something better

something better is coming.

i am working on a longer post, it's taking me some time to think on things before i go typing and hitting PUBLISH POST.

there is a lot of uncertainty in my life right now (especially considering that i am looking for employment alongside 100.000+ others in America!!!!) but i have a strange strange peace about it. i am trying to keep my eyes on the silver lining right now and trying to salvage whatever good has come out of the past few years and focusing on that.

i am ridiculously optimistic because i have finally realized that it is not up to me at all! ha! control? what control?!

book.

i want to write a book.

about divorce.

and Christianity.

that is all for now.

unemployed

i lost my job on monday.

apparently they were looking for someone new and gave me no notice.

i am glad that Tuesday was full of snow and Obama-rama.

today i spent time with people who made me feel valued and loved, esp b/c my friend Simon watched "Beaches" with me.

now that is the sign of a true friend, although, he didn't cry. i have seen that movie at least 20 times and i cry every time. now onto praying for whatever is next. i can't be unemployed for very long, my bills won't pay themselves. bah!

little things

i am sure that i am not the only one who has experienced this, but it is fun none-the-less to share.

because i have had to get my named legally changed back to my maiden name, there have been a few recent phone call conversations with bill-paying or insurance renewal and i have been seeking how to get my name changed on my cards/bills/etc.

when i talk to the person on the other end of the line and say, "I need to have my name changed to Lisa Wright", most of the time, without missing a beat, the person on the other end of the line is like "well Congratulations!" thinking that i am having my name changed because i just got married.

i usually have this thought while saying "thank you very, very much" [SUCKAAAAAAAAH, you don't know that you just congratulated me for something that NOBODY wants to say congratulations for, but i will TAKE it!]

s'funny

it's funny when you are jolted awake by your roommate at 6:20 am.

Carla:
Leeeese! I heard crying outside and I am too scared to go to my car.

me:
whuaa?

Carla:
I hear noises every morning and sometimes it spooks me out, but I was just in the kitchen and that noise was RIGHT outside. I cannot open the door and knowingly go outside.

me:
[jumps out of bed, pulls some pants on]
okay.

we walk downstairs, open the front door, there is nothing to be noted. one of our neighbors is walking to his car, a few houses down. no explanations for the 'crying' noise.

Carla:
okay, thanks. sorry to wake you up.

me:
buuuuuuuuuuh. [zombie noise]

as i climbed the stairs back to my room, i shuttle my cat back into the room so that i can lock the door. then i promptly got scared.

it wouldn't have gotten to me except that Carla had described it as 'crying'. something is 'beeping', something is 'banging', something is 'knocking', those i could deal with.

crying? i don't do ghosts or wild animals with creepy noises. also in this category would be any type of neighbor who takes their morning walk to cry on our porch. so yeah, then i started freaking out.

this is when i wish there was a man in the house, so that he can change my oil and go scare the weeping ghosts from our front porch. boo!

i guess i missed the memo

what i sent:

Seth,

i tried calling you and i left a message but i wasn't sure if you'd gotten it or not. anyhoo, i was hoping to catch up, hear how you are doing. anyway, i won't take too much of your time, just wanted to say happy 2009. hope to hear from you.

-lisa

what he wrote back (a day after i sent mine):

lisa,

Things are going well for me here. My job has turned into a career path and I am getting to do some traveling with it as well. I have adjusted well here and have made many friends. Beaux is doing great. I get to climb a good bit now and am enjoying the different seasons for different types of climbing. I appreciate the good wishes and wish the same for you. I really do not think it is healthy for either of us to maintain contact with one another. I hope that you find your path in life and are able to find happiness in whatever you choose to do.

-Seth


i wanted to yell and push him down [old-school style like we were little kids]. i wanted to write a snappy quip back, i wanted him to know that i wouldn't have contacted him AT ALL had i known that he didn't think it was healthy for us to 'maintain contact' with one another. again, he made that decision and didn't tell me, and somehow i am supposed to read his mind?

so yeah.

just needed to vent a little.

electronic mail

i e-mailed Seth today to 'catch up'. i had tried calling him a few weeks ago, and i had tried not to slip up and look at his facebook page anymore, but i'm super nosey i guess. completely non-nostalgic, i just want to hear that he's doing okay. anyhoo. i kept it super-breezy, and i sent it at like, 7:00, and he hasn't respsonded.

i guess i know that he doesn't even have to respond, it'd just be nice to hear from him. i don't really know that i can pinpoint the real exact reason i may have emailed him, but bah, it's too late now!

i will keep you updated if he gets back to me.

must sleep. work will be hard if i don't.

simmering

as this is my first post in the new year, i have started and discarded several attempts at voicing my thoughts. i just want to write something that i am not going to look back on and think "i was so dumb."

i'm not making any resolutions this year, save for one exception:
i will not blame 2008 for being shiteous, i will only blame myself, and i resolve not to do this again for 2009.

i will own my year.

since the day my marriage started in 2006 and subsequent decline, to the announcement of my parent's divorce, to graduate school fiasco, to moving everything 3 times in 3 months and returning to my mom's house and being single again and moving to Raleigh, and getting and losing a 'real job' and taking 2 dead-end jobs back to back for all of 2007/2008, i sometimes like to refer to 2006-2008 as the 'shit-storm'. but really, honestly, i have to be realistic with myself.

the only common denominator between all of those years was me.

and so, as 2009 begins, i want to own my year. i want to know that:

i did what i could,
i worked as hard as i could,
i loved as hard as i could,
i friended those who needed me,
i spent time taking care of me,
i laughed hard,
i cried when i needed to,
i slept deeply,
i indulged and withdrew when applicable,
i hugged as many people as possible,
i did cannonballs and splashed with childlike glee,
i smiled til my face hurt...

all the factors that contribute to the lasting impression that a 'year' makes are the factors that i allow to leave an impression. the truth about life is that it's all in how you remember it.

there is no reason for 2009 to be any different, except that i have realized the key to changing my pattern:

i am the common denominator, i have to be the difference i want to see in my year. nobody is going to do it for me, i cannot wait for the strings to be pulled in my favor, i have to go out and do what needs to be done and i need to take some control over the factors that i allow to dominate my year, and i have to be prayerful and immersed in God's word and power in order to have clarity in my pursuits.

first on the docket: job.