something better is coming.
i am working on a longer post, it's taking me some time to think on things before i go typing and hitting PUBLISH POST.
there is a lot of uncertainty in my life right now (especially considering that i am looking for employment alongside 100.000+ others in America!!!!) but i have a strange strange peace about it. i am trying to keep my eyes on the silver lining right now and trying to salvage whatever good has come out of the past few years and focusing on that.
i am ridiculously optimistic because i have finally realized that it is not up to me at all! ha! control? what control?!
Showing posts with label job. Show all posts
Showing posts with label job. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
unemployed
i lost my job on monday.
apparently they were looking for someone new and gave me no notice.
i am glad that Tuesday was full of snow and Obama-rama.
today i spent time with people who made me feel valued and loved, esp b/c my friend Simon watched "Beaches" with me.
now that is the sign of a true friend, although, he didn't cry. i have seen that movie at least 20 times and i cry every time. now onto praying for whatever is next. i can't be unemployed for very long, my bills won't pay themselves. bah!
apparently they were looking for someone new and gave me no notice.
i am glad that Tuesday was full of snow and Obama-rama.
today i spent time with people who made me feel valued and loved, esp b/c my friend Simon watched "Beaches" with me.
now that is the sign of a true friend, although, he didn't cry. i have seen that movie at least 20 times and i cry every time. now onto praying for whatever is next. i can't be unemployed for very long, my bills won't pay themselves. bah!
Monday, January 5, 2009
simmering
as this is my first post in the new year, i have started and discarded several attempts at voicing my thoughts. i just want to write something that i am not going to look back on and think "i was so dumb."
i'm not making any resolutions this year, save for one exception:
i will not blame 2008 for being shiteous, i will only blame myself, and i resolve not to do this again for 2009.
i will own my year.
since the day my marriage started in 2006 and subsequent decline, to the announcement of my parent's divorce, to graduate school fiasco, to moving everything 3 times in 3 months and returning to my mom's house and being single again and moving to Raleigh, and getting and losing a 'real job' and taking 2 dead-end jobs back to back for all of 2007/2008, i sometimes like to refer to 2006-2008 as the 'shit-storm'. but really, honestly, i have to be realistic with myself.
the only common denominator between all of those years was me.
and so, as 2009 begins, i want to own my year. i want to know that:
i did what i could,
i worked as hard as i could,
i loved as hard as i could,
i friended those who needed me,
i spent time taking care of me,
i laughed hard,
i cried when i needed to,
i slept deeply,
i indulged and withdrew when applicable,
i hugged as many people as possible,
i did cannonballs and splashed with childlike glee,
i smiled til my face hurt...
all the factors that contribute to the lasting impression that a 'year' makes are the factors that i allow to leave an impression. the truth about life is that it's all in how you remember it.
there is no reason for 2009 to be any different, except that i have realized the key to changing my pattern:
i am the common denominator, i have to be the difference i want to see in my year. nobody is going to do it for me, i cannot wait for the strings to be pulled in my favor, i have to go out and do what needs to be done and i need to take some control over the factors that i allow to dominate my year, and i have to be prayerful and immersed in God's word and power in order to have clarity in my pursuits.
first on the docket: job.
i'm not making any resolutions this year, save for one exception:
i will not blame 2008 for being shiteous, i will only blame myself, and i resolve not to do this again for 2009.
i will own my year.
since the day my marriage started in 2006 and subsequent decline, to the announcement of my parent's divorce, to graduate school fiasco, to moving everything 3 times in 3 months and returning to my mom's house and being single again and moving to Raleigh, and getting and losing a 'real job' and taking 2 dead-end jobs back to back for all of 2007/2008, i sometimes like to refer to 2006-2008 as the 'shit-storm'. but really, honestly, i have to be realistic with myself.
the only common denominator between all of those years was me.
and so, as 2009 begins, i want to own my year. i want to know that:
i did what i could,
i worked as hard as i could,
i loved as hard as i could,
i friended those who needed me,
i spent time taking care of me,
i laughed hard,
i cried when i needed to,
i slept deeply,
i indulged and withdrew when applicable,
i hugged as many people as possible,
i did cannonballs and splashed with childlike glee,
i smiled til my face hurt...
all the factors that contribute to the lasting impression that a 'year' makes are the factors that i allow to leave an impression. the truth about life is that it's all in how you remember it.
there is no reason for 2009 to be any different, except that i have realized the key to changing my pattern:
i am the common denominator, i have to be the difference i want to see in my year. nobody is going to do it for me, i cannot wait for the strings to be pulled in my favor, i have to go out and do what needs to be done and i need to take some control over the factors that i allow to dominate my year, and i have to be prayerful and immersed in God's word and power in order to have clarity in my pursuits.
first on the docket: job.
Friday, December 19, 2008
just in time for Christmas.
so, lately i've been comparing my life to walking down a dead end road.
marriage was a dead end.
seminary was a dead end.
getting a job at that book company was a dead end.
waiting tables for 6 months was a dead end.
now, my nanny job has become a dead end.
not that i thought i'd be a nanny forever, wait Peter Pan, children do get older, they won't need me forever. but i did think that at most i would be employed by this family until next July and then i would try and become a teacher. that was my plan.
that was the plan until i realized that the family i work full-time for gave me 2 weeks off for Christmas because they don't need me and they are not going to be paying me for any time off. AND on top of this, when i voiced my insight on how Nanny-etiquette would dictate a situation like this should be handled, they met me with resistance and insisted that they should not pay me. i tried to stand firm and they eventually met me 1/4 of the way, AND in the process said something along the lines of "Jill thinks we're overpaying you enough as it is....." and the father went into a little bit of a rant about how i only have one child while the other is at school. blah blah blah.
let me just say that in NO circumstances should an employer mention to an employee that they want to keep that they think they are 'overpaying' them.
wow. that was such a slap in the face. and the worst part is that i had to take their offer because i have no other options. i have no savings to fall back on. i don't have parents that can shower me with unwarranted monies. i have too much pride to ask people for money. so i have to grin and bear it with this job until i find something else. on top of that, there seem to be 100,000,000 hoops to jump through in order to become a teacher in Wake county. awesome.
it's all just in time for Christmas.
i know that this year has been great and that i have learned so much, but i am still just feeling so
dis:
-enchanted
-illusioned
-gusted
-appointed
-couraged
and since i've got 2 weeks off, i know myself well enough to know that i won't be nearly as proactive as i will need to be in order to find another job....but i want to prove myself wrong. BLAH so much to think about!
marriage was a dead end.
seminary was a dead end.
getting a job at that book company was a dead end.
waiting tables for 6 months was a dead end.
now, my nanny job has become a dead end.
not that i thought i'd be a nanny forever, wait Peter Pan, children do get older, they won't need me forever. but i did think that at most i would be employed by this family until next July and then i would try and become a teacher. that was my plan.
that was the plan until i realized that the family i work full-time for gave me 2 weeks off for Christmas because they don't need me and they are not going to be paying me for any time off. AND on top of this, when i voiced my insight on how Nanny-etiquette would dictate a situation like this should be handled, they met me with resistance and insisted that they should not pay me. i tried to stand firm and they eventually met me 1/4 of the way, AND in the process said something along the lines of "Jill thinks we're overpaying you enough as it is....." and the father went into a little bit of a rant about how i only have one child while the other is at school. blah blah blah.
let me just say that in NO circumstances should an employer mention to an employee that they want to keep that they think they are 'overpaying' them.
wow. that was such a slap in the face. and the worst part is that i had to take their offer because i have no other options. i have no savings to fall back on. i don't have parents that can shower me with unwarranted monies. i have too much pride to ask people for money. so i have to grin and bear it with this job until i find something else. on top of that, there seem to be 100,000,000 hoops to jump through in order to become a teacher in Wake county. awesome.
it's all just in time for Christmas.
i know that this year has been great and that i have learned so much, but i am still just feeling so
dis:
-enchanted
-illusioned
-gusted
-appointed
-couraged
and since i've got 2 weeks off, i know myself well enough to know that i won't be nearly as proactive as i will need to be in order to find another job....but i want to prove myself wrong. BLAH so much to think about!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
heart chaos.
i would be pretending if i said that everything is coming up roses in my life right now.
in the past week i have had 5 serious talks with 4 separate people about things that have been experienced or observed about interactions with said people, and those kind of serious conversations always take a lot out of me. like, my appetite goes away and whatever i do eat gives me serious stomach problems. my nerves just go straight through the roof, it's obnoxious.
also, i called Seth last week and got an automated voicemail, didn't leave a message, but then called him the next night and left a message. tried to do like Monica and sound 'breezy' [Friends? anyone?] but i wasn't calling for any reason except to see how he's doing. it has been over 400 days since i saw him, and right at about 6 months since i last spoke with him [since May] and i haven't missed him or wanted to be back with him once. i can honestly stand behind our decision to split, but that doesn't mean that i don't want to be cordial and call him. and, the holiday cheer/spirit got to me and i felt like it's probably the most appropriate time of the year to extend an olive branch.
he hasn't called back.
i wonder if i have the wrong number. either way, i'm not too worried about it. mostly because i do what any good 'ex' would do, i.e. i used facebook to check on him.
back in October i realized that i was looking at his page too often, and so i blocked him and i hadn't allowed myself to look at his page for a very long time. but on Sunday night, i guess i relapsed, i went into facebook, unblocked him, looked at his page, and then promplty re-blocked him. it's so funny to type it, to admit it out there in the cyberspaces, that i am one of those people, but that's how i do. :) i was happy to see that he changed his profile picture and seems to be tagged in a few pictures at parties and stuff. so he's being social. also, and probably most critical to me, he is still listed as Single. although, after reading the latest on his wall posts, the girls he is meeting out there seem to be chatting him up quite a bit. so good for that. i think i mainly check on him because i get worried that he has sequestered himself and might not be too social. but it looks like he's doing a good job of getting out, so that is the best thing i could ask for.
of course, if he calls, i will post. if he doesn't, i imagine i will be posting anyway, because the holidays make me think a LOT.
the title 'heart chaos' also has to do with a lot of my emotional state right now, i am feeling the ache to have a love that 'lasts forever' [i have sappy movies to blame for that]. i am feeling like i wasted 2008 and that i still don't have a 'Big Girl' job like i wanted to have back in January. i am feeling like i am always too quick to talk and volunteer things about myself before i take the time to listen [i am getting a big "SHUT UP" sign from God right now]. i am feeling like the only boys i might ever be interested in romantically, could potentially, reject me because of the fact that i have a past that doesn't exactly shine like the sun. i am feeling like there are issues with my family that i just can't pinpoint, that i would rather crawl to the top of Mt. Everest in a bikini than sit at my grandmother's table and eat Christmas dinner for 1 minute {what is it?!}
so much to think about. so much heart chaos.
in the past week i have had 5 serious talks with 4 separate people about things that have been experienced or observed about interactions with said people, and those kind of serious conversations always take a lot out of me. like, my appetite goes away and whatever i do eat gives me serious stomach problems. my nerves just go straight through the roof, it's obnoxious.
also, i called Seth last week and got an automated voicemail, didn't leave a message, but then called him the next night and left a message. tried to do like Monica and sound 'breezy' [Friends? anyone?] but i wasn't calling for any reason except to see how he's doing. it has been over 400 days since i saw him, and right at about 6 months since i last spoke with him [since May] and i haven't missed him or wanted to be back with him once. i can honestly stand behind our decision to split, but that doesn't mean that i don't want to be cordial and call him. and, the holiday cheer/spirit got to me and i felt like it's probably the most appropriate time of the year to extend an olive branch.
he hasn't called back.
i wonder if i have the wrong number. either way, i'm not too worried about it. mostly because i do what any good 'ex' would do, i.e. i used facebook to check on him.
back in October i realized that i was looking at his page too often, and so i blocked him and i hadn't allowed myself to look at his page for a very long time. but on Sunday night, i guess i relapsed, i went into facebook, unblocked him, looked at his page, and then promplty re-blocked him. it's so funny to type it, to admit it out there in the cyberspaces, that i am one of those people, but that's how i do. :) i was happy to see that he changed his profile picture and seems to be tagged in a few pictures at parties and stuff. so he's being social. also, and probably most critical to me, he is still listed as Single. although, after reading the latest on his wall posts, the girls he is meeting out there seem to be chatting him up quite a bit. so good for that. i think i mainly check on him because i get worried that he has sequestered himself and might not be too social. but it looks like he's doing a good job of getting out, so that is the best thing i could ask for.
of course, if he calls, i will post. if he doesn't, i imagine i will be posting anyway, because the holidays make me think a LOT.
the title 'heart chaos' also has to do with a lot of my emotional state right now, i am feeling the ache to have a love that 'lasts forever' [i have sappy movies to blame for that]. i am feeling like i wasted 2008 and that i still don't have a 'Big Girl' job like i wanted to have back in January. i am feeling like i am always too quick to talk and volunteer things about myself before i take the time to listen [i am getting a big "SHUT UP" sign from God right now]. i am feeling like the only boys i might ever be interested in romantically, could potentially, reject me because of the fact that i have a past that doesn't exactly shine like the sun. i am feeling like there are issues with my family that i just can't pinpoint, that i would rather crawl to the top of Mt. Everest in a bikini than sit at my grandmother's table and eat Christmas dinner for 1 minute {what is it?!}
so much to think about. so much heart chaos.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
iowa and home again
so i spent the last week in the great state of Iowa helping with flood relief. the flooding happened on June 12, and there are still houses that haven't been touched!
i had to have some serious talks with myself so that i would actually come back to NC and not stay in Iowa indefinitely.
reasons why i couldn't stay there:
-no income (car bill, rent (no way i would get a subleaser!), student loans, utilities, car insurance, cell phone!)
-too far from people i really love
-no car
-sleeping on an air mattress is only fun in short amounts of time
-losing my job here b/c it would be 'irresponsible' for me to just not show up for a few weeks.
it really came down to the fact that i have bills to pay. if i had a guaranteed way to make money while volunteering (i.e. freelance writing or something fun), i would have stayed for sure. alas, i had to come back, and even though i miss Iowa ferociously, i am glad to be back, glad to get back to normal, and now i am daydreaming about my next Disaster Relief opportunity (not that i'm hoping for them, but natural disasters are bound to happen!)
i had to have some serious talks with myself so that i would actually come back to NC and not stay in Iowa indefinitely.
reasons why i couldn't stay there:
-no income (car bill, rent (no way i would get a subleaser!), student loans, utilities, car insurance, cell phone!)
-too far from people i really love
-no car
-sleeping on an air mattress is only fun in short amounts of time
-losing my job here b/c it would be 'irresponsible' for me to just not show up for a few weeks.
it really came down to the fact that i have bills to pay. if i had a guaranteed way to make money while volunteering (i.e. freelance writing or something fun), i would have stayed for sure. alas, i had to come back, and even though i miss Iowa ferociously, i am glad to be back, glad to get back to normal, and now i am daydreaming about my next Disaster Relief opportunity (not that i'm hoping for them, but natural disasters are bound to happen!)
Sunday, August 17, 2008
re-adjusting
definitely gonna have to readjust my sleeping patterns now that my work week is 7:30a-5p Monday through Thursday! AND i'm gonna have to start getting things done when i get home in the afternoon.
i'd like to work in time to read the books i'm in the middle of (still haven't finished the divorce book even though i am itching to!) and i need to DEFINITELY schedule in some work-out time (considering i had to peel my jeans off tonight, literally, peel, it made me feel disgusting).....
i'm just going to have to do a lot of readjusting, especially because it's something i've always struggled with, time management. bluh! i hate growing up.
alright.
i have to be at my new nanny job in 8 hours........must sleep............now!
(will tell more about the job in the next post, promise!)
i'd like to work in time to read the books i'm in the middle of (still haven't finished the divorce book even though i am itching to!) and i need to DEFINITELY schedule in some work-out time (considering i had to peel my jeans off tonight, literally, peel, it made me feel disgusting).....
i'm just going to have to do a lot of readjusting, especially because it's something i've always struggled with, time management. bluh! i hate growing up.
alright.
i have to be at my new nanny job in 8 hours........must sleep............now!
(will tell more about the job in the next post, promise!)
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
the unofficial game-plan 08-09
so,
i accepted a nanny position, hopefully it will work out so that i can work with this family until the end of next July.
and hopefully by the end of next July i will have gotten a NC Teacher's certification so that i can qualify for a lateral-entry teaching position.
that, my dear friends, is the unofficial gameplan.
it took a lot of thought and prayer and assessment, but i really do think that i will be happy as a nanny while i save some money and help enrich the lives of two beautiful kids, and i think that i will ultimately be happy if i am a teacher as well.
i'm also thinking i might add some online courses to try and get my Master's in Creative Writing....oh, all these dreams are just adding up!
i accepted a nanny position, hopefully it will work out so that i can work with this family until the end of next July.
and hopefully by the end of next July i will have gotten a NC Teacher's certification so that i can qualify for a lateral-entry teaching position.
that, my dear friends, is the unofficial gameplan.
it took a lot of thought and prayer and assessment, but i really do think that i will be happy as a nanny while i save some money and help enrich the lives of two beautiful kids, and i think that i will ultimately be happy if i am a teacher as well.
i'm also thinking i might add some online courses to try and get my Master's in Creative Writing....oh, all these dreams are just adding up!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
hook me up Jesus
alright.
so.
tonight at work,
i put in,
my 2 weeks notice.
last day will be Friday the 15.
alright Jesus.
i'm ready for whatever You're lining up.
i hope it's gooooooooood!
so.
tonight at work,
i put in,
my 2 weeks notice.
last day will be Friday the 15.
alright Jesus.
i'm ready for whatever You're lining up.
i hope it's gooooooooood!
Sunday, August 3, 2008
what to say.....
i am becoming more and more comfortable with sharing the fact that the divorce is finalized and that i am single....
the thing is now that it's official, the most common response that i've been getting is
"and how do you feel about it?"
it sometimes prompts me to want to scream
"ELATED!"
"OVERWHELMINGLY HAPPY!"
"LIKE A MILLION BUCKS!"
but whenever someone asks me this, i just wonder to myself, what do they mean? should i feel any differently now than i have in the past?
do they expect me to feel differently? before it was official, whenever i was asked this question, my response has been the same: it's the best decision i've ever made. ever.
seriously! the BEST decision!
now that it's official, i'm only MORE AFFIRMED that this has been the best decision for me even if it was hard.
recently i've been attending an Early 20's Singles class at a local church and while i've enjoyed meeting the people and being introduced to other people my age, i have to say, that this group of people is full of misguided, naive and ultra-conservative folks. i haven't exactly spilled the beans that i'm a recent divorcee, mainly because it's none of their business, but also because i get the slightest, faintest feeling that they might just shun me or have me wear a scarlet letter "D" to any of their group meetings!!! ha!
on their singles ministry website they have a special note saying that this group is for people who are single and have never been married.........this is something that i choose to ignore. i would think that their "divorced" class would be filled with much older, much less easy to relate to people.....
anyway, i can only imagine what their responses would be if i were to out myself and just declare to the group "You guys are so so so narrow-minded! i'm a divorcee and i've never been more at peace with a decision in my life!" i'm sure that i'd get a response of "God didn't want you to get a divorce" and "There's no room for divorce in God's love" etc etc. but right now i'm flying below radar. just trying to enjoy being around other people who are in similar life situations....with similar beliefs....but i don't know how long i'll be able to hold my tongue in such settings anymore. i just feel like they need to be shaken up a little. they need to be reminded that Jesus would've been sharing meals with Hell's Angels, prostitutes, Marilyn Manson AND me, and He would never make us wear scarlet letters.
alright.
i know that was a little scatter-brained, but i've been needing to say something about something, so that was it.
OH,
and no word on the job interview, if she wants to interview me in the second round then i will find out on Thursday....i'd be super-stoked if i were to get a second interview (the company was really fresh, the staff was really young and smart, the dress was casual, etc....) but if i don't i'm sure that God has something else in mind for me....i just hope i am smart enough to recognize it when it happens....especially because i am thisclose to putting in my 2 weeks at the restaurant <--will explain this in a separate post soon.
the thing is now that it's official, the most common response that i've been getting is
"and how do you feel about it?"
it sometimes prompts me to want to scream
"ELATED!"
"OVERWHELMINGLY HAPPY!"
"LIKE A MILLION BUCKS!"
but whenever someone asks me this, i just wonder to myself, what do they mean? should i feel any differently now than i have in the past?
do they expect me to feel differently? before it was official, whenever i was asked this question, my response has been the same: it's the best decision i've ever made. ever.
seriously! the BEST decision!
now that it's official, i'm only MORE AFFIRMED that this has been the best decision for me even if it was hard.
recently i've been attending an Early 20's Singles class at a local church and while i've enjoyed meeting the people and being introduced to other people my age, i have to say, that this group of people is full of misguided, naive and ultra-conservative folks. i haven't exactly spilled the beans that i'm a recent divorcee, mainly because it's none of their business, but also because i get the slightest, faintest feeling that they might just shun me or have me wear a scarlet letter "D" to any of their group meetings!!! ha!
on their singles ministry website they have a special note saying that this group is for people who are single and have never been married.........this is something that i choose to ignore. i would think that their "divorced" class would be filled with much older, much less easy to relate to people.....
anyway, i can only imagine what their responses would be if i were to out myself and just declare to the group "You guys are so so so narrow-minded! i'm a divorcee and i've never been more at peace with a decision in my life!" i'm sure that i'd get a response of "God didn't want you to get a divorce" and "There's no room for divorce in God's love" etc etc. but right now i'm flying below radar. just trying to enjoy being around other people who are in similar life situations....with similar beliefs....but i don't know how long i'll be able to hold my tongue in such settings anymore. i just feel like they need to be shaken up a little. they need to be reminded that Jesus would've been sharing meals with Hell's Angels, prostitutes, Marilyn Manson AND me, and He would never make us wear scarlet letters.
alright.
i know that was a little scatter-brained, but i've been needing to say something about something, so that was it.
OH,
and no word on the job interview, if she wants to interview me in the second round then i will find out on Thursday....i'd be super-stoked if i were to get a second interview (the company was really fresh, the staff was really young and smart, the dress was casual, etc....) but if i don't i'm sure that God has something else in mind for me....i just hope i am smart enough to recognize it when it happens....especially because i am thisclose to putting in my 2 weeks at the restaurant <--will explain this in a separate post soon.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
hopefully hired.
i'm being a little presumptive.
but i do have an interview ****fingers crossed!**** Thursday at 3:30.......
i'm so tired of waiting tables that i just want to scream!
i could rant right now, but i'm trying to focus my energy on the positive thoughts about this interview!
i'm going to take the interview before i go into details about what the job is, but know this, if i get it, i won't be working for tips!
will post again soon!
but i do have an interview ****fingers crossed!**** Thursday at 3:30.......
i'm so tired of waiting tables that i just want to scream!
i could rant right now, but i'm trying to focus my energy on the positive thoughts about this interview!
i'm going to take the interview before i go into details about what the job is, but know this, if i get it, i won't be working for tips!
will post again soon!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
fired
yep.
i hated the job, and i knew it wouldn't be long before i needed to find another line of work in order to actually look forward to going to work everyday, but they pulled the trigger before i was able to find something else.
now i am back at the restaurant for lunch and dinner shifts.
what now?
i hated the job, and i knew it wouldn't be long before i needed to find another line of work in order to actually look forward to going to work everyday, but they pulled the trigger before i was able to find something else.
now i am back at the restaurant for lunch and dinner shifts.
what now?
Monday, April 21, 2008
not down, just out
it has been a long time since i sat down to write in this blog, a lot of things have happened:
1- Seth officially filed our unmarried papers. He sent them to me in the mail, and regardless of what the movies [Sweet Home Alabama] lead you to believe, there are no little tabs telling you where to sign, and when you leave the initial paperwork up to the un-husband, he will have to remember all the basics about your wedding day and it will only go to show that he did not do any of the planning otherwise he would have gotten the church's address right AND the county of the marriage license right too. i had to fix these errors, FLAG them and initial them and talk to him about how he "oops" it up.
2-as i signed those papers, those glorious papers, i made copies for my own files and i was in my cubicle at work, thinking to myself, "Wow. That makes it official." and usually at my desk i listen to Pandora Radio and i keep it on upbeat music or folksy stuff, stuff that i can listen to while not losing my focus. But this day, i had turned it off for some reason and the music from my neighbor's cubicle was floating over. and it was no coincidence that this is what i heard:
it was monumental. i felt like it was the perfect music for the mood that i was in, and my neighbor from whose cubicle it was emanating, had been a music major in college and told me that the name of the song was Carmina Burana. so, i Googled it and got a translation:
O Fortune,
like the moon
with its changing phases,
you are ever growing
and waning;
hateful life
first oppresses
and then soothes
as fancy takes it;
Poverty
and power
it melts them like ice.
Fate - monstrous
and empty,
you whirling wheel,
you are malevolent,
well-being is vain
and always fades to nothing.
Shadowed
and veiled
you plague me too;
now through the game
I bring my bare back
to your villainy.
When health
and virtue
are against me,
are only pain
and exhaustion,
forever in this vale of tears.
So at this hour
without delay
pluck the vibrating strings;
since Fate
strikes down the string man,
everyone weep with me!
and when i read those words, i reflected on my marriage and i felt the feelings of worthlessness and unloveability flood over me and i folded those official papers and i shoved them into the envelope with Seth's lawyer's name on it and i stuck a stamp on it and dropped it into the mail.
not anymore.
one step closer, one official step closer to being officially unmarried.
1- Seth officially filed our unmarried papers. He sent them to me in the mail, and regardless of what the movies [Sweet Home Alabama] lead you to believe, there are no little tabs telling you where to sign, and when you leave the initial paperwork up to the un-husband, he will have to remember all the basics about your wedding day and it will only go to show that he did not do any of the planning otherwise he would have gotten the church's address right AND the county of the marriage license right too. i had to fix these errors, FLAG them and initial them and talk to him about how he "oops" it up.
2-as i signed those papers, those glorious papers, i made copies for my own files and i was in my cubicle at work, thinking to myself, "Wow. That makes it official." and usually at my desk i listen to Pandora Radio and i keep it on upbeat music or folksy stuff, stuff that i can listen to while not losing my focus. But this day, i had turned it off for some reason and the music from my neighbor's cubicle was floating over. and it was no coincidence that this is what i heard:
it was monumental. i felt like it was the perfect music for the mood that i was in, and my neighbor from whose cubicle it was emanating, had been a music major in college and told me that the name of the song was Carmina Burana. so, i Googled it and got a translation:
O Fortune,
like the moon
with its changing phases,
you are ever growing
and waning;
hateful life
first oppresses
and then soothes
as fancy takes it;
Poverty
and power
it melts them like ice.
Fate - monstrous
and empty,
you whirling wheel,
you are malevolent,
well-being is vain
and always fades to nothing.
Shadowed
and veiled
you plague me too;
now through the game
I bring my bare back
to your villainy.
When health
and virtue
are against me,
are only pain
and exhaustion,
forever in this vale of tears.
So at this hour
without delay
pluck the vibrating strings;
since Fate
strikes down the string man,
everyone weep with me!
and when i read those words, i reflected on my marriage and i felt the feelings of worthlessness and unloveability flood over me and i folded those official papers and i shoved them into the envelope with Seth's lawyer's name on it and i stuck a stamp on it and dropped it into the mail.
not anymore.
one step closer, one official step closer to being officially unmarried.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
i need shoes
i need new shoes.
seriously, i have only one pair of shoes that are appropriate for dressing up for work. i think i wear them 3/5 days a week.
on fridays i can wear whatever i want b/c it's casual friday, but i need new shoes that are closed toes and medium height heels, but it seems whenever i go to the store i can't find a single pair that don't look like they were:
a) made for a 13 year old or
b) made for a prostitute or
c) made for a 13 year old prostitute?!
anyway......
maybe i should do some online window shopping so that i don't have to waste my time driving to the store to see what they have. yes. online window shopping it is.
now i have my new side-goal for life in the cubicle tomorrow. SHOES!
:)
seriously, i have only one pair of shoes that are appropriate for dressing up for work. i think i wear them 3/5 days a week.
on fridays i can wear whatever i want b/c it's casual friday, but i need new shoes that are closed toes and medium height heels, but it seems whenever i go to the store i can't find a single pair that don't look like they were:
a) made for a 13 year old or
b) made for a prostitute or
c) made for a 13 year old prostitute?!
anyway......
maybe i should do some online window shopping so that i don't have to waste my time driving to the store to see what they have. yes. online window shopping it is.
now i have my new side-goal for life in the cubicle tomorrow. SHOES!
:)
Friday, April 4, 2008
whirlwind
my life since i started my full-time job has definitely been a BIG change, and honestly, i'm not sure how i feel about it.
gotta be honest:
i don't like sitting all day.
i don't like sitting in a cubicle all day.
i don't like sitting in a cubicle all day talking to people on the phone.
i don't like sitting in a cubicle all day talking to people on the phone without talking to hardly anyone else in person.
sucks.
what's worse is that my cube is so far deep into the room that, if i didn't have to ask my co-workers' any questions about the procedures i wouldn't know what the weather was like outside.
it's a little depressing.
also,
i don't have time to blog or read blogs.
and it makes me sad.
:(
also. i missed one day of work, i missed 30 minutes of work another day, and according to the employee handbook, if i am late or miss work one more time until April 1 2009 TWO-THOUSAND-NINE, i can be terminated.
awesome.
i've not even been there a month, and i'm on my "final warning". Shit.
gotta be honest:
i don't like sitting all day.
i don't like sitting in a cubicle all day.
i don't like sitting in a cubicle all day talking to people on the phone.
i don't like sitting in a cubicle all day talking to people on the phone without talking to hardly anyone else in person.
sucks.
what's worse is that my cube is so far deep into the room that, if i didn't have to ask my co-workers' any questions about the procedures i wouldn't know what the weather was like outside.
it's a little depressing.
also,
i don't have time to blog or read blogs.
and it makes me sad.
:(
also. i missed one day of work, i missed 30 minutes of work another day, and according to the employee handbook, if i am late or miss work one more time until April 1 2009 TWO-THOUSAND-NINE, i can be terminated.
awesome.
i've not even been there a month, and i'm on my "final warning". Shit.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
ovarian cysts and lack of sleep=exhausted
after a few weeks of being in on-again/off-again agony, Carla went to the Emergency Room yesterday, i joined her after i got off from work, and it turns out, she was in excruciating pain because she has 2 large ovarian cysts.
crazy huh? yeah. the weirdest part is that even though they said that they'll have to operate in order to help them go away, they discharged her last night (Tuesday) and told her to come back on Friday for the operation. her question, and mine too, was mainly, what did they expect her to do all day Wednesday and Thursday?
she is literally in constant pain, and the pain medicine doesn't really cut it, and she can't really sleep or lay down.
it's crazy, and we don't know how serious it is yet, but nonetheless it's scary. scary scary scary.
on top of that, my new job has been overwhelming, but in a good way.
there is an upside and a downside to the new job:
-upside-
money, feeling more secure, less time to sit and dwell on my unmarried-ness.
-downside-
not a morning person, people at work are nice but no one talks to one another, add in the waitressing job on the side and i'm super tired.
the biggest downside is that i don't have time to blog.......
crazy huh? yeah. the weirdest part is that even though they said that they'll have to operate in order to help them go away, they discharged her last night (Tuesday) and told her to come back on Friday for the operation. her question, and mine too, was mainly, what did they expect her to do all day Wednesday and Thursday?
she is literally in constant pain, and the pain medicine doesn't really cut it, and she can't really sleep or lay down.
it's crazy, and we don't know how serious it is yet, but nonetheless it's scary. scary scary scary.
on top of that, my new job has been overwhelming, but in a good way.
there is an upside and a downside to the new job:
-upside-
money, feeling more secure, less time to sit and dwell on my unmarried-ness.
-downside-
not a morning person, people at work are nice but no one talks to one another, add in the waitressing job on the side and i'm super tired.
the biggest downside is that i don't have time to blog.......
Monday, March 10, 2008
long ass day
i shouldn't have stayed up as late as i did last night when i knew that i had to get up as early as i did for my first day at work this morning [i was like a kid on Christmas Eve, SO nervous but excited and hoping to hear the magical clicks of reindeer hooves (paychecks) on the roof].
luckily, i made it to work on time, seeing as to the way that i am perpetually late for everything and will find a way to make myself 8 minutes late for a meeting that i got up for over 3 hours beforehand [i piddle around].
i filled out a TON of paperwork and sat with the Human Resources lady for over an hour and a half listening to her explain the mountain of paperwork [insurance, dental, absences, paid time-off, tardiness, disability, etc...]
it was just me and her in a tiny conference room at a big table, looking through the stacks of papers. yawn.
then i had lunch with my boss, which was SO great. Lacy is really a competent and intelligent woman, but luckily her humor is still in tact as well, meaning that when we were at the restaurant [using the Corporate card] she said that she thought the waiter was cute and that he was totally flirting with me! i can tell already that she is a keeper! [Lord please don't let me have to eat my words later!]
then we headed back to the ole workplace and i had to sit through an agonizing session about this specific information system that we use, which while it was helpful, was dreadfully dull and i kept thinking, tomorrow i need to drink coffee, tomorrow coffee is a requirement.
the end of the workday came quickly after that boring computer session, and overall i had a great day at my new job. i love to learn new things, and on top of that, i am PSYCHED to decorate my cubicle. it might sound lame, but really, i'm excited to decorate it.
OH, and when i called the restaurant to tell them i was on my way, they didn't need me after all, which meant that i promptly came home, got in Carla's bed and took a 6-8pm nap.
WHEW!
now i just have to do it all again tomorrow, and the day after that and the day after that........
luckily, i made it to work on time, seeing as to the way that i am perpetually late for everything and will find a way to make myself 8 minutes late for a meeting that i got up for over 3 hours beforehand [i piddle around].
i filled out a TON of paperwork and sat with the Human Resources lady for over an hour and a half listening to her explain the mountain of paperwork [insurance, dental, absences, paid time-off, tardiness, disability, etc...]
it was just me and her in a tiny conference room at a big table, looking through the stacks of papers. yawn.
then i had lunch with my boss, which was SO great. Lacy is really a competent and intelligent woman, but luckily her humor is still in tact as well, meaning that when we were at the restaurant [using the Corporate card] she said that she thought the waiter was cute and that he was totally flirting with me! i can tell already that she is a keeper! [Lord please don't let me have to eat my words later!]
then we headed back to the ole workplace and i had to sit through an agonizing session about this specific information system that we use, which while it was helpful, was dreadfully dull and i kept thinking, tomorrow i need to drink coffee, tomorrow coffee is a requirement.
the end of the workday came quickly after that boring computer session, and overall i had a great day at my new job. i love to learn new things, and on top of that, i am PSYCHED to decorate my cubicle. it might sound lame, but really, i'm excited to decorate it.
OH, and when i called the restaurant to tell them i was on my way, they didn't need me after all, which meant that i promptly came home, got in Carla's bed and took a 6-8pm nap.
WHEW!
now i just have to do it all again tomorrow, and the day after that and the day after that........
first day jitters
i am SO nervous about my first day at my real job!!!!!!
i am sure that there are not going to be dragons or warfare or ninjas hiding under my desk, but i am just nervous about how i'll be dressed [business casual], and if i filled out my paperwork correctly [my last name is going to be changing in less than 2 months AND i filed Single]......
so the butterflies are fluttering a little bit in my stomach this morning, and i also don't know what i'll have to eat this morning or if i have time to eat something. clearly, i found time to blog, but i am not sure if i will make time to eat.......!!!!!!!
anyway,
i am sure i will blog about it first thing when i get home this evening....which is after i go to the restaurant to work a dinner shift............yes, i'm keeping the 2 jobs, at least for a little while, i love the restaurant.
wish me luck!
i am sure that there are not going to be dragons or warfare or ninjas hiding under my desk, but i am just nervous about how i'll be dressed [business casual], and if i filled out my paperwork correctly [my last name is going to be changing in less than 2 months AND i filed Single]......
so the butterflies are fluttering a little bit in my stomach this morning, and i also don't know what i'll have to eat this morning or if i have time to eat something. clearly, i found time to blog, but i am not sure if i will make time to eat.......!!!!!!!
anyway,
i am sure i will blog about it first thing when i get home this evening....which is after i go to the restaurant to work a dinner shift............yes, i'm keeping the 2 jobs, at least for a little while, i love the restaurant.
wish me luck!
Sunday, February 24, 2008
up and at 'em
being sick on Tuesday and Wednesday really threw my week out of whack.
i missed my second interview with the company that i want to be hired with because i was still so sick and feeling pretty gross on Wednesday afternoon. Luckily, we had no problem rescheduling, as the guy who was to conduct my interview had also come down with feeling like a zombie.
by Thursday i was out of bed and functioning enough to work a double-shift at the restaurant in order to make up for lost time and lost money. even though my left ear was and still is a little clogged and hard to hear from, standing up didn't make me feel like a sailor being tossed at sea anymore, so i managed to make it through a very long day.
my second interview was rescheduled for Friday morning at 9:00 am. the bad news was that i was a little late for it because having one clogged ear meant that i semi-slept through my alarm. but i called ahead and assured myself and them that i was not a flake, that i was on my way, and that i would still be getting the job.
i got there at 9:10, and within 3 minutes, Richard, the guy who would be my boss's boss was shaking my hand and telling me that he was so glad to finally meet me and that he hoped i was feeling better.
the interview was a little more formal that my previous interview with Lacy. i felt like i stayed on subject and found the right words to promote how awesome i am. i carried myself with confidence and poise and made sure that my personality was still quite evident as well.
by 10:30 the interview was over and i had to rush to get to my restaurant job for another double-shift. i didn't know how they would contact me at all to tell me how my interview went, and so i didn't look for any phone calls while i worked, i just kept my mind occupied. at 3:00 i was given an hour and a half to go and take some time off, so i came back to the house and checked my 'job application' email.
nothing.
i checked my regular email and still found nothing. but i realized that i had a missed phone call, so i listened to the voicemail and lo and behold it was Lacy. There was no joy in her voice and her message was very vague. "Lisa, this is Lacy. If you would please return my phone call, thank you."
eeek. my heart sank. i dialed her number, then her extension and when she picked up the phone i said, "Hi Lacy, this is Lisa Wright, you needed to speak with me?"
she said, "Hi Lisa, yes I needed to speak with you as Richard and I have discussed your application and have decided to ask if you would like to accept the position."
me: "YES! i would LOVE to accept the position"
she went on to explain that i will be starting on March 10, and a few other things not worth typing out, but ladies and gentlemen, your friend just landed her first real job with real salary and real benefits in a BOOK PUBLISHING setting and i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy that i could just burst!
i GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i thought i had to share, thank you for all of your support and love! :)
i missed my second interview with the company that i want to be hired with because i was still so sick and feeling pretty gross on Wednesday afternoon. Luckily, we had no problem rescheduling, as the guy who was to conduct my interview had also come down with feeling like a zombie.
by Thursday i was out of bed and functioning enough to work a double-shift at the restaurant in order to make up for lost time and lost money. even though my left ear was and still is a little clogged and hard to hear from, standing up didn't make me feel like a sailor being tossed at sea anymore, so i managed to make it through a very long day.
my second interview was rescheduled for Friday morning at 9:00 am. the bad news was that i was a little late for it because having one clogged ear meant that i semi-slept through my alarm. but i called ahead and assured myself and them that i was not a flake, that i was on my way, and that i would still be getting the job.
i got there at 9:10, and within 3 minutes, Richard, the guy who would be my boss's boss was shaking my hand and telling me that he was so glad to finally meet me and that he hoped i was feeling better.
the interview was a little more formal that my previous interview with Lacy. i felt like i stayed on subject and found the right words to promote how awesome i am. i carried myself with confidence and poise and made sure that my personality was still quite evident as well.
by 10:30 the interview was over and i had to rush to get to my restaurant job for another double-shift. i didn't know how they would contact me at all to tell me how my interview went, and so i didn't look for any phone calls while i worked, i just kept my mind occupied. at 3:00 i was given an hour and a half to go and take some time off, so i came back to the house and checked my 'job application' email.
nothing.
i checked my regular email and still found nothing. but i realized that i had a missed phone call, so i listened to the voicemail and lo and behold it was Lacy. There was no joy in her voice and her message was very vague. "Lisa, this is Lacy. If you would please return my phone call, thank you."
eeek. my heart sank. i dialed her number, then her extension and when she picked up the phone i said, "Hi Lacy, this is Lisa Wright, you needed to speak with me?"
she said, "Hi Lisa, yes I needed to speak with you as Richard and I have discussed your application and have decided to ask if you would like to accept the position."
me: "YES! i would LOVE to accept the position"
she went on to explain that i will be starting on March 10, and a few other things not worth typing out, but ladies and gentlemen, your friend just landed her first real job with real salary and real benefits in a BOOK PUBLISHING setting and i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy that i could just burst!
i GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i thought i had to share, thank you for all of your support and love! :)
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
in the bag
THE INTERVIEW:
the fact that my interview today was my very first interview for a professional, full-time, benefits included j-o-b should have been a factor in my nervousness beforehand, but honestly, i felt really fine.
i got my resume and references together, grabbed some blank paper and a pen, put them in a folder, got in the car and drove the 10 minutes to get there. i parked, checked in with the secretary, and within 5 minutes, i was shaking hands with a very pleasant woman named Lacy.
Lacy is actually the person who would be my boss if i were hired. She asked me about 10 different questions: Why do you want to get into this buisness? What personality traits would make you a good representative for our company? How would you describe our company and our products to someone who hasn't heard of it before? What kind of boss do you work well with? What kind of environment do you see yourself being most productive in?
so i answered her questions, making sure that i was thorough without talking endlessly. i also made sure that i presented myself well, being honest about my strengths and weaknesses. even as i sat there, i thought to myself, i have totally got this job.
i really don't like to be cocky, i don't like to come across as some arrogant jerk who thinks too highly of herself. but sometimes, i just get that feeling. i don't often like to say it out loud because then i may be disappointed if things don't work out and/or i may have to eat my words, etc. but seriously. i think i have this job in the bag.
by the time i left i felt like i had connected with Lacy enough to know that if she could've she would've hired me right on the spot. too bad i have to go back for another interview with Lacy's boss Richard in order to be hired for real.
oh well, that's just another interview i'll ace.
i forgot to mention that this job is in book publishing! my first love! reading! :)
:) today was a great day!
***i've been messing with the layout/colors/everything a little too much for one day, so although i am not totally thrilled with this final result, i think i am going to keep it this way for a while until i can assess it further.
the fact that my interview today was my very first interview for a professional, full-time, benefits included j-o-b should have been a factor in my nervousness beforehand, but honestly, i felt really fine.
i got my resume and references together, grabbed some blank paper and a pen, put them in a folder, got in the car and drove the 10 minutes to get there. i parked, checked in with the secretary, and within 5 minutes, i was shaking hands with a very pleasant woman named Lacy.
Lacy is actually the person who would be my boss if i were hired. She asked me about 10 different questions: Why do you want to get into this buisness? What personality traits would make you a good representative for our company? How would you describe our company and our products to someone who hasn't heard of it before? What kind of boss do you work well with? What kind of environment do you see yourself being most productive in?
so i answered her questions, making sure that i was thorough without talking endlessly. i also made sure that i presented myself well, being honest about my strengths and weaknesses. even as i sat there, i thought to myself, i have totally got this job.
i really don't like to be cocky, i don't like to come across as some arrogant jerk who thinks too highly of herself. but sometimes, i just get that feeling. i don't often like to say it out loud because then i may be disappointed if things don't work out and/or i may have to eat my words, etc. but seriously. i think i have this job in the bag.
by the time i left i felt like i had connected with Lacy enough to know that if she could've she would've hired me right on the spot. too bad i have to go back for another interview with Lacy's boss Richard in order to be hired for real.
oh well, that's just another interview i'll ace.
i forgot to mention that this job is in book publishing! my first love! reading! :)
:) today was a great day!
***i've been messing with the layout/colors/everything a little too much for one day, so although i am not totally thrilled with this final result, i think i am going to keep it this way for a while until i can assess it further.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)