something better

something better is coming.

i am working on a longer post, it's taking me some time to think on things before i go typing and hitting PUBLISH POST.

there is a lot of uncertainty in my life right now (especially considering that i am looking for employment alongside 100.000+ others in America!!!!) but i have a strange strange peace about it. i am trying to keep my eyes on the silver lining right now and trying to salvage whatever good has come out of the past few years and focusing on that.

i am ridiculously optimistic because i have finally realized that it is not up to me at all! ha! control? what control?!

book.

i want to write a book.

about divorce.

and Christianity.

that is all for now.

unemployed

i lost my job on monday.

apparently they were looking for someone new and gave me no notice.

i am glad that Tuesday was full of snow and Obama-rama.

today i spent time with people who made me feel valued and loved, esp b/c my friend Simon watched "Beaches" with me.

now that is the sign of a true friend, although, he didn't cry. i have seen that movie at least 20 times and i cry every time. now onto praying for whatever is next. i can't be unemployed for very long, my bills won't pay themselves. bah!

little things

i am sure that i am not the only one who has experienced this, but it is fun none-the-less to share.

because i have had to get my named legally changed back to my maiden name, there have been a few recent phone call conversations with bill-paying or insurance renewal and i have been seeking how to get my name changed on my cards/bills/etc.

when i talk to the person on the other end of the line and say, "I need to have my name changed to Lisa Wright", most of the time, without missing a beat, the person on the other end of the line is like "well Congratulations!" thinking that i am having my name changed because i just got married.

i usually have this thought while saying "thank you very, very much" [SUCKAAAAAAAAH, you don't know that you just congratulated me for something that NOBODY wants to say congratulations for, but i will TAKE it!]

s'funny

it's funny when you are jolted awake by your roommate at 6:20 am.

Carla:
Leeeese! I heard crying outside and I am too scared to go to my car.

me:
whuaa?

Carla:
I hear noises every morning and sometimes it spooks me out, but I was just in the kitchen and that noise was RIGHT outside. I cannot open the door and knowingly go outside.

me:
[jumps out of bed, pulls some pants on]
okay.

we walk downstairs, open the front door, there is nothing to be noted. one of our neighbors is walking to his car, a few houses down. no explanations for the 'crying' noise.

Carla:
okay, thanks. sorry to wake you up.

me:
buuuuuuuuuuh. [zombie noise]

as i climbed the stairs back to my room, i shuttle my cat back into the room so that i can lock the door. then i promptly got scared.

it wouldn't have gotten to me except that Carla had described it as 'crying'. something is 'beeping', something is 'banging', something is 'knocking', those i could deal with.

crying? i don't do ghosts or wild animals with creepy noises. also in this category would be any type of neighbor who takes their morning walk to cry on our porch. so yeah, then i started freaking out.

this is when i wish there was a man in the house, so that he can change my oil and go scare the weeping ghosts from our front porch. boo!

i guess i missed the memo

what i sent:

Seth,

i tried calling you and i left a message but i wasn't sure if you'd gotten it or not. anyhoo, i was hoping to catch up, hear how you are doing. anyway, i won't take too much of your time, just wanted to say happy 2009. hope to hear from you.

-lisa

what he wrote back (a day after i sent mine):

lisa,

Things are going well for me here. My job has turned into a career path and I am getting to do some traveling with it as well. I have adjusted well here and have made many friends. Beaux is doing great. I get to climb a good bit now and am enjoying the different seasons for different types of climbing. I appreciate the good wishes and wish the same for you. I really do not think it is healthy for either of us to maintain contact with one another. I hope that you find your path in life and are able to find happiness in whatever you choose to do.

-Seth


i wanted to yell and push him down [old-school style like we were little kids]. i wanted to write a snappy quip back, i wanted him to know that i wouldn't have contacted him AT ALL had i known that he didn't think it was healthy for us to 'maintain contact' with one another. again, he made that decision and didn't tell me, and somehow i am supposed to read his mind?

so yeah.

just needed to vent a little.

electronic mail

i e-mailed Seth today to 'catch up'. i had tried calling him a few weeks ago, and i had tried not to slip up and look at his facebook page anymore, but i'm super nosey i guess. completely non-nostalgic, i just want to hear that he's doing okay. anyhoo. i kept it super-breezy, and i sent it at like, 7:00, and he hasn't respsonded.

i guess i know that he doesn't even have to respond, it'd just be nice to hear from him. i don't really know that i can pinpoint the real exact reason i may have emailed him, but bah, it's too late now!

i will keep you updated if he gets back to me.

must sleep. work will be hard if i don't.

simmering

as this is my first post in the new year, i have started and discarded several attempts at voicing my thoughts. i just want to write something that i am not going to look back on and think "i was so dumb."

i'm not making any resolutions this year, save for one exception:
i will not blame 2008 for being shiteous, i will only blame myself, and i resolve not to do this again for 2009.

i will own my year.

since the day my marriage started in 2006 and subsequent decline, to the announcement of my parent's divorce, to graduate school fiasco, to moving everything 3 times in 3 months and returning to my mom's house and being single again and moving to Raleigh, and getting and losing a 'real job' and taking 2 dead-end jobs back to back for all of 2007/2008, i sometimes like to refer to 2006-2008 as the 'shit-storm'. but really, honestly, i have to be realistic with myself.

the only common denominator between all of those years was me.

and so, as 2009 begins, i want to own my year. i want to know that:

i did what i could,
i worked as hard as i could,
i loved as hard as i could,
i friended those who needed me,
i spent time taking care of me,
i laughed hard,
i cried when i needed to,
i slept deeply,
i indulged and withdrew when applicable,
i hugged as many people as possible,
i did cannonballs and splashed with childlike glee,
i smiled til my face hurt...

all the factors that contribute to the lasting impression that a 'year' makes are the factors that i allow to leave an impression. the truth about life is that it's all in how you remember it.

there is no reason for 2009 to be any different, except that i have realized the key to changing my pattern:

i am the common denominator, i have to be the difference i want to see in my year. nobody is going to do it for me, i cannot wait for the strings to be pulled in my favor, i have to go out and do what needs to be done and i need to take some control over the factors that i allow to dominate my year, and i have to be prayerful and immersed in God's word and power in order to have clarity in my pursuits.

first on the docket: job.

give me something, anything.

there were times before Christmas that i really dreaded thinking about spending time with my family.

i thought out loud "oh God. why would i go back?"

there are various reasons that i dislike spending holidays with my family. one of the most obvious is that my grandmother has the tact of a jellyfish and my grandfather is 1 step closer to 'certifiable' every year [bless his heart, i love that man, he will be missed, he is a walking one-man-show]

but most importantly, my dad is not in town for holidays and my mom doesn't know a thing about me.

living with my mother and grandfather last year at this time was very hard. my mother never asked how i was doing. she would always unload on me about her divorce from my Dad and whenever i might offer my own vulnerability she'd change the subject back to herself.

in a lot of ways talking to/dealing with my mom is like dealing with a 12 year old. in many ways i find myself 'mothering' my own mother and it just doesn't settle well with me. i don't wan to have to guide her or hold her hand through life, she's an adult. it's hard for me to lead my own life, much less allow her to destroy any optimism i may have scooped up along the way.

i spent a total 4 hours with my family, and although i am thankful for them in ways that i may never understand or totally acknowledge, i know that in the future i will be able to be closer to them and it will be a healthy place of growth and joy, but this year was not that year. i spent the better part of 3 days with Carla and her fabulous family. warts and all Carla's family is the kind of family that i hope to achieve one day. the traditions, the unconditional love, the spats and forgiveness, everything is a learning experience and at the end of the day, they love each other, and they allow me to be an adopted daughter.

i love that.

just in time for Christmas.

so, lately i've been comparing my life to walking down a dead end road.

marriage was a dead end.

seminary was a dead end.

getting a job at that book company was a dead end.

waiting tables for 6 months was a dead end.

now, my nanny job has become a dead end.


not that i thought i'd be a nanny forever, wait Peter Pan, children do get older, they won't need me forever. but i did think that at most i would be employed by this family until next July and then i would try and become a teacher. that was my plan.

that was the plan until i realized that the family i work full-time for gave me 2 weeks off for Christmas because they don't need me and they are not going to be paying me for any time off. AND on top of this, when i voiced my insight on how Nanny-etiquette would dictate a situation like this should be handled, they met me with resistance and insisted that they should not pay me. i tried to stand firm and they eventually met me 1/4 of the way, AND in the process said something along the lines of "Jill thinks we're overpaying you enough as it is....." and the father went into a little bit of a rant about how i only have one child while the other is at school. blah blah blah.

let me just say that in NO circumstances should an employer mention to an employee that they want to keep that they think they are 'overpaying' them.

wow. that was such a slap in the face. and the worst part is that i had to take their offer because i have no other options. i have no savings to fall back on. i don't have parents that can shower me with unwarranted monies. i have too much pride to ask people for money. so i have to grin and bear it with this job until i find something else. on top of that, there seem to be 100,000,000 hoops to jump through in order to become a teacher in Wake county. awesome.

it's all just in time for Christmas.

i know that this year has been great and that i have learned so much, but i am still just feeling so

dis:
-enchanted
-illusioned
-gusted
-appointed
-couraged


and since i've got 2 weeks off, i know myself well enough to know that i won't be nearly as proactive as i will need to be in order to find another job....but i want to prove myself wrong. BLAH so much to think about!

heart chaos.

i would be pretending if i said that everything is coming up roses in my life right now.

in the past week i have had 5 serious talks with 4 separate people about things that have been experienced or observed about interactions with said people, and those kind of serious conversations always take a lot out of me. like, my appetite goes away and whatever i do eat gives me serious stomach problems. my nerves just go straight through the roof, it's obnoxious.

also, i called Seth last week and got an automated voicemail, didn't leave a message, but then called him the next night and left a message. tried to do like Monica and sound 'breezy' [Friends? anyone?] but i wasn't calling for any reason except to see how he's doing. it has been over 400 days since i saw him, and right at about 6 months since i last spoke with him [since May] and i haven't missed him or wanted to be back with him once. i can honestly stand behind our decision to split, but that doesn't mean that i don't want to be cordial and call him. and, the holiday cheer/spirit got to me and i felt like it's probably the most appropriate time of the year to extend an olive branch.

he hasn't called back.

i wonder if i have the wrong number. either way, i'm not too worried about it. mostly because i do what any good 'ex' would do, i.e. i used facebook to check on him.

back in October i realized that i was looking at his page too often, and so i blocked him and i hadn't allowed myself to look at his page for a very long time. but on Sunday night, i guess i relapsed, i went into facebook, unblocked him, looked at his page, and then promplty re-blocked him. it's so funny to type it, to admit it out there in the cyberspaces, that i am one of those people, but that's how i do. :) i was happy to see that he changed his profile picture and seems to be tagged in a few pictures at parties and stuff. so he's being social. also, and probably most critical to me, he is still listed as Single. although, after reading the latest on his wall posts, the girls he is meeting out there seem to be chatting him up quite a bit. so good for that. i think i mainly check on him because i get worried that he has sequestered himself and might not be too social. but it looks like he's doing a good job of getting out, so that is the best thing i could ask for.

of course, if he calls, i will post. if he doesn't, i imagine i will be posting anyway, because the holidays make me think a LOT.

the title 'heart chaos' also has to do with a lot of my emotional state right now, i am feeling the ache to have a love that 'lasts forever' [i have sappy movies to blame for that]. i am feeling like i wasted 2008 and that i still don't have a 'Big Girl' job like i wanted to have back in January. i am feeling like i am always too quick to talk and volunteer things about myself before i take the time to listen [i am getting a big "SHUT UP" sign from God right now]. i am feeling like the only boys i might ever be interested in romantically, could potentially, reject me because of the fact that i have a past that doesn't exactly shine like the sun. i am feeling like there are issues with my family that i just can't pinpoint, that i would rather crawl to the top of Mt. Everest in a bikini than sit at my grandmother's table and eat Christmas dinner for 1 minute {what is it?!}

so much to think about. so much heart chaos.

it's a holiday

opposed to last year, this Thanksgiving is going to be TONS better and more fun.

last year, i had been home, living with my mother and grandfather for a month.

last year, i was focused on how alone i was. how it was my first "single" thanksgiving in over 6 years.

last year, i was ready to crawl back into bed and not be present for any part of the festivities.

this year, i live in a new house, with my awesome roomie Carla.

this year, i have never had so many people that actually care about me.

this year, i am not thinking about how i am 'single'. i've been single for over 6 months now, which is fun. i'm still cautiously learning what it means for Lisa to be Lisa and not Lisa & ______. you know?

also, my younger sister and i took a 13 hour road trip to surprise our older sister Melodie up in Massachusetts. we schemed and connived a plan with her boyfriend so that we could walk in on them at a restaurant and totally surprise her. we did and she totally cried. it was awesome. being in the car for 13 hours would not be fun for most people, but with Sophie, it was totally fun, and it actually felt like a lot less than 13 hours. i freakin love my sisters. this turkey-day is already leaps and bounds above last year's thanksgiving. the best part is that i know that i had nothing to do with it, i am learning to be thankful to God that He is the one in control and that when i let go, He can totally work a miracle in my life.

burnt up.

i had my fire last weekend, and it was glorious.

i had tears in my eyes as i saw the things that had meant so much between Seth and i, go up in flames.

i had a friend take some pictures for me, here are the best images:





throwing on some of the 'love' notes he wrote me, and a few pictures.



this is a pic of a 2 paintings i made for him, the blue one is 25 different ways to say i love you, i.e. different languages. there is another painting being licked by the flames, you can see it has a lot of little words on it, these were all the reasons i loved him. i made these in my junior year of college.

he never hung either one.
this was the fire after i had thrown everything in. i love those ashes.

fire.

one of my new friends from church ended an engagement over the summer. she was supposed to be married on Oct 4, and so as the day approached, she asked that we help her distract herself from wallowing in "what should've been happening" during the day that Saturday.

we went on a strenuous bike ride, we spent time primping and making ourselves look h-o-t, and we went out for an evening on the town. it was a good time, and we made sure that she knew that we were happy that she was happy and that she was loved.

the next day, as we were talking, she mentioned that she knew that the end of October was going to be hard for me and so if i thought i wanted to, she would help organize the group to celebrate the day that i drove back home from Kentucky and started my life over. yes. i think i will take them up on it.

i've been sorting through my things, and i have an entire box of things that i want to burn in a 'cleansing ceremony' for myself. "love" notes, presents, books, etc, anything and everything that reminds me of Seth. i want to cleanse myself of those things and i want to see them all burn away into nothingness. so i think i am going to ask my friends to have a bonfire with me.

won't that be fun?! i will def. take pictures and share.

p.s.
i have a crush.

Divorce Care

tonight i went to my first Divorce Care class. if you don't know what it is, it's basically a support group for people going through or finished with separation or divorce, but with a Christian faith based curriculum and video series.

believe me when i say that i was wary of the class, especially because the videos on the website are SO circa 1986, but i have been looking forward to being around other people that are going through similar situations in their lives so i gave it a chance and went.

i will say that the video was borderline "how old is this footage?!" but in the end i was really happy to sit through it and to take notes during it [i love taking notes. i am such a school nerd].

it touched on so many of the thoughts i've been having, and of course, made me cry like a baby as i processed what it talked about. i will post more later as i review my notes.

meanwhile, i have had a shitstorm of trouble with my car - registration, inspection, insurance. etc. don't even get me started on that topic.

so much to process.

life together

i am so happy to have friends in Raleigh.

i have always had friends, i've even been what i would consider popular (i was homecoming queen and beat out the cheerleaders!). i have people who care about me, i know this, but they are busy living their own personal adventures and walking their own paths.

i've never really had to beg people to hang out with me. but since the unmarriedment, and living in an entirely new city, i have found myself lonely for friends. of course i've been lonely for a romantic partner, but i have also been lonely for a group of friends who i can be myself around.

there is usually a 'testing' phase when you meet new people, you know, where you're super polite "If you're hot, let me know and i'll turn up the A/C." "No, no, we can go wherever, i'm in the mood to eat anything." and the 'testing' phase usually means that no one is truly being themselves. i like to skip the polite phase and just jump into being as awesomely lisa as i can. but i know that this also gets interpreted as 'coming on too strong' for new people, and that's why i've been lonely in Raleigh since January.

i just wanted to find people who can laugh, and pray, and yell, and cuss, and cry, and laugh more, and truly be themselves. but it was always hit and miss, crash and burn, with a lot of the people i've met through the restaurant job, or other various avenues of introduction. it seems like i'll get along great with someone i meet and i'm looking forward to hanging out again, and tick..tick..tick...nothing. they must not have been so impressed with me. or i'll meet someone who is moderately interesting and/or cool, only to find that they have the most irritating personality ever later on into conversation.

living with Carla is great, don't get me wrong, but it's more than that. it's finding more than one person that i can be myself around. Carla loves me, i know this, and i love her, but we can't fulfill the social needs of one another indefinitely, and so, i began attending a small group Bible Study and it has been just what i needed.

this group that i have started going to (Carla too, we both like it), is a group of people either my age or a year younger, and we meet weekly, we make meals and take them to the homeless, then we eat together, then we pray for one another, then we read the Bible. it is soo sooo sooooo nice to be with other people, in a location away from my house for one night a week (although, i've been over there more than once this week already, and i'm going tomorrow for small group!) it's been awesome to just have some regularity, have some people who are pouring their hearts into mine and vice-versa. it's nice to be cared about, joked with, and hugged. oh, the hugs are the best part. hugging is loneliness' kryptonite.

i am just so thankful, it was about time!

iowa and home again

so i spent the last week in the great state of Iowa helping with flood relief. the flooding happened on June 12, and there are still houses that haven't been touched!

i had to have some serious talks with myself so that i would actually come back to NC and not stay in Iowa indefinitely.

reasons why i couldn't stay there:
-no income (car bill, rent (no way i would get a subleaser!), student loans, utilities, car insurance, cell phone!)
-too far from people i really love
-no car
-sleeping on an air mattress is only fun in short amounts of time
-losing my job here b/c it would be 'irresponsible' for me to just not show up for a few weeks.

it really came down to the fact that i have bills to pay. if i had a guaranteed way to make money while volunteering (i.e. freelance writing or something fun), i would have stayed for sure. alas, i had to come back, and even though i miss Iowa ferociously, i am glad to be back, glad to get back to normal, and now i am daydreaming about my next Disaster Relief opportunity (not that i'm hoping for them, but natural disasters are bound to happen!)

travel

going to Iowa to volunteer for 7 days.

flight leaves in less than 7 hours.

will post intermittently throughout my trip.

i've been thinking a lot.

got a lot to say.

wordle

this is a wordle from my post about being 23 yr old divorcee and being a Christian.

i just love seeing all my words floating around.
it makes it feel less sharp, and more productive.

i love how small the word 'doubt' is, how healing is right at the heart of it, and how devastation is the first word and hope is the last word i see when i skim from left to right.

3 weddings in 2008

a real wedding, a fake wedding, and a fast wedding:

the real one was the one that i wrote about earlier this year, the one in which hijinks and hilarity ensued.

the fake one was the one that i went to yesterday, the one where the couple has been married for a year and a half but "needed" to have a church ceremony.

and the fast one is one that i will be going to (not a part of) in November, i say fast because they got engaged Aug 4 and their wedding date is Nov 22.

a little more about the fake one:

i say fake for several reasons 1-they eloped to Las Vegas over a year and a half ago and have already been officially & legally married since then. 2-i don't really think they love each other. she needed a reason to move to America and become a U.S. citizen. i'm betting that it doesn't last very long once she's officially a real 'Merican. i also say this because i know for a fact that her husband is a creepy, perverted, repressed douchebag and is not someone worth marrying. 3-it was super lame.

it was a Catholic ceremony, the first Catholic ceremony that i've ever been to. needless to say i was a little lost, but i was sitting with a friend who is Catholic (albeit she hadn't been to church in over 10 years)....and she was able to help me navigate through. i noticed that the bride and groom weren't even touching each other, much less looking at each other, and so i asked my friend if that was part of the custom. she said that it was, and that they would eventually be prompted to hold hands by the priest....but even once the big P told them to hold hands, etc, they looked uncomfortable with each other. i don't know, it was very very telling.

funny note: they had Communion, with real wine (my church uses grape juice and we don't really believe that we are drinking blood and eating flesh), and while i refrained from partaking in the sacrament b/c i'm not Catholic and didn't want to offend anyone. but what cracked me up was when Communion was over and the kid (he looked to be just about 21) who was helping the priest had to drink the rest of wine. almost no one took Communion, so he was up there, just drinking away. and it cracked me up!! so funny. to me....anyway.

at the dinner after the ceremony, i sat with one friend, but we were sitting beside 2 strangers. as we got to know these two stranger ladies that were seated beside us, i came to find out that the girl beside me was married, unhappily married. it didn't take long before i just enlightened her on my life post-unmarriedment. and she was enthralled. she was like, everything you're saying is something i have thought over and over for the past year and a half...... i gave her my number and my email address, she said she felt bad for talking about divorce at a wedding reception. but i told her that there's never a bad time to be honest about stuff. and as many people as we know getting married, there are going to be unhappy couples. it's just the statistics..

i'm looking forward to the 'fast' wedding in November. although their engagement is going to be short, i'm sure that their wedding will be simple but fun! they've dated for over a year and he's a preacher and she's a teacher. yes, they are also innately cheesy folks, but i absolutely adore this girl and i know that she is really going to be happy with her man.

as far as i know i should only have 3 weddings for 2008...on the docket for 2009, i've got 2 weddings already: May and July.....i wonder how many more there will be!