clearly, i have an undying affection for books, as i have aptly named my own blog after the way that my life has crept along, book by book.
over the holidays while i worked in a mainstream bookstore, i spent some of my off-time and breaks looking over the section with the title "Divorce", in the lifestyles section near "Death" and "Homosexuality" (i have no idea why they were all grouped together), but as i looked over the shelves, i noticed that most of the books were aimed towards a different divorced woman than myself.
they were geared for women with children, older women, women who cheated, women who were cheated on, or the legal proceedings and psychological tolls of dealing with the loss of a spouse after a lengthy marriage.
where were the books for the:
childless
young
short marriages?
i never found what i wanted on the shelves at the bookstore, i guess there isn't yet a wide-spread market for women [or men] in this status. but i did find what i wanted when i went home and googling until i hit a title that looked like it was just what i was looking for:
Not Your Mother's Divorce
by Kay Moffett and Sarah Touborg
i wrote it down in my little notebook [all great writer's carry around a notebook for jotting things, too bad mine isn't always for brilliant writing ideas, and it's more so for lists of things i need to remember]...
and i forgot about it.
until about a week ago, when i was flipping through my little notebook and saw the title. i went to my local library's website (Lavar Burton would be so proud of me!) and i found it and put a request on it. i picked it up this morning and devoured the first chapter.
i will be sharing my own insights on the book, if you can get your hands on a copy, we could do an online bookclub! so far, i find myself nodding along, agreeing on everything i read, my eyes welling up with tears as i read the chapter titles:
1-Where Did Our Love Go?
2-Suddenly Single
3-"There's Something I Need To Tell You" Sharing the news, and getting the support you need from friends, family and work.
4-Losing a Bed, a Bank Account, and a Roommate Physical and Financial Separation
5-Untying the Knot The Legal Process
6-In the Company of a Vivid Ghost Encounters with Your Ex
7-Here Comes the Divorcee Single in Society
8-The Dating Scene-Take Two
9-Retying the Knot-or Not
10-When Life Hands You Limes, Make Mojitos
already, i want to skip ahead and read Chapter 3 right away....but i'm finishing up Chapter 1....the rest will come in time.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
what did i do today?
today:
i woke up at 9:30.
i sat on my bed for countless hours.
and i washed my sheets and remade my bed.
i watched waaaay too much tv.
watched my kitten take a thousand naps.
i cruised craigslist.
i took a shower.
i watched 3 episodes of Intervention.
i played online games.
essentially, i didn't have to work and proceeded to act like it's summer and it's the 8th grade all over again.....
yay for lazy days, except that i did have a few things that i needed to be doing instead........
i woke up at 9:30.
i sat on my bed for countless hours.
and i washed my sheets and remade my bed.
i watched waaaay too much tv.
watched my kitten take a thousand naps.
i cruised craigslist.
i took a shower.
i watched 3 episodes of Intervention.
i played online games.
essentially, i didn't have to work and proceeded to act like it's summer and it's the 8th grade all over again.....
yay for lazy days, except that i did have a few things that i needed to be doing instead........
Friday, June 13, 2008
there is hope and healing for my heart.
on Sunday morning Carla and i tried out a new church. i see the signs for it everyday on my way to work, and although we have been "regularly" attending another church that we really like alot, we decided to try this new church out because it is a lot closer to home and we haven't really been warmly welcomed at the other church.
anyway. last Saturday night i got online to check on what time the service was and what to expect. the website was very helpful and i even got to see what the topic was for the next morning.
the headline was "When Marriages End".
so we went to the service the next morning and even though we realized that there weren't even 20 people that were attending the service [i.e. it's a new church and doesn't have very many members yet, but we spoke to practically everyone] the message was worth going for.
the Pastor opened with prayer and then looked out at all of us and said:
it's part of the reason that i didn't go to my home church for any of the time that i moved back in with my mother. people just don't know what to say to you. i'm not saying that they are insensitive or judgmental (though some are and have been), i'm just saying that they aren't sure if you want to be sad about it or if they should be happy for you.
just once i would've loved for someone to ask me if i was going to be okay financially [the answer would've been 'NO! i don't have any money!' or to have asked me when was the last time i had a home-cooked meal [the answer would've been that i don't eat anything that isn't microwaved first]...
in a lot of ways what the pastor had to say about divorce was right on. he said that the number one thing about when a marriage ends in divorce is that there is always pain. there is always pain. yep. he got that one right. even though i may have been the one who needed to get out before i drowned in the agony of my marriage, it still hurt. it was still the singlemost painful experience in my life and i am still struggling with feelings of abandonment, inadequacy, insecurity, doubt, and uncertainty no matter how well i seem to be doing on the outside.
the main point that i loved that he made was this:
the final words that he said to us that really hit home for me were:
anyway. last Saturday night i got online to check on what time the service was and what to expect. the website was very helpful and i even got to see what the topic was for the next morning.
the headline was "When Marriages End".
so we went to the service the next morning and even though we realized that there weren't even 20 people that were attending the service [i.e. it's a new church and doesn't have very many members yet, but we spoke to practically everyone] the message was worth going for.
the Pastor opened with prayer and then looked out at all of us and said:
Within the Christian community sometimes I think that we know more of what to do and say when a marriage ends in death than when it ends in divorce.i wanted to stand up right then and raise the roof and shout Hallelujah! but i didn't. i just nodded in agreement. to say that people realize the devastation of losing a spouse to death, but that they don't recognize the exact same devastation of losing a spouse by divorce.
it's part of the reason that i didn't go to my home church for any of the time that i moved back in with my mother. people just don't know what to say to you. i'm not saying that they are insensitive or judgmental (though some are and have been), i'm just saying that they aren't sure if you want to be sad about it or if they should be happy for you.
just once i would've loved for someone to ask me if i was going to be okay financially [the answer would've been 'NO! i don't have any money!' or to have asked me when was the last time i had a home-cooked meal [the answer would've been that i don't eat anything that isn't microwaved first]...
in a lot of ways what the pastor had to say about divorce was right on. he said that the number one thing about when a marriage ends in divorce is that there is always pain. there is always pain. yep. he got that one right. even though i may have been the one who needed to get out before i drowned in the agony of my marriage, it still hurt. it was still the singlemost painful experience in my life and i am still struggling with feelings of abandonment, inadequacy, insecurity, doubt, and uncertainty no matter how well i seem to be doing on the outside.
the main point that i loved that he made was this:
When a marriage ends in divorce, the church has a special call to those hurt by divorce. we have a special call to be a healer of the pain. If we believe that marriage is an incredible metaphor for the bride of Christ, if we believe that divorce brings pain to those involved with it, then our job as a church is one of two things: We can be a place to bring more pain in, where people come into a church and they feel worse about the path of their life than better or we can decide as a church to bring healing to the hurt.the church needs to be a place that i can go where i won't feel judged because i am 23 and getting divorced. yes, it is most definitely unfortunate that my young little marriage didn't work out, that things were not worth salvaging, and that i may never be the same now that i am a divorcee, but it doesn't change the fact that Christ loves me the same now as He ever did [which is saying alot!]. it doesn't change the fact that i love Christ, more than ever before.
the final words that he said to us that really hit home for me were:
If you have been through the pains of divorce, I want to tell you that there is hope and healing for your heart, there's the chance for joy, there's a chance for love, and there is restoration.i cannot wait to feel like i have been restored again, right now i feel like i'm in the wallows...i would've been married for two years this past tuesday. two years ago tonight i was in Costa Rica on my honeymoon. two years ago i was naive and thought that things were just starting to stabilize, that i was going to be able to make something out of an unhealthy relationship...we had fun moments, we had tense moments, but in the end, we didn't have enough to build on...
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
walking in the dark
since i was "let go" from my first full time job, i've been working close to 40 hours a week at the restaurant that i'd been working in before i got that full time job.
anyway.
working at the restaurant all day means that i am on my feet and walking around all day, but it also means that i am literally inside all day.
now that the weather is only describable as hot as hell outside, the restaurant has a hard time staying cool because of the grills and the opening and closing doors. but just being hot because it's hot out doesn't have the same effect as actually being outside enjoying nature.
i'm big into being outside, so when i get home at night i want to be outside.
tonight i ate dinner outside on our porch with Carla. it was lovely, but it wasn't enough. i wanted to go on a walk, so i got my cell phone (for safety), and set out for a nice little stroll by myself.
it was great except for the feeling that most people driving by were a little weirded out about seeing a woman out for a walk after dark by the road... but i used my time wisely by walking over to the community center that is really nearby and inquired about their weight room membership.
that's it.
yesterday was what would have been my 2nd wedding anniversary.
my idea was to get in great shape soon so that any pictures of me from this point forward are frickin awesome.
i love that i got outside tonight, regardless of the fact that i was on a walk alone, and i love that 2 years ago i was getting married, 1 year ago i was married [i'd be willing to say unhappily so], and here i am, unmarried and totally satisfied with my life and where it is headed.
now....i'm still brainstorming about how to rightly celebrate being unmarried in replacement of my 2 year wedding anniversary....
anyway.
working at the restaurant all day means that i am on my feet and walking around all day, but it also means that i am literally inside all day.
now that the weather is only describable as hot as hell outside, the restaurant has a hard time staying cool because of the grills and the opening and closing doors. but just being hot because it's hot out doesn't have the same effect as actually being outside enjoying nature.
i'm big into being outside, so when i get home at night i want to be outside.
tonight i ate dinner outside on our porch with Carla. it was lovely, but it wasn't enough. i wanted to go on a walk, so i got my cell phone (for safety), and set out for a nice little stroll by myself.
it was great except for the feeling that most people driving by were a little weirded out about seeing a woman out for a walk after dark by the road... but i used my time wisely by walking over to the community center that is really nearby and inquired about their weight room membership.
that's it.
yesterday was what would have been my 2nd wedding anniversary.
my idea was to get in great shape soon so that any pictures of me from this point forward are frickin awesome.
i love that i got outside tonight, regardless of the fact that i was on a walk alone, and i love that 2 years ago i was getting married, 1 year ago i was married [i'd be willing to say unhappily so], and here i am, unmarried and totally satisfied with my life and where it is headed.
now....i'm still brainstorming about how to rightly celebrate being unmarried in replacement of my 2 year wedding anniversary....
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
love of my life
this is my sweet baby.
i said i would get a kitten.
i did.
i love her.
her name is Peppy, which fits perfectly b/c she is SO energetic.
about 8 weeks old here....being cute and cuddly.
this was taken today, she was lounging as the sun went down. she's about 12 weeks old now.
she likes to wait for me to play with her when i am on my laptop. check those green eyes! j'adore!
i said i would get a kitten.
i did.
i love her.
her name is Peppy, which fits perfectly b/c she is SO energetic.
about 8 weeks old here....being cute and cuddly.
this was taken today, she was lounging as the sun went down. she's about 12 weeks old now.
she likes to wait for me to play with her when i am on my laptop. check those green eyes! j'adore!
Sunday, June 8, 2008
exploring my options
the guy that i was seeing was really incredible when we met.
Paul was warm and full of compliments and just really a breath of fresh air. he understood my jokes and appreciated my wit and dry sense of humor immediately. i didn't have to dumb down our conversations or use 5th grade friendly vocabulary. he told me i was the most amazing woman he had ever met, and he meant it.
we connected on our life experiences, middle kids, unappreciated talents, rough relationships (he was with a girl for 2 years, they were engaged and she broke it off at Christmas), etc. i felt embraced and accepted and, yes, even loved by Paul.
but Paul hit some bumps along the road in the last few months and seems to have gone down in a downward spiral, i think that he is really sinking into depression, and he doesn't seem to have any optimism about his future.
i am probably one of the most patient, and overly optimistic people that you'll ever know. really, i truly truly believe that things will always get better, there will always be a reason to smile, you may have to search for it but there is always a silver lining. always.
even though Paul was really going through a hard spot, i tried to show him the good things, i tried to show him that things would and will get better one day, but really all he responded with was "no they won't, my life sucks, God is punishing me." etc. it was UNBEARABLE.
i found myself carrying our relationship. i found myself calling him only to get voicemail, texting only to get no response, messaging him to get no answer. if and when he did answer he was automatically irritated with me. and even though i adored him in the beginning, he was proving to be a very lousy companion.
so this past Thursday night, i got off of work and called him to see if we could hang out. i got no response. i texted, i got no response. my instincts kicked in and i drove to his work, he wasn't there. so yes, i spent my gas driving all the way to his house to see if he was home. he was.
i didn't go knock on the door. i didn't want to come across as the scary stalkerish type, but i wanted to talk to him and i was going to talk to him one way or another.
so i texted "I'm outside your place, in my car" and i waited.
ten minutes later i got a phone call, it was Paul and he was irritated "You're outside my place right now?"
"Yep."
"Why?"
"Because i wanted to talk to you and you weren't answering your phone."
at this point he has come outside and we're off the phone and his face is reading "you're a crazy person".
that's when i said it was over. i yelled at him, i cried at him, i gave him a hug, i let him hold me, but i pushed him away. he said that he was sorry he couldn't give me what i need or deserve right now, and i told him that i was sorry too. i told him that if the Paul i met 3 months ago ever comes back then he needs to call me, but that i couldn't stay and wait on it.
i said i am a quality woman and that i need something where i feel accepted and loved because i was married to a shitty relationship where i carried it and it was back-breaking and i wised up and got out of it before i was completely broken and that i was NOT going to do that again.
he cried.
he broke down and i saw a glimpse of the original Paul, and he apologized more sincerely than before and he just said "i'm sorry that i can't be the guy you need and that i have hurt you because you are right you're an amazing woman and you deserve better than me. you are the most beautiful and wonderful woman i have ever dated and i was lucky that you ever considered me."
when i asked if he'd lost interest or if i had done something wrong, he said that i had been "perfect" and hadn't done anything that would warrant being treated so shitty. he was right. i mean, i'm a few shades shy of perfect but i did treat him really really well and he was lucky to date me.
i cried practically the whole way home, and cried myself to sleep. but i rested well knowing that i wasn't sticking with something unhealthy because i was scared i won't find something else.
actually, this time, i plan on letting something find me. i will be exploring my options.
Paul was warm and full of compliments and just really a breath of fresh air. he understood my jokes and appreciated my wit and dry sense of humor immediately. i didn't have to dumb down our conversations or use 5th grade friendly vocabulary. he told me i was the most amazing woman he had ever met, and he meant it.
we connected on our life experiences, middle kids, unappreciated talents, rough relationships (he was with a girl for 2 years, they were engaged and she broke it off at Christmas), etc. i felt embraced and accepted and, yes, even loved by Paul.
but Paul hit some bumps along the road in the last few months and seems to have gone down in a downward spiral, i think that he is really sinking into depression, and he doesn't seem to have any optimism about his future.
i am probably one of the most patient, and overly optimistic people that you'll ever know. really, i truly truly believe that things will always get better, there will always be a reason to smile, you may have to search for it but there is always a silver lining. always.
even though Paul was really going through a hard spot, i tried to show him the good things, i tried to show him that things would and will get better one day, but really all he responded with was "no they won't, my life sucks, God is punishing me." etc. it was UNBEARABLE.
i found myself carrying our relationship. i found myself calling him only to get voicemail, texting only to get no response, messaging him to get no answer. if and when he did answer he was automatically irritated with me. and even though i adored him in the beginning, he was proving to be a very lousy companion.
so this past Thursday night, i got off of work and called him to see if we could hang out. i got no response. i texted, i got no response. my instincts kicked in and i drove to his work, he wasn't there. so yes, i spent my gas driving all the way to his house to see if he was home. he was.
i didn't go knock on the door. i didn't want to come across as the scary stalkerish type, but i wanted to talk to him and i was going to talk to him one way or another.
so i texted "I'm outside your place, in my car" and i waited.
ten minutes later i got a phone call, it was Paul and he was irritated "You're outside my place right now?"
"Yep."
"Why?"
"Because i wanted to talk to you and you weren't answering your phone."
at this point he has come outside and we're off the phone and his face is reading "you're a crazy person".
that's when i said it was over. i yelled at him, i cried at him, i gave him a hug, i let him hold me, but i pushed him away. he said that he was sorry he couldn't give me what i need or deserve right now, and i told him that i was sorry too. i told him that if the Paul i met 3 months ago ever comes back then he needs to call me, but that i couldn't stay and wait on it.
i said i am a quality woman and that i need something where i feel accepted and loved because i was married to a shitty relationship where i carried it and it was back-breaking and i wised up and got out of it before i was completely broken and that i was NOT going to do that again.
he cried.
he broke down and i saw a glimpse of the original Paul, and he apologized more sincerely than before and he just said "i'm sorry that i can't be the guy you need and that i have hurt you because you are right you're an amazing woman and you deserve better than me. you are the most beautiful and wonderful woman i have ever dated and i was lucky that you ever considered me."
when i asked if he'd lost interest or if i had done something wrong, he said that i had been "perfect" and hadn't done anything that would warrant being treated so shitty. he was right. i mean, i'm a few shades shy of perfect but i did treat him really really well and he was lucky to date me.
i cried practically the whole way home, and cried myself to sleep. but i rested well knowing that i wasn't sticking with something unhealthy because i was scared i won't find something else.
actually, this time, i plan on letting something find me. i will be exploring my options.
what did he do?
i know from my last two postings you're probably wondering what on earth he must've done to deserve having the word douchebag in such large font.
the truth is, he called me about a week ago, and all he did was be himself.
but being himself is basically the same as being a walking and talking douchebag, at least when it comes to how he interacts with me. i'm sure that during the day, while he's at work, he's pleasant and easily excitable as he tries to sell outdoor gear to the suckers who ask him for outdoor gear advice. but when he calls me and asks me when or if i sent the final divorce papers, he is in eXtreme-douchebag mode.
so he called about a week ago to ask if i had sent the last papers. i informed him that, Yes, i had sent the papers and yes, it took me about 3 weeks to find the time to get them notarized as i signed them, but they had indeed been signed, notarized, copied, and mailed to his lawyer as of 2 thursdays ago.
somehow we managed to have "conversation" for over 30 minutes. he asked about my sisters and my parents and my job and what-not. and fielded only a few of my own similar questions for him. i was sad to hear that he was in car accident over 4 weeks ago and actually had a concussion from it. and when i told him that i was sorry to hear that, his response gave me the vibe of "yeah right, like you give a shit about me, you left me".
when i hung up i had tears, the hot tears of anger and annoyance, in my eyes, and i just wanted to push him off of a cliff. for the millionth time i was reminded the reasons why i am SO thankful that i am no longer in that marriage.
the truth is, he called me about a week ago, and all he did was be himself.
but being himself is basically the same as being a walking and talking douchebag, at least when it comes to how he interacts with me. i'm sure that during the day, while he's at work, he's pleasant and easily excitable as he tries to sell outdoor gear to the suckers who ask him for outdoor gear advice. but when he calls me and asks me when or if i sent the final divorce papers, he is in eXtreme-douchebag mode.
so he called about a week ago to ask if i had sent the last papers. i informed him that, Yes, i had sent the papers and yes, it took me about 3 weeks to find the time to get them notarized as i signed them, but they had indeed been signed, notarized, copied, and mailed to his lawyer as of 2 thursdays ago.
somehow we managed to have "conversation" for over 30 minutes. he asked about my sisters and my parents and my job and what-not. and fielded only a few of my own similar questions for him. i was sad to hear that he was in car accident over 4 weeks ago and actually had a concussion from it. and when i told him that i was sorry to hear that, his response gave me the vibe of "yeah right, like you give a shit about me, you left me".
when i hung up i had tears, the hot tears of anger and annoyance, in my eyes, and i just wanted to push him off of a cliff. for the millionth time i was reminded the reasons why i am SO thankful that i am no longer in that marriage.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
actually.....scratch that Memo.....
memo: updated 6/5/08
To the Unhusband,
as per our conversation two nights ago, i just wanted to inform you that...
you are not even good enough to be a douchebag.
that is all.
love,
lisa
To the Unhusband,
as per our conversation two nights ago, i just wanted to inform you that...
you are not even good enough to be a douchebag.
that is all.
love,
lisa
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
memo to the unhusband
memo:
To the Unhusband,
as per our conversation last night, i just wanted to remind you that...
you are a douchebag.
that is all.
love,
lisa
To the Unhusband,
as per our conversation last night, i just wanted to remind you that...
you are a douchebag.
that is all.
love,
lisa
Sunday, June 1, 2008
stirring it up
so, Carla and i went and saw the Sex and the City movie last night even though neither one of us ever really watched the show, and let me just say that i loved it.
i don't want to ruin it for you if you haven't seen it, and believe me, there are really great and hilarious moments in it as well as some heart-aching moments, and i don't want to give them away at all, but the movie really stirred something up inside of me.
during one of the scenes in the middle of the movie i really really felt like i was being crushed. there was a weight on my lungs i wanted to cry out so hard. i looked around and realized it wasn't really a moment where anyone else felt inclined to cry, but here i was with this crushing weight feeling like i was on the verge of sobbing like a baby.
in total, there were about 3 or 4 moments where i had silent tears streaming down my face. i couldn't quite pinpoint the feelings that were emerging except to feel like i had just left Seth all over again. it was the same feeling that i had the first night that we decided to call it quits and i let him have the bed and i tried to sleep on the couch. i just cried and cried. and pulled my knees up to my chest and cried and sobbed. and it was awful. it's a hot crying, the kind of crying that aches every muscle and gives you real bags under your eyes the next day.
as we walked out of the movie i asked Carla if she had cried at all during the movie, and she said that she had felt some pinpricks of tiny tears welling up in one scene, but no, she hadn't cried. and i welled up with tears telling her that i had practically wanted to cry for the second half of the entire movie. it was so bizarre because i had no idea why i was so upset. why this movie had made me feel like i was just getting my stuff packed into my little white car all over again.
really. i don't even know why. i guess there will be little bouts of crying as i relive the agony of ending a marriage, i just really didn't think that the Sex and the City movie would do that to me.
when i got home i cried some more before i went to sleep, but then i was done with it.
--------
in bigger news:
i sent the final papers for the divorce on Thursday.
i think this is cause for celebration......
any ideas?
i don't want to ruin it for you if you haven't seen it, and believe me, there are really great and hilarious moments in it as well as some heart-aching moments, and i don't want to give them away at all, but the movie really stirred something up inside of me.
during one of the scenes in the middle of the movie i really really felt like i was being crushed. there was a weight on my lungs i wanted to cry out so hard. i looked around and realized it wasn't really a moment where anyone else felt inclined to cry, but here i was with this crushing weight feeling like i was on the verge of sobbing like a baby.
in total, there were about 3 or 4 moments where i had silent tears streaming down my face. i couldn't quite pinpoint the feelings that were emerging except to feel like i had just left Seth all over again. it was the same feeling that i had the first night that we decided to call it quits and i let him have the bed and i tried to sleep on the couch. i just cried and cried. and pulled my knees up to my chest and cried and sobbed. and it was awful. it's a hot crying, the kind of crying that aches every muscle and gives you real bags under your eyes the next day.
as we walked out of the movie i asked Carla if she had cried at all during the movie, and she said that she had felt some pinpricks of tiny tears welling up in one scene, but no, she hadn't cried. and i welled up with tears telling her that i had practically wanted to cry for the second half of the entire movie. it was so bizarre because i had no idea why i was so upset. why this movie had made me feel like i was just getting my stuff packed into my little white car all over again.
really. i don't even know why. i guess there will be little bouts of crying as i relive the agony of ending a marriage, i just really didn't think that the Sex and the City movie would do that to me.
when i got home i cried some more before i went to sleep, but then i was done with it.
--------
in bigger news:
i sent the final papers for the divorce on Thursday.
i think this is cause for celebration......
any ideas?
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