think Christmassy

being single at Christmas time is new to me, i haven't been single at Christmas time for 5 years...so needless to say, the holiday was difficult.

first of all, it was hard because i have 0, zip, zilch spending money, and all of my paycheck goes towards paying my bills, so i wasn't able to afford Christmas. i thought that this was going to be alright because my older sister Melodie was down from Massachusetts (where she's been working in Americorps and is SO poor that she is living on food stamps [and loving it]), and i was certain that she wouldn't be giving presents, so i wouldn't be the only one who wasn't giving gifts. and our Mom has almost no income so i was sure that she wasn't really going to be giving gifts, and my younger sister, Sophie, is still in college and doesn't have a job, so i was sure she wasn't going to be giving gifts either. so, in my head, i've just come to terms with the fact that Christmas is solely going to be about spending time with my family, and not giving or getting presents.

that is, i felt that way until Mel pulls out our presents and Mom pulls out our stockings and Sophie says "Your presents are back in the closet, when do y'all want to exchange?"

i said "i thought we weren't doing Christmas, i didn't get anybody anything and now i'm going to feel bad because i didn't get you anything and it makes me look like the bad sister."

in unison, all three of them said, "Don't feel bad, it is really okay". and as i tried to hold back the tears i was overwhelmed with the fact that i have, yet again, let my family down. i didn't get them anything and they all got me something. blah.


second of all, the holiday was hard because although i do have great sisters and a funny mother and hilarious grandfather to spend them with, there are these other people that i am connected to by blood, they are my aunts and uncles. oh my gosh, seriously, i have no idea how someone so fascinating as myself and as fun as each of my sisters are could be related to these people.

Christmas lunch was SO DULL, i can't even describe how dull it was.

i think that it would be more fun, and more eventful to watch hair grow.

of course, my current single status has a lot to with the fact that no one could really make conversation with me. i think i made the usual-awkward-"i only see you twice a year"-conversations even more awkward because no one could think of anything to say to me. i think they were all tiptoeing around talking to me because i am sure that these were the only questions they could come up with:

"Where's Seth?" (i'm not sure that my aunts and uncles even know what i am going through, much less why)
"How you holding up?" (because it is so sad for you to be living with your mom and grandfather again isn't it?)
"So.........?"

third of all, the holiday was difficult because at times, all i could think about was Seth being alone with our silly dog, and whether or not i should call him, because we did promise to stay friends and i did want him to know that i was thinking of him.

fourth of all, i wanted to fast-forward to those great times in my life that lie ahead of me, the ones where i am comfortably happy and settled down with the most amazing man ever, and my sisters and their lovely husbands and children are there and we are gathered around the table, talking and laughing, and making memories.

all i want to do is have a memorable holiday where my family is fun and joyful and we spend countless hours together laughing and spoiling dinner by eating dessert first, and playing board games and looking at old pictures.

the only, only, highlight of Christmas day was spending time with two of my best friends, Carla and Ray, and although we watched a highly disappointing movie (Superbad) it was great to have people who want to laugh and have a good time and who know exactly what i am thinking before i say it at all. i still don't even feel like yesterday was Christmas. booooooo for not feeling very Christmassy.


what about you? how was your Christmas? do tell.