spouse?
Seth: Yeah, that's what they call it.
me: That makes it sound awful, like you were left in the middle of the ocean in a lifeboat without a paddle and thousands of miles from the shore. Or like you're homeless and living in a shack. Abandoned Spouse?
Seth: Well yeah, that's what they call it.
me: Well, that makes me feel weird. i didn't abandon you.
Seth: Well.....I mean, do you want them to sugar-coat it?
me: i didn't abandon you.
Seth: That's what they call it here, that's all I know.
me: ..........Okay.

i quickly wrapped up the phonecall, i told him i hope that him and the dog both would start feeling better too. and when i hung up, i just heard that word echoing in my head: abandoned.

abandoned
abandoned
abandoned
abandoned
abandoned
abandoned
abandoned
abandoned
abandoned

i was just so hurt to hear him imply that i abandoned him. it cut me to my core. i've been struggling with feeling like i am a heartless-bitch. that i just walked away from a marriage that i should've been focusing on more to fix. but then, part of me just realizes that Seth wouldn't miss a single opportunity to take a dig at me. no matter what, whenever you are close to anyone, they know what hurts you the most. i just couldn't contain my tears, and weirdly, i pulled the collar of my t-shirt up over my eyes and let the tears fall straight onto my chest while blocking out the light. and i didn't hold it in, i cried as long as i wanted to. i hate this.


*note*
i didn't mean for this post to sound so morose and melancholy, but i just wanted to write down my raw feelings as a way of therapeutically dealing with my emotions. thank you thank you thank you for your love and support. i am doing fine, i promise, i only cried for about 10 minutes, and honestly, i know i'm just fine, and i still stand by my decision to be unmarried. if anything, Seth just reinforced the fact that he never knew how to deal with me in the first place.

love!

chester

i'm not sure about what your schoolyard sayings might have included, but here in North Carolina, we had one for pervy old men.

say there were to be a creepy man watching kids playing on a playground. this guy isn't there to pick up his own children, he isn't there to meet anyone, but while you're playing kickball and tagging your friends, he's in his car watching.

we called this guy Chester, Chester Child Molester. if you say it right, it rhymes perfectly, and it's funny.

anyway, it's not really something that many people say during their average day. that is, unless you are me or Carla.

we have adopted the word "Chester" to describe many things in various situations.

example 1:
chester
lisa-"Chester McGee over there won't stop staring at me, even though he's wearing a wedding band. bluh."
carla-"all men are chesters."

example 2:
chesting
lisa-"Where's Nick?"
carla-"He's over at the bar, chesting it up with the bartender. I think he's trying to get her number."

example 3:
chestering
carla-"What are you doing Lisa? are you chestering around the internet?"
lisa-"I hardly consider typing emails and IMs to over 7 different men to be chestering around....okay, yes, i'm chestering around the internet. so sue me."

example 4:
totally chest
carla-"Did you really let that guy grab your ass?"
lisa-"Yes, and it was totally chest. it won't happen again."

example 5:
chestosterone
lisa-"do you see the guy with the huge gold cross necklace, and the backwards hat, and the lazy eye over at the bar? he keeps checking you out...."
carla-"EW. he has too much chestosterone for his own good."

you'd be surprised how often you can actually use the word chester in everyday interactions.

CHESTER WEEKEND CHALLENGE:
notice the chesters all around you, notice the small interactions you have with these chesters, and when given the chance, describe this using the word chester. i promise you that you can find ways to use it all day long, you just have to look for it.

maybe you can come up with your own context to use chester in, if you do, please share!