tonight i went to my first Divorce Care class. if you don't know what it is, it's basically a support group for people going through or finished with separation or divorce, but with a Christian faith based curriculum and video series.
believe me when i say that i was wary of the class, especially because the videos on the website are SO circa 1986, but i have been looking forward to being around other people that are going through similar situations in their lives so i gave it a chance and went.
i will say that the video was borderline "how old is this footage?!" but in the end i was really happy to sit through it and to take notes during it [i love taking notes. i am such a school nerd].
it touched on so many of the thoughts i've been having, and of course, made me cry like a baby as i processed what it talked about. i will post more later as i review my notes.
meanwhile, i have had a shitstorm of trouble with my car - registration, inspection, insurance. etc. don't even get me started on that topic.
so much to process.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
life together
i am so happy to have friends in Raleigh.
i have always had friends, i've even been what i would consider popular (i was homecoming queen and beat out the cheerleaders!). i have people who care about me, i know this, but they are busy living their own personal adventures and walking their own paths.
i've never really had to beg people to hang out with me. but since the unmarriedment, and living in an entirely new city, i have found myself lonely for friends. of course i've been lonely for a romantic partner, but i have also been lonely for a group of friends who i can be myself around.
there is usually a 'testing' phase when you meet new people, you know, where you're super polite "If you're hot, let me know and i'll turn up the A/C." "No, no, we can go wherever, i'm in the mood to eat anything." and the 'testing' phase usually means that no one is truly being themselves. i like to skip the polite phase and just jump into being as awesomely lisa as i can. but i know that this also gets interpreted as 'coming on too strong' for new people, and that's why i've been lonely in Raleigh since January.
i just wanted to find people who can laugh, and pray, and yell, and cuss, and cry, and laugh more, and truly be themselves. but it was always hit and miss, crash and burn, with a lot of the people i've met through the restaurant job, or other various avenues of introduction. it seems like i'll get along great with someone i meet and i'm looking forward to hanging out again, and tick..tick..tick...nothing. they must not have been so impressed with me. or i'll meet someone who is moderately interesting and/or cool, only to find that they have the most irritating personality ever later on into conversation.
living with Carla is great, don't get me wrong, but it's more than that. it's finding more than one person that i can be myself around. Carla loves me, i know this, and i love her, but we can't fulfill the social needs of one another indefinitely, and so, i began attending a small group Bible Study and it has been just what i needed.
this group that i have started going to (Carla too, we both like it), is a group of people either my age or a year younger, and we meet weekly, we make meals and take them to the homeless, then we eat together, then we pray for one another, then we read the Bible. it is soo sooo sooooo nice to be with other people, in a location away from my house for one night a week (although, i've been over there more than once this week already, and i'm going tomorrow for small group!) it's been awesome to just have some regularity, have some people who are pouring their hearts into mine and vice-versa. it's nice to be cared about, joked with, and hugged. oh, the hugs are the best part. hugging is loneliness' kryptonite.
i am just so thankful, it was about time!
i have always had friends, i've even been what i would consider popular (i was homecoming queen and beat out the cheerleaders!). i have people who care about me, i know this, but they are busy living their own personal adventures and walking their own paths.
i've never really had to beg people to hang out with me. but since the unmarriedment, and living in an entirely new city, i have found myself lonely for friends. of course i've been lonely for a romantic partner, but i have also been lonely for a group of friends who i can be myself around.
there is usually a 'testing' phase when you meet new people, you know, where you're super polite "If you're hot, let me know and i'll turn up the A/C." "No, no, we can go wherever, i'm in the mood to eat anything." and the 'testing' phase usually means that no one is truly being themselves. i like to skip the polite phase and just jump into being as awesomely lisa as i can. but i know that this also gets interpreted as 'coming on too strong' for new people, and that's why i've been lonely in Raleigh since January.
i just wanted to find people who can laugh, and pray, and yell, and cuss, and cry, and laugh more, and truly be themselves. but it was always hit and miss, crash and burn, with a lot of the people i've met through the restaurant job, or other various avenues of introduction. it seems like i'll get along great with someone i meet and i'm looking forward to hanging out again, and tick..tick..tick...nothing. they must not have been so impressed with me. or i'll meet someone who is moderately interesting and/or cool, only to find that they have the most irritating personality ever later on into conversation.
living with Carla is great, don't get me wrong, but it's more than that. it's finding more than one person that i can be myself around. Carla loves me, i know this, and i love her, but we can't fulfill the social needs of one another indefinitely, and so, i began attending a small group Bible Study and it has been just what i needed.
this group that i have started going to (Carla too, we both like it), is a group of people either my age or a year younger, and we meet weekly, we make meals and take them to the homeless, then we eat together, then we pray for one another, then we read the Bible. it is soo sooo sooooo nice to be with other people, in a location away from my house for one night a week (although, i've been over there more than once this week already, and i'm going tomorrow for small group!) it's been awesome to just have some regularity, have some people who are pouring their hearts into mine and vice-versa. it's nice to be cared about, joked with, and hugged. oh, the hugs are the best part. hugging is loneliness' kryptonite.
i am just so thankful, it was about time!
Saturday, September 13, 2008
iowa and home again
so i spent the last week in the great state of Iowa helping with flood relief. the flooding happened on June 12, and there are still houses that haven't been touched!
i had to have some serious talks with myself so that i would actually come back to NC and not stay in Iowa indefinitely.
reasons why i couldn't stay there:
-no income (car bill, rent (no way i would get a subleaser!), student loans, utilities, car insurance, cell phone!)
-too far from people i really love
-no car
-sleeping on an air mattress is only fun in short amounts of time
-losing my job here b/c it would be 'irresponsible' for me to just not show up for a few weeks.
it really came down to the fact that i have bills to pay. if i had a guaranteed way to make money while volunteering (i.e. freelance writing or something fun), i would have stayed for sure. alas, i had to come back, and even though i miss Iowa ferociously, i am glad to be back, glad to get back to normal, and now i am daydreaming about my next Disaster Relief opportunity (not that i'm hoping for them, but natural disasters are bound to happen!)
i had to have some serious talks with myself so that i would actually come back to NC and not stay in Iowa indefinitely.
reasons why i couldn't stay there:
-no income (car bill, rent (no way i would get a subleaser!), student loans, utilities, car insurance, cell phone!)
-too far from people i really love
-no car
-sleeping on an air mattress is only fun in short amounts of time
-losing my job here b/c it would be 'irresponsible' for me to just not show up for a few weeks.
it really came down to the fact that i have bills to pay. if i had a guaranteed way to make money while volunteering (i.e. freelance writing or something fun), i would have stayed for sure. alas, i had to come back, and even though i miss Iowa ferociously, i am glad to be back, glad to get back to normal, and now i am daydreaming about my next Disaster Relief opportunity (not that i'm hoping for them, but natural disasters are bound to happen!)
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
travel
going to Iowa to volunteer for 7 days.
flight leaves in less than 7 hours.
will post intermittently throughout my trip.
i've been thinking a lot.
got a lot to say.
flight leaves in less than 7 hours.
will post intermittently throughout my trip.
i've been thinking a lot.
got a lot to say.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
wordle
i just love seeing all my words floating around.
it makes it feel less sharp, and more productive.
i love how small the word 'doubt' is, how healing is right at the heart of it, and how devastation is the first word and hope is the last word i see when i skim from left to right.
it makes it feel less sharp, and more productive.
i love how small the word 'doubt' is, how healing is right at the heart of it, and how devastation is the first word and hope is the last word i see when i skim from left to right.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
3 weddings in 2008
a real wedding, a fake wedding, and a fast wedding:
the real one was the one that i wrote about earlier this year, the one in which hijinks and hilarity ensued.
the fake one was the one that i went to yesterday, the one where the couple has been married for a year and a half but "needed" to have a church ceremony.
and the fast one is one that i will be going to (not a part of) in November, i say fast because they got engaged Aug 4 and their wedding date is Nov 22.
a little more about the fake one:
i say fake for several reasons 1-they eloped to Las Vegas over a year and a half ago and have already been officially & legally married since then. 2-i don't really think they love each other. she needed a reason to move to America and become a U.S. citizen. i'm betting that it doesn't last very long once she's officially a real 'Merican. i also say this because i know for a fact that her husband is a creepy, perverted, repressed douchebag and is not someone worth marrying. 3-it was super lame.
it was a Catholic ceremony, the first Catholic ceremony that i've ever been to. needless to say i was a little lost, but i was sitting with a friend who is Catholic (albeit she hadn't been to church in over 10 years)....and she was able to help me navigate through. i noticed that the bride and groom weren't even touching each other, much less looking at each other, and so i asked my friend if that was part of the custom. she said that it was, and that they would eventually be prompted to hold hands by the priest....but even once the big P told them to hold hands, etc, they looked uncomfortable with each other. i don't know, it was very very telling.
funny note: they had Communion, with real wine (my church uses grape juice and we don't really believe that we are drinking blood and eating flesh), and while i refrained from partaking in the sacrament b/c i'm not Catholic and didn't want to offend anyone. but what cracked me up was when Communion was over and the kid (he looked to be just about 21) who was helping the priest had to drink the rest of wine. almost no one took Communion, so he was up there, just drinking away. and it cracked me up!! so funny. to me....anyway.
at the dinner after the ceremony, i sat with one friend, but we were sitting beside 2 strangers. as we got to know these two stranger ladies that were seated beside us, i came to find out that the girl beside me was married, unhappily married. it didn't take long before i just enlightened her on my life post-unmarriedment. and she was enthralled. she was like, everything you're saying is something i have thought over and over for the past year and a half...... i gave her my number and my email address, she said she felt bad for talking about divorce at a wedding reception. but i told her that there's never a bad time to be honest about stuff. and as many people as we know getting married, there are going to be unhappy couples. it's just the statistics..
i'm looking forward to the 'fast' wedding in November. although their engagement is going to be short, i'm sure that their wedding will be simple but fun! they've dated for over a year and he's a preacher and she's a teacher. yes, they are also innately cheesy folks, but i absolutely adore this girl and i know that she is really going to be happy with her man.
as far as i know i should only have 3 weddings for 2008...on the docket for 2009, i've got 2 weddings already: May and July.....i wonder how many more there will be!
the real one was the one that i wrote about earlier this year, the one in which hijinks and hilarity ensued.
the fake one was the one that i went to yesterday, the one where the couple has been married for a year and a half but "needed" to have a church ceremony.
and the fast one is one that i will be going to (not a part of) in November, i say fast because they got engaged Aug 4 and their wedding date is Nov 22.
a little more about the fake one:
i say fake for several reasons 1-they eloped to Las Vegas over a year and a half ago and have already been officially & legally married since then. 2-i don't really think they love each other. she needed a reason to move to America and become a U.S. citizen. i'm betting that it doesn't last very long once she's officially a real 'Merican. i also say this because i know for a fact that her husband is a creepy, perverted, repressed douchebag and is not someone worth marrying. 3-it was super lame.
it was a Catholic ceremony, the first Catholic ceremony that i've ever been to. needless to say i was a little lost, but i was sitting with a friend who is Catholic (albeit she hadn't been to church in over 10 years)....and she was able to help me navigate through. i noticed that the bride and groom weren't even touching each other, much less looking at each other, and so i asked my friend if that was part of the custom. she said that it was, and that they would eventually be prompted to hold hands by the priest....but even once the big P told them to hold hands, etc, they looked uncomfortable with each other. i don't know, it was very very telling.
funny note: they had Communion, with real wine (my church uses grape juice and we don't really believe that we are drinking blood and eating flesh), and while i refrained from partaking in the sacrament b/c i'm not Catholic and didn't want to offend anyone. but what cracked me up was when Communion was over and the kid (he looked to be just about 21) who was helping the priest had to drink the rest of wine. almost no one took Communion, so he was up there, just drinking away. and it cracked me up!! so funny. to me....anyway.
at the dinner after the ceremony, i sat with one friend, but we were sitting beside 2 strangers. as we got to know these two stranger ladies that were seated beside us, i came to find out that the girl beside me was married, unhappily married. it didn't take long before i just enlightened her on my life post-unmarriedment. and she was enthralled. she was like, everything you're saying is something i have thought over and over for the past year and a half...... i gave her my number and my email address, she said she felt bad for talking about divorce at a wedding reception. but i told her that there's never a bad time to be honest about stuff. and as many people as we know getting married, there are going to be unhappy couples. it's just the statistics..
i'm looking forward to the 'fast' wedding in November. although their engagement is going to be short, i'm sure that their wedding will be simple but fun! they've dated for over a year and he's a preacher and she's a teacher. yes, they are also innately cheesy folks, but i absolutely adore this girl and i know that she is really going to be happy with her man.
as far as i know i should only have 3 weddings for 2008...on the docket for 2009, i've got 2 weddings already: May and July.....i wonder how many more there will be!
Friday, August 22, 2008
the hard parts.
i know that i should be happy that my friends came over for my birthday party this past Saturday, AND that there were over 20 people that showed up for it.
i know that it was pretty great for my grandfather, dad, mother, sisters and Carla to call me on my actual birthday.
i know that it was great for my new job's family to have the babies sing happy birthday to me.
but the hard part was coming home to an empty house at 5:15 with absolutely no actual birth-day plans.
the hard part was not getting a call from Jeannie (who hasn't spoken or typed or txted a single word to me since her wedding in JANUARY, don't know why?!) or from Ray, or from my Mentor.....
the hard part was realizing that i have spent my last 8 years with a significant other in my life. seriously, since 2000 i had a boyfriend/fiance/husband on my birthday. so even if my friends might have let me down (for various reasons, school starting, moving in, moving away, etc. i think that having a mid-august birthday can be just as annoying as a mid-december birthday b/c it gets lost in the shuffle) i could avoid having feelings of disappointment by having a boyfriend who would take me on a date.
the hard part was realizing that as much as my family loves me, besides Sophie, i haven't seen any of them for weeks and none of them really have made an effort to come and visit me. birthdays aren't really all that big in my family. at most we might go out to eat, but there haven't really been 'presents' for a very long time. and certainly no birthday parties. it's just kind of disappointing when you know that your Dad loves you but didn't call until after 5pm, and even then, we only talked for 2 minutes. yes, literally 2 minutes, i just checked it. he did send an e-card, but even that was disappointing.
the hard part was realizing that on his birthday a week and a half ago, i sent Seth a simple, friendly email that said "happy birthday, i hope you are well". and i know, that he knew that it was my birthday yesterday, and yet, nothin. i guess that cutting me completely off is part of his coping mechanism, but damn, really? we were together for 5 years. geez louise.
the hard part was waking up at the ass-crack of dawn to go watch other people's beautiful children, in their ideal, incredible home, with pictures from their wedding day everywhere, feeling dead on my feet b/c i was so tired (i am NOT functional before 9 am).....and getting home right at 5:15 only to realize that the only immediate plans i had were to take a nap.
the hard part was realizing that dwelling on all of these things was just making me resent being alone on my birthday. so i made some plans, went out and played pool for a couple of hours, and made the best of it.
hilarious side note: i really dislike my grandmother. she sent me a card to say Happy Birthday and to remind me that my birthday present was the car payment that she mistakingly paid for me in July (she cosigned for me, my payment was late [for the first time in 3 years] and so she paid $200 for CarMax to stop calling her.) i will be paying her back as soon as i can cover my bills and make up for some late credit card payments.
i know that it was pretty great for my grandfather, dad, mother, sisters and Carla to call me on my actual birthday.
i know that it was great for my new job's family to have the babies sing happy birthday to me.
but the hard part was coming home to an empty house at 5:15 with absolutely no actual birth-day plans.
the hard part was not getting a call from Jeannie (who hasn't spoken or typed or txted a single word to me since her wedding in JANUARY, don't know why?!) or from Ray, or from my Mentor.....
the hard part was realizing that i have spent my last 8 years with a significant other in my life. seriously, since 2000 i had a boyfriend/fiance/husband on my birthday. so even if my friends might have let me down (for various reasons, school starting, moving in, moving away, etc. i think that having a mid-august birthday can be just as annoying as a mid-december birthday b/c it gets lost in the shuffle) i could avoid having feelings of disappointment by having a boyfriend who would take me on a date.
the hard part was realizing that as much as my family loves me, besides Sophie, i haven't seen any of them for weeks and none of them really have made an effort to come and visit me. birthdays aren't really all that big in my family. at most we might go out to eat, but there haven't really been 'presents' for a very long time. and certainly no birthday parties. it's just kind of disappointing when you know that your Dad loves you but didn't call until after 5pm, and even then, we only talked for 2 minutes. yes, literally 2 minutes, i just checked it. he did send an e-card, but even that was disappointing.
the hard part was realizing that on his birthday a week and a half ago, i sent Seth a simple, friendly email that said "happy birthday, i hope you are well". and i know, that he knew that it was my birthday yesterday, and yet, nothin. i guess that cutting me completely off is part of his coping mechanism, but damn, really? we were together for 5 years. geez louise.
the hard part was waking up at the ass-crack of dawn to go watch other people's beautiful children, in their ideal, incredible home, with pictures from their wedding day everywhere, feeling dead on my feet b/c i was so tired (i am NOT functional before 9 am).....and getting home right at 5:15 only to realize that the only immediate plans i had were to take a nap.
the hard part was realizing that dwelling on all of these things was just making me resent being alone on my birthday. so i made some plans, went out and played pool for a couple of hours, and made the best of it.
hilarious side note: i really dislike my grandmother. she sent me a card to say Happy Birthday and to remind me that my birthday present was the car payment that she mistakingly paid for me in July (she cosigned for me, my payment was late [for the first time in 3 years] and so she paid $200 for CarMax to stop calling her.) i will be paying her back as soon as i can cover my bills and make up for some late credit card payments.
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