give me something, anything.

there were times before Christmas that i really dreaded thinking about spending time with my family.

i thought out loud "oh God. why would i go back?"

there are various reasons that i dislike spending holidays with my family. one of the most obvious is that my grandmother has the tact of a jellyfish and my grandfather is 1 step closer to 'certifiable' every year [bless his heart, i love that man, he will be missed, he is a walking one-man-show]

but most importantly, my dad is not in town for holidays and my mom doesn't know a thing about me.

living with my mother and grandfather last year at this time was very hard. my mother never asked how i was doing. she would always unload on me about her divorce from my Dad and whenever i might offer my own vulnerability she'd change the subject back to herself.

in a lot of ways talking to/dealing with my mom is like dealing with a 12 year old. in many ways i find myself 'mothering' my own mother and it just doesn't settle well with me. i don't wan to have to guide her or hold her hand through life, she's an adult. it's hard for me to lead my own life, much less allow her to destroy any optimism i may have scooped up along the way.

i spent a total 4 hours with my family, and although i am thankful for them in ways that i may never understand or totally acknowledge, i know that in the future i will be able to be closer to them and it will be a healthy place of growth and joy, but this year was not that year. i spent the better part of 3 days with Carla and her fabulous family. warts and all Carla's family is the kind of family that i hope to achieve one day. the traditions, the unconditional love, the spats and forgiveness, everything is a learning experience and at the end of the day, they love each other, and they allow me to be an adopted daughter.

i love that.

heart chaos.

i would be pretending if i said that everything is coming up roses in my life right now.

in the past week i have had 5 serious talks with 4 separate people about things that have been experienced or observed about interactions with said people, and those kind of serious conversations always take a lot out of me. like, my appetite goes away and whatever i do eat gives me serious stomach problems. my nerves just go straight through the roof, it's obnoxious.

also, i called Seth last week and got an automated voicemail, didn't leave a message, but then called him the next night and left a message. tried to do like Monica and sound 'breezy' [Friends? anyone?] but i wasn't calling for any reason except to see how he's doing. it has been over 400 days since i saw him, and right at about 6 months since i last spoke with him [since May] and i haven't missed him or wanted to be back with him once. i can honestly stand behind our decision to split, but that doesn't mean that i don't want to be cordial and call him. and, the holiday cheer/spirit got to me and i felt like it's probably the most appropriate time of the year to extend an olive branch.

he hasn't called back.

i wonder if i have the wrong number. either way, i'm not too worried about it. mostly because i do what any good 'ex' would do, i.e. i used facebook to check on him.

back in October i realized that i was looking at his page too often, and so i blocked him and i hadn't allowed myself to look at his page for a very long time. but on Sunday night, i guess i relapsed, i went into facebook, unblocked him, looked at his page, and then promplty re-blocked him. it's so funny to type it, to admit it out there in the cyberspaces, that i am one of those people, but that's how i do. :) i was happy to see that he changed his profile picture and seems to be tagged in a few pictures at parties and stuff. so he's being social. also, and probably most critical to me, he is still listed as Single. although, after reading the latest on his wall posts, the girls he is meeting out there seem to be chatting him up quite a bit. so good for that. i think i mainly check on him because i get worried that he has sequestered himself and might not be too social. but it looks like he's doing a good job of getting out, so that is the best thing i could ask for.

of course, if he calls, i will post. if he doesn't, i imagine i will be posting anyway, because the holidays make me think a LOT.

the title 'heart chaos' also has to do with a lot of my emotional state right now, i am feeling the ache to have a love that 'lasts forever' [i have sappy movies to blame for that]. i am feeling like i wasted 2008 and that i still don't have a 'Big Girl' job like i wanted to have back in January. i am feeling like i am always too quick to talk and volunteer things about myself before i take the time to listen [i am getting a big "SHUT UP" sign from God right now]. i am feeling like the only boys i might ever be interested in romantically, could potentially, reject me because of the fact that i have a past that doesn't exactly shine like the sun. i am feeling like there are issues with my family that i just can't pinpoint, that i would rather crawl to the top of Mt. Everest in a bikini than sit at my grandmother's table and eat Christmas dinner for 1 minute {what is it?!}

so much to think about. so much heart chaos.

friends and/or family

i don't want to spend anymore holidays with my family.

i might just save all my money from this point forward in a separate savings account so that i can afford to:

1-mail presents to my family members
2-take a trip to someplace exotic so that instead of saying "Lisa can't make it to Christmas because she's skipping out", they can say "Lisa can't make it because she's going to Ireland." "Lisa can't make it to Thanksgiving dinner because she's in Kakadu"
3-hopefully, maybe find a way not to travel alone

it's official, i think that holidays are WAY better when you spend them with friends.

think Christmassy

being single at Christmas time is new to me, i haven't been single at Christmas time for 5 years...so needless to say, the holiday was difficult.

first of all, it was hard because i have 0, zip, zilch spending money, and all of my paycheck goes towards paying my bills, so i wasn't able to afford Christmas. i thought that this was going to be alright because my older sister Melodie was down from Massachusetts (where she's been working in Americorps and is SO poor that she is living on food stamps [and loving it]), and i was certain that she wouldn't be giving presents, so i wouldn't be the only one who wasn't giving gifts. and our Mom has almost no income so i was sure that she wasn't really going to be giving gifts, and my younger sister, Sophie, is still in college and doesn't have a job, so i was sure she wasn't going to be giving gifts either. so, in my head, i've just come to terms with the fact that Christmas is solely going to be about spending time with my family, and not giving or getting presents.

that is, i felt that way until Mel pulls out our presents and Mom pulls out our stockings and Sophie says "Your presents are back in the closet, when do y'all want to exchange?"

i said "i thought we weren't doing Christmas, i didn't get anybody anything and now i'm going to feel bad because i didn't get you anything and it makes me look like the bad sister."

in unison, all three of them said, "Don't feel bad, it is really okay". and as i tried to hold back the tears i was overwhelmed with the fact that i have, yet again, let my family down. i didn't get them anything and they all got me something. blah.


second of all, the holiday was hard because although i do have great sisters and a funny mother and hilarious grandfather to spend them with, there are these other people that i am connected to by blood, they are my aunts and uncles. oh my gosh, seriously, i have no idea how someone so fascinating as myself and as fun as each of my sisters are could be related to these people.

Christmas lunch was SO DULL, i can't even describe how dull it was.

i think that it would be more fun, and more eventful to watch hair grow.

of course, my current single status has a lot to with the fact that no one could really make conversation with me. i think i made the usual-awkward-"i only see you twice a year"-conversations even more awkward because no one could think of anything to say to me. i think they were all tiptoeing around talking to me because i am sure that these were the only questions they could come up with:

"Where's Seth?" (i'm not sure that my aunts and uncles even know what i am going through, much less why)
"How you holding up?" (because it is so sad for you to be living with your mom and grandfather again isn't it?)
"So.........?"

third of all, the holiday was difficult because at times, all i could think about was Seth being alone with our silly dog, and whether or not i should call him, because we did promise to stay friends and i did want him to know that i was thinking of him.

fourth of all, i wanted to fast-forward to those great times in my life that lie ahead of me, the ones where i am comfortably happy and settled down with the most amazing man ever, and my sisters and their lovely husbands and children are there and we are gathered around the table, talking and laughing, and making memories.

all i want to do is have a memorable holiday where my family is fun and joyful and we spend countless hours together laughing and spoiling dinner by eating dessert first, and playing board games and looking at old pictures.

the only, only, highlight of Christmas day was spending time with two of my best friends, Carla and Ray, and although we watched a highly disappointing movie (Superbad) it was great to have people who want to laugh and have a good time and who know exactly what i am thinking before i say it at all. i still don't even feel like yesterday was Christmas. booooooo for not feeling very Christmassy.


what about you? how was your Christmas? do tell.