subconcious

had a dream last night about getting back together with the un-husband.


i felt really weird when i woke up, like, "there's no way it'd be that easy, and there is no way that it would be good like that"


essentially, the dream consisted of Seth and i reconciling while we walked in the woods, i know there was a lot of laughing, and my left hand had my rings on it again.


still, i felt super weird when i woke up because i was sad that i broke his heart.

have i mentioned?

i don't think that i have,

but, i probably should mention,

that i have been seeing someone for a little over a month....






and so far,

it has been wonderful and exactly what i need.



i know you have thoughts:


go.

unconstructive

i think that i need some kind of ADD medicine in order to get things done once i get home.

actually, i think that it would ultimately help me in the workplace as well, even at the restaurant that i currently work at, because of all the multi-tasking that it takes in order to get things done.

it also doesn't help that doing lunch and dinner shifts at the restaurant means that i am dog-tired by the time that i get home and it makes me not want to do anything except eat and nap.

also,
i got a kitten.

she is certifiably insane.

all she wants to do is bite my hands, 24/7.


but she is super cute, and i named her Peppy. she makes me happy, she sleeps on my pillow next to my head and purrs whenever i move, that is her one redeeming quality. that, and the sheer fact that having her means that Seth can't say BOO about it because he had me resigned to the fact that i would never have a kitten or a cat because he was allergic.

sneeze on this Peppy, Seth! take some damn claritin and shut up!


:)

fired

yep.


i hated the job, and i knew it wouldn't be long before i needed to find another line of work in order to actually look forward to going to work everyday, but they pulled the trigger before i was able to find something else.


now i am back at the restaurant for lunch and dinner shifts.

what now?

not down, just out

it has been a long time since i sat down to write in this blog, a lot of things have happened:

1- Seth officially filed our unmarried papers. He sent them to me in the mail, and regardless of what the movies [Sweet Home Alabama] lead you to believe, there are no little tabs telling you where to sign, and when you leave the initial paperwork up to the un-husband, he will have to remember all the basics about your wedding day and it will only go to show that he did not do any of the planning otherwise he would have gotten the church's address right AND the county of the marriage license right too. i had to fix these errors, FLAG them and initial them and talk to him about how he "oops" it up.

2-as i signed those papers, those glorious papers, i made copies for my own files and i was in my cubicle at work, thinking to myself, "Wow. That makes it official." and usually at my desk i listen to Pandora Radio and i keep it on upbeat music or folksy stuff, stuff that i can listen to while not losing my focus. But this day, i had turned it off for some reason and the music from my neighbor's cubicle was floating over. and it was no coincidence that this is what i heard:



it was monumental. i felt like it was the perfect music for the mood that i was in, and my neighbor from whose cubicle it was emanating, had been a music major in college and told me that the name of the song was Carmina Burana. so, i Googled it and got a translation:

O Fortune,
like the moon
with its changing phases,
you are ever growing
and waning;
hateful life
first oppresses
and then soothes
as fancy takes it;
Poverty
and power
it melts them like ice.

Fate - monstrous
and empty,
you whirling wheel,
you are malevolent,
well-being is vain
and always fades to nothing.
Shadowed
and veiled
you plague me too;
now through the game
I bring my bare back
to your villainy.

When health
and virtue
are against me,
are only pain
and exhaustion,
forever in this vale of tears.
So at this hour
without delay
pluck the vibrating strings;
since Fate
strikes down the string man,
everyone weep with me!


and when i read those words, i reflected on my marriage and i felt the feelings of worthlessness and unloveability flood over me and i folded those official papers and i shoved them into the envelope with Seth's lawyer's name on it and i stuck a stamp on it and dropped it into the mail.

not anymore.

one step closer, one official step closer to being officially unmarried.

not looking forward

i am not really looking forward to visiting my dad and/or the prospect of him asking me if he can bring her along.

no dad, i don't want to include her in my visit with you. it isn't okay with me if she comes along, because honestly even if she wasn't the entire reason for you and mom getting a divorce, there is no part of me that will embrace her as your new love interest, no matter how happy she makes you.

i wish i were a "bigger" person, but right now, i just can't stand the thought of you being with her. i'd be fine if you were single and living alone, which is what i usually envision when i talk to you, but no, you're with her. you've been with her since you were still with mom. her kids see you more than i do and somehow i am supposed to be like "hey, glad you helped break up my parents marriage, but i sure am glad you make my dad happy."


boo.

i need shoes

i need new shoes.

seriously, i have only one pair of shoes that are appropriate for dressing up for work. i think i wear them 3/5 days a week.

on fridays i can wear whatever i want b/c it's casual friday, but i need new shoes that are closed toes and medium height heels, but it seems whenever i go to the store i can't find a single pair that don't look like they were:

a) made for a 13 year old or
b) made for a prostitute or
c) made for a 13 year old prostitute?!

anyway......

maybe i should do some online window shopping so that i don't have to waste my time driving to the store to see what they have. yes. online window shopping it is.

now i have my new side-goal for life in the cubicle tomorrow. SHOES!


:)