heart chaos.

i would be pretending if i said that everything is coming up roses in my life right now.

in the past week i have had 5 serious talks with 4 separate people about things that have been experienced or observed about interactions with said people, and those kind of serious conversations always take a lot out of me. like, my appetite goes away and whatever i do eat gives me serious stomach problems. my nerves just go straight through the roof, it's obnoxious.

also, i called Seth last week and got an automated voicemail, didn't leave a message, but then called him the next night and left a message. tried to do like Monica and sound 'breezy' [Friends? anyone?] but i wasn't calling for any reason except to see how he's doing. it has been over 400 days since i saw him, and right at about 6 months since i last spoke with him [since May] and i haven't missed him or wanted to be back with him once. i can honestly stand behind our decision to split, but that doesn't mean that i don't want to be cordial and call him. and, the holiday cheer/spirit got to me and i felt like it's probably the most appropriate time of the year to extend an olive branch.

he hasn't called back.

i wonder if i have the wrong number. either way, i'm not too worried about it. mostly because i do what any good 'ex' would do, i.e. i used facebook to check on him.

back in October i realized that i was looking at his page too often, and so i blocked him and i hadn't allowed myself to look at his page for a very long time. but on Sunday night, i guess i relapsed, i went into facebook, unblocked him, looked at his page, and then promplty re-blocked him. it's so funny to type it, to admit it out there in the cyberspaces, that i am one of those people, but that's how i do. :) i was happy to see that he changed his profile picture and seems to be tagged in a few pictures at parties and stuff. so he's being social. also, and probably most critical to me, he is still listed as Single. although, after reading the latest on his wall posts, the girls he is meeting out there seem to be chatting him up quite a bit. so good for that. i think i mainly check on him because i get worried that he has sequestered himself and might not be too social. but it looks like he's doing a good job of getting out, so that is the best thing i could ask for.

of course, if he calls, i will post. if he doesn't, i imagine i will be posting anyway, because the holidays make me think a LOT.

the title 'heart chaos' also has to do with a lot of my emotional state right now, i am feeling the ache to have a love that 'lasts forever' [i have sappy movies to blame for that]. i am feeling like i wasted 2008 and that i still don't have a 'Big Girl' job like i wanted to have back in January. i am feeling like i am always too quick to talk and volunteer things about myself before i take the time to listen [i am getting a big "SHUT UP" sign from God right now]. i am feeling like the only boys i might ever be interested in romantically, could potentially, reject me because of the fact that i have a past that doesn't exactly shine like the sun. i am feeling like there are issues with my family that i just can't pinpoint, that i would rather crawl to the top of Mt. Everest in a bikini than sit at my grandmother's table and eat Christmas dinner for 1 minute {what is it?!}

so much to think about. so much heart chaos.

stirring it up

so, Carla and i went and saw the Sex and the City movie last night even though neither one of us ever really watched the show, and let me just say that i loved it.

i don't want to ruin it for you if you haven't seen it, and believe me, there are really great and hilarious moments in it as well as some heart-aching moments, and i don't want to give them away at all, but the movie really stirred something up inside of me.

during one of the scenes in the middle of the movie i really really felt like i was being crushed. there was a weight on my lungs i wanted to cry out so hard. i looked around and realized it wasn't really a moment where anyone else felt inclined to cry, but here i was with this crushing weight feeling like i was on the verge of sobbing like a baby.

in total, there were about 3 or 4 moments where i had silent tears streaming down my face. i couldn't quite pinpoint the feelings that were emerging except to feel like i had just left Seth all over again. it was the same feeling that i had the first night that we decided to call it quits and i let him have the bed and i tried to sleep on the couch. i just cried and cried. and pulled my knees up to my chest and cried and sobbed. and it was awful. it's a hot crying, the kind of crying that aches every muscle and gives you real bags under your eyes the next day.

as we walked out of the movie i asked Carla if she had cried at all during the movie, and she said that she had felt some pinpricks of tiny tears welling up in one scene, but no, she hadn't cried. and i welled up with tears telling her that i had practically wanted to cry for the second half of the entire movie. it was so bizarre because i had no idea why i was so upset. why this movie had made me feel like i was just getting my stuff packed into my little white car all over again.

really. i don't even know why. i guess there will be little bouts of crying as i relive the agony of ending a marriage, i just really didn't think that the Sex and the City movie would do that to me.

when i got home i cried some more before i went to sleep, but then i was done with it.

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in bigger news:

i sent the final papers for the divorce on Thursday.

i think this is cause for celebration......

any ideas?

McAvoy Double-Feature

Carla and i treated ourselves last night to a full-price movie ticket at the real movie theater (we're usually big fans of RedBox $1 movie rentals), and we finally saw Atonement.

we have been wanting to see this movie since it hit the theaters in December, but we haven't been able to coordinate a convenient time to see it for over 2 months now. but last night we got to see it and whew, it was incredible.

i don't want to ruin it for you if you haven't seen it, but i do highly recommend it. even if you hate what happens in the story, and seeing Keira Knightley looking so sickeningly thin might make you want to puke or stop eating all-together, James McAvoy is worth watching. he is beautiful.

yum!

and on top of that we watched Becoming Jane in which James McAvoy is the leading man as well. although, his haircut in Becoming Jane was definitely more unflattering than his haircut in Atonement.

if you haven't seen them, i'd recommend them, although Becoming Jane doesn't have near enough kissing scenes. i pretty much live for those, haha.

alright, i'm done acting like a teeny-bopper with a high-school crush.

okay, no i'm not, but it's not like i'm going to start a fan-blog or anything crazy like that...yet. haha.

alphonso and teen pregnancy

i've been somewhat thrown by this whole, "not having a job-therefore- having nothing to do" thing phase that i am experiencing.

i've been staying up too late, sitting on the computer a little TOO long (i.e. ALL DAY LONG), and eating when i shouldn't be eating (i.e. 2:00 in the a.m.)...

but something has got to give, i mean, i have applied for let's count: 12 different jobs.

12 resumes, 12 cover letters (okay, not quite 12 cover letters, those are a beast to turn out), and you'd think that SOMEONE would have called me for an interview. i think that tomorrow i am going to have to turn it out and CALL some of these places to try and follow up their receiving my application/resume/combo.

finding a job is so aggravating.

i spent the better part of my day trying to line up a few babysitting jobs to help out with the bills that are due this week, so at least that much of my day was productive.

and tonight i went with a friend to an intellectual symposium about the negative stereotype given to Arabs in movies and t.v. it was pretty interesting and i especially perked up when they used Aladdin as a prime example of how Hollywood uses the same stereotypes over and over to show Middle-Easterners as barbaric and less than human.

it was a pretty intense discussion, so my friend Anny and i crept out about halfway in and went to catch the 9:10 showing of Juno. on our walk over, we were passing a homeless man when he asked us if we had money. i never ever carry cash, and Anny said that she didn't either, not that we wanted to give him cash, but Anny and i almost passed on by without saying anything to the man, when Anny turned around and went back to him and asked him what the last thing he ate was and when, and he said yesterday morning he had a donut someone gave him.

turns out we were standing outside of a bar that served a basic menu, so she asked him what he wanted and she and i went in and ordered it for him, paid for it, and took it out and served it to him. He said his name was Alphonso and that he was 53 years old. He'd been in the Army when he was younger and had seen Luxembourg and Germany, and he pointed at us and said that the best women were still the American women. before we left i shook his hand and told him to enjoy his cheeseburger and fries before they got cold. Anny shook his hand too, and when we got to the movies, i stopped and realized that we may have been some of the only people to actually touch this man in a long time. and it made me sad for Alphonso.

and Juno, oh oh oh, how i recommend it. last night i fell asleep watching Saved, and tonight, i saw Juno, i think it's funny that i watched 2 movies about pregnant 16 year olds two, nights in a row.

it was wonderful, and when i am fully rested tomorrow, i will write a little more about why i loved it so. as for now, adieu.

Nancy Meyers is my best friend

or at least, she should be.

based solely on the dialogue below, from the movie "The Holiday", which Nancy wrote, i need to meet Mrs. Meyers so that i can kiss her on the lips.

this is a short little monologue by Iris, played by Kate Winslet, and to me, it captures most of every detail that i ever felt while i was married:

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places that you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends, you still go to bed every night, going over every detail, and wonder what you did wrong, or how you could've misunderstood. and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy? you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light....and after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new, and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back, and all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.


gah. Nancy.

seriously.

hits me in the gut.

if you haven't seen this movie, then please, do yourself a favor, escape reality just for a little bit, and RENT IT or BUY IT.

alone and not

especially with the onslaught of upcoming big events in my life:

-Seth will be filing for our un-marriage-ment sometime in late January.
-i am moving with my best friend Carla to a city that is 2 hours away from where i am now.
-i am scouring, i mean, SCOURING the internet for a job, a real full-time job, my first one!

:i have been feeling out on a branch more so now than ever before.

it's so crazy to me that i am single again, that i am living at home again, that i am around the people that know the best and that treat me the best, and the ones that treat me the worst. it's like living in a time-warp, except, that i am catching up with people, but also, not catching up, because they want to know about my life, but they also don't want to witness me breaking down because they've accidentally asked me the wrong questions. and even more so than ever, i just want my friends to look at me and say "is there anything that i can do? is there anything you want to talk about?" or for them to just give me a freaking hug.

i would be willing to say that the single hardest part about being single again, for me, is the lack of human contact. sometimes the only people i actually physically touch during the day are the people that i help at the register at work, and even then, the only contact that i have with them is handing them their change, so that my fingertips might lightly graze the palm of their hand. the only people that hug me, well, actually, no one hugs me. no one touches me. it is so hard to go from having someone who hugs me whenever i want, cuddles me on the couch, holds my hand on the couch or in the car or walking to the car, and this isn't even mentioning kissing. GAH.

all of the big things i have planned for January freak me out a little bit because i am doing it all by myself, but i must also say that while i may be partially in freak out mode, i am also highly highly excited about this move and this big change. i cannot wait to live in another city, where i can stretch my legs, get my feet wet and spread my wings (to name a few cliches!). but really, i am ready for some new people, a new place to live, a new kitten!, and so so so much more.

i recently put in an application and resume with a non-profit job in the city that i am moving to, which not only excites me but makes me feel responsible. i've called and left voice-mails, but i think that maybe they had a vacation, but i am going to pester them in the nicest way possible until i can land an interview. so if you pray, pray for my job search.

oh, and i saw PS I Love You again, and i loved it even more than the first time. it's official, i have GOT to go to Ireland.

does anyone want to plan a vacation with me?! ha!

p.s. i love you

so, i just saw p.s. i love you with 4 of my friends, (yes, all girls), and it was amazing.

more-so than other chick-flicks i liked how raw this movie was.

i want to write so much about it, SO so much, but i am in a pinch and do not have a lot of time to blog tonight.

but while i watched the movie, i decided at least 2 things:

1-i would consider it exotic to talk to, much less flirt with, much less date a guy with an accent, esp. anything Irish or British.

2-i really really really wish i could have a camera taping me every time i hug a guy from now on, because i have decided that i want to be with a man who closes his eyes every time he hugs me. it's like he's savoring you, it's like he is smelling and embracing and caressing and enveloping you in a hug, and if he closes his eyes, it's like he's sealing himself off to the outside world just to enjoy being in your arms, in your presence, in your grasp.

oh, what i would give to have a man who closes his eyes when he holds me.