life-by-the-book

something better

2009-02-03T14:39:00.002-05:00

something better is coming.

i am working on a longer post, it's taking me some time to think on things before i go typing and hitting PUBLISH POST.

there is a lot of uncertainty in my life right now (especially considering that i am looking for employment alongside 100.000+ others in America!!!!) but i have a strange strange peace about it. i am trying to keep my eyes on the silver lining right now and trying to salvage whatever good has come out of the past few years and focusing on that.

i am ridiculously optimistic because i have finally realized that it is not up to me at all! ha! control? what control?!

book.

2009-01-23T17:48:00.001-05:00

i want to write a book.

about divorce.

and Christianity.

that is all for now.

unemployed

2009-01-21T22:10:00.002-05:00

i lost my job on monday.

apparently they were looking for someone new and gave me no notice.

i am glad that Tuesday was full of snow and Obama-rama.

today i spent time with people who made me feel valued and loved, esp b/c my friend Simon watched "Beaches" with me.

now that is the sign of a true friend, although, he didn't cry. i have seen that movie at least 20 times and i cry every time. now onto praying for whatever is next. i can't be unemployed for very long, my bills won't pay themselves. bah!

little things

2009-01-17T15:04:00.003-05:00

i am sure that i am not the only one who has experienced this, but it is fun none-the-less to share.

because i have had to get my named legally changed back to my maiden name, there have been a few recent phone call conversations with bill-paying or insurance renewal and i have been seeking how to get my name changed on my cards/bills/etc.

when i talk to the person on the other end of the line and say, "I need to have my name changed to Lisa Wright", most of the time, without missing a beat, the person on the other end of the line is like "well Congratulations!" thinking that i am having my name changed because i just got married.

i usually have this thought while saying "thank you very, very much" [SUCKAAAAAAAAH, you don't know that you just congratulated me for something that NOBODY wants to say congratulations for, but i will TAKE it!]

s'funny

2009-01-13T18:20:00.002-05:00

it's funny when you are jolted awake by your roommate at 6:20 am.

Carla:
Leeeese! I heard crying outside and I am too scared to go to my car.

me:
whuaa?

Carla:
I hear noises every morning and sometimes it spooks me out, but I was just in the kitchen and that noise was RIGHT outside. I cannot open the door and knowingly go outside.

me:
[jumps out of bed, pulls some pants on]
okay.

we walk downstairs, open the front door, there is nothing to be noted. one of our neighbors is walking to his car, a few houses down. no explanations for the 'crying' noise.

Carla:
okay, thanks. sorry to wake you up.

me:
buuuuuuuuuuh. [zombie noise]

as i climbed the stairs back to my room, i shuttle my cat back into the room so that i can lock the door. then i promptly got scared.

it wouldn't have gotten to me except that Carla had described it as 'crying'. something is 'beeping', something is 'banging', something is 'knocking', those i could deal with.

crying? i don't do ghosts or wild animals with creepy noises. also in this category would be any type of neighbor who takes their morning walk to cry on our porch. so yeah, then i started freaking out.

this is when i wish there was a man in the house, so that he can change my oil and go scare the weeping ghosts from our front porch. boo!

i guess i missed the memo

2009-01-12T14:57:00.002-05:00

what i sent:

Seth,

i tried calling you and i left a message but i wasn't sure if you'd gotten it or not. anyhoo, i was hoping to catch up, hear how you are doing. anyway, i won't take too much of your time, just wanted to say happy 2009. hope to hear from you.

-lisa

what he wrote back (a day after i sent mine):

lisa,

Things are going well for me here. My job has turned into a career path and I am getting to do some traveling with it as well. I have adjusted well here and have made many friends. Beaux is doing great. I get to climb a good bit now and am enjoying the different seasons for different types of climbing. I appreciate the good wishes and wish the same for you. I really do not think it is healthy for either of us to maintain contact with one another. I hope that you find your path in life and are able to find happiness in whatever you choose to do.

-Seth

i wanted to yell and push him down [old-school style like we were little kids]. i wanted to write a snappy quip back, i wanted him to know that i wouldn't have contacted him AT ALL had i known that he didn't think it was healthy for us to 'maintain contact' with one another. again, he made that decision and didn't tell me, and somehow i am supposed to read his mind?

so yeah.

just needed to vent a little.

electronic mail

2009-01-06T22:10:00.002-05:00

i e-mailed Seth today to 'catch up'. i had tried calling him a few weeks ago, and i had tried not to slip up and look at his facebook page anymore, but i'm super nosey i guess. completely non-nostalgic, i just want to hear that he's doing okay. anyhoo. i kept it super-breezy, and i sent it at like, 7:00, and he hasn't respsonded.

i guess i know that he doesn't even have to respond, it'd just be nice to hear from him. i don't really know that i can pinpoint the real exact reason i may have emailed him, but bah, it's too late now!

i will keep you updated if he gets back to me.

must sleep. work will be hard if i don't.

simmering

2009-01-05T23:13:00.005-05:00

as this is my first post in the new year, i have started and discarded several attempts at voicing my thoughts. i just want to write something that i am not going to look back on and think "i was so dumb."

i'm not making any resolutions this year, save for one exception:
i will not blame 2008 for being shiteous, i will only blame myself, and i resolve not to do this again for 2009.

i will own my year.

since the day my marriage started in 2006 and subsequent decline, to the announcement of my parent's divorce, to graduate school fiasco, to moving everything 3 times in 3 months and returning to my mom's house and being single again and moving to Raleigh, and getting and losing a 'real job' and taking 2 dead-end jobs back to back for all of 2007/2008, i sometimes like to refer to 2006-2008 as the 'shit-storm'. but really, honestly, i have to be realistic with myself.

the only common denominator between all of those years was me.

and so, as 2009 begins, i want to own my year. i want to know that:

i did what i could,
i worked as hard as i could,
i loved as hard as i could,
i friended those who needed me,
i spent time taking care of me,
i laughed hard,
i cried when i needed to,
i slept deeply,
i indulged and withdrew when applicable,
i hugged as many people as possible,
i did cannonballs and splashed with childlike glee,
i smiled til my face hurt...

all the factors that contribute to the lasting impression that a 'year' makes are the factors that i allow to leave an impression. the truth about life is that it's all in how you remember it.

there is no reason for 2009 to be any different, except that i have realized the key to changing my pattern:

i am the common denominator, i have to be the difference i want to see in my year. nobody is going to do it for me, i cannot wait for the strings to be pulled in my favor, i have to go out and do what needs to be done and i need to take some control over the factors that i allow to dominate my year, and i have to be prayerful and immersed in God's word and power in order to have clarity in my pursuits.

first on the docket: job.

give me something, anything.

2008-12-28T22:31:00.002-05:00

there were times before Christmas that i really dreaded thinking about spending time with my family.

i thought out loud "oh God. why would i go back?"

there are various reasons that i dislike spending holidays with my family. one of the most obvious is that my grandmother has the tact of a jellyfish and my grandfather is 1 step closer to 'certifiable' every year [bless his heart, i love that man, he will be missed, he is a walking one-man-show]

but most importantly, my dad is not in town for holidays and my mom doesn't know a thing about me.

living with my mother and grandfather last year at this time was very hard. my mother never asked how i was doing. she would always unload on me about her divorce from my Dad and whenever i might offer my own vulnerability she'd change the subject back to herself.

in a lot of ways talking to/dealing with my mom is like dealing with a 12 year old. in many ways i find myself 'mothering' my own mother and it just doesn't settle well with me. i don't wan to have to guide her or hold her hand through life, she's an adult. it's hard for me to lead my own life, much less allow her to destroy any optimism i may have scooped up along the way.

i spent a total 4 hours with my family, and although i am thankful for them in ways that i may never understand or totally acknowledge, i know that in the future i will be able to be closer to them and it will be a healthy place of growth and joy, but this year was not that year. i spent the better part of 3 days with Carla and her fabulous family. warts and all Carla's family is the kind of family that i hope to achieve one day. the traditions, the unconditional love, the spats and forgiveness, everything is a learning experience and at the end of the day, they love each other, and they allow me to be an adopted daughter.

i love that.

just in time for Christmas.

2008-12-19T22:11:00.002-05:00

so, lately i've been comparing my life to walking down a dead end road.

marriage was a dead end.

seminary was a dead end.

getting a job at that book company was a dead end.

waiting tables for 6 months was a dead end.

now, my nanny job has become a dead end.

not that i thought i'd be a nanny forever, wait Peter Pan, children do get older, they won't need me forever. but i did think that at most i would be employed by this family until next July and then i would try and become a teacher. that was my plan.

that was the plan until i realized that the family i work full-time for gave me 2 weeks off for Christmas because they don't need me and they are not going to be paying me for any time off. AND on top of this, when i voiced my insight on how Nanny-etiquette would dictate a situation like this should be handled, they met me with resistance and insisted that they should not pay me. i tried to stand firm and they eventually met me 1/4 of the way, AND in the process said something along the lines of "Jill thinks we're overpaying you enough as it is....." and the father went into a little bit of a rant about how i only have one child while the other is at school. blah blah blah.

let me just say that in NO circumstances should an employer mention to an employee that they want to keep that they think they are 'overpaying' them.

wow. that was such a slap in the face. and the worst part is that i had to take their offer because i have no other options. i have no savings to fall back on. i don't have parents that can shower me with unwarranted monies. i have too much pride to ask people for money. so i have to grin and bear it with this job until i find something else. on top of that, there seem to be 100,000,000 hoops to jump through in order to become a teacher in Wake county. awesome.

it's all just in time for Christmas.

i know that this year has been great and that i have learned so much, but i am still just feeling so

dis:
-enchanted
-illusioned
-gusted
-appointed
-couraged

and since i've got 2 weeks off, i know myself well enough to know that i won't be nearly as proactive as i will need to be in order to find another job....but i want to prove myself wrong. BLAH so much to think about!

heart chaos.

2008-12-09T23:44:00.002-05:00

i would be pretending if i said that everything is coming up roses in my life right now.

in the past week i have had 5 serious talks with 4 separate people about things that have been experienced or observed about interactions with said people, and those kind of serious conversations always take a lot out of me. like, my appetite goes away and whatever i do eat gives me serious stomach problems. my nerves just go straight through the roof, it's obnoxious.

also, i called Seth last week and got an automated voicemail, didn't leave a message, but then called him the next night and left a message. tried to do like Monica and sound 'breezy' [Friends? anyone?] but i wasn't calling for any reason except to see how he's doing. it has been over 400 days since i saw him, and right at about 6 months since i last spoke with him [since May] and i haven't missed him or wanted to be back with him once. i can honestly stand behind our decision to split, but that doesn't mean that i don't want to be cordial and call him. and, the holiday cheer/spirit got to me and i felt like it's probably the most appropriate time of the year to extend an olive branch.

he hasn't called back.

i wonder if i have the wrong number. either way, i'm not too worried about it. mostly because i do what any good 'ex' would do, i.e. i used facebook to check on him.

back in October i realized that i was looking at his page too often, and so i blocked him and i hadn't allowed myself to look at his page for a very long time. but on Sunday night, i guess i relapsed, i went into facebook, unblocked him, looked at his page, and then promplty re-blocked him. it's so funny to type it, to admit it out there in the cyberspaces, that i am one of those people, but that's how i do. :) i was happy to see that he changed his profile picture and seems to be tagged in a few pictures at parties and stuff. so he's being social. also, and probably most critical to me, he is still listed as Single. although, after reading the latest on his wall posts, the girls he is meeting out there seem to be chatting him up quite a bit. so good for that. i think i mainly check on him because i get worried that he has sequestered himself and might not be too social. but it looks like he's doing a good job of getting out, so that is the best thing i could ask for.

of course, if he calls, i will post. if he doesn't, i imagine i will be posting anyway, because the holidays make me think a LOT.

the title 'heart chaos' also has to do with a lot of my emotional state right now, i am feeling the ache to have a love that 'lasts forever' [i have sappy movies to blame for that]. i am feeling like i wasted 2008 and that i still don't have a 'Big Girl' job like i wanted to have back in January. i am feeling like i am always too quick to talk and volunteer things about myself before i take the time to listen [i am getting a big "SHUT UP" sign from God right now]. i am feeling like the only boys i might ever be interested in romantically, could potentially, reject me because of the fact that i have a past that doesn't exactly shine like the sun. i am feeling like there are issues with my family that i just can't pinpoint, that i would rather crawl to the top of Mt. Everest in a bikini than sit at my grandmother's table and eat Christmas dinner for 1 minute {what is it?!}

so much to think about. so much heart chaos.

it's a holiday

2008-11-27T15:50:00.003-05:00

opposed to last year, this Thanksgiving is going to be TONS better and more fun.

last year, i had been home, living with my mother and grandfather for a month.

last year, i was focused on how alone i was. how it was my first "single" thanksgiving in over 6 years.

last year, i was ready to crawl back into bed and not be present for any part of the festivities.

this year, i live in a new house, with my awesome roomie Carla.

this year, i have never had so many people that actually care about me.

this year, i am not thinking about how i am 'single'. i've been single for over 6 months now, which is fun. i'm still cautiously learning what it means for Lisa to be Lisa and not Lisa & ______. you know?

also, my younger sister and i took a 13 hour road trip to surprise our older sister Melodie up in Massachusetts. we schemed and connived a plan with her boyfriend so that we could walk in on them at a restaurant and totally surprise her. we did and she totally cried. it was awesome. being in the car for 13 hours would not be fun for most people, but with Sophie, it was totally fun, and it actually felt like a lot less than 13 hours. i freakin love my sisters. this turkey-day is already leaps and bounds above last year's thanksgiving. the best part is that i know that i had nothing to do with it, i am learning to be thankful to God that He is the one in control and that when i let go, He can totally work a miracle in my life.

burnt up.

2008-11-17T11:49:00.003-05:00

i had my fire last weekend, and it was glorious.

i had tears in my eyes as i saw the things that had meant so much between Seth and i, go up in flames.

i had a friend take some pictures for me, here are the best images:

throwing on some of the 'love' notes he wrote me, and a few pictures.

this is a pic of a 2 paintings i made for him, the blue one is 25 different ways to say i love you, i.e. different languages. there is another painting being licked by the flames, you can see it has a lot of little words on it, these were all the reasons i loved him. i made these in my junior year of college.

he never hung either one.
this was the fire after i had thrown everything in. i love those ashes.

fire.

2008-10-14T14:41:00.003-04:00

one of my new friends from church ended an engagement over the summer. she was supposed to be married on Oct 4, and so as the day approached, she asked that we help her distract herself from wallowing in "what should've been happening" during the day that Saturday.

we went on a strenuous bike ride, we spent time primping and making ourselves look h-o-t, and we went out for an evening on the town. it was a good time, and we made sure that she knew that we were happy that she was happy and that she was loved.

the next day, as we were talking, she mentioned that she knew that the end of October was going to be hard for me and so if i thought i wanted to, she would help organize the group to celebrate the day that i drove back home from Kentucky and started my life over. yes. i think i will take them up on it.

i've been sorting through my things, and i have an entire box of things that i want to burn in a 'cleansing ceremony' for myself. "love" notes, presents, books, etc, anything and everything that reminds me of Seth. i want to cleanse myself of those things and i want to see them all burn away into nothingness. so i think i am going to ask my friends to have a bonfire with me.

won't that be fun?! i will def. take pictures and share.

p.s.
i have a crush.

Divorce Care

2008-10-01T23:24:00.003-04:00

tonight i went to my first Divorce Care class. if you don't know what it is, it's basically a support group for people going through or finished with separation or divorce, but with a Christian faith based curriculum and video series.

believe me when i say that i was wary of the class, especially because the videos on the website are SO circa 1986, but i have been looking forward to being around other people that are going through similar situations in their lives so i gave it a chance and went.

i will say that the video was borderline "how old is this footage?!" but in the end i was really happy to sit through it and to take notes during it [i love taking notes. i am such a school nerd].

it touched on so many of the thoughts i've been having, and of course, made me cry like a baby as i processed what it talked about. i will post more later as i review my notes.

meanwhile, i have had a shitstorm of trouble with my car - registration, inspection, insurance. etc. don't even get me started on that topic.

so much to process.

life together

2008-09-24T23:11:00.003-04:00

i am so happy to have friends in Raleigh.

i have always had friends, i've even been what i would consider popular (i was homecoming queen and beat out the cheerleaders!). i have people who care about me, i know this, but they are busy living their own personal adventures and walking their own paths.

i've never really had to beg people to hang out with me. but since the unmarriedment, and living in an entirely new city, i have found myself lonely for friends. of course i've been lonely for a romantic partner, but i have also been lonely for a group of friends who i can be myself around.

there is usually a 'testing' phase when you meet new people, you know, where you're super polite "If you're hot, let me know and i'll turn up the A/C." "No, no, we can go wherever, i'm in the mood to eat anything." and the 'testing' phase usually means that no one is truly being themselves. i like to skip the polite phase and just jump into being as awesomely lisa as i can. but i know that this also gets interpreted as 'coming on too strong' for new people, and that's why i've been lonely in Raleigh since January.

i just wanted to find people who can laugh, and pray, and yell, and cuss, and cry, and laugh more, and truly be themselves. but it was always hit and miss, crash and burn, with a lot of the people i've met through the restaurant job, or other various avenues of introduction. it seems like i'll get along great with someone i meet and i'm looking forward to hanging out again, and tick..tick..tick...nothing. they must not have been so impressed with me. or i'll meet someone who is moderately interesting and/or cool, only to find that they have the most irritating personality ever later on into conversation.

living with Carla is great, don't get me wrong, but it's more than that. it's finding more than one person that i can be myself around. Carla loves me, i know this, and i love her, but we can't fulfill the social needs of one another indefinitely, and so, i began attending a small group Bible Study and it has been just what i needed.

this group that i have started going to (Carla too, we both like it), is a group of people either my age or a year younger, and we meet weekly, we make meals and take them to the homeless, then we eat together, then we pray for one another, then we read the Bible. it is soo sooo sooooo nice to be with other people, in a location away from my house for one night a week (although, i've been over there more than once this week already, and i'm going tomorrow for small group!) it's been awesome to just have some regularity, have some people who are pouring their hearts into mine and vice-versa. it's nice to be cared about, joked with, and hugged. oh, the hugs are the best part. hugging is loneliness' kryptonite.

i am just so thankful, it was about time!

iowa and home again

2008-09-13T10:42:00.003-04:00

so i spent the last week in the great state of Iowa helping with flood relief. the flooding happened on June 12, and there are still houses that haven't been touched!

i had to have some serious talks with myself so that i would actually come back to NC and not stay in Iowa indefinitely.

reasons why i couldn't stay there:
-no income (car bill, rent (no way i would get a subleaser!), student loans, utilities, car insurance, cell phone!)
-too far from people i really love
-no car
-sleeping on an air mattress is only fun in short amounts of time
-losing my job here b/c it would be 'irresponsible' for me to just not show up for a few weeks.

it really came down to the fact that i have bills to pay. if i had a guaranteed way to make money while volunteering (i.e. freelance writing or something fun), i would have stayed for sure. alas, i had to come back, and even though i miss Iowa ferociously, i am glad to be back, glad to get back to normal, and now i am daydreaming about my next Disaster Relief opportunity (not that i'm hoping for them, but natural disasters are bound to happen!)

travel

2008-09-02T21:12:00.002-04:00

going to Iowa to volunteer for 7 days.

flight leaves in less than 7 hours.

will post intermittently throughout my trip.

i've been thinking a lot.

got a lot to say.

wordle

2008-08-28T00:25:00.012-04:00

this is a wordle from my post about being 23 yr old divorcee and being a Christian.

i just love seeing all my words floating around.
it makes it feel less sharp, and more productive.

i love how small the word 'doubt' is, how healing is right at the heart of it, and how devastation is the first word and hope is the last word i see when i skim from left to right.

3 weddings in 2008

2008-08-24T22:37:00.000-04:00

a real wedding, a fake wedding, and a fast wedding:

the real one was the one that i wrote about earlier this year, the one in which hijinks and hilarity ensued.

the fake one was the one that i went to yesterday, the one where the couple has been married for a year and a half but "needed" to have a church ceremony.

and the fast one is one that i will be going to (not a part of) in November, i say fast because they got engaged Aug 4 and their wedding date is Nov 22.

a little more about the fake one:

i say fake for several reasons 1-they eloped to Las Vegas over a year and a half ago and have already been officially & legally married since then. 2-i don't really think they love each other. she needed a reason to move to America and become a U.S. citizen. i'm betting that it doesn't last very long once she's officially a real 'Merican. i also say this because i know for a fact that her husband is a creepy, perverted, repressed douchebag and is not someone worth marrying. 3-it was super lame.

it was a Catholic ceremony, the first Catholic ceremony that i've ever been to. needless to say i was a little lost, but i was sitting with a friend who is Catholic (albeit she hadn't been to church in over 10 years)....and she was able to help me navigate through. i noticed that the bride and groom weren't even touching each other, much less looking at each other, and so i asked my friend if that was part of the custom. she said that it was, and that they would eventually be prompted to hold hands by the priest....but even once the big P told them to hold hands, etc, they looked uncomfortable with each other. i don't know, it was very very telling.

funny note: they had Communion, with real wine (my church uses grape juice and we don't really believe that we are drinking blood and eating flesh), and while i refrained from partaking in the sacrament b/c i'm not Catholic and didn't want to offend anyone. but what cracked me up was when Communion was over and the kid (he looked to be just about 21) who was helping the priest had to drink the rest of wine. almost no one took Communion, so he was up there, just drinking away. and it cracked me up!! so funny. to me....anyway.

at the dinner after the ceremony, i sat with one friend, but we were sitting beside 2 strangers. as we got to know these two stranger ladies that were seated beside us, i came to find out that the girl beside me was married, unhappily married. it didn't take long before i just enlightened her on my life post-unmarriedment. and she was enthralled. she was like, everything you're saying is something i have thought over and over for the past year and a half...... i gave her my number and my email address, she said she felt bad for talking about divorce at a wedding reception. but i told her that there's never a bad time to be honest about stuff. and as many people as we know getting married, there are going to be unhappy couples. it's just the statistics..

i'm looking forward to the 'fast' wedding in November. although their engagement is going to be short, i'm sure that their wedding will be simple but fun! they've dated for over a year and he's a preacher and she's a teacher. yes, they are also innately cheesy folks, but i absolutely adore this girl and i know that she is really going to be happy with her man.

as far as i know i should only have 3 weddings for 2008...on the docket for 2009, i've got 2 weddings already: May and July.....i wonder how many more there will be!

the hard parts.

2008-08-22T22:57:00.002-04:00

i know that i should be happy that my friends came over for my birthday party this past Saturday, AND that there were over 20 people that showed up for it.

i know that it was pretty great for my grandfather, dad, mother, sisters and Carla to call me on my actual birthday.

i know that it was great for my new job's family to have the babies sing happy birthday to me.

but the hard part was coming home to an empty house at 5:15 with absolutely no actual birth-day plans.

the hard part was not getting a call from Jeannie (who hasn't spoken or typed or txted a single word to me since her wedding in JANUARY, don't know why?!) or from Ray, or from my Mentor.....

the hard part was realizing that i have spent my last 8 years with a significant other in my life. seriously, since 2000 i had a boyfriend/fiance/husband on my birthday. so even if my friends might have let me down (for various reasons, school starting, moving in, moving away, etc. i think that having a mid-august birthday can be just as annoying as a mid-december birthday b/c it gets lost in the shuffle) i could avoid having feelings of disappointment by having a boyfriend who would take me on a date.

the hard part was realizing that as much as my family loves me, besides Sophie, i haven't seen any of them for weeks and none of them really have made an effort to come and visit me. birthdays aren't really all that big in my family. at most we might go out to eat, but there haven't really been 'presents' for a very long time. and certainly no birthday parties. it's just kind of disappointing when you know that your Dad loves you but didn't call until after 5pm, and even then, we only talked for 2 minutes. yes, literally 2 minutes, i just checked it. he did send an e-card, but even that was disappointing.

the hard part was realizing that on his birthday a week and a half ago, i sent Seth a simple, friendly email that said "happy birthday, i hope you are well". and i know, that he knew that it was my birthday yesterday, and yet, nothin. i guess that cutting me completely off is part of his coping mechanism, but damn, really? we were together for 5 years. geez louise.

the hard part was waking up at the ass-crack of dawn to go watch other people's beautiful children, in their ideal, incredible home, with pictures from their wedding day everywhere, feeling dead on my feet b/c i was so tired (i am NOT functional before 9 am).....and getting home right at 5:15 only to realize that the only immediate plans i had were to take a nap.

the hard part was realizing that dwelling on all of these things was just making me resent being alone on my birthday. so i made some plans, went out and played pool for a couple of hours, and made the best of it.

hilarious side note: i really dislike my grandmother. she sent me a card to say Happy Birthday and to remind me that my birthday present was the car payment that she mistakingly paid for me in July (she cosigned for me, my payment was late [for the first time in 3 years] and so she paid $200 for CarMax to stop calling her.) i will be paying her back as soon as i can cover my bills and make up for some late credit card payments.

my birfday

2008-08-21T18:08:00.003-04:00

today is my birthday!

i am currently spending it alone (am i okay with this? maybe. i haven't decided. i'm trying to avoid feeling lonely...)

i'm 24. eep!

Carla isn't even here for my birthday, because unfortunately, her Grandpa died on Monday! sad sad sad!

first day joyfulness

2008-08-18T21:49:00.003-04:00

i am usually quick to jump to conclusions about the new things in my life, i.e.:

"i love my new job"-i was fired 5 weeks later.
"getting married is the next step for sure"-well, we all know this didn't exactly pan out.
"this guy is awesome and i think i can get serious with him"-most single guys are douchebags....and it takes too long to sort them out [they should wear nametags: "Hello! I'm James, (Douchebag)"

but today i had my first day on my new nanny job and i really really enjoyed it a LOT. i don't want to make any grandiose statements like "I love it and want to do it forever..." or "It's PERFECT", but today did go really really well.

last fall when i was still married, i was a nanny for a family with a 2 1/2 year old and a 1 year old and it was SO challenging.

first of all they didn't have a very big home, so i rotated from the kitchen to the living room to the upstairs kid's room and somedays i was inside their house from 8 am to 6 pm and it made me crazy.

secondly, the dad worked from home, so he was always in the next room, which had its upsides, but definitely made me feel like i was being chaperoned on my own job.

thirdly they had a LOT of restrictions for their kids, like organic foods, no tv, closed circuit tv baby monitors (so i could actually watch the kids take naps w/o being in the room, it always made me feel creepy)......

the family that i started with today has very similar guidelines, like the fresh foods, nothing fried, no tv, but they're more relaxed about things like no baby monitors i just have to keep an ear out, no coddling (it makes the kids much more mature and accepting about things if they don't go their way, it's hard but it really helps them understand SO much more!)

and at the end of the day, when the mom came home, the baby didn't want me to leave! which was GREAT because she normally has a hard time adjusting to people! it was so precious to be missed before i'd even gone out the door!

while i am avoiding saying that i had a super-awesome-great day, i really enjoyed my first day on the new job and i am actually looking forward to waking up at an ungodly hour tomorrow to face my second day! yippy!

re-adjusting

2008-08-17T23:22:00.003-04:00

definitely gonna have to readjust my sleeping patterns now that my work week is 7:30a-5p Monday through Thursday! AND i'm gonna have to start getting things done when i get home in the afternoon.

i'd like to work in time to read the books i'm in the middle of (still haven't finished the divorce book even though i am itching to!) and i need to DEFINITELY schedule in some work-out time (considering i had to peel my jeans off tonight, literally, peel, it made me feel disgusting).....

i'm just going to have to do a lot of readjusting, especially because it's something i've always struggled with, time management. bluh! i hate growing up.

alright.

i have to be at my new nanny job in 8 hours........must sleep............now!

(will tell more about the job in the next post, promise!)

prolonged singleness

2008-08-15T20:30:00.004-04:00

let's review:

first boyfriend, the Outcast: dated from March 1999-May 1999 (9th grade!!!). broke up with him b/c he wanted to put his hand up my shirt and he wasn't a Christian (said i was weak because i was a Christian).

singleness: lasted from May to July, approximately 2 months.

second boyfriend, the Jock: dated from July 1999-February 2000. broke up a few days before Valentines. found out he was dating someone new one week later.

singleness: lasted from Feb 2000 to May 2000, approximately 2 months.

third boyfriend, the Heart-Throb: dated from March 2001-March 2002. but we practically dated from May 2000 to April 2002. he was my first real love, but he was too needy, and unfortunately, now he's a tool! why do the good ones go rotten?

singleness: lasted from April 2002 to June 2002, approximately 2 months.

fourth boyfriend, the OverKill Christian: dated from June 2002-September 2002. i knew he was an outspoken conservative Christian when we met, but seriously, you have never seen someone so naive to the real world. broke up with him over dinner in the cafeteria at college.

singleness: lasted from September 2002 to January 2003, approximately 4 months.

fifth boyfriend, i.e. the Unhusband: dated from 2003 to 2005, got engaged, engaged for a year, then married in June 2006. married for a year and 4 months, ended October 2007. total togetherness: 5 years almost.

singleness: lasted from October 2007 to March 2008, approximately 5 months (which was best because i was a MESS)

sixth boyfriend, the Depresso: dated from March 2008 to May 2008. i think he was definitely my "rebound" boyfriend. what was i thinking? i knew nothing about him!

currently single after that lame break-up.

do you notice the pattern that i do? i am usually only single for 2-4 months and then i'm off the market indeterminably. i recognized this pattern and shared my concern with my ever-so-fabulous roommate Carla, and we both think it might be interesting for me to be single for a while, just to see what happens.

i never really thought i was one of those women who "doesn't like to be alone", but looking at that pattern, it makes me feel like a cheesy, overly dependent wuss-woman. i'm kind of excited to see what i can come up with when left to my own devices for more than a few months.........and it's kind of nice to keep my options open for a bit. it doesn't mean i won't enjoy the men that are in my life, but i just won't be tying myself down for a while.

the unofficial game-plan 08-09

2008-08-13T14:22:00.000-04:00

so,

i accepted a nanny position, hopefully it will work out so that i can work with this family until the end of next July.

and hopefully by the end of next July i will have gotten a NC Teacher's certification so that i can qualify for a lateral-entry teaching position.

that, my dear friends, is the unofficial gameplan.

it took a lot of thought and prayer and assessment, but i really do think that i will be happy as a nanny while i save some money and help enrich the lives of two beautiful kids, and i think that i will ultimately be happy if i am a teacher as well.

i'm also thinking i might add some online courses to try and get my Master's in Creative Writing....oh, all these dreams are just adding up!

8 things? only 8? ok!

2008-08-09T15:43:00.002-04:00

my new friend Millie has tagged me to do a me-me of listing 8 things that i want to do before i die.

alright Millie, you asked for it. :)

8: live in a treehouse. swiss family robinson style.

7: visit Kakadu National Park in Australia, it was on NOVA 'Living Edens' on PBS when i was in 10 grade and it's been on my list ever since.

6: read the entire Bible, even the begats.

5: meet Oprah Winfrey (hopefully when she deals with my #1 list topper)

4: be asked to sing at a friend's wedding. hopefully after i've taken some serious voice lessons. *this is really 2 hopes combined into one list item.

3: join a pool league. i LOVE to play pool. i don't care if i totally don't fit in because i have all my teeth and i don't smoke, i love going to the dankest pool halls and playing pool for hours.

2: have children. i've always always always known that i am going to be the best mom ever.

1: write a bestseller and have it win awards like "Best New Author" etc. etc. :) DREAM BIG!

i'll tag who i want, but not right now......will come later....

hook me up Jesus

2008-08-06T19:07:00.003-04:00

alright.

so.

tonight at work,

i put in,

my 2 weeks notice.

last day will be Friday the 15.

alright Jesus.

i'm ready for whatever You're lining up.

i hope it's gooooooooood!

what to say.....

2008-08-03T20:21:00.002-04:00

i am becoming more and more comfortable with sharing the fact that the divorce is finalized and that i am single....

the thing is now that it's official, the most common response that i've been getting is

"and how do you feel about it?"

it sometimes prompts me to want to scream

"ELATED!"

"OVERWHELMINGLY HAPPY!"

"LIKE A MILLION BUCKS!"

but whenever someone asks me this, i just wonder to myself, what do they mean? should i feel any differently now than i have in the past?

do they expect me to feel differently? before it was official, whenever i was asked this question, my response has been the same: it's the best decision i've ever made. ever.

seriously! the BEST decision!

now that it's official, i'm only MORE AFFIRMED that this has been the best decision for me even if it was hard.

recently i've been attending an Early 20's Singles class at a local church and while i've enjoyed meeting the people and being introduced to other people my age, i have to say, that this group of people is full of misguided, naive and ultra-conservative folks. i haven't exactly spilled the beans that i'm a recent divorcee, mainly because it's none of their business, but also because i get the slightest, faintest feeling that they might just shun me or have me wear a scarlet letter "D" to any of their group meetings!!! ha!

on their singles ministry website they have a special note saying that this group is for people who are single and have never been married.........this is something that i choose to ignore. i would think that their "divorced" class would be filled with much older, much less easy to relate to people.....

anyway, i can only imagine what their responses would be if i were to out myself and just declare to the group "You guys are so so so narrow-minded! i'm a divorcee and i've never been more at peace with a decision in my life!" i'm sure that i'd get a response of "God didn't want you to get a divorce" and "There's no room for divorce in God's love" etc etc. but right now i'm flying below radar. just trying to enjoy being around other people who are in similar life situations....with similar beliefs....but i don't know how long i'll be able to hold my tongue in such settings anymore. i just feel like they need to be shaken up a little. they need to be reminded that Jesus would've been sharing meals with Hell's Angels, prostitutes, Marilyn Manson AND me, and He would never make us wear scarlet letters.

alright.

i know that was a little scatter-brained, but i've been needing to say something about something, so that was it.

OH,

and no word on the job interview, if she wants to interview me in the second round then i will find out on Thursday....i'd be super-stoked if i were to get a second interview (the company was really fresh, the staff was really young and smart, the dress was casual, etc....) but if i don't i'm sure that God has something else in mind for me....i just hope i am smart enough to recognize it when it happens....especially because i am thisclose to putting in my 2 weeks at the restaurant <--will explain this in a separate post soon.

o-f-f-i-c-i-a-l

2008-08-01T23:42:00.003-04:00

the UNMARRIEDMENT was OFFICIAL as of Monday July 28, 2008.

NOW IT IS TIME FOR CELEBRATION!!!!!

hopefully hired.

2008-07-30T15:56:00.003-04:00

i'm being a little presumptive.

but i do have an interview ****fingers crossed!**** Thursday at 3:30.......

i'm so tired of waiting tables that i just want to scream!

i could rant right now, but i'm trying to focus my energy on the positive thoughts about this interview!

i'm going to take the interview before i go into details about what the job is, but know this, if i get it, i won't be working for tips!

will post again soon!

a little affirmation

2008-07-18T17:34:00.002-04:00

so the last time that i wrote about my unmarried papers, i was wrong in assuming that those were the 'last' papers. it turns out that i had to sign one more set of papers, supposedly the LAST ones.

i took it to the Kinko's so i could make copies of them before sending them away, and i also needed to send a fax. i stepped up to the counter and handed the man my papers, i said that i needed just one copy, and that they were legal papers so i'd need to make sure they didn't get out of order.

he smiled and helped me make the copies. then he smiled and helped me send the fax.

his manager walked over at just about the time i was finishing up the fax and he asked me how i was doing.

i told him i was doing great! that i had just finalized my divorce and that freedom was soon on its way!

he smiled and said that he was glad that i was glad and he hoped i had an excellent day.

i asked how much i owed him for the copies and fax, and he said again, have an excellent day.

he didn't charge me.

even though it was just a small amount of money that he saved me, it was really really nice of them to encourage me and to tell me to have an excellent day.

i guess it's karma!

soliciting support

2008-07-13T21:06:00.002-04:00

i finished Chapter 3 today: "There's Something I Have To Tell You..." Sharing Your News and Getting the Support You Need From Friends, Family and Work.

it was really hard to read over the tears that welled up in my eyes as i read the chapter. i knew it'd be tough, mainly because i'm going through a very lonely time in my life. oh yes, i am surrounded by people, the restaurant keeps me busy, living in the second highest populated city in North Carolina, i am definitely in no shortage for people. but i haven't been getting the support i need. i haven't had people asking me how i'm doing, or if they've asked, it's only a superficial question. no one offers a shoulder for me to cry on or an ear to talk to, with the sole EXCEPTION of Carla. no one calls, no one emails, and the only mail that comes are the bills, that i am currently unable to pay. my only incoming calls are from Carla.

all that to say, that the following lines inspired me:

If you are like [the authors] Kay and Sarah, you might have trouble asking for help, so allow yourself to be more demanding during this time. If people don't know how to be there for you, then give them ideas.
...People who love you will often do extraordinary things if you just give them the opportunity.

so, i decided that i am going to do just what i've been needing to do for quite a while. i need to email my friends and family and solicit their support. not one of them knows how often i cry myself to sleep. not one of them knows how lonely it is for me to be home alone for hours on end with only a kitten to comfort me. just once i'd like to have someone surprise me, with anything, something out of the ordinary. my birthday is in just over a month, and honestly, i'm already disappointed.

i'm emailing them tonight.

i'll keep you posted on the response that i get, if any.

-lisa-

standing at a crossroads

2008-07-12T23:17:00.002-04:00

i don't want to work at the restaurant anymore. i can't take it. i want to help with the flood relief in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, but i can't afford to just up and go out there. i want to be making a difference, i want to be paid to live my life and not begging for hours to get tips from people.

but i keep standing back, looking at my life, asking, seriously, "what does God want me to be learning from my life right now?"

WHAT does He want me to be learning?

what direction am i going in?

what am i supposed to do?

being at a crossroads means that i feel like my feet are confused, they don't know which way to point, which in turn gives me rubber knees and that awful shaky wobbly leg feeling.

WHAT?!

still reading

2008-07-10T22:07:00.001-04:00

still reading that book. it's totally awesome. still highly recommend it for you to read.

now i'm just juggling feelings of being overwhelmed..... i gotta find a job.

........................

bluh.

new book, new insight.

2008-06-20T19:28:00.007-04:00

clearly, i have an undying affection for books, as i have aptly named my own blog after the way that my life has crept along, book by book.

over the holidays while i worked in a mainstream bookstore, i spent some of my off-time and breaks looking over the section with the title "Divorce", in the lifestyles section near "Death" and "Homosexuality" (i have no idea why they were all grouped together), but as i looked over the shelves, i noticed that most of the books were aimed towards a different divorced woman than myself.

they were geared for women with children, older women, women who cheated, women who were cheated on, or the legal proceedings and psychological tolls of dealing with the loss of a spouse after a lengthy marriage.

where were the books for the:

childless
young
short marriages?

i never found what i wanted on the shelves at the bookstore, i guess there isn't yet a wide-spread market for women [or men] in this status. but i did find what i wanted when i went home and googling until i hit a title that looked like it was just what i was looking for:

Not Your Mother's Divorce
by Kay Moffett and Sarah Touborg

i wrote it down in my little notebook [all great writer's carry around a notebook for jotting things, too bad mine isn't always for brilliant writing ideas, and it's more so for lists of things i need to remember]...

and i forgot about it.

until about a week ago, when i was flipping through my little notebook and saw the title. i went to my local library's website (Lavar Burton would be so proud of me!) and i found it and put a request on it. i picked it up this morning and devoured the first chapter.

i will be sharing my own insights on the book, if you can get your hands on a copy, we could do an online bookclub! so far, i find myself nodding along, agreeing on everything i read, my eyes welling up with tears as i read the chapter titles:

1-Where Did Our Love Go?
2-Suddenly Single
3-"There's Something I Need To Tell You" Sharing the news, and getting the support you need from friends, family and work.
4-Losing a Bed, a Bank Account, and a Roommate Physical and Financial Separation
5-Untying the Knot The Legal Process
6-In the Company of a Vivid Ghost Encounters with Your Ex
7-Here Comes the Divorcee Single in Society
8-The Dating Scene-Take Two
9-Retying the Knot-or Not
10-When Life Hands You Limes, Make Mojitos

already, i want to skip ahead and read Chapter 3 right away....but i'm finishing up Chapter 1....the rest will come in time.

what did i do today?

2008-06-17T00:43:00.002-04:00

today:

i woke up at 9:30.

i sat on my bed for countless hours.

and i washed my sheets and remade my bed.

i watched waaaay too much tv.

watched my kitten take a thousand naps.

i cruised craigslist.

i took a shower.

i watched 3 episodes of Intervention.

i played online games.

essentially, i didn't have to work and proceeded to act like it's summer and it's the 8th grade all over again.....

yay for lazy days, except that i did have a few things that i needed to be doing instead........

there is hope and healing for my heart.

2008-06-13T17:19:00.004-04:00

on Sunday morning Carla and i tried out a new church. i see the signs for it everyday on my way to work, and although we have been "regularly" attending another church that we really like alot, we decided to try this new church out because it is a lot closer to home and we haven't really been warmly welcomed at the other church.

anyway. last Saturday night i got online to check on what time the service was and what to expect. the website was very helpful and i even got to see what the topic was for the next morning.

the headline was "When Marriages End".

so we went to the service the next morning and even though we realized that there weren't even 20 people that were attending the service [i.e. it's a new church and doesn't have very many members yet, but we spoke to practically everyone] the message was worth going for.

the Pastor opened with prayer and then looked out at all of us and said:

Within the Christian community sometimes I think that we know more of what to do and say when a marriage ends in death than when it ends in divorce.

i wanted to stand up right then and raise the roof and shout Hallelujah! but i didn't. i just nodded in agreement. to say that people realize the devastation of losing a spouse to death, but that they don't recognize the exact same devastation of losing a spouse by divorce.

it's part of the reason that i didn't go to my home church for any of the time that i moved back in with my mother. people just don't know what to say to you. i'm not saying that they are insensitive or judgmental (though some are and have been), i'm just saying that they aren't sure if you want to be sad about it or if they should be happy for you.

just once i would've loved for someone to ask me if i was going to be okay financially [the answer would've been 'NO! i don't have any money!' or to have asked me when was the last time i had a home-cooked meal [the answer would've been that i don't eat anything that isn't microwaved first]...

in a lot of ways what the pastor had to say about divorce was right on. he said that the number one thing about when a marriage ends in divorce is that there is always pain. there is always pain. yep. he got that one right. even though i may have been the one who needed to get out before i drowned in the agony of my marriage, it still hurt. it was still the singlemost painful experience in my life and i am still struggling with feelings of abandonment, inadequacy, insecurity, doubt, and uncertainty no matter how well i seem to be doing on the outside.

the main point that i loved that he made was this:

When a marriage ends in divorce, the church has a special call to those hurt by divorce. we have a special call to be a healer of the pain. If we believe that marriage is an incredible metaphor for the bride of Christ, if we believe that divorce brings pain to those involved with it, then our job as a church is one of two things: We can be a place to bring more pain in, where people come into a church and they feel worse about the path of their life than better or we can decide as a church to bring healing to the hurt.

the church needs to be a place that i can go where i won't feel judged because i am 23 and getting divorced. yes, it is most definitely unfortunate that my young little marriage didn't work out, that things were not worth salvaging, and that i may never be the same now that i am a divorcee, but it doesn't change the fact that Christ loves me the same now as He ever did [which is saying alot!]. it doesn't change the fact that i love Christ, more than ever before.

the final words that he said to us that really hit home for me were:

If you have been through the pains of divorce, I want to tell you that there is hope and healing for your heart, there's the chance for joy, there's a chance for love, and there is restoration.

i cannot wait to feel like i have been restored again, right now i feel like i'm in the wallows...i would've been married for two years this past tuesday. two years ago tonight i was in Costa Rica on my honeymoon. two years ago i was naive and thought that things were just starting to stabilize, that i was going to be able to make something out of an unhealthy relationship...we had fun moments, we had tense moments, but in the end, we didn't have enough to build on...

walking in the dark

2008-06-11T23:04:00.002-04:00

since i was "let go" from my first full time job, i've been working close to 40 hours a week at the restaurant that i'd been working in before i got that full time job.

anyway.

working at the restaurant all day means that i am on my feet and walking around all day, but it also means that i am literally inside all day.

now that the weather is only describable as hot as hell outside, the restaurant has a hard time staying cool because of the grills and the opening and closing doors. but just being hot because it's hot out doesn't have the same effect as actually being outside enjoying nature.

i'm big into being outside, so when i get home at night i want to be outside.

tonight i ate dinner outside on our porch with Carla. it was lovely, but it wasn't enough. i wanted to go on a walk, so i got my cell phone (for safety), and set out for a nice little stroll by myself.

it was great except for the feeling that most people driving by were a little weirded out about seeing a woman out for a walk after dark by the road... but i used my time wisely by walking over to the community center that is really nearby and inquired about their weight room membership.

that's it.

yesterday was what would have been my 2nd wedding anniversary.

my idea was to get in great shape soon so that any pictures of me from this point forward are frickin awesome.

i love that i got outside tonight, regardless of the fact that i was on a walk alone, and i love that 2 years ago i was getting married, 1 year ago i was married [i'd be willing to say unhappily so], and here i am, unmarried and totally satisfied with my life and where it is headed.

now....i'm still brainstorming about how to rightly celebrate being unmarried in replacement of my 2 year wedding anniversary....

love of my life

2008-06-10T00:21:00.004-04:00

this is my sweet baby.

i said i would get a kitten.

i did.

i love her.

her name is Peppy, which fits perfectly b/c she is SO energetic.

about 8 weeks old here....being cute and cuddly.

this was taken today, she was lounging as the sun went down. she's about 12 weeks old now.

she likes to wait for me to play with her when i am on my laptop. check those green eyes! j'adore!

exploring my options

2008-06-08T22:13:00.002-04:00

the guy that i was seeing was really incredible when we met.

Paul was warm and full of compliments and just really a breath of fresh air. he understood my jokes and appreciated my wit and dry sense of humor immediately. i didn't have to dumb down our conversations or use 5th grade friendly vocabulary. he told me i was the most amazing woman he had ever met, and he meant it.

we connected on our life experiences, middle kids, unappreciated talents, rough relationships (he was with a girl for 2 years, they were engaged and she broke it off at Christmas), etc. i felt embraced and accepted and, yes, even loved by Paul.

but Paul hit some bumps along the road in the last few months and seems to have gone down in a downward spiral, i think that he is really sinking into depression, and he doesn't seem to have any optimism about his future.

i am probably one of the most patient, and overly optimistic people that you'll ever know. really, i truly truly believe that things will always get better, there will always be a reason to smile, you may have to search for it but there is always a silver lining. always.

even though Paul was really going through a hard spot, i tried to show him the good things, i tried to show him that things would and will get better one day, but really all he responded with was "no they won't, my life sucks, God is punishing me." etc. it was UNBEARABLE.

i found myself carrying our relationship. i found myself calling him only to get voicemail, texting only to get no response, messaging him to get no answer. if and when he did answer he was automatically irritated with me. and even though i adored him in the beginning, he was proving to be a very lousy companion.

so this past Thursday night, i got off of work and called him to see if we could hang out. i got no response. i texted, i got no response. my instincts kicked in and i drove to his work, he wasn't there. so yes, i spent my gas driving all the way to his house to see if he was home. he was.

i didn't go knock on the door. i didn't want to come across as the scary stalkerish type, but i wanted to talk to him and i was going to talk to him one way or another.

so i texted "I'm outside your place, in my car" and i waited.

ten minutes later i got a phone call, it was Paul and he was irritated "You're outside my place right now?"

"Yep."

"Why?"

"Because i wanted to talk to you and you weren't answering your phone."

at this point he has come outside and we're off the phone and his face is reading "you're a crazy person".

that's when i said it was over. i yelled at him, i cried at him, i gave him a hug, i let him hold me, but i pushed him away. he said that he was sorry he couldn't give me what i need or deserve right now, and i told him that i was sorry too. i told him that if the Paul i met 3 months ago ever comes back then he needs to call me, but that i couldn't stay and wait on it.

i said i am a quality woman and that i need something where i feel accepted and loved because i was married to a shitty relationship where i carried it and it was back-breaking and i wised up and got out of it before i was completely broken and that i was NOT going to do that again.

he cried.

he broke down and i saw a glimpse of the original Paul, and he apologized more sincerely than before and he just said "i'm sorry that i can't be the guy you need and that i have hurt you because you are right you're an amazing woman and you deserve better than me. you are the most beautiful and wonderful woman i have ever dated and i was lucky that you ever considered me."

when i asked if he'd lost interest or if i had done something wrong, he said that i had been "perfect" and hadn't done anything that would warrant being treated so shitty. he was right. i mean, i'm a few shades shy of perfect but i did treat him really really well and he was lucky to date me.

i cried practically the whole way home, and cried myself to sleep. but i rested well knowing that i wasn't sticking with something unhealthy because i was scared i won't find something else.

actually, this time, i plan on letting something find me. i will be exploring my options.

what did he do?

2008-06-08T14:03:00.004-04:00

i know from my last two postings you're probably wondering what on earth he must've done to deserve having the word douchebag in such large font.

the truth is, he called me about a week ago, and all he did was be himself.

but being himself is basically the same as being a walking and talking douchebag, at least when it comes to how he interacts with me. i'm sure that during the day, while he's at work, he's pleasant and easily excitable as he tries to sell outdoor gear to the suckers who ask him for outdoor gear advice. but when he calls me and asks me when or if i sent the final divorce papers, he is in eXtreme-douchebag mode.

so he called about a week ago to ask if i had sent the last papers. i informed him that, Yes, i had sent the papers and yes, it took me about 3 weeks to find the time to get them notarized as i signed them, but they had indeed been signed, notarized, copied, and mailed to his lawyer as of 2 thursdays ago.

somehow we managed to have "conversation" for over 30 minutes. he asked about my sisters and my parents and my job and what-not. and fielded only a few of my own similar questions for him. i was sad to hear that he was in car accident over 4 weeks ago and actually had a concussion from it. and when i told him that i was sorry to hear that, his response gave me the vibe of "yeah right, like you give a shit about me, you left me".

when i hung up i had tears, the hot tears of anger and annoyance, in my eyes, and i just wanted to push him off of a cliff. for the millionth time i was reminded the reasons why i am SO thankful that i am no longer in that marriage.

actually.....scratch that Memo.....

2008-06-05T00:08:00.003-04:00

memo: updated 6/5/08

To the Unhusband,

as per our conversation two nights ago, i just wanted to inform you that...

you are not even good enough to be a douchebag.

that is all.

love,
lisa

memo to the unhusband

2008-06-03T22:56:00.004-04:00

memo:

To the Unhusband,

as per our conversation last night, i just wanted to remind you that...

you are a douchebag.

that is all.

love,
lisa

stirring it up

2008-06-01T22:24:00.003-04:00

so, Carla and i went and saw the Sex and the City movie last night even though neither one of us ever really watched the show, and let me just say that i loved it.

i don't want to ruin it for you if you haven't seen it, and believe me, there are really great and hilarious moments in it as well as some heart-aching moments, and i don't want to give them away at all, but the movie really stirred something up inside of me.

during one of the scenes in the middle of the movie i really really felt like i was being crushed. there was a weight on my lungs i wanted to cry out so hard. i looked around and realized it wasn't really a moment where anyone else felt inclined to cry, but here i was with this crushing weight feeling like i was on the verge of sobbing like a baby.

in total, there were about 3 or 4 moments where i had silent tears streaming down my face. i couldn't quite pinpoint the feelings that were emerging except to feel like i had just left Seth all over again. it was the same feeling that i had the first night that we decided to call it quits and i let him have the bed and i tried to sleep on the couch. i just cried and cried. and pulled my knees up to my chest and cried and sobbed. and it was awful. it's a hot crying, the kind of crying that aches every muscle and gives you real bags under your eyes the next day.

as we walked out of the movie i asked Carla if she had cried at all during the movie, and she said that she had felt some pinpricks of tiny tears welling up in one scene, but no, she hadn't cried. and i welled up with tears telling her that i had practically wanted to cry for the second half of the entire movie. it was so bizarre because i had no idea why i was so upset. why this movie had made me feel like i was just getting my stuff packed into my little white car all over again.

really. i don't even know why. i guess there will be little bouts of crying as i relive the agony of ending a marriage, i just really didn't think that the Sex and the City movie would do that to me.

when i got home i cried some more before i went to sleep, but then i was done with it.

--------

in bigger news:

i sent the final papers for the divorce on Thursday.

i think this is cause for celebration......

any ideas?

subconcious

2008-05-23T09:24:00.004-04:00

had a dream last night about getting back together with the un-husband.

i felt really weird when i woke up, like, "there's no way it'd be that easy, and there is no way that it would be good like that"

essentially, the dream consisted of Seth and i reconciling while we walked in the woods, i know there was a lot of laughing, and my left hand had my rings on it again.

still, i felt super weird when i woke up because i was sad that i broke his heart.

have i mentioned?

2008-05-03T12:01:00.001-04:00

i don't think that i have,

but, i probably should mention,

that i have been seeing someone for a little over a month....

and so far,

it has been wonderful and exactly what i need.

i know you have thoughts:

go.

unconstructive

2008-05-02T00:51:00.003-04:00

i think that i need some kind of ADD medicine in order to get things done once i get home.

actually, i think that it would ultimately help me in the workplace as well, even at the restaurant that i currently work at, because of all the multi-tasking that it takes in order to get things done.

it also doesn't help that doing lunch and dinner shifts at the restaurant means that i am dog-tired by the time that i get home and it makes me not want to do anything except eat and nap.

also,
i got a kitten.

she is certifiably insane.

all she wants to do is bite my hands, 24/7.

but she is super cute, and i named her Peppy. she makes me happy, she sleeps on my pillow next to my head and purrs whenever i move, that is her one redeeming quality. that, and the sheer fact that having her means that Seth can't say BOO about it because he had me resigned to the fact that i would never have a kitten or a cat because he was allergic.

sneeze on this Peppy, Seth! take some damn claritin and shut up!

:)

fired

2008-04-29T13:42:00.002-04:00

yep.

i hated the job, and i knew it wouldn't be long before i needed to find another line of work in order to actually look forward to going to work everyday, but they pulled the trigger before i was able to find something else.

now i am back at the restaurant for lunch and dinner shifts.

what now?

not down, just out

2008-04-21T19:37:00.004-04:00

it has been a long time since i sat down to write in this blog, a lot of things have happened:

1- Seth officially filed our unmarried papers. He sent them to me in the mail, and regardless of what the movies [Sweet Home Alabama] lead you to believe, there are no little tabs telling you where to sign, and when you leave the initial paperwork up to the un-husband, he will have to remember all the basics about your wedding day and it will only go to show that he did not do any of the planning otherwise he would have gotten the church's address right AND the county of the marriage license right too. i had to fix these errors, FLAG them and initial them and talk to him about how he "oops" it up.

2-as i signed those papers, those glorious papers, i made copies for my own files and i was in my cubicle at work, thinking to myself, "Wow. That makes it official." and usually at my desk i listen to Pandora Radio and i keep it on upbeat music or folksy stuff, stuff that i can listen to while not losing my focus. But this day, i had turned it off for some reason and the music from my neighbor's cubicle was floating over. and it was no coincidence that this is what i heard:

it was monumental. i felt like it was the perfect music for the mood that i was in, and my neighbor from whose cubicle it was emanating, had been a music major in college and told me that the name of the song was Carmina Burana. so, i Googled it and got a translation:

O Fortune,
like the moon
with its changing phases,
you are ever growing
and waning;
hateful life
first oppresses
and then soothes
as fancy takes it;
Poverty
and power
it melts them like ice.

Fate - monstrous
and empty,
you whirling wheel,
you are malevolent,
well-being is vain
and always fades to nothing.
Shadowed
and veiled
you plague me too;
now through the game
I bring my bare back
to your villainy.

When health
and virtue
are against me,
are only pain
and exhaustion,
forever in this vale of tears.
So at this hour
without delay
pluck the vibrating strings;
since Fate
strikes down the string man,
everyone weep with me!

and when i read those words, i reflected on my marriage and i felt the feelings of worthlessness and unloveability flood over me and i folded those official papers and i shoved them into the envelope with Seth's lawyer's name on it and i stuck a stamp on it and dropped it into the mail.

not anymore.

one step closer, one official step closer to being officially unmarried.

not looking forward

2008-04-11T16:04:00.003-04:00

i am not really looking forward to visiting my dad and/or the prospect of him asking me if he can bring her along.

no dad, i don't want to include her in my visit with you. it isn't okay with me if she comes along, because honestly even if she wasn't the entire reason for you and mom getting a divorce, there is no part of me that will embrace her as your new love interest, no matter how happy she makes you.

i wish i were a "bigger" person, but right now, i just can't stand the thought of you being with her. i'd be fine if you were single and living alone, which is what i usually envision when i talk to you, but no, you're with her. you've been with her since you were still with mom. her kids see you more than i do and somehow i am supposed to be like "hey, glad you helped break up my parents marriage, but i sure am glad you make my dad happy."

boo.

i need shoes

2008-04-08T17:37:00.002-04:00

i need new shoes.

seriously, i have only one pair of shoes that are appropriate for dressing up for work. i think i wear them 3/5 days a week.

on fridays i can wear whatever i want b/c it's casual friday, but i need new shoes that are closed toes and medium height heels, but it seems whenever i go to the store i can't find a single pair that don't look like they were:

a) made for a 13 year old or
b) made for a prostitute or
c) made for a 13 year old prostitute?!

anyway......

maybe i should do some online window shopping so that i don't have to waste my time driving to the store to see what they have. yes. online window shopping it is.

now i have my new side-goal for life in the cubicle tomorrow. SHOES!

:)

whirlwind

2008-04-04T19:59:00.004-04:00

my life since i started my full-time job has definitely been a BIG change, and honestly, i'm not sure how i feel about it.

gotta be honest:

i don't like sitting all day.
i don't like sitting in a cubicle all day.
i don't like sitting in a cubicle all day talking to people on the phone.
i don't like sitting in a cubicle all day talking to people on the phone without talking to hardly anyone else in person.

sucks.

what's worse is that my cube is so far deep into the room that, if i didn't have to ask my co-workers' any questions about the procedures i wouldn't know what the weather was like outside.

it's a little depressing.

also,
i don't have time to blog or read blogs.

and it makes me sad.

:(

also. i missed one day of work, i missed 30 minutes of work another day, and according to the employee handbook, if i am late or miss work one more time until April 1 2009 TWO-THOUSAND-NINE, i can be terminated.

awesome.

i've not even been there a month, and i'm on my "final warning". Shit.

delivered.

2008-03-24T22:04:00.003-04:00

the postman delivered my unmarried-ment papers today.

carla got the mail.

i was gone from 7:30am to 9:00pm.

when i got home, she says "your mail is on your bed".

i walk into my room.

i see a package from a friend who lives in Georgia. she knitted me a hat, i've been expecting it.

last thursday Seth called me while i was at work. i answered it.

he said the unmarried papers were on their way and that i need to sign them and mail them back as soon as i can, so we can "get this show on the road".

they were on the bed, under the hat package.

it was weird tearing open the envelope and reading the lawyer-speak.

Wright vs. Wright.

"No children."

"Mrs. Wright is not pregnant."

"There is no property to be disputed."

"Mrs. Wright wishes to return to her maiden name: _______"

etc.

it was just weird to have this "court"-like language describing the dissolution of our marriage.

the only highlight was that i wore my cute new hat while i read over the papers.

now i guess i just have to make copies for my own files, sign them, and send them back.

what a heavy way to start the week.

----scratch that----

2008-03-19T22:08:00.002-04:00

Carla is back in the ER tonight.

she may be in surgery by morning, she might lose one or both of her ovaries.

my prayers are that she doesn't lose either!

pray for carla!

ovarian cysts and lack of sleep=exhausted

2008-03-19T16:30:00.002-04:00

after a few weeks of being in on-again/off-again agony, Carla went to the Emergency Room yesterday, i joined her after i got off from work, and it turns out, she was in excruciating pain because she has 2 large ovarian cysts.

crazy huh? yeah. the weirdest part is that even though they said that they'll have to operate in order to help them go away, they discharged her last night (Tuesday) and told her to come back on Friday for the operation. her question, and mine too, was mainly, what did they expect her to do all day Wednesday and Thursday?

she is literally in constant pain, and the pain medicine doesn't really cut it, and she can't really sleep or lay down.

it's crazy, and we don't know how serious it is yet, but nonetheless it's scary. scary scary scary.

on top of that, my new job has been overwhelming, but in a good way.

there is an upside and a downside to the new job:

-upside-
money, feeling more secure, less time to sit and dwell on my unmarried-ness.

-downside-
not a morning person, people at work are nice but no one talks to one another, add in the waitressing job on the side and i'm super tired.

the biggest downside is that i don't have time to blog.......

fish on a bicycle

2008-03-15T13:52:00.005-04:00

This Fish Needs a Bicycle

if you haven't heard of her already, then i think you should check her out. all i know is that her name is Heather and she lives in Texas. She is single and while she embraces it, she is also very candid about what being single really means to a girl in today's world.

i bookmarked her blog a long time ago, i read it from time to time.

the entry that she posted yesterday made my heart stop. i think we have all been there in one way or another. i'm going to link to her blog and i am going to include her post in it's entirety.

i don't think about you (and other lies i tell myself)

It wasn't you that I saw, standing tall and rail-straight, just on the other side of the jewelry counter. But it didn't matter; it may as well have been, with the way I felt the room lurch and spin. I dug my nails under the polished metal rim of the counter and ducked my head, not wanting to make eye contact with you. My fingertips left steamy smears on the cold, clean glass.

I pretended to care about tacky heart-shaped pendants, knowing I should look up, say hello and feign that I wasn't all at once stumbling drunk with missing you. I thought about what it might do to me to hug you. I remembered how, if there was anything unsatisfying about touching you, it was that you never left your scent behind. You didn't stay on my clothes or my sofa cushions - the only evidence you'd ever been at home with me, an emptied wine glass next to my own.

I swallowed your memory, pushing it down into my uneasy stomach and finally looked up. But like I said, it wasn't you. Too old, too wide about the shoulders, too not you. So I rang for the sales clerk, finished my business and drove home slowly, feeling suddenly lonesome and a little hungover.

-----------------
do share what you think...

running til you fall down

2008-03-11T23:27:00.003-04:00

i have goals for myself, which include running a half marathon sometime in the next year, in addition to training for and running a marathon sometime in the next 3 years.

this being said, i went for a run tonight.

the weather was perfect for a nice early evening run, so i put my hair up, clipped back the hair that would fall down, wore a sports bra, laced up my running shoes, stretched a little inside the house, and finally leapt off of my front step and into my running form.

i was off and running. i had a good pace. i decided to run for at least 15 minutes, and to try and do so without walking.

i went down the street, around the block and when i got back to my starting point, i dared to look at my watch timer:

3:30.

i had only been running for 3 minutes and 30 seconds.

so i circled the same route again, noticing how my pace was slowly declining in speed.

i decided that i would go down a couple of extra streets in my neighborhood in order to make the time pass faster and add in some distance.

i got back to my starting point again, certain that i had just passed the 10 minute mark.

i looked at my watch:

6:30.

how on earth?! what?! okay, keep moving, just run until you feel like it's been 4 more minutes. instead of 15, it's okay if i only did 10. my body was giving me the ole RED FLAG.

i ran some more. i rounded corners, passed people walking their dogs, crossed streets, waved at strangers carrying their groceries inside, and finally, i was back on my street, sure that i'd passed the time and that i had CERTAINLY passed the 10 minute mark and it was now okay for me to go inside and get some water.

as i slowed down to stop, my legs felt extra wobbly, and because i know my body, i knew that if i didn't get inside ASAP i would be likely to cause a scene by passing out in my neighbor's yard.

luckily, my wobbly legs guided me up my front-steps, i successfully opened my front door and got inside just in time to lay face down on the floor of my dining room. i never fully passed out, but i'd say if i hadn't gotten my shoes off and regulated my breathing, i may have just blacked out altogether.

total running time: 12:22. GO ME!

too bad i felt like i was having hot flashes and i was also having flashbacks to the "mile-run" in grade-school......

well, they say baby-steps. i guess 12 minutes compared to a marathon would definitely qualify as baby-steps!

long ass day

2008-03-10T23:56:00.003-04:00

i shouldn't have stayed up as late as i did last night when i knew that i had to get up as early as i did for my first day at work this morning [i was like a kid on Christmas Eve, SO nervous but excited and hoping to hear the magical clicks of reindeer hooves (paychecks) on the roof].

luckily, i made it to work on time, seeing as to the way that i am perpetually late for everything and will find a way to make myself 8 minutes late for a meeting that i got up for over 3 hours beforehand [i piddle around].

i filled out a TON of paperwork and sat with the Human Resources lady for over an hour and a half listening to her explain the mountain of paperwork [insurance, dental, absences, paid time-off, tardiness, disability, etc...]

it was just me and her in a tiny conference room at a big table, looking through the stacks of papers. yawn.

then i had lunch with my boss, which was SO great. Lacy is really a competent and intelligent woman, but luckily her humor is still in tact as well, meaning that when we were at the restaurant [using the Corporate card] she said that she thought the waiter was cute and that he was totally flirting with me! i can tell already that she is a keeper! [Lord please don't let me have to eat my words later!]

then we headed back to the ole workplace and i had to sit through an agonizing session about this specific information system that we use, which while it was helpful, was dreadfully dull and i kept thinking, tomorrow i need to drink coffee, tomorrow coffee is a requirement.

the end of the workday came quickly after that boring computer session, and overall i had a great day at my new job. i love to learn new things, and on top of that, i am PSYCHED to decorate my cubicle. it might sound lame, but really, i'm excited to decorate it.

OH, and when i called the restaurant to tell them i was on my way, they didn't need me after all, which meant that i promptly came home, got in Carla's bed and took a 6-8pm nap.

WHEW!

now i just have to do it all again tomorrow, and the day after that and the day after that........

first day jitters

2008-03-10T07:17:00.003-04:00

i am SO nervous about my first day at my real job!!!!!!

i am sure that there are not going to be dragons or warfare or ninjas hiding under my desk, but i am just nervous about how i'll be dressed [business casual], and if i filled out my paperwork correctly [my last name is going to be changing in less than 2 months AND i filed Single]......

so the butterflies are fluttering a little bit in my stomach this morning, and i also don't know what i'll have to eat this morning or if i have time to eat something. clearly, i found time to blog, but i am not sure if i will make time to eat.......!!!!!!!

anyway,
i am sure i will blog about it first thing when i get home this evening....which is after i go to the restaurant to work a dinner shift............yes, i'm keeping the 2 jobs, at least for a little while, i love the restaurant.

wish me luck!

it's in the freaking mail

2008-03-07T11:07:00.004-05:00

so that he can finally shut up:

it's in the mail as of today Seth,

stop trying to remind me that

"it's kind-of important"

can't you just take a break from patronizing me for ONCE in your life Seth? just once. i cannot believe he still does this from 4 states away.

reason # 29,347

2008-03-03T23:10:00.004-05:00

tonight gave me reason #29,347 that i need to get new glasses once i start my new job (with medical insurance) next week.

if you have a queasy stomach, you should just skip the next paragraph.

i got food poisoning and i had to pull my car over and park it in an empty parking lot. i got out and got in the grass to where no one could see me retching my guts out [sorry for the visual]. well, i go forward a little to ensure that splattering doesn't occur, and my glasses flew off of my face and into my own puke. i had to clean them off while telling myself that grosser things have happened, but i couldn't get over my initial thought of:

totally gross!

the thing is i love my glasses, well, the way that they look on my face anyway. they are very flattering, if i do say so myself. but, the problem is somewhere in the "arms" of the glasses. they don't have any grip, and they aren't curved enough to grab onto my ears if i bend over. thus, they slide off of my face ALL the time. it's very irritating.

reason #21,304 was when i was on an airplane and i was in the plane's bathroom, and i leaned over to get the paper towels and my glasses slid off of my face and almost, ALMOST landed in the swirling blue water that spun in the plane's toilet. thank the LORD i have cat-like reflexes and i caught them as they flew through the air.

this is why i try to wear my contacts 99.9% of the time. my patience with my glasses is just OUT.

thank goodness i have Carla because Carla is an RN and she took care of me all night for the 3 hours that it took for me to feel normalized again. now i'm all better, at least, better enough to write an entry here! :)

sugar-coated

2008-03-02T16:52:00.009-05:00

divorced=unmarried.

i just got off the phone with Seth, who was calling to tell me a few things and to ask me to send our marriage license because he needs it in order to file our papers.

while i knew this call was coming because i was supposed to send it over a week ago [i honestly forgot], i realized it on friday afternoon, that i hadn't sent it yet. i knew he'd be calling anytime to remind me.

he called, and because i knew it was going to be about the marriage license, i beat him to the punch. i said "hey, i've got it in the envelope, ready to drop it in the mail tomorrow. sorry." he's like, "Yeah, I was calling to ask if you had sent it yet, please don't forget to do that. It's kind of important." [me, rolling my eyes, OH REALLY? IS IT IMPORTANT? I'M A MORON.]

small talk:

~he's sick, his throat is very scratchy. i tell him i hope he feels better. "thanks".
~his job is getting better and better, he's been promoted 2 or 3 times since he started there in September.
~my new job starts March 10, that is exciting.
~our dog throws up. [Seth puts the phone down once he's realized the dog is puking, i hear him saying "It's okay buddy, it's okay as the dog is heaving]
~how's your town?
~what travel plans do you have?
~[note:] we didn't discuss the "dating" thing again, thank goodness. still not sure if he avoided it, but since i'm not dating anyone, it's not really all that juicy.
~taxes. i ask if he filed Single or Married, which brings us to the title of my post:

Seth: I filed my taxes a few weeks ago, it was really easy. I filed Single.
me: oh cool, so it didn't give you any problems because you're not technically Single and you're not technically Married. That's the reason i haven't started on mine yet because i don't know how to file.
Seth: Actually, here in Kentucky, they have a special way to file for someone in my situation, it's called Abandoned Spouse.
me: Abandoned Spouse?
Seth: Yeah, that's what they call it.
me: That makes it sound awful, like you were left in the middle of the ocean in a lifeboat without a paddle and thousands of miles from the shore. Or like you're homeless and living in a shack. Abandoned Spouse?
Seth: Well yeah, that's what they call it.
me: Well, that makes me feel weird. i didn't abandon you.
Seth: Well.....I mean, do you want them to sugar-coat it?
me: i didn't abandon you.
Seth: That's what they call it here, that's all I know.
me: ..........Okay.

i quickly wrapped up the phonecall, i told him i hope that him and the dog both would start feeling better too. and when i hung up, i just heard that word echoing in my head: abandoned.

abandoned
abandoned
abandoned
abandoned
abandoned
abandoned
abandoned
abandoned
abandoned

i was just so hurt to hear him imply that i abandoned him. it cut me to my core. i've been struggling with feeling like i am a heartless-bitch. that i just walked away from a marriage that i should've been focusing on more to fix. but then, part of me just realizes that Seth wouldn't miss a single opportunity to take a dig at me. no matter what, whenever you are close to anyone, they know what hurts you the most. i just couldn't contain my tears, and weirdly, i pulled the collar of my t-shirt up over my eyes and let the tears fall straight onto my chest while blocking out the light. and i didn't hold it in, i cried as long as i wanted to. i hate this.

*note*
i didn't mean for this post to sound so morose and melancholy, but i just wanted to write down my raw feelings as a way of therapeutically dealing with my emotions. thank you thank you thank you for your love and support. i am doing fine, i promise, i only cried for about 10 minutes, and honestly, i know i'm just fine, and i still stand by my decision to be unmarried. if anything, Seth just reinforced the fact that he never knew how to deal with me in the first place.

love!

chester

2008-02-29T17:06:00.005-05:00

i'm not sure about what your schoolyard sayings might have included, but here in North Carolina, we had one for pervy old men.

say there were to be a creepy man watching kids playing on a playground. this guy isn't there to pick up his own children, he isn't there to meet anyone, but while you're playing kickball and tagging your friends, he's in his car watching.

we called this guy Chester, Chester Child Molester. if you say it right, it rhymes perfectly, and it's funny.

anyway, it's not really something that many people say during their average day. that is, unless you are me or Carla.

we have adopted the word "Chester" to describe many things in various situations.

example 1:
chester
lisa-"Chester McGee over there won't stop staring at me, even though he's wearing a wedding band. bluh."
carla-"all men are chesters."

example 2:
chesting
lisa-"Where's Nick?"
carla-"He's over at the bar, chesting it up with the bartender. I think he's trying to get her number."

example 3:
chestering
carla-"What are you doing Lisa? are you chestering around the internet?"
lisa-"I hardly consider typing emails and IMs to over 7 different men to be chestering around....okay, yes, i'm chestering around the internet. so sue me."

example 4:
totally chest
carla-"Did you really let that guy grab your ass?"
lisa-"Yes, and it was totally chest. it won't happen again."

example 5:
chestosterone
lisa-"do you see the guy with the huge gold cross necklace, and the backwards hat, and the lazy eye over at the bar? he keeps checking you out...."
carla-"EW. he has too much chestosterone for his own good."

you'd be surprised how often you can actually use the word chester in everyday interactions.

CHESTER WEEKEND CHALLENGE:
notice the chesters all around you, notice the small interactions you have with these chesters, and when given the chance, describe this using the word chester. i promise you that you can find ways to use it all day long, you just have to look for it.

maybe you can come up with your own context to use chester in, if you do, please share!

edna

2008-02-25T15:24:00.002-05:00

today i went to my local Barnes and Noble and bought myself a copy of The Awakening. i read it in college, and i loved it then. but now, rereading the back-cover, i think i'll fall in love with it all over again.

"tells the story of Edna Pontellier, a young wife and mother. While on vacation, Edna meets the son of a Louisiana resort owner, with whom she gradually falls in love. As she pulls away from her husband, Edna begins to develop a sense of herself as a whole person, with unique wants, interests, and desires. Determined to control her own life, she flouts convention by moving out of her husband's house, having an adulterous affair, and becoming an artist."

if Kate Chopin were alive now, and writing The Awakening all over again, i'd be willing to bet that she'd have more of a dilemma as to whether she could just give Edna the divorce or not. who cares about having Edna move into her own house, but still depending on her husband, what about letting Edna be truly free to start over. i'm going to restart this novel today, i honestly cannot wait, if you haven't read it before, i'd recommend it.

up and at 'em

2008-02-24T17:46:00.003-05:00

being sick on Tuesday and Wednesday really threw my week out of whack.

i missed my second interview with the company that i want to be hired with because i was still so sick and feeling pretty gross on Wednesday afternoon. Luckily, we had no problem rescheduling, as the guy who was to conduct my interview had also come down with feeling like a zombie.

by Thursday i was out of bed and functioning enough to work a double-shift at the restaurant in order to make up for lost time and lost money. even though my left ear was and still is a little clogged and hard to hear from, standing up didn't make me feel like a sailor being tossed at sea anymore, so i managed to make it through a very long day.

my second interview was rescheduled for Friday morning at 9:00 am. the bad news was that i was a little late for it because having one clogged ear meant that i semi-slept through my alarm. but i called ahead and assured myself and them that i was not a flake, that i was on my way, and that i would still be getting the job.

i got there at 9:10, and within 3 minutes, Richard, the guy who would be my boss's boss was shaking my hand and telling me that he was so glad to finally meet me and that he hoped i was feeling better.

the interview was a little more formal that my previous interview with Lacy. i felt like i stayed on subject and found the right words to promote how awesome i am. i carried myself with confidence and poise and made sure that my personality was still quite evident as well.

by 10:30 the interview was over and i had to rush to get to my restaurant job for another double-shift. i didn't know how they would contact me at all to tell me how my interview went, and so i didn't look for any phone calls while i worked, i just kept my mind occupied. at 3:00 i was given an hour and a half to go and take some time off, so i came back to the house and checked my 'job application' email.

nothing.

i checked my regular email and still found nothing. but i realized that i had a missed phone call, so i listened to the voicemail and lo and behold it was Lacy. There was no joy in her voice and her message was very vague. "Lisa, this is Lacy. If you would please return my phone call, thank you."

eeek. my heart sank. i dialed her number, then her extension and when she picked up the phone i said, "Hi Lacy, this is Lisa Wright, you needed to speak with me?"

she said, "Hi Lisa, yes I needed to speak with you as Richard and I have discussed your application and have decided to ask if you would like to accept the position."

me: "YES! i would LOVE to accept the position"

she went on to explain that i will be starting on March 10, and a few other things not worth typing out, but ladies and gentlemen, your friend just landed her first real job with real salary and real benefits in a BOOK PUBLISHING setting and i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy that i could just burst!

i GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i thought i had to share, thank you for all of your support and love! :)

un-husband

2008-02-19T23:16:00.002-05:00

if i am going to be un-married by May, then i am going to start referring to Seth, my ex, as my un-husband.

i talked to him tonight over the chat feature on gmail. i prompted it. i knew that he had asked for my mailing address a few weeks ago, and i had avoided giving it to him until now.

i asked a few questions, so did he. i asked how our dog was doing. it broke my heart for him to type "We're having a blast...". i know i couldn't take the dog, he needed the dog, to have someone to come home to. he needed to have something depending on him, otherwise i will be honest, i think he may have considered suicide.

so my un-husband is filing our papers in March, i guess that is only a couple of weeks now.

when the un-married papers go through, he says by May, i guess i will officially be un-married. what will be next?

it's been so hard thinking back over the failure that was my marriage. it's easy to pretend like my un-husband was the Anti-Christ of all husbands. that he was just awful and an ogre that kept me imprisoned like a princess in a tower. but he wasn't. for a long time, lisa and seth was a beautiful thing.

for a long time seth was all smiles, all love, and i was in return, all smiles, all love.

but really, we both made mistakes, some of which we don't speak of at all, others that we openly acknowledge. i am sure that i wasn't the best wife in the whole world. other times, i like to think i was.

being unmarried has been the most overwhelming thing i have ever had to deal with, but i wouldn't trade it for the world.

latin lovers

2008-02-19T16:21:00.000-05:00

i am super-sick today [i have been in bed, all day] and i realized i hadn't shared my Valentines surprisingly good news: i went salsa-dancing on Valentine's night.

i have never been salsa dancing before, not to mention, that i have never felt really all that comfortable dancing at all. as a 5'7" pale white girl, i've always felt like

1-i make dumb faces when i dance
2-i don't know what to do with my hands (like Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights)
3-i feel like when a man dances with me he can see how inexperienced and nervous i am.

well, i met a friend through a website, and yes, that sounds lame, but he's just a friend, and for the sake of my blog, i want to call him the Workaholic. seriously, this guy works all the time. but he also enjoys getting out and going to bars and other social-esque places downtown.

so because i don't really know anyone here in town besides my roommate, i told him that yes, i would go with him to a club downtown on Valentine's night and go salsa dancing with some other girls he knew. i picked him up, and he helped me navigate to the nightclub, and when we got inside the place was packed.

there were tons of guys there, and tons of girls too, but really, there were like groups of guys there. it was a little unnerving at first because i didn't know what i was doing, but at the same time, it was awesome to feel like there were men who had their eye on me. the Workaholic didn't really dance with me, which suited me fine, because although i think that he could be crush-worthy, he doesn't take any relationships seriously and he is too preoccupied with work.

i learned the basics from a really nice guy named Aaron who helped me get them down-pat. after i felt comfortable, some of the girls that had met us there took my hands and drug me out to the dance floor. i tried to let loose, but it was really hard at first. i've never really done the club-scene, never done the bar scene, i don't drink at all, so i can't foresee letting all my inhibitions go.....never done........and then it hit me:

i was like, i'm doing new things now, i'm perfectly capable of being good at things if i give them a shot. so i tried not to think about how tall i was in the heels i was wearing, or how white my arms looked in the air when i had them up during my dancing, and i tried to cut loose and have a good time.

by the time that my friends were tired of dancing to a particularly long song, that lasted for over 10 minutes, i got a bottle of water from behind the bar, and downed half of it, and by the time i was done with it, i'd gotten a tap on my shoulder by a really gorgeous latin guy with gel in his hair and a grin on his face. he asked me if i wanted to dance with him, i nodded.

he took my hand and led me to the dancefloor, with me glancing over my shoulder and all of my friends looking at me with goofy smiles on their faces and 2 thumbs-ups from the Workaholic. i danced with him, his name was Alex, he asked me why i was alone if i was such a beautiful woman. i told him that i had no idea why. and he held me around the waist, twirled me to the music, pulled me close, whispered in my ear, and when the song was over, i gracefully retreated back to my friends, ignoring my pounding heart and the tingles that i had all-over my body. it was amazing to feel wanted again, even if it was just for a song.

McAvoy Double-Feature

2008-02-17T20:28:00.004-05:00

Carla and i treated ourselves last night to a full-price movie ticket at the real movie theater (we're usually big fans of RedBox $1 movie rentals), and we finally saw Atonement.

we have been wanting to see this movie since it hit the theaters in December, but we haven't been able to coordinate a convenient time to see it for over 2 months now. but last night we got to see it and whew, it was incredible.

i don't want to ruin it for you if you haven't seen it, but i do highly recommend it. even if you hate what happens in the story, and seeing Keira Knightley looking so sickeningly thin might make you want to puke or stop eating all-together, James McAvoy is worth watching. he is beautiful.

yum!

and on top of that we watched Becoming Jane in which James McAvoy is the leading man as well. although, his haircut in Becoming Jane was definitely more unflattering than his haircut in Atonement.

if you haven't seen them, i'd recommend them, although Becoming Jane doesn't have near enough kissing scenes. i pretty much live for those, haha.

alright, i'm done acting like a teeny-bopper with a high-school crush.

okay, no i'm not, but it's not like i'm going to start a fan-blog or anything crazy like that...yet. haha.

worst-case scenario

2008-02-16T23:42:00.005-05:00

i ran across this website after reading an article in TIME magazine, :

http://smashingkatie.com

basically, it's a boutique website full of things that are novelties for people who have recently broken up or gotten unmarried. while i think that having the breakup kit or a knife set shaped like my ex would be fun, there is only one thing i think that i'd actually enjoy having from the site:

details:
The authors of the best-selling The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook are back—and they've brought a date. Whatever your own dating nightmares are, take it from the professionals, things can get worse. Just in time for Valentine's Day, here are dozens of scenarios covering every phase of the romantic—or not so romantic—turn of events. Learn how to remove stubborn articles of clothing, slip away from a blind date, and get rid of unsightly stains. Discover the secrets of dealing with a bad kisser and of surviving a meeting with your date's parents. Hands-on, step-by-step illustrated instructions help guide you through these and many more perils d'amor. Tasteful and useful, and with an appendix of great pickup lines, breakup lines, and all-purpose excuses, this is the book you need when you wake up next to someone whose name you can't remember.

anyway, i just thought that it was funny and wanted to share!

:)

have a super weekend!

valentines schmalentines

2008-02-14T00:27:00.002-05:00

as Valentines Day is here, i'd be the first to sign up and say that i am not going to get bogged down by relating this holiday for hearts and lovers and roses and chocolates with love.

there are so many kinds of love in this world, and while romantic love is one of them, there are so many other loves that are worth celebrating.

i try to show the love for all of its many forms in my life:

i have love for blue skies and hawks flying overhead.

i have love for earthworms that have been displaced by rainfall.

i have love for a good song blasting in my car with the windows down.

i have love for hugging an old friend or shaking hands with a new friend.

i have love for an unexpected, unsolicited phone-call from someone.

i have love for warm brownies made my other mother, Deborah.

i have love for everyone in my life, and for those that i haven't yet met.

i have love for my family and my friends.

i have love for myself.

and yes, it is strange to be single on Valentine's Day for the first time in over 6 years, and yes, it is hard to say out loud that i am legally separated and on my way to being unmarried by the time i am 24 years old. but you know, that is the best thing about love.

love is all around us, all the time, in all shapes and sizes. love is perfect in every form. love is what keeps us going when we want to give up and it is what picks us up when we have fallen down.

whether you have a special someone or not on Feb. 14 is not what love is all about.

love is more than that.

love is the tie that binds.

love is connection.

the challenge is to embrace it in all of its forms.

in the bag

2008-02-12T22:04:00.006-05:00

THE INTERVIEW:

the fact that my interview today was my very first interview for a professional, full-time, benefits included j-o-b should have been a factor in my nervousness beforehand, but honestly, i felt really fine.

i got my resume and references together, grabbed some blank paper and a pen, put them in a folder, got in the car and drove the 10 minutes to get there. i parked, checked in with the secretary, and within 5 minutes, i was shaking hands with a very pleasant woman named Lacy.

Lacy is actually the person who would be my boss if i were hired. She asked me about 10 different questions: Why do you want to get into this buisness? What personality traits would make you a good representative for our company? How would you describe our company and our products to someone who hasn't heard of it before? What kind of boss do you work well with? What kind of environment do you see yourself being most productive in?

so i answered her questions, making sure that i was thorough without talking endlessly. i also made sure that i presented myself well, being honest about my strengths and weaknesses. even as i sat there, i thought to myself, i have totally got this job.

i really don't like to be cocky, i don't like to come across as some arrogant jerk who thinks too highly of herself. but sometimes, i just get that feeling. i don't often like to say it out loud because then i may be disappointed if things don't work out and/or i may have to eat my words, etc. but seriously. i think i have this job in the bag.

by the time i left i felt like i had connected with Lacy enough to know that if she could've she would've hired me right on the spot. too bad i have to go back for another interview with Lacy's boss Richard in order to be hired for real.

oh well, that's just another interview i'll ace.

i forgot to mention that this job is in book publishing! my first love! reading! :)

:) today was a great day!

***i've been messing with the layout/colors/everything a little too much for one day, so although i am not totally thrilled with this final result, i think i am going to keep it this way for a while until i can assess it further.

under construction

2008-02-12T09:01:00.001-05:00

i was in desperate need of a 3 column lay-out, but it seems that i lost a few widgets in the meantime....

anyhoo, think of me from 2:45-5:00 EST. i can't imagine that my interview will last that long, but hey, they might just think i am awesome right on the spot and we could go out for dinner! haha! i'm a little delusional.

i will post about the interview later today!

the dreaded question

2008-02-11T18:41:00.001-05:00

before last night i had not spoken with Seth in over 3 weeks. it may have even been a month, but i can't really remember.

anyway. he called last night at about 10pm and even though my friend Anny was over for a little visit, i decided since it had been so long that i should go downstairs and answer it.

we did the usual, catching each other up on what we've been up to: he's been promoted to be a Manager at the store he works at, which is wonderful! and i told him about how Carla has finally moved up to Raleigh and how i have got an interview on Tuesday.

then he asked me a few questions about our un-married-ment such as if i wanted to keep his last name or reinstate my maiden name (i'm going back to my maiden name), and if i was going to be getting a lawyer or not (i'm not) and a few other miscellaneous questions. then came the dreaded question:

are you seeing anyone?

me: "No! Of course not, the only male in my life is my fish."
Seth: "Oh, cool."
me:"Are you?!!!" (i tried to sound "breezy" but i am sure he heard the surprise in my voice)
Seth:"No one girl in particular. I've been trying to make friends in general, so I've been around some groups of people, but nah, not dating anyone."
me: .....
Seth:"Really though, there is one girl I've hung out with alone a couple of times recently, but it's nothing. I haven't even hugged her."
me:"You know, it's cool if you hug her. I hope that you do meet someone new."
Seth:"Well, that's not something I'm trying to do, but she is cool, so we hang out."

and that was really the end of the conversation. i went back upstairs and promptly spilled my guts to Anny and Carla both about the conversation.

i hadn't really even considered the fact that i could actually date again. i mean, i know that i am not officially un-married yet, but it hadn't really occurred to me that i could date again. i mean, i have been meeting people, all men, but only to make friends. Valentine's Day is this week and i am actually looking forward to it.

i'm rejoicing that i am single. i know that i don't need to be getting serious with anyone until i am fully healed from the damage that i endured from my marriage. but my thoughts were more of "Why is Seth dating again?" doesn't he know that it isn't the best idea to date again while we are both so vulnerable?

roomie love

2008-02-10T00:09:00.001-05:00

i am no longer living alone in my new city.

Carla has officially moved in and now resides in the room across the hall.

it is SO good to have a reason to stop talking to strangers via personal ads on the net. it is also good because she is pretty much the only person who knows how i've really been doing since the end of my marriage.

Carla and i are in need of a new fun word to describe our townhouse. when Carla used to live with my older sister Melodie, they called their place Graceland because of the huge fireplace that dominated the living room. whenever we come up with the name, i'll be sure to let you know. any ideas?

and now, let the good vibes roomie times begin! :)

******************************************************

also:

exactly how i've been feeling recently about why i went to college:

greenlight!

2008-02-08T23:12:00.000-05:00

breakthrough!

ladies and gentlemen,

from Maryland, to Ohio, to South Dakota and California, let it be known that today, i landed my first job interview.

and it shall be on Tuesday February 12 at 3:00 pm.

and it shall be good.

----------

YAY! i am so excited. i know it is just my first interview and that i shouldn't let my hopes get too high because the odds of landing a job from my first interview are really not in my favor, but i am still very excited nonetheless! :)

i am mainly excited because it is the job that i had been contacting since the first week of January and i even went in to meet with the Human Resources lady and then i got no word for 2 weeks. i had been beating myself up, and rethinking my resume and asking myself if i had been too aggressive, and on and on, and then today, at 7:45am, i was sent an email saying that they were so sorry they hadn't contacted me sooner because they had been under a hiring freeze. but now they have the greenlight, so they want me to come in on Tuesday!

i totally did a happy dance in my room alone this morning!

and in the car.

and on the phone.

and again in my room.

of course, there will be updates! :)

serving

2008-02-06T22:54:00.001-05:00

so, basically, i can't land an interview to save my life.

i found a really nice upscale, relaxed atmosphere restaurant that is less than 5 miles from my place that needed lunchtime servers.

i started today and it went well.

i never thought i'd be "waiting" but hey, it pays more than sitting at home on my bed with my laptop scouring the net trying to find more jobs to apply for.

i guess this will do for in the meantime. :) did i also mention that most of the people who come in are young, educated, single professional men? that doesn't hurt a single bit!

the wedding, tidbits, part II

2008-02-04T23:05:00.000-05:00

almost 2 weeks ago i promised to write more about the wedding, so i wanted to make sure that i wrote some things down before i forget them all.

let's see:

awkward moments:
it seems like the wedding weekend was full of these, being that nearly all of the bride's side had to drive down and stay in the only hotel in the area. and the hotel had promised each room at $60 a night but when the guests starting arriving, was actually charging $70 a night...so that caused some tension especially when the brides' Godmother accidentally let it slip that "the place wasn't even that nice" in front of the bride...

heartfelt toasts:
i thought i'd share the toast that i wrote for Jeannie and Charles, here it is:
Having known Jeannie since we sat beside each other in our 7th grade typing class, our friendship has proven to stand the test of time.

We were there through the ups: proms, road trips, first dates, graduations. and the downs: heartbreaks, car accidents, stress and exams. and through it all, i saw something that i admired in my friend Jeannie, i saw strength, loyalty and courage to face life's challenges.

and even if i am only one day older, i felt like many times that Jeannie was like an older sister to me, helping me as i helped her.

And so, i stand here on Jeannie and Chuck's wedding day, Jeannie looking radiant, and Charles looking like he just won the lottery, and i say "To the happy couple, i wish you the best of luck, abundant love and joy, and most of all, the wisdom to recognize the blessings that God gives you as you walk together down this road called life."

Jeannie, i love you with all of my heart and you know that you are like a sister to me, so Charles, today, you're getting a bonus sister-in-law, me! Cheers to the happy couple!

temper tantrums/mini-meltdowns:

i can sum this up by saying only a few things,
1-the bride didn't want any help getting into her dress until she realize that it is hard to get into a dress all alone,
2-we were running 35 minutes late for pictures (the wedding went on time, but the pictures were a little cramped for time),
3-as i tried to help her get the back of her dress laced up, i pinched her skin (unknowingly) into the dress and it really really hurt her before i realized it and let it go,
4-being thoroughly pinched made her a little wound up and she wanted me to let the thing go for a second so she could breathe, but when her mom stepped in and tried to help, she got really mad and was like
"just take the dress off!!!",

5-her mother says to this: "Jeannie, you don't have to be such a bitch",
6-Jeannie flies out of the room, down the back hallway and into the tiny bathroom and locks the door behind her,
7-i follow close behind,
8-Jeannie's mom follows behind me, her grandmother behind her, and her sister behind her grandmother,
9-gay makeup guy and hair-do lady stand in the living room looking wild-eyed,
10-as we crowd around the bathroom door, Jeannie says for everyone to GO AWAY,
11-i calmly tell her that we have to continue lacing her up if we are going to be on time,
12-the door cracks open, you can tell she's crying, she says "ONLY YOU" and reaches out and grabs my hands and yanks me into the tiny bathroom,
13-i hug her and tell her that it is alright and that everything is going just fine,
14-she tells me she loves me and that she is so glad i am there for her,
15-the dress gets on, it looks great, we touch up the makeup, the wedding is on!

as i stood there, hearing Jeannie's mother actually call her daughter a bitch in such a matter-of-fact way on her wedding day, i just thought, thank GOD she is not my mother.

inappropriate gestures:
apparently one of Charles' uncles is totally drunk 100% of the time, so being at a wedding only coincided with his affinity for drunkenness, which meant that while we were out boogie-ing on the dance floor, this RED-faced, totally drunk OLD uncle walks out on the dance floor and stands behind Jeannie and does the thing where it looks like you're doggy-styling someone. totally unnecessary and totally gross!

European kiss-kissing with a beautiful Portuguese man:
Jeannie is Portuguese, and Jeannie has family that is Portuguese, and these family members include one such fine young gentleman who, upon his departure, grabbed my face and gave me 2 European style kisses on the cheeks. seeing as to how this was the first time a man besides Seth or my Dad had touched my face in months, i promptly melted into a puddle on the floor.

dancing until my feet cramped:
i danced like it was going out of style. i did them all: the Cha Cha Slide, The Charleston, The Electric Slide, and yes, even the YMCA. Why? because at my own wedding i was semi-disappointed when no one danced, and because i was in the wedding, wearing a special green dress (awful alterations and all), i got my butt out there and made some memories!

and my feet definitely cramped up and my toes felt like they were stuck together for a large portion of the 8 hour car ride home. :)

fighting it

2008-02-03T18:46:00.001-05:00

are you watching the superbowl?

for the first time in a long time, i'm not watching it.

i didn't have anyone to watch it with, no one invited me over, and the tv here doesn't pick up the right stations.

i'm fighting those "poor me" feelings, and trying to do other things to keep myself occupied. i mean, there are worse things than not being able to watch the game, and i don't really give a flip about football anyway, i just like the commercials and being able to say that i saw "the really funny one with the ______" the next day.

does anyone feel like painting?

me! me!

enjoy the highlights of the pick-me-up part 1

2008-02-02T20:39:00.000-05:00

here are some of the best parts of the best responses that i got for my ad, you should really take the time to read them all, it was redemption:

Hey there,
First and foremost I am sorry about the way he treated you, I am almost positive you deserved better anyways. You sound very beautiful and I would be honored to take you for a long walk on a moonlit beach after picking you up for a candle light dinner and just have some conversation about who we are, where we going and just try to put a smile on that beautiful face of yours. By the way....Cheer-up, you never know what tomorrow might bring.

I too am just out of a very long relationship and your posting caught my eye and interest.
You sound like your looking for something that I want to give. I will hold the door and be romantic.

whats up girl I just got out of a relationship and am not looking for any thing serious just someone fun to have a good time with I'm a little on the wild side and looking for the same. I look good and am a gentlemen at heart and i guarantee i will take care of you.

Would you be open to someone older, gentler and kinder?

I was taught well how to treat someone. Opening the door is just one. Making sure you get inside safe if I dropped you off at your house could count too. No one does that.

I just saw you ad wanted to tell you that YES, there are indeed real, sincere gentlemen out there and I am one of them. I am a year separated now and feel exactly like you do that the EX doesn't know what she had with me (even though she did trade up finacially when she left), and I feel the same sense of loneliness that I would love to get rid of.

Hey there friend. That's the thing about jumping in the deep end - it
takes a while to come up for air when you decide to let go of the
weight that was sinkin' ya. I had an ex who definitely didn't know what
she gave up, but I learned to look at it as this: We were great, and
that's good, but we tend to move up in this world, so the reason we're
not together anymore is because we both deserve someone extraordinary.
You'll get that extraordinary someone. Don't even worry about it

To cheer you up, I'd simply make you laugh just to put a smile on your face in hopes that it would make you forget about the past and think about whats now.

I am truely one of the last of the good guys and out of a lousy relationship. Looking for a great person with a lot to offer, as I do and willing to give.

I would love to have a chance at restoring your optimism in relationships and love. I am just out of a bad relationship myself where my romantics were not appreciated.

okay, i think i should stop here b/c i know that is already pretty lengthy.... what did you think? besides the grammar and spelling, they were all so very sweet!

emergency ego boost

2008-02-01T11:58:00.000-05:00

when i was in the fifth grade, my 17 year old cousin Betzi moved in to live with my family for a little over a year. i always looked up to her and thought she was the "COOLEST".

when i was in the eighth grade Betzi got married in Arizona and so my family flew out to stay with her for her wedding weekend. Her apartment was really cool and full of random little things here and there. and on her refrigerator was this little card that she had made.

on the outside it said "Emergency Ego Boost", and it had flames on it and had little things like "for emergency use only" and "call 911!" on it, so of course i lifted the flap and looked inside, and inside there was a heinous picture of Courtney Love and it made me laugh so hard!

whenever Betzi hit a wall, felt bad about herself, etc., she'd go over and lift the flap and say "Whew! at least I'm not Courtney Love!" ha!

so in the spirit of Betzi's emergency ego boost, i did something that made me feel better about everything: about the divorce, about the singleness, about the fact that there might be some decent men left in the world.

i made an ad and posted it anonymously on the "women seeking men" board.

the overall gist of the ad was that i was feeling down and wondering if there were any kind, funny, and romantic men left in the world. it was a challenge, if you will, for whatever "nice guys" finding themselves reading my ad, to click on it and send me a message telling me what they would do to cheer me up.

i posted it at about 10:00 pm, and by the next morning i had over 50 new messages waiting in my inbox.

what a serious pick-me-up. some of the men said that they were feeling the same way, some of them said that they'd make me laugh, some said they'd help me take my mind off of it by taking me out on the town, some men were spam-bots and sent randomly generated messages, some men included pictures (some were hot, some were not!), and some sent truly inspiring messages about how life is full of ups and downs and we've all just got to keep going.

i think i'll try to make a "best of" post with some of the best snippets from the messages, because clearly, there are still men out there, men that know how to treat a woman right. men who know how to warm my heart, even if i am just a stranger.

pick-me-up

2008-01-30T23:24:00.001-05:00

i think i may have found the PERFECT way to make myself feel worthwhile again!

-stay posted-

you're gonna love it.

in the back of my mind

2008-01-30T00:43:00.002-05:00

i am not one to wallow.

i don't like when people dwell on things and/or dig them up only to beat them to death again, but, i have found myself wishing i could just have someone who:

could go investigate scary noises in the middle of the night,

could pop the hood of my car up and tell me why it has started to sound like an old wheezing man,

would hold me close and smell my hair,

call me for no reason except to say that he thinks i'm great,

tells me funny stories because he knows they'll make me laugh,

i guess i'm just feeling lonely for some male attention. and the other thing is, all of those things that i want are things that Seth never did for me, so really, if i ever had these things, i haven't had them or experienced them in over 5 years.

Lord i need a job so that i can stop dwelling on this stuff!!!!

alphonso and teen pregnancy

2008-01-29T00:13:00.001-05:00

i've been somewhat thrown by this whole, "not having a job-therefore- having nothing to do" thing phase that i am experiencing.

i've been staying up too late, sitting on the computer a little TOO long (i.e. ALL DAY LONG), and eating when i shouldn't be eating (i.e. 2:00 in the a.m.)...

but something has got to give, i mean, i have applied for let's count: 12 different jobs.

12 resumes, 12 cover letters (okay, not quite 12 cover letters, those are a beast to turn out), and you'd think that SOMEONE would have called me for an interview. i think that tomorrow i am going to have to turn it out and CALL some of these places to try and follow up their receiving my application/resume/combo.

finding a job is so aggravating.

i spent the better part of my day trying to line up a few babysitting jobs to help out with the bills that are due this week, so at least that much of my day was productive.

and tonight i went with a friend to an intellectual symposium about the negative stereotype given to Arabs in movies and t.v. it was pretty interesting and i especially perked up when they used Aladdin as a prime example of how Hollywood uses the same stereotypes over and over to show Middle-Easterners as barbaric and less than human.

it was a pretty intense discussion, so my friend Anny and i crept out about halfway in and went to catch the 9:10 showing of Juno. on our walk over, we were passing a homeless man when he asked us if we had money. i never ever carry cash, and Anny said that she didn't either, not that we wanted to give him cash, but Anny and i almost passed on by without saying anything to the man, when Anny turned around and went back to him and asked him what the last thing he ate was and when, and he said yesterday morning he had a donut someone gave him.

turns out we were standing outside of a bar that served a basic menu, so she asked him what he wanted and she and i went in and ordered it for him, paid for it, and took it out and served it to him. He said his name was Alphonso and that he was 53 years old. He'd been in the Army when he was younger and had seen Luxembourg and Germany, and he pointed at us and said that the best women were still the American women. before we left i shook his hand and told him to enjoy his cheeseburger and fries before they got cold. Anny shook his hand too, and when we got to the movies, i stopped and realized that we may have been some of the only people to actually touch this man in a long time. and it made me sad for Alphonso.

and Juno, oh oh oh, how i recommend it. last night i fell asleep watching Saved, and tonight, i saw Juno, i think it's funny that i watched 2 movies about pregnant 16 year olds two, nights in a row.

it was wonderful, and when i am fully rested tomorrow, i will write a little more about why i loved it so. as for now, adieu.

something i like

2008-01-27T11:16:00.002-05:00

i ran across this at wish jar and i loved it, so i wanted to share it. it just seemed like a lovely way to notice the things around you.

the wedding, tidbits, part I

2008-01-26T14:29:00.000-05:00

a lot of my posts have been very lengthy here recently, and it's almost been 1 week since the wedding, so i wanted to post the good bits before they slip away into non-remembrance.

gay makeup guy:
on the morning of the wedding, we got our makeup done by the gayest man i have ever met, Clint, and besides the actual wedding, it was the highlight of my entire day. Clint helped me understand lipstick and foundation and blush (3 things which i am completely alien to-i'm blonde and fair-what color lipstick? - i have problem areas that he told me were simply hormonal and i need to get a sulphur-based spot treatment and they'll clear right up - and blush should never look like you got punched in the face). Clint also complemented me on my figure, my long luxurious neck, my eye color, my legs, it was like God sent him just to give me a little boost that day.

the best thing that Clint said to me while he did my make up, was after i had briefly told him about my current state of becoming un-married, he said
"Well honey, your husband really did lose a beauty."

of course, he says this while he is applying white eye-liner to my lower lid to make my eyes look more open, and of course, i teared up (have i mentioned i am a crier?)

and he says
"Oh no, honey, I didn't mean to make you cry." and i said "No, i'm crying because you're right, and honestly, my husband never knew he had one."

and it was just a really sweet moment, to hear that someone thought i was beautiful and that Seth had really lost something big when he let me go. and even more sweet, was that Clint grabbed a tissue and dabbed my eyes for me and immediately helped me find something better to talk about.

needless to say, Clint gave me the means to look beautiful that day in more ways than makeup.

minimizing.

2008-01-25T00:37:00.000-05:00

over the years, being a pack-rat and a clutter-bug as well as a hoarder who is unable to let things go or pass up free things given, i have accumulated what can only be described as a shitload of stuff.

the worst part is, having moved let's count: 6 times since May 2006, and trying to purge stuff along the way, [including my husband!] i still have a lot of shtuff....

so upon moving into the new townhouse in Raleigh, i was excited that my roommate wouldn't be up to move in for a couple of weeks because that meant that i could use her room to be a sorting area. it would be my ground zero, if you will.

here are pictures of ground zero at it's worst:

and because she is going to come up and paint her room, i needed to clear it out, so, i took pictures of the progress:

please note the BIG bag of Trash.

this big box beside the big bag is one of the boxes i have filled with things to give to Goodwill.

the two boxes on the left are boxes that i emptied all-together, and the box on the right is going to Goodwill!

yay! empty!

here's the most mindboggling thing that i have found out about myself through this purge/sort chaos,

i have a serious pen problem.

seriously, the blue box is the box of markers and pens and other things to scribble with that i already knew i had.

the red box are the pens and markers and scribbly things that i found DURING the process of the purge/sort chaos.

at least i consolidated them, but now, i think that i should really really punch myself in the throat the next time i walk down the pen aisle, just to make sure i start associating buying new pens with severe pain.

next task:
figuring out what to do with all the papers i've hoarded over the years.

i think i might be better off paying someone to throw it all away for me, to just start from scratch.

turning it out.

2008-01-24T11:35:00.000-05:00

today alone i have sent in 2 resume and cover letter combos to 2 different job postings that i came across.

yesterday i applied for 3 different positions, and last week i sent my resume to 2 different places. AND yesterday i also broke down and made a nanny-ad on a posting board, just in case i am really out of options by the time the bills hit in early January. i say this only because i really do not want to use my college degree to be a mother to someone else's kids, but hey, it may be an exhausting job but it pays the bills.

it's strange to be unemployed. i literally have nothing to do all day, except unpack (which, by the way, is hell on earth b/c i own way too much stuff) and eat. and since my roommate is not up here yet i've been all alone. the only people i have actually spoken to in person were the people who checked me out in the line at PetSmart (i got a new fish to replace the one that died) and the lady named Paulette at Lowes Foods.

so. the job hunt has been on since November, and i still haven't received any call-backs. but i am not discouraged, i mean, who wouldn't hire me?! i am going to get an interview by Friday. i have faith.

okay, back to unpacking. maybe i'll go for a walk too, i haven't been outside yet today....omg, i just realized i'm living like a hermit (cell phone chats do not count).

send some good vibes for my job hunt!

the wedding, dress alterations

2008-01-24T00:15:00.000-05:00

because i think that i could honestly write a movie based on all of the events that happened this weekend at the wedding, i feel like it would do us all a bit of good for me to try and break it down into smaller, easily digestible fragments, rather than create a long wordy post with boring details about every little event.

so we'll start with.................

the dress alterations:
well, when we finally met up it was oh about, 4:45 in the MORNING and i did not want to risk either scenario, A: blow up or B:melt down at such an ungodly hour, so i bunched up the plastic sleeve that the dress was in, and packed it in with the rest of the stuff we took with us to FL.

fast forward through the achingly boring, fitful sleep filled 8 hour car-ride from Charlotte to Orlando. you know, the kind of sleep you can only get in the back of a car. lean this way, your neck hurts. lean this way, your legs/feet/lower extremities fall asleep.

we get to our destination, i unpack the dress and quickly sweep it into my room, and shut the closet door.

i don't have the room to myself, and in fact, Jeannie's only other bridesmaid (actually the Maid of Honor) is her younger sister, Beth. and because Beth was out at Epcot with some of the wedding guests, i took this opportunity to look at Beth's dress in a side-by-side comparison with mine.

Beth's dress: has a perfect hem line, done on a real sewing machine, and is completely even.

mine: i believe my exact thought was "OH SHIT."

comparatively, my hem line was a little off, the fact that it was HAND-SEWN by ME was very evident, and to top it off, my mom had used an adhesive to try and make a fake hem-line, and even though it looked awful within the first few inches, she did it the ENTIRE way around. i found this mind-boggling as i looked at my dress and looked at Beth's dress. WHY WOULD MY MOM KEEP IRONING ON THIS PERMANENT ADHESIVE THE ENTIRE WAY AROUND THE DRESS IF SHE WAS SEEING HOW IT WAS CONSISTENTLY SHITTY? also, my mom had hemmed the dress' liner to the length of the adhesive, but now the dress was shorter and so the liner needed to be taken up.

so.

i had to start being honest, but not necessarily with Jeannie.

so when she got there, i told Beth. i said "Beth, i know you know how your sister is and if she knew what i am about to do, she'd probably hang me up by my fingernails and i wouldn't be in her wedding anymore because i'd be dead, so i'm going to need you to help me cover my ass and i've got to do some work to my dress. my mom and i have both botched it up pretty good, but if you'll help me make sure your sister does NOT come into this room, i will buy you a gift card or take you to dinner whenever i get a job back in NC."

Beth: it's cool. I got your back.

did i mention that Beth is 18 and may or may not be a recreational stoner?

so, i broke out the ole needle and thread, turned the dress inside out, and trimmed the broke-looking adhesive hem, crappily sewed the liner to a new length, and when i turned it back to the rightside out, i put it on and Beth helped me survey the damage.

1-i caught a piece of the ACTUAL dress when i was snipping away at the old hem with the adhesive on it. there was a somewhat noticeable tear in the fabric near the hemline. CRAP!

2-there were several places where the liner was still hanging lower than the dress.

3-there were noticeable strings hanging down from the hemline.

4-CRAP.

Beth totally saved the day and helped me fix the liner with the dress still on my body and listened to me bubble out excuses about how i am not a professional seamstress and how hell would have to freeze over before i let my mom touch something else i need altered ever again. and how THIS is why you pay $40 to have someone else do the work for you.

there were a few panic moments wherein Jeannie knocked on the door and asked what we were doing, but Beth was a total champ and said "We're writing our toasts, go away!" whew.

and while i kept envisioning Sunday morning to be a catastrophe along the lines of:

hair and makeup done, time to put on the dresses. Beth gets dressed, then i get dressed, as we are standing next to one another, the gay guy who is doing our makeup, the mean woman who is doing our hair, and Jeannie's mother and grandmother crowd around me and point at my hemline gasping "WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOUR DRESS? WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US SOONER?"

instead, Sunday morning turned out to go like this:

hair and makeup done, time to put on the dresses. i get dressed, Beth gets dressed, and when i walk out everyone (all of the aforementioned folks) says "YOU LOOK AWESOME!" i think the gay guy even snapped his fingers! "What a great color and cute dress that is! You can wear that again on a cruise!" HA!

luckily, by the end of the night, after dancing and prancing and doing the whole wedding shebang, the dress was not in tatters, none of the seams i sewed had fallen out, and the safety pins holding the liner up were completely unnoticeable.

when we got home and undressed, i said to Beth, "would you believe that not one person said a thing about my dress?! i think i gave myself an ulcer worrying about it and no one even NOTICED! maybe i should be a seamstress!"

then i snapped out of it and realized i must have been delusional.

pictures, for your enjoyment, and if you are a seamstress, your disappointment with my craftsmanship:

this is just a glimpse of what i call the "small scale puckering" that occurred when i hand stitched the hem.

an upskirt shot. ha!

this is what the LINER looked like when i was DONE with it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! haha!

please note, 3 safety pins, and a whole lot of messy seams.

can you believe that NO ONE said anything?!

tagged

2008-01-23T14:29:00.001-05:00

i got tagged by Two Date Diva and Princess B to reveal a bit more about myself so while i am still gathering my thoughts about the wedding weekend, i thought i'd go ahead and reveal more about myself.

The rules for this particular game:
-Link to the person who tagged you.
-Post the rules on your blog.
-Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
-Tag at least 3 people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
-Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. i stopped capitalizing my name when i was in the 10 grade, i never capitalize it. ever. this also carried into un-capitalizing "I" when i write about myself. i did it to be humble, now i do it because i don't like the way capital letters loom over the other letters, like they're Godzilla or something.

2. i bought a new Betta fish last week, picked out the prettiest one, because i wanted to get a new one for the new townhome, left for the wedding weekend, Lancelot was dead. me=worst fish Mom ever.

3. i hate bread. i will only eat bread when it is proportionately balanced with other things: a sandwich is okay as long as there is enough meat/lettuce/condiments to take away from the breadiness of the bread. i do not enjoy rolls, biscuits, cornbread, toast, and even, dare i say, cake. sometimes cake can be too bready.

4. someone told me that i look like Anne Frank with blonde hair when i was in the 8th grade, i have never forgotten it. and honestly, i can see it.

5. this is listed on the sidebar, but i really do have a baby tooth that will never fall out. it's my upper-right canine-tooth. there is no permanent tooth there to push it out, so i have a little souvenir from my childhood with me all the time. that is, until i get some damn-good dental insurance so that i can get some porcelain veneers.

6. all the names on this blog have been changed for my own peace-of-mind. i came up with Lisa because i love to watch the Simpsons, and Seth because it was the name of the boy i used to like when i was in 5th grade. i hope that this doesn't mean you won't read my blog anymore, but i had to change all the names so that i could write freely and without feeling like i had to hold-back. no one i actually know has been given the link to my "secret" blog, except Carla. she reads it.

i'm tagging:

no one for now.

i have to think about who hasn't been tagged, and who i want to tag!

i promise

2008-01-23T00:45:00.001-05:00

i promise the wedding recap will happen soon.

honestly, i am still recouping.

night!

back in black

2008-01-21T22:25:00.000-05:00

okay, i'm not wearing black, but i am back.

back from a whirlwind weekend in Florida.

will post about the wedding asap.

rest assured, this weekend was full of:
awkward moments, one hilarious gay make-up artist guy, heartfelt toasts, temper tantrums, dress-alterations, mini-meltdowns, inappropriate gestures, European kiss-kissing with a beautiful Portugese man, and dancing until my feet cramped.

but for now,

i must sleep.

why on earth.....

2008-01-18T02:02:00.000-05:00

why on earth am i awake at 2 am?

let's see:

about the time i was deciding whether the timing was right to leave Seth (and i found that there is no right timing) was the same time that my friend Jeannie picked out the dresses for her wedding.

it should be noted that the Maid of Honor is her younger sister, and that there is only one other bridesmaid: me.

she picked out your basic satin-luscious pearly green color and got it in a halter top style from David's Bridal. we* decided that the length was weird and that we would get it hemmed to just below the kneecap.

*we=Bridezilla.

and like clockwork, every week since NOVEMBER 1 i have gotten at least one email that says "hey, have you gotten your dress altered yet? the wedding is only ____ weeks away and we* need to make sure it's done and ready for the wedding by January 18."

EVERY WEEK.

and me, being in the middle of a major-life-change and almost completely BROKE, i turned to my mother about 3 weeks into December and i ask her if she could alter the dress for me. she said she could. so i didn't worry about it.

my mom sews for a living, but sews cushions and pillows for furniture, not dresses. but when i did get married she altered my dress and a few million other times, she's come through for me on the alterations so that i don't have to pay and i don't have to bother with seamstresses.

fast forward to a week ago, i tried on the dress, Mom looks at it and says "yeah, easy as pie".

fast forward to Monday, four days ago. i ask Mom if she will please get started on the dress because i was going to be moving on Tuesday and back on Thursday and then on the road by Friday morning so really, the dress needed to be done by Thursday.

i got home tonight around 9:30.

i ask Mom what the dress looks like, and she looked at me like Bashful the Dwarf, but maybe a little more like Ashamed the Dwarf (if there were one), and says "I tried my best."

i surveyed the dress and pronounced the fact that if Jeannie were to see this dress she would say that it looked shitty and that i should've gotten it professionally done and now i have officially ruined her wedding.

this did not go over well for my Mom, and while i didn't mean to hurt her feelings, she has also really put me in a bind. the wedding is Sunday, it is basically FRIDAY. so....i wish she would've called me earlier and told me that she didn't think she was qualified to finish hemming the dress, so that i could've possibly arranged to find an alterations seamstress in Florida before i actually get there.

so then i just decided to bite the bullet and deal with Bridezilla first thing when i see her at 4:45 AM, and i was just going to say "i'm sorry, there are no excuses, this will not be a big deal, i can find someone to do the work." and i tried to fall asleep so that i could get some rest before driving to Florida in the morning, but then, as i lay there, i imagined a variety of scenarios snowballing from this revelation in the morning:

scenario 1: Crying

she bursts into tears because she has asked me repeatedly how the alterations were coming along and i lied to her the entire time, saying "everything's great, the dress looks great!" she looks at me and says "NOW WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!!!! BAAAHHHHHHHHHWAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

scenario 2: Silent Treatment

this is probably the more realistic scenario as she is prone to pouting and blocking people out until she suddenly snaps back into being a normal person. this presents a horrific car-ride situation for the 7 hour trip to Florida, am i wrong?

and then there's the worst scenario [and least likely to happen]

scenario 3: Bitch Fight

this then presented the imagined scenario of an honest conversation ending in a fight where she says "You ruined my wedding" and i say "You know, there is a REASON why you only have 1 bridesmaid! it is WORK being your friend!" then of course, i am no longer invited to the wedding and stranded in Florida with no ride home.

so, because i couldn't sleep knowing that the dress was hanging in here looking shitty, i got up, tried a few different sewing techniques and fixed the dress by hand.

when i say fixed i mean i did whatever i thought would look the least shitty. clearly, it no longer looks new from David's Bridal and YES it does look a little shitty, but i am proud of it, and hopefully, she won't even care/notice (although something tells me she will). but here's my gameplan: play it cool, act like it looks AWESOME, and if she says anything more than once, then i will ask her if she really wants me to get another seamstress to look at it. this way, i make it her choice and not mine.

now, maybe i can get an hour and a half of sleep before i have to get up to get in a car and ride to FL with Bridezilla and her man.

g'night!

not to be mean

2008-01-17T12:00:00.000-05:00

but this is just one, tiny, insignificant example of why i am glad i was no longer trying to put on a sham marriage. it is a picture of a friend of mine, who i feel like lives in a bubble, and her poor poor husband must have had his manlihood handed over to her when they met in high school. seriously, this guy has no balls (or at least, it is not evident that he does!).

i have tried my best to conceal their identities, but please, just take the time to let this picture soak in.

they have 2 cats and 2 dogs.

there are large, Christmas bows on ALL of the pets.

the pets just want to get the picture over with.

my question is, who took this picture? i don't know, i just don't get it. as i have known this couple for over 4 years now [they've been married for 2 years], i never really felt like they actually knew each other.

anyway. just thought i would share.

maybe i'm having a cynical day because i haven't heard ANYTHING out of ANY of the jobs i have applied for. and now i am out sitting on a limb, all alone, trying to figure out what's next.

OH,
and tonight i have to drive home and get a little sleep before i have to get up at 4 am to get in a car with my friend Jeanne and DRIVE to Florida for her wedding on Sunday.

did i mention that i am her only bridesmaid? did i mention that she has been a TOTAL BRIDEZILLA since the day she got engaged in August?!! did i also mention that i entrusted the hemming of my dress to my mother and thus far, she has done a really shitty job of it..........and now there is no time left to go get professional alterations done.....so.....i'm hoping my mother got my crafty grandmother to help with it. i really don't want to have to wear a dress that looks rough at the hem-line, and i especially don't want to deal with what i know will only be hellfire and brimstone if Jeannie thinks it looks shitty. OH LORD.

so, this weekend, while all of you lovely people are living fun lives full of volleyball classes and date-nights and playing with your beautiful children, i will be traveling in an SUV from North Carolina to Florida, hopefully squeezing in time to blog, read, and ignore the fact that while my marriage may have failed (miserably) i am there to support my friend Jeannie as she starts her own journey into married *bliss*.

i think i am also in charge of writing a toast for the reception (something i have always wanted to do!) here's all that i have come up with so far, especially because i'm in a cynical spell right now:

I could stand up here and go on and on about how long we've known each other and how you have been like a sister to me for so many years, but above all, Jeannie and Charles, i wish for you three things. 1-Best of Luck, 2-Abundant love and joy, and 3-Wisdom to recognize God's blessings in your life together. CHEERS!

guest blog by Carla

2008-01-16T18:31:00.001-05:00

today's post was not written by me, although, i feel like had i not gotten married, i could very well have written it myself. today's blog is written by my nearest and dearest friend, Carla. enjoy.

Sex. Why I don’t have it. Why shouldn’t I have it?
(For my future daughters or sons to read, and whoever else gives a rip about this subject)

I’m 26 years old. I’m still a virgin. What is wrong with this picture? According to all my nursing classes, we make a very big deal about this man named “Maslow” that came up with this hierarchy of needs that is necessary for all humans. The bottom of the pyramid, the part that has to be met before any other area can be, includes Shelter, Food, Safety, and SEX! All of which I participate in except for one… SEX. Well if it’s true, that sex is part of what we need to have to be functional, healthy, and self actualizing… well then I’M SCREWED- not literally of course. Christianity has taught me to wait until I’m married, to save myself for that one person to give it up to on my wedding night. Biblically I’ve only found scripture that says the marriage bed should be kept pure, and stay away from adultery- even in your thoughts… but where does it say, don’t have sex before you’re married?

I had coffee with my good friend Lori tonight and I left very frustrated… sexually and mentally speaking- but not b/c of her. We were talking about this and how she said she admired me for waiting and she doesn’t see how I do it. Not exactly an encouraging word to hear no matter how she meant it. This is a God loving, Christ committed, wonderfully happy married woman, who waited to have sex with her husband until their wedding night. She says that sex is like food and water for her, and that if for some reason her husband died, she doesn’t know how long she could go without it. That is not exactly encouraging for a virgin such as myself, or better yet a very curvatious, sexually mature, clearly fertile, raring to go 26 year old woman such as myself. I kept thinking, "man, I really am missing out!" In fact, as she talked I became more aware of how angry I was that I wasn’t having sex and how jealous I am of her that she actually gets to throw down and dirty as much as she wants every week! So I ask her, where in the bible does it really say to “wait until you are married? HUH?” She confirmed my thought with; "it doesn’t really word for word say that, you are right." We continue our conversation with all the responsibilities that come with sex, and the reason for sex, and the commitment that sex requires, and that is why God warns us about sex and sets some ground rules. I still found myself getting worked up and feeling like the Christian community has done a really good job of teaching and telling teenagers about the “don’ts” about sex but done a really shitty job of teaching the “whys” of not having sex. We have packaged it up into this “God is going to hate you if you do have sex” box and expected raging hormonal teenagers to accept that and then wonder why they turn away from the church and God in sexual shame when one day the battle between the mind and body is too hard to fight. Why did God say keep the marriage bed pure? Why did he say to steer clear of lusting after another man’s wife (or vice versa for us ladies)? Why did he say it’s better to marry than to burn in singleness?- “burning” meaning in the sexual desire sense.

Here’s what I think… and I think it’s pretty spot on! There are a few things that are for sure…

1. Sex is AWESOME! (I know that, even without having the real thing)

2. Sex connects people

3. Sex releases a billion hormones that connect people to one another

4. Sex is risky

5. Sex brings responsibility- for the person, and for the body

6. Sex is messy- physically and emotionally

7. Sex is the closest any two people can come to one another- it’s the ultimate!

8. Sex is for reproduction

9. Sex brings bodily pleasure

This is why I don’t have sex. The emotional and physical tie that it would give to me and someone would be TOO MUCH for me to let go of. The responsibility that sex brings is more than I’m willing to gamble with, with someone who might not be fully committed to me and who might not be able to take responsibility for what I will require after I have it. I am not ready to have children. I do not want an STD. I know that once I start, I won’t be able to stop. I do not want to risk being broken over having sex with someone who leaves me, when I already find it hard to get over someone who makes out with me. I don’t want to give that part of myself to someone who isn’t committed to me, who might not love me for everything that I am, and who might not be in it with me for the long haul. When will someone prove to me that they deserve my body and this fine piece of ass? When they marry me- and commit their life to me!

That’s what I think God was getting at with these rules. He knows that he made sex to be incredible, to be a vital part of life- and he knows what it intales. It takes commitment, honor, and responsibility. I don’t think that is possible in just a dating relationship, and even in an engagement- who’s to say it’s the right thing? Once you’ve given it up there is no going back and there is something lost when it is given up, as well as gained. I’m not willing to gamble losing it for nothing. Even in marriage, sex is still a gamble… but at least it’s in a commitment. People die, people marry again, mistakes are made, people marry the wrong person, people have sex anyway… but God doesn’t hate us for that. He’s just trying to let us know, “hey, I know what sex is, I made it!! I’m just trying to help you get yourself to the point and to the commitment level it takes to help you have the best sex of your life!”

I wonder if I should be so mad at my friends who are in committed relationships and are having sex. Am I angry because I’ve been taught to wait until I'm married? Am I jealous because I’m not having any? Yes, a little of both; however, speaking for myself, I’m not having it until I have the right circumstance and the right relationship… and according to the bible and according to LIFE… marriage looks like the safest place. Anything else is just asking for trouble, and risking giving away the most precious thing I can give to someone- my body, and my heart.

To my friends who have it, I say WHATEVER… but consider yourself warned, and know that I’m still a little jealous of you. If you get through dating, engagement and onto marriage being sexually active and still feel like everything worked out… well then count your blessings and thank the Lord that you didn’t have to experience any of the downsides of sex outside of marriage. I’m just not willing to risk that.

So, I’ll keep waiting… damn it. I’ll wait even when I’m dating. I’ll wait even when I’m engaged. And to Maslow, I say, I can live and function without it for now, but to my future husband I say… strap yourself in honey, because you are in for the RIDE OF YOUR LIFE… literally!

------Carla

what do you think about Carla's situation? comments? insights?

oooooooooh yeah

2008-01-15T22:33:00.001-05:00

the good news is:

i have arrived!

the best news is:

today is the first day of the rest of my life and i actually breathed a sigh of relief today. everything has really come together and i honestly cannot take any credit for it. Thank you Lord.

as i was driving today, i saw a flock of starlings (fun little birds who fly on the breezes) and as they drifted over and under and over and under, forming patterns against the sky, i was simultaneously singing along with a song that was playing, the exact lyrics i was singing were (and really, try to read all of the lyrics, as i know sometimes when someone inserts lyrics, we are tempted to skim and go "blah blah blah, stop trying to be artsy and stop reading into things, but really, seriously, i got chills):

Yesterday
Is not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today
With every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more

Cause it seems I get so hung up on
The history of what's gone wrong
And the hope of a new day
Is sometimes hard to see (what you see)
And though I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
And the light there at the end is
Where I'll be

Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I'm capable of
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you

and as i was singing "I'm on the up and up" over and over, i just go so happy, i got so excited, i had to squeal out loud (which, as Carla will testify, is something i do just like a little kid) and i clapped my hands, and my heart jumped up and down and i just was overwhelmed with a sense of excitment and thrill. i think that is the perfect word for how i feel about this new place and new chapter, hell, a new BOOK in my life: thrilled.

tired, exhausted, and it's only day 1

2008-01-14T20:01:00.001-05:00

i am, how you say, le tired.

today was gruelling to say the least, but thank goodness i do not have plans to move again ANY time soon. packing my stuff today meant that i had to lift EVERYTHING that weighs anything more than 15 lbs b/c my mother has 0 upper-body strength. so when she said she'd help me today, i knew that help was a relative term.

my dad showed up with his truck and that was great because we can fit EVERYTHING in there and that means i only need to make one trip.

i will try to post a picture of all my stuff once it's in my dad's truck, and then, i will try to post another picture of the stuff once it's in the townhouse.

i have a LOT of stuff, and i plan on really, really, really sorting through it before it all settles into my new place like water into a dry sponge.

seriously.

i am so glad there is a Goodwill in my neighborhood, this way, i will actually go and drop things off when i say i will!

T-minus

2008-01-13T23:46:00.001-05:00

T-minus 2 days and counting, and i will no longer be living with my mother and/or grandfather.

okay.

just so that you might be able to grasp even the slightest clue of what i have had to endure for the last 2 months i'm going to give you the basics.

1-my grandfather is 85 years old, hard of hearing, and crazy. i call him Pop, his wife, my most wonderful grandmother died in 1998. i miss my grandmother, she is probably 90% of why i am so awesome. i will try to tell you more about her in another post.

2-my mother and father are getting a divorce (they have yet to file because they are waiting to settle their debt with the IRS. this is just the tip of their iceberg.)

3-my mother lives with my Pop, who is not her father, but my Dad's father. (my mom's father died in 2005).

4-yes, that means that my mom lives with her soon-to-be-ex-father-in-law.

5-my father lives 2 hours away from here.

6-my father owns his own business, and my mother has worked with/for him for 20 years, and so they still run the business even though they are getting divorced.

7-my Pop is dating my grandmother from my mother's side.

let me clarify: my dad's dad is dating my mom's mom.

8-yes if they got married my parents would be step-brother and step-sister as well as ex-husband and ex-wife. and believe me, we were all like, WHA? but then we realized that they've known each other for over 20 years, they have 3 grandchildren in common, and they really just seek companionship for yard-saling and senior-citizen buffets.

9-no, we do not live in West Virginia.

10-my Pop collects useless things, like owl paraphanelia and holiday ties from yard sales.

11-my mother collects anything and everything that she sees that is remotely on sale in any store and she visits many stores very often.

12-my mother, my grandfather, and myself are all pack-rats.

13-my mother and i are not the most organized people in the world, but my mother is by-far the messier.

14-living with Pop has made him resentful of my mother. (mainly because she makes a mess and leaves him to clean it)

15-living with Pop has made my mother resentful of him. (mainly because he cleans the messes she makes but then yells at her about it [it should be noted that he is not yelling because he's mad, he just yells to talk, because he's losing his hearing so bad. don't get me started on how loud he talks so that he can hear everything on his cell phone.]

16-living with the 2 of them makes me want to pull my hair out and scream until they stop talking or go to bed.

17-these are the reasons why i find reasons to stay at Carla's house as many nights as possible during the week.

18-these are the reasons why i am excited to move out of this crazy house.

19-OH, and my mother hates her mom, and i hate my grandma as well, and she visits often because she is dating my grandfather. (hate is a strong word, but it's the only way to describe it sometimes because she is downright rude most of the time and careless in her word-choice)

20-when my parent's divorce goes through, my mom will have to move in with my grandmother and my grandfather is going to sell his wood-paneled, plaster-walled, sliding wooden doors, tiny-ass-room house to "mexicans".

did i mention that my Pop had quit smoking for like 15 years, and has recently taken it up again because "he's too old to care"? or that Pop has prostate cancer and is taking birth control pills for it? or that he'll smoke in his room even though the rules are that he has to smoke outside. he'll light it up in his room and expect us not to smell the cigarette-air wofting about the house. it's like he's a teenager!

yes, i believe that we could make a great case-study for Dr. Phil.

wait, where was i going?

oh yeah.

in writing this post it just changed over from Sunday to Monday b/c it was almost midnight when i started posting, and now, even though this blog won't reflect it, it is 12:18 AM on Monday morning, meaning:

it is now T-minus 1 day and counting.

can't wait!

booklist

2008-01-12T23:50:00.001-05:00

as i named my blog life by the book, i thought i should list the books that i have either started or finished in the time that i started blogging. one of my main goals is to read at least one book a month (which is a low goal for me, but i get so distracted by tv that i'm hoping to up the count sometime soon)

-Wicked by Gregory Maguire (currently reading)
-Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert (currently reading)
-Extras by Scott Westerfield (didn't finish it, but i plan on borrowing it from the library once i move!)
-The IT Girl's Guide to Blogging with Moxie by Joelle Reeder and Katherine Scoleri (i love this book!)
-Write is a Verb by Bill O'Hanlon (supposed to help me get my butt into writing again)
-Love Smart by Dr. Phil (okay, this only counts if i could get past those sickening hearts on every page, so........it only counts because i have opened the front cover and looked at the first pages)
-Animal, Vegetable, Mineral by Barbara Kingsolver (i was reading this before i left Seth, and because i last read it two nights before i left, i cannot bring myself to read it anymore. it was also a birthday present from him to me this past year. so...not done with it yet)
-Secrets of a Former Fat Girl by Lisa Delaney (never finished it, but i LOVED it and fully intend on buying it sometime soon)

these are just the books that i am in the middle of, don't get me started on my list of books that i want to read. working in a bookstore has meant that my list has quadrupled in 2 short months!

no more.............

2008-01-12T22:14:00.000-05:00

no more creeeeeeepy customers after 3:00 tomorrow! it's my last day working at the bookstore tomorrow, and honestly, i'm SO ready for it.

no more people having mini-meltdowns because their coupon isn't working.

no more people asking me why we don't price compare with online bookstores.

no more people setting off the doorway alarms and then looking at me like "I didn't do it".

no more people smacking their children right in front of me because the whole area surrounding the cash register is the most attention distracting area for kids ever: toys, candy, things to poke.

and best of all, no more people asking me to look up a book even though i have already pointed them to the information desk and i have told them that i am not allowed to leave the registers because there is a LINE wrapping around the store.

and even though i could very easily find myself writing a "why i hate being unemployed" post in the next week, i'm so happy not to be a cashier anymore after tomorrow. i am going to get a full-time job, one where i don't have to stand on my feet for 6 hours straight and i don't have to do it for pennies.

i am probably one of the most optimistic and upbeat people in the world, and i just KNOW that there are only good things ahead in 2008. this move to a new place is just the kick in the pants that i need!

here are some of my plans for the upcoming month(s):

-move into the new AWESOME townhouse
-unpack and purge from things that i do not need. (i am a clutterbug and a pack-rat, this means that not only do i have a lot of stuff, but i don't even know where most of it is most of the time.)
-have an interview and land a full-time job (my first one!)
-get a kitten and spoil it rotten! (once i have a steady income, of course. and i want it to be either gray-tabby or white)
-make new friends and keep the ones i've already got
-write, write, write. (i have a novel that i work on from time to time)
-decide whether i will be doing my Masters in Creative Writing this fall or next spring.
-start running again, and train for and finish a half-marathon.
-plan and go on at least 1 international trip. (it's about damn time i use my passport again. that thing is itching for stamps!)

here are some things that i have been daydreaming about owning/buying whenever i get a full-time job:
-a Nintendo Wii
-a nice digital camera
-a Dodge Caliber
-gym membership and/or a personal trainer
oh, i feel like there are more to add to this list, so don't be surprised if i update this again later.

alright.

i'm done distracting myself from the looming prospect of packing my stuff.

-lisa-