wordle

this is a wordle from my post about being 23 yr old divorcee and being a Christian.

i just love seeing all my words floating around.
it makes it feel less sharp, and more productive.

i love how small the word 'doubt' is, how healing is right at the heart of it, and how devastation is the first word and hope is the last word i see when i skim from left to right.

3 weddings in 2008

a real wedding, a fake wedding, and a fast wedding:

the real one was the one that i wrote about earlier this year, the one in which hijinks and hilarity ensued.

the fake one was the one that i went to yesterday, the one where the couple has been married for a year and a half but "needed" to have a church ceremony.

and the fast one is one that i will be going to (not a part of) in November, i say fast because they got engaged Aug 4 and their wedding date is Nov 22.

a little more about the fake one:

i say fake for several reasons 1-they eloped to Las Vegas over a year and a half ago and have already been officially & legally married since then. 2-i don't really think they love each other. she needed a reason to move to America and become a U.S. citizen. i'm betting that it doesn't last very long once she's officially a real 'Merican. i also say this because i know for a fact that her husband is a creepy, perverted, repressed douchebag and is not someone worth marrying. 3-it was super lame.

it was a Catholic ceremony, the first Catholic ceremony that i've ever been to. needless to say i was a little lost, but i was sitting with a friend who is Catholic (albeit she hadn't been to church in over 10 years)....and she was able to help me navigate through. i noticed that the bride and groom weren't even touching each other, much less looking at each other, and so i asked my friend if that was part of the custom. she said that it was, and that they would eventually be prompted to hold hands by the priest....but even once the big P told them to hold hands, etc, they looked uncomfortable with each other. i don't know, it was very very telling.

funny note: they had Communion, with real wine (my church uses grape juice and we don't really believe that we are drinking blood and eating flesh), and while i refrained from partaking in the sacrament b/c i'm not Catholic and didn't want to offend anyone. but what cracked me up was when Communion was over and the kid (he looked to be just about 21) who was helping the priest had to drink the rest of wine. almost no one took Communion, so he was up there, just drinking away. and it cracked me up!! so funny. to me....anyway.

at the dinner after the ceremony, i sat with one friend, but we were sitting beside 2 strangers. as we got to know these two stranger ladies that were seated beside us, i came to find out that the girl beside me was married, unhappily married. it didn't take long before i just enlightened her on my life post-unmarriedment. and she was enthralled. she was like, everything you're saying is something i have thought over and over for the past year and a half...... i gave her my number and my email address, she said she felt bad for talking about divorce at a wedding reception. but i told her that there's never a bad time to be honest about stuff. and as many people as we know getting married, there are going to be unhappy couples. it's just the statistics..

i'm looking forward to the 'fast' wedding in November. although their engagement is going to be short, i'm sure that their wedding will be simple but fun! they've dated for over a year and he's a preacher and she's a teacher. yes, they are also innately cheesy folks, but i absolutely adore this girl and i know that she is really going to be happy with her man.

as far as i know i should only have 3 weddings for 2008...on the docket for 2009, i've got 2 weddings already: May and July.....i wonder how many more there will be!

the hard parts.

i know that i should be happy that my friends came over for my birthday party this past Saturday, AND that there were over 20 people that showed up for it.

i know that it was pretty great for my grandfather, dad, mother, sisters and Carla to call me on my actual birthday.

i know that it was great for my new job's family to have the babies sing happy birthday to me.


but the hard part was coming home to an empty house at 5:15 with absolutely no actual birth-day plans.

the hard part was not getting a call from Jeannie (who hasn't spoken or typed or txted a single word to me since her wedding in JANUARY, don't know why?!) or from Ray, or from my Mentor.....

the hard part was realizing that i have spent my last 8 years with a significant other in my life. seriously, since 2000 i had a boyfriend/fiance/husband on my birthday. so even if my friends might have let me down (for various reasons, school starting, moving in, moving away, etc. i think that having a mid-august birthday can be just as annoying as a mid-december birthday b/c it gets lost in the shuffle) i could avoid having feelings of disappointment by having a boyfriend who would take me on a date.

the hard part was realizing that as much as my family loves me, besides Sophie, i haven't seen any of them for weeks and none of them really have made an effort to come and visit me. birthdays aren't really all that big in my family. at most we might go out to eat, but there haven't really been 'presents' for a very long time. and certainly no birthday parties. it's just kind of disappointing when you know that your Dad loves you but didn't call until after 5pm, and even then, we only talked for 2 minutes. yes, literally 2 minutes, i just checked it. he did send an e-card, but even that was disappointing.

the hard part was realizing that on his birthday a week and a half ago, i sent Seth a simple, friendly email that said "happy birthday, i hope you are well". and i know, that he knew that it was my birthday yesterday, and yet, nothin. i guess that cutting me completely off is part of his coping mechanism, but damn, really? we were together for 5 years. geez louise.

the hard part was waking up at the ass-crack of dawn to go watch other people's beautiful children, in their ideal, incredible home, with pictures from their wedding day everywhere, feeling dead on my feet b/c i was so tired (i am NOT functional before 9 am).....and getting home right at 5:15 only to realize that the only immediate plans i had were to take a nap.

the hard part was realizing that dwelling on all of these things was just making me resent being alone on my birthday. so i made some plans, went out and played pool for a couple of hours, and made the best of it.


hilarious side note: i really dislike my grandmother. she sent me a card to say Happy Birthday and to remind me that my birthday present was the car payment that she mistakingly paid for me in July (she cosigned for me, my payment was late [for the first time in 3 years] and so she paid $200 for CarMax to stop calling her.) i will be paying her back as soon as i can cover my bills and make up for some late credit card payments.

my birfday

today is my birthday!



i am currently spending it alone (am i okay with this? maybe. i haven't decided. i'm trying to avoid feeling lonely...)


i'm 24. eep!


Carla isn't even here for my birthday, because unfortunately, her Grandpa died on Monday! sad sad sad!

first day joyfulness

i am usually quick to jump to conclusions about the new things in my life, i.e.:

"i love my new job"-i was fired 5 weeks later.
"getting married is the next step for sure"-well, we all know this didn't exactly pan out.
"this guy is awesome and i think i can get serious with him"-most single guys are douchebags....and it takes too long to sort them out [they should wear nametags: "Hello! I'm James, (Douchebag)"


but today i had my first day on my new nanny job and i really really enjoyed it a LOT. i don't want to make any grandiose statements like "I love it and want to do it forever..." or "It's PERFECT", but today did go really really well.

last fall when i was still married, i was a nanny for a family with a 2 1/2 year old and a 1 year old and it was SO challenging.

first of all they didn't have a very big home, so i rotated from the kitchen to the living room to the upstairs kid's room and somedays i was inside their house from 8 am to 6 pm and it made me crazy.

secondly, the dad worked from home, so he was always in the next room, which had its upsides, but definitely made me feel like i was being chaperoned on my own job.

thirdly they had a LOT of restrictions for their kids, like organic foods, no tv, closed circuit tv baby monitors (so i could actually watch the kids take naps w/o being in the room, it always made me feel creepy)......

the family that i started with today has very similar guidelines, like the fresh foods, nothing fried, no tv, but they're more relaxed about things like no baby monitors i just have to keep an ear out, no coddling (it makes the kids much more mature and accepting about things if they don't go their way, it's hard but it really helps them understand SO much more!)

and at the end of the day, when the mom came home, the baby didn't want me to leave! which was GREAT because she normally has a hard time adjusting to people! it was so precious to be missed before i'd even gone out the door!

while i am avoiding saying that i had a super-awesome-great day, i really enjoyed my first day on the new job and i am actually looking forward to waking up at an ungodly hour tomorrow to face my second day! yippy!

re-adjusting

definitely gonna have to readjust my sleeping patterns now that my work week is 7:30a-5p Monday through Thursday! AND i'm gonna have to start getting things done when i get home in the afternoon.

i'd like to work in time to read the books i'm in the middle of (still haven't finished the divorce book even though i am itching to!) and i need to DEFINITELY schedule in some work-out time (considering i had to peel my jeans off tonight, literally, peel, it made me feel disgusting).....


i'm just going to have to do a lot of readjusting, especially because it's something i've always struggled with, time management. bluh! i hate growing up.


alright.

i have to be at my new nanny job in 8 hours........must sleep............now!


(will tell more about the job in the next post, promise!)

prolonged singleness

let's review:

first boyfriend, the Outcast: dated from March 1999-May 1999 (9th grade!!!). broke up with him b/c he wanted to put his hand up my shirt and he wasn't a Christian (said i was weak because i was a Christian).

singleness: lasted from May to July, approximately 2 months.

second boyfriend, the Jock: dated from July 1999-February 2000. broke up a few days before Valentines. found out he was dating someone new one week later.

singleness: lasted from Feb 2000 to May 2000, approximately 2 months.

third boyfriend, the Heart-Throb: dated from March 2001-March 2002. but we practically dated from May 2000 to April 2002. he was my first real love, but he was too needy, and unfortunately, now he's a tool! why do the good ones go rotten?

singleness: lasted from April 2002 to June 2002, approximately 2 months.

fourth boyfriend, the OverKill Christian: dated from June 2002-September 2002. i knew he was an outspoken conservative Christian when we met, but seriously, you have never seen someone so naive to the real world. broke up with him over dinner in the cafeteria at college.

singleness: lasted from September 2002 to January 2003, approximately 4 months.

fifth boyfriend, i.e. the Unhusband: dated from 2003 to 2005, got engaged, engaged for a year, then married in June 2006. married for a year and 4 months, ended October 2007. total togetherness: 5 years almost.

singleness: lasted from October 2007 to March 2008, approximately 5 months (which was best because i was a MESS)

sixth boyfriend, the Depresso: dated from March 2008 to May 2008. i think he was definitely my "rebound" boyfriend. what was i thinking? i knew nothing about him!

currently single after that lame break-up.

do you notice the pattern that i do? i am usually only single for 2-4 months and then i'm off the market indeterminably. i recognized this pattern and shared my concern with my ever-so-fabulous roommate Carla, and we both think it might be interesting for me to be single for a while, just to see what happens.

i never really thought i was one of those women who "doesn't like to be alone", but looking at that pattern, it makes me feel like a cheesy, overly dependent wuss-woman. i'm kind of excited to see what i can come up with when left to my own devices for more than a few months.........and it's kind of nice to keep my options open for a bit. it doesn't mean i won't enjoy the men that are in my life, but i just won't be tying myself down for a while.

the unofficial game-plan 08-09

so,

i accepted a nanny position, hopefully it will work out so that i can work with this family until the end of next July.

and hopefully by the end of next July i will have gotten a NC Teacher's certification so that i can qualify for a lateral-entry teaching position.

that, my dear friends, is the unofficial gameplan.

it took a lot of thought and prayer and assessment, but i really do think that i will be happy as a nanny while i save some money and help enrich the lives of two beautiful kids, and i think that i will ultimately be happy if i am a teacher as well.

i'm also thinking i might add some online courses to try and get my Master's in Creative Writing....oh, all these dreams are just adding up!

8 things? only 8? ok!

my new friend Millie has tagged me to do a me-me of listing 8 things that i want to do before i die.


alright Millie, you asked for it. :)

8: live in a treehouse. swiss family robinson style.

7: visit Kakadu National Park in Australia, it was on NOVA 'Living Edens' on PBS when i was in 10 grade and it's been on my list ever since.

6: read the entire Bible, even the begats.

5: meet Oprah Winfrey (hopefully when she deals with my #1 list topper)

4: be asked to sing at a friend's wedding. hopefully after i've taken some serious voice lessons. *this is really 2 hopes combined into one list item.

3: join a pool league. i LOVE to play pool. i don't care if i totally don't fit in because i have all my teeth and i don't smoke, i love going to the dankest pool halls and playing pool for hours.

2: have children. i've always always always known that i am going to be the best mom ever.

1: write a bestseller and have it win awards like "Best New Author" etc. etc. :) DREAM BIG!


i'll tag who i want, but not right now......will come later....

hook me up Jesus

alright.

so.

tonight at work,

i put in,

my 2 weeks notice.

last day will be Friday the 15.


alright Jesus.

i'm ready for whatever You're lining up.


i hope it's gooooooooood!

what to say.....

i am becoming more and more comfortable with sharing the fact that the divorce is finalized and that i am single....

the thing is now that it's official, the most common response that i've been getting is

"and how do you feel about it?"

it sometimes prompts me to want to scream

"ELATED!"

"OVERWHELMINGLY HAPPY!"

"LIKE A MILLION BUCKS!"

but whenever someone asks me this, i just wonder to myself, what do they mean? should i feel any differently now than i have in the past?

do they expect me to feel differently? before it was official, whenever i was asked this question, my response has been the same: it's the best decision i've ever made. ever.

seriously! the BEST decision!

now that it's official, i'm only MORE AFFIRMED that this has been the best decision for me even if it was hard.


recently i've been attending an Early 20's Singles class at a local church and while i've enjoyed meeting the people and being introduced to other people my age, i have to say, that this group of people is full of misguided, naive and ultra-conservative folks. i haven't exactly spilled the beans that i'm a recent divorcee, mainly because it's none of their business, but also because i get the slightest, faintest feeling that they might just shun me or have me wear a scarlet letter "D" to any of their group meetings!!! ha!

on their singles ministry website they have a special note saying that this group is for people who are single and have never been married.........this is something that i choose to ignore. i would think that their "divorced" class would be filled with much older, much less easy to relate to people.....

anyway, i can only imagine what their responses would be if i were to out myself and just declare to the group "You guys are so so so narrow-minded! i'm a divorcee and i've never been more at peace with a decision in my life!" i'm sure that i'd get a response of "God didn't want you to get a divorce" and "There's no room for divorce in God's love" etc etc. but right now i'm flying below radar. just trying to enjoy being around other people who are in similar life situations....with similar beliefs....but i don't know how long i'll be able to hold my tongue in such settings anymore. i just feel like they need to be shaken up a little. they need to be reminded that Jesus would've been sharing meals with Hell's Angels, prostitutes, Marilyn Manson AND me, and He would never make us wear scarlet letters.

alright.

i know that was a little scatter-brained, but i've been needing to say something about something, so that was it.

OH,

and no word on the job interview, if she wants to interview me in the second round then i will find out on Thursday....i'd be super-stoked if i were to get a second interview (the company was really fresh, the staff was really young and smart, the dress was casual, etc....) but if i don't i'm sure that God has something else in mind for me....i just hope i am smart enough to recognize it when it happens....especially because i am thisclose to putting in my 2 weeks at the restaurant <--will explain this in a separate post soon.

o-f-f-i-c-i-a-l

the UNMARRIEDMENT was OFFICIAL as of Monday July 28, 2008.



NOW IT IS TIME FOR CELEBRATION!!!!!