it's funny when you are jolted awake by your roommate at 6:20 am.
Carla:
Leeeese! I heard crying outside and I am too scared to go to my car.
me:
whuaa?
Carla:
I hear noises every morning and sometimes it spooks me out, but I was just in the kitchen and that noise was RIGHT outside. I cannot open the door and knowingly go outside.
me:
[jumps out of bed, pulls some pants on]
okay.
we walk downstairs, open the front door, there is nothing to be noted. one of our neighbors is walking to his car, a few houses down. no explanations for the 'crying' noise.
Carla:
okay, thanks. sorry to wake you up.
me:
buuuuuuuuuuh. [zombie noise]
as i climbed the stairs back to my room, i shuttle my cat back into the room so that i can lock the door. then i promptly got scared.
it wouldn't have gotten to me except that Carla had described it as 'crying'. something is 'beeping', something is 'banging', something is 'knocking', those i could deal with.
crying? i don't do ghosts or wild animals with creepy noises. also in this category would be any type of neighbor who takes their morning walk to cry on our porch. so yeah, then i started freaking out.
this is when i wish there was a man in the house, so that he can change my oil and go scare the weeping ghosts from our front porch. boo!
Showing posts with label tired. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tired. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
heart chaos.
i would be pretending if i said that everything is coming up roses in my life right now.
in the past week i have had 5 serious talks with 4 separate people about things that have been experienced or observed about interactions with said people, and those kind of serious conversations always take a lot out of me. like, my appetite goes away and whatever i do eat gives me serious stomach problems. my nerves just go straight through the roof, it's obnoxious.
also, i called Seth last week and got an automated voicemail, didn't leave a message, but then called him the next night and left a message. tried to do like Monica and sound 'breezy' [Friends? anyone?] but i wasn't calling for any reason except to see how he's doing. it has been over 400 days since i saw him, and right at about 6 months since i last spoke with him [since May] and i haven't missed him or wanted to be back with him once. i can honestly stand behind our decision to split, but that doesn't mean that i don't want to be cordial and call him. and, the holiday cheer/spirit got to me and i felt like it's probably the most appropriate time of the year to extend an olive branch.
he hasn't called back.
i wonder if i have the wrong number. either way, i'm not too worried about it. mostly because i do what any good 'ex' would do, i.e. i used facebook to check on him.
back in October i realized that i was looking at his page too often, and so i blocked him and i hadn't allowed myself to look at his page for a very long time. but on Sunday night, i guess i relapsed, i went into facebook, unblocked him, looked at his page, and then promplty re-blocked him. it's so funny to type it, to admit it out there in the cyberspaces, that i am one of those people, but that's how i do. :) i was happy to see that he changed his profile picture and seems to be tagged in a few pictures at parties and stuff. so he's being social. also, and probably most critical to me, he is still listed as Single. although, after reading the latest on his wall posts, the girls he is meeting out there seem to be chatting him up quite a bit. so good for that. i think i mainly check on him because i get worried that he has sequestered himself and might not be too social. but it looks like he's doing a good job of getting out, so that is the best thing i could ask for.
of course, if he calls, i will post. if he doesn't, i imagine i will be posting anyway, because the holidays make me think a LOT.
the title 'heart chaos' also has to do with a lot of my emotional state right now, i am feeling the ache to have a love that 'lasts forever' [i have sappy movies to blame for that]. i am feeling like i wasted 2008 and that i still don't have a 'Big Girl' job like i wanted to have back in January. i am feeling like i am always too quick to talk and volunteer things about myself before i take the time to listen [i am getting a big "SHUT UP" sign from God right now]. i am feeling like the only boys i might ever be interested in romantically, could potentially, reject me because of the fact that i have a past that doesn't exactly shine like the sun. i am feeling like there are issues with my family that i just can't pinpoint, that i would rather crawl to the top of Mt. Everest in a bikini than sit at my grandmother's table and eat Christmas dinner for 1 minute {what is it?!}
so much to think about. so much heart chaos.
in the past week i have had 5 serious talks with 4 separate people about things that have been experienced or observed about interactions with said people, and those kind of serious conversations always take a lot out of me. like, my appetite goes away and whatever i do eat gives me serious stomach problems. my nerves just go straight through the roof, it's obnoxious.
also, i called Seth last week and got an automated voicemail, didn't leave a message, but then called him the next night and left a message. tried to do like Monica and sound 'breezy' [Friends? anyone?] but i wasn't calling for any reason except to see how he's doing. it has been over 400 days since i saw him, and right at about 6 months since i last spoke with him [since May] and i haven't missed him or wanted to be back with him once. i can honestly stand behind our decision to split, but that doesn't mean that i don't want to be cordial and call him. and, the holiday cheer/spirit got to me and i felt like it's probably the most appropriate time of the year to extend an olive branch.
he hasn't called back.
i wonder if i have the wrong number. either way, i'm not too worried about it. mostly because i do what any good 'ex' would do, i.e. i used facebook to check on him.
back in October i realized that i was looking at his page too often, and so i blocked him and i hadn't allowed myself to look at his page for a very long time. but on Sunday night, i guess i relapsed, i went into facebook, unblocked him, looked at his page, and then promplty re-blocked him. it's so funny to type it, to admit it out there in the cyberspaces, that i am one of those people, but that's how i do. :) i was happy to see that he changed his profile picture and seems to be tagged in a few pictures at parties and stuff. so he's being social. also, and probably most critical to me, he is still listed as Single. although, after reading the latest on his wall posts, the girls he is meeting out there seem to be chatting him up quite a bit. so good for that. i think i mainly check on him because i get worried that he has sequestered himself and might not be too social. but it looks like he's doing a good job of getting out, so that is the best thing i could ask for.
of course, if he calls, i will post. if he doesn't, i imagine i will be posting anyway, because the holidays make me think a LOT.
the title 'heart chaos' also has to do with a lot of my emotional state right now, i am feeling the ache to have a love that 'lasts forever' [i have sappy movies to blame for that]. i am feeling like i wasted 2008 and that i still don't have a 'Big Girl' job like i wanted to have back in January. i am feeling like i am always too quick to talk and volunteer things about myself before i take the time to listen [i am getting a big "SHUT UP" sign from God right now]. i am feeling like the only boys i might ever be interested in romantically, could potentially, reject me because of the fact that i have a past that doesn't exactly shine like the sun. i am feeling like there are issues with my family that i just can't pinpoint, that i would rather crawl to the top of Mt. Everest in a bikini than sit at my grandmother's table and eat Christmas dinner for 1 minute {what is it?!}
so much to think about. so much heart chaos.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
what to say.....
i am becoming more and more comfortable with sharing the fact that the divorce is finalized and that i am single....
the thing is now that it's official, the most common response that i've been getting is
"and how do you feel about it?"
it sometimes prompts me to want to scream
"ELATED!"
"OVERWHELMINGLY HAPPY!"
"LIKE A MILLION BUCKS!"
but whenever someone asks me this, i just wonder to myself, what do they mean? should i feel any differently now than i have in the past?
do they expect me to feel differently? before it was official, whenever i was asked this question, my response has been the same: it's the best decision i've ever made. ever.
seriously! the BEST decision!
now that it's official, i'm only MORE AFFIRMED that this has been the best decision for me even if it was hard.
recently i've been attending an Early 20's Singles class at a local church and while i've enjoyed meeting the people and being introduced to other people my age, i have to say, that this group of people is full of misguided, naive and ultra-conservative folks. i haven't exactly spilled the beans that i'm a recent divorcee, mainly because it's none of their business, but also because i get the slightest, faintest feeling that they might just shun me or have me wear a scarlet letter "D" to any of their group meetings!!! ha!
on their singles ministry website they have a special note saying that this group is for people who are single and have never been married.........this is something that i choose to ignore. i would think that their "divorced" class would be filled with much older, much less easy to relate to people.....
anyway, i can only imagine what their responses would be if i were to out myself and just declare to the group "You guys are so so so narrow-minded! i'm a divorcee and i've never been more at peace with a decision in my life!" i'm sure that i'd get a response of "God didn't want you to get a divorce" and "There's no room for divorce in God's love" etc etc. but right now i'm flying below radar. just trying to enjoy being around other people who are in similar life situations....with similar beliefs....but i don't know how long i'll be able to hold my tongue in such settings anymore. i just feel like they need to be shaken up a little. they need to be reminded that Jesus would've been sharing meals with Hell's Angels, prostitutes, Marilyn Manson AND me, and He would never make us wear scarlet letters.
alright.
i know that was a little scatter-brained, but i've been needing to say something about something, so that was it.
OH,
and no word on the job interview, if she wants to interview me in the second round then i will find out on Thursday....i'd be super-stoked if i were to get a second interview (the company was really fresh, the staff was really young and smart, the dress was casual, etc....) but if i don't i'm sure that God has something else in mind for me....i just hope i am smart enough to recognize it when it happens....especially because i am thisclose to putting in my 2 weeks at the restaurant <--will explain this in a separate post soon.
the thing is now that it's official, the most common response that i've been getting is
"and how do you feel about it?"
it sometimes prompts me to want to scream
"ELATED!"
"OVERWHELMINGLY HAPPY!"
"LIKE A MILLION BUCKS!"
but whenever someone asks me this, i just wonder to myself, what do they mean? should i feel any differently now than i have in the past?
do they expect me to feel differently? before it was official, whenever i was asked this question, my response has been the same: it's the best decision i've ever made. ever.
seriously! the BEST decision!
now that it's official, i'm only MORE AFFIRMED that this has been the best decision for me even if it was hard.
recently i've been attending an Early 20's Singles class at a local church and while i've enjoyed meeting the people and being introduced to other people my age, i have to say, that this group of people is full of misguided, naive and ultra-conservative folks. i haven't exactly spilled the beans that i'm a recent divorcee, mainly because it's none of their business, but also because i get the slightest, faintest feeling that they might just shun me or have me wear a scarlet letter "D" to any of their group meetings!!! ha!
on their singles ministry website they have a special note saying that this group is for people who are single and have never been married.........this is something that i choose to ignore. i would think that their "divorced" class would be filled with much older, much less easy to relate to people.....
anyway, i can only imagine what their responses would be if i were to out myself and just declare to the group "You guys are so so so narrow-minded! i'm a divorcee and i've never been more at peace with a decision in my life!" i'm sure that i'd get a response of "God didn't want you to get a divorce" and "There's no room for divorce in God's love" etc etc. but right now i'm flying below radar. just trying to enjoy being around other people who are in similar life situations....with similar beliefs....but i don't know how long i'll be able to hold my tongue in such settings anymore. i just feel like they need to be shaken up a little. they need to be reminded that Jesus would've been sharing meals with Hell's Angels, prostitutes, Marilyn Manson AND me, and He would never make us wear scarlet letters.
alright.
i know that was a little scatter-brained, but i've been needing to say something about something, so that was it.
OH,
and no word on the job interview, if she wants to interview me in the second round then i will find out on Thursday....i'd be super-stoked if i were to get a second interview (the company was really fresh, the staff was really young and smart, the dress was casual, etc....) but if i don't i'm sure that God has something else in mind for me....i just hope i am smart enough to recognize it when it happens....especially because i am thisclose to putting in my 2 weeks at the restaurant <--will explain this in a separate post soon.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
standing at a crossroads
i don't want to work at the restaurant anymore. i can't take it. i want to help with the flood relief in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, but i can't afford to just up and go out there. i want to be making a difference, i want to be paid to live my life and not begging for hours to get tips from people.
but i keep standing back, looking at my life, asking, seriously, "what does God want me to be learning from my life right now?"
WHAT does He want me to be learning?
what direction am i going in?
what am i supposed to do?
being at a crossroads means that i feel like my feet are confused, they don't know which way to point, which in turn gives me rubber knees and that awful shaky wobbly leg feeling.
WHAT?!
but i keep standing back, looking at my life, asking, seriously, "what does God want me to be learning from my life right now?"
WHAT does He want me to be learning?
what direction am i going in?
what am i supposed to do?
being at a crossroads means that i feel like my feet are confused, they don't know which way to point, which in turn gives me rubber knees and that awful shaky wobbly leg feeling.
WHAT?!
Sunday, June 8, 2008
exploring my options
the guy that i was seeing was really incredible when we met.
Paul was warm and full of compliments and just really a breath of fresh air. he understood my jokes and appreciated my wit and dry sense of humor immediately. i didn't have to dumb down our conversations or use 5th grade friendly vocabulary. he told me i was the most amazing woman he had ever met, and he meant it.
we connected on our life experiences, middle kids, unappreciated talents, rough relationships (he was with a girl for 2 years, they were engaged and she broke it off at Christmas), etc. i felt embraced and accepted and, yes, even loved by Paul.
but Paul hit some bumps along the road in the last few months and seems to have gone down in a downward spiral, i think that he is really sinking into depression, and he doesn't seem to have any optimism about his future.
i am probably one of the most patient, and overly optimistic people that you'll ever know. really, i truly truly believe that things will always get better, there will always be a reason to smile, you may have to search for it but there is always a silver lining. always.
even though Paul was really going through a hard spot, i tried to show him the good things, i tried to show him that things would and will get better one day, but really all he responded with was "no they won't, my life sucks, God is punishing me." etc. it was UNBEARABLE.
i found myself carrying our relationship. i found myself calling him only to get voicemail, texting only to get no response, messaging him to get no answer. if and when he did answer he was automatically irritated with me. and even though i adored him in the beginning, he was proving to be a very lousy companion.
so this past Thursday night, i got off of work and called him to see if we could hang out. i got no response. i texted, i got no response. my instincts kicked in and i drove to his work, he wasn't there. so yes, i spent my gas driving all the way to his house to see if he was home. he was.
i didn't go knock on the door. i didn't want to come across as the scary stalkerish type, but i wanted to talk to him and i was going to talk to him one way or another.
so i texted "I'm outside your place, in my car" and i waited.
ten minutes later i got a phone call, it was Paul and he was irritated "You're outside my place right now?"
"Yep."
"Why?"
"Because i wanted to talk to you and you weren't answering your phone."
at this point he has come outside and we're off the phone and his face is reading "you're a crazy person".
that's when i said it was over. i yelled at him, i cried at him, i gave him a hug, i let him hold me, but i pushed him away. he said that he was sorry he couldn't give me what i need or deserve right now, and i told him that i was sorry too. i told him that if the Paul i met 3 months ago ever comes back then he needs to call me, but that i couldn't stay and wait on it.
i said i am a quality woman and that i need something where i feel accepted and loved because i was married to a shitty relationship where i carried it and it was back-breaking and i wised up and got out of it before i was completely broken and that i was NOT going to do that again.
he cried.
he broke down and i saw a glimpse of the original Paul, and he apologized more sincerely than before and he just said "i'm sorry that i can't be the guy you need and that i have hurt you because you are right you're an amazing woman and you deserve better than me. you are the most beautiful and wonderful woman i have ever dated and i was lucky that you ever considered me."
when i asked if he'd lost interest or if i had done something wrong, he said that i had been "perfect" and hadn't done anything that would warrant being treated so shitty. he was right. i mean, i'm a few shades shy of perfect but i did treat him really really well and he was lucky to date me.
i cried practically the whole way home, and cried myself to sleep. but i rested well knowing that i wasn't sticking with something unhealthy because i was scared i won't find something else.
actually, this time, i plan on letting something find me. i will be exploring my options.
Paul was warm and full of compliments and just really a breath of fresh air. he understood my jokes and appreciated my wit and dry sense of humor immediately. i didn't have to dumb down our conversations or use 5th grade friendly vocabulary. he told me i was the most amazing woman he had ever met, and he meant it.
we connected on our life experiences, middle kids, unappreciated talents, rough relationships (he was with a girl for 2 years, they were engaged and she broke it off at Christmas), etc. i felt embraced and accepted and, yes, even loved by Paul.
but Paul hit some bumps along the road in the last few months and seems to have gone down in a downward spiral, i think that he is really sinking into depression, and he doesn't seem to have any optimism about his future.
i am probably one of the most patient, and overly optimistic people that you'll ever know. really, i truly truly believe that things will always get better, there will always be a reason to smile, you may have to search for it but there is always a silver lining. always.
even though Paul was really going through a hard spot, i tried to show him the good things, i tried to show him that things would and will get better one day, but really all he responded with was "no they won't, my life sucks, God is punishing me." etc. it was UNBEARABLE.
i found myself carrying our relationship. i found myself calling him only to get voicemail, texting only to get no response, messaging him to get no answer. if and when he did answer he was automatically irritated with me. and even though i adored him in the beginning, he was proving to be a very lousy companion.
so this past Thursday night, i got off of work and called him to see if we could hang out. i got no response. i texted, i got no response. my instincts kicked in and i drove to his work, he wasn't there. so yes, i spent my gas driving all the way to his house to see if he was home. he was.
i didn't go knock on the door. i didn't want to come across as the scary stalkerish type, but i wanted to talk to him and i was going to talk to him one way or another.
so i texted "I'm outside your place, in my car" and i waited.
ten minutes later i got a phone call, it was Paul and he was irritated "You're outside my place right now?"
"Yep."
"Why?"
"Because i wanted to talk to you and you weren't answering your phone."
at this point he has come outside and we're off the phone and his face is reading "you're a crazy person".
that's when i said it was over. i yelled at him, i cried at him, i gave him a hug, i let him hold me, but i pushed him away. he said that he was sorry he couldn't give me what i need or deserve right now, and i told him that i was sorry too. i told him that if the Paul i met 3 months ago ever comes back then he needs to call me, but that i couldn't stay and wait on it.
i said i am a quality woman and that i need something where i feel accepted and loved because i was married to a shitty relationship where i carried it and it was back-breaking and i wised up and got out of it before i was completely broken and that i was NOT going to do that again.
he cried.
he broke down and i saw a glimpse of the original Paul, and he apologized more sincerely than before and he just said "i'm sorry that i can't be the guy you need and that i have hurt you because you are right you're an amazing woman and you deserve better than me. you are the most beautiful and wonderful woman i have ever dated and i was lucky that you ever considered me."
when i asked if he'd lost interest or if i had done something wrong, he said that i had been "perfect" and hadn't done anything that would warrant being treated so shitty. he was right. i mean, i'm a few shades shy of perfect but i did treat him really really well and he was lucky to date me.
i cried practically the whole way home, and cried myself to sleep. but i rested well knowing that i wasn't sticking with something unhealthy because i was scared i won't find something else.
actually, this time, i plan on letting something find me. i will be exploring my options.
Friday, May 2, 2008
unconstructive
i think that i need some kind of ADD medicine in order to get things done once i get home.
actually, i think that it would ultimately help me in the workplace as well, even at the restaurant that i currently work at, because of all the multi-tasking that it takes in order to get things done.
it also doesn't help that doing lunch and dinner shifts at the restaurant means that i am dog-tired by the time that i get home and it makes me not want to do anything except eat and nap.
also,
i got a kitten.
she is certifiably insane.
all she wants to do is bite my hands, 24/7.
but she is super cute, and i named her Peppy. she makes me happy, she sleeps on my pillow next to my head and purrs whenever i move, that is her one redeeming quality. that, and the sheer fact that having her means that Seth can't say BOO about it because he had me resigned to the fact that i would never have a kitten or a cat because he was allergic.
sneeze on this Peppy, Seth! take some damn claritin and shut up!
:)
actually, i think that it would ultimately help me in the workplace as well, even at the restaurant that i currently work at, because of all the multi-tasking that it takes in order to get things done.
it also doesn't help that doing lunch and dinner shifts at the restaurant means that i am dog-tired by the time that i get home and it makes me not want to do anything except eat and nap.
also,
i got a kitten.
she is certifiably insane.
all she wants to do is bite my hands, 24/7.
but she is super cute, and i named her Peppy. she makes me happy, she sleeps on my pillow next to my head and purrs whenever i move, that is her one redeeming quality. that, and the sheer fact that having her means that Seth can't say BOO about it because he had me resigned to the fact that i would never have a kitten or a cat because he was allergic.
sneeze on this Peppy, Seth! take some damn claritin and shut up!
:)
Friday, April 4, 2008
whirlwind
my life since i started my full-time job has definitely been a BIG change, and honestly, i'm not sure how i feel about it.
gotta be honest:
i don't like sitting all day.
i don't like sitting in a cubicle all day.
i don't like sitting in a cubicle all day talking to people on the phone.
i don't like sitting in a cubicle all day talking to people on the phone without talking to hardly anyone else in person.
sucks.
what's worse is that my cube is so far deep into the room that, if i didn't have to ask my co-workers' any questions about the procedures i wouldn't know what the weather was like outside.
it's a little depressing.
also,
i don't have time to blog or read blogs.
and it makes me sad.
:(
also. i missed one day of work, i missed 30 minutes of work another day, and according to the employee handbook, if i am late or miss work one more time until April 1 2009 TWO-THOUSAND-NINE, i can be terminated.
awesome.
i've not even been there a month, and i'm on my "final warning". Shit.
gotta be honest:
i don't like sitting all day.
i don't like sitting in a cubicle all day.
i don't like sitting in a cubicle all day talking to people on the phone.
i don't like sitting in a cubicle all day talking to people on the phone without talking to hardly anyone else in person.
sucks.
what's worse is that my cube is so far deep into the room that, if i didn't have to ask my co-workers' any questions about the procedures i wouldn't know what the weather was like outside.
it's a little depressing.
also,
i don't have time to blog or read blogs.
and it makes me sad.
:(
also. i missed one day of work, i missed 30 minutes of work another day, and according to the employee handbook, if i am late or miss work one more time until April 1 2009 TWO-THOUSAND-NINE, i can be terminated.
awesome.
i've not even been there a month, and i'm on my "final warning". Shit.
Monday, March 24, 2008
delivered.
the postman delivered my unmarried-ment papers today.
carla got the mail.
i was gone from 7:30am to 9:00pm.
when i got home, she says "your mail is on your bed".
i walk into my room.
i see a package from a friend who lives in Georgia. she knitted me a hat, i've been expecting it.
last thursday Seth called me while i was at work. i answered it.
he said the unmarried papers were on their way and that i need to sign them and mail them back as soon as i can, so we can "get this show on the road".
they were on the bed, under the hat package.
it was weird tearing open the envelope and reading the lawyer-speak.
Wright vs. Wright.
"No children."
"Mrs. Wright is not pregnant."
"There is no property to be disputed."
"Mrs. Wright wishes to return to her maiden name: _______"
etc.
it was just weird to have this "court"-like language describing the dissolution of our marriage.
the only highlight was that i wore my cute new hat while i read over the papers.
now i guess i just have to make copies for my own files, sign them, and send them back.
what a heavy way to start the week.
carla got the mail.
i was gone from 7:30am to 9:00pm.
when i got home, she says "your mail is on your bed".
i walk into my room.
i see a package from a friend who lives in Georgia. she knitted me a hat, i've been expecting it.
last thursday Seth called me while i was at work. i answered it.
he said the unmarried papers were on their way and that i need to sign them and mail them back as soon as i can, so we can "get this show on the road".
they were on the bed, under the hat package.
it was weird tearing open the envelope and reading the lawyer-speak.
Wright vs. Wright.
"No children."
"Mrs. Wright is not pregnant."
"There is no property to be disputed."
"Mrs. Wright wishes to return to her maiden name: _______"
etc.
it was just weird to have this "court"-like language describing the dissolution of our marriage.
the only highlight was that i wore my cute new hat while i read over the papers.
now i guess i just have to make copies for my own files, sign them, and send them back.
what a heavy way to start the week.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
ovarian cysts and lack of sleep=exhausted
after a few weeks of being in on-again/off-again agony, Carla went to the Emergency Room yesterday, i joined her after i got off from work, and it turns out, she was in excruciating pain because she has 2 large ovarian cysts.
crazy huh? yeah. the weirdest part is that even though they said that they'll have to operate in order to help them go away, they discharged her last night (Tuesday) and told her to come back on Friday for the operation. her question, and mine too, was mainly, what did they expect her to do all day Wednesday and Thursday?
she is literally in constant pain, and the pain medicine doesn't really cut it, and she can't really sleep or lay down.
it's crazy, and we don't know how serious it is yet, but nonetheless it's scary. scary scary scary.
on top of that, my new job has been overwhelming, but in a good way.
there is an upside and a downside to the new job:
-upside-
money, feeling more secure, less time to sit and dwell on my unmarried-ness.
-downside-
not a morning person, people at work are nice but no one talks to one another, add in the waitressing job on the side and i'm super tired.
the biggest downside is that i don't have time to blog.......
crazy huh? yeah. the weirdest part is that even though they said that they'll have to operate in order to help them go away, they discharged her last night (Tuesday) and told her to come back on Friday for the operation. her question, and mine too, was mainly, what did they expect her to do all day Wednesday and Thursday?
she is literally in constant pain, and the pain medicine doesn't really cut it, and she can't really sleep or lay down.
it's crazy, and we don't know how serious it is yet, but nonetheless it's scary. scary scary scary.
on top of that, my new job has been overwhelming, but in a good way.
there is an upside and a downside to the new job:
-upside-
money, feeling more secure, less time to sit and dwell on my unmarried-ness.
-downside-
not a morning person, people at work are nice but no one talks to one another, add in the waitressing job on the side and i'm super tired.
the biggest downside is that i don't have time to blog.......
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
in the back of my mind
i am not one to wallow.
i don't like when people dwell on things and/or dig them up only to beat them to death again, but, i have found myself wishing i could just have someone who:
could go investigate scary noises in the middle of the night,
could pop the hood of my car up and tell me why it has started to sound like an old wheezing man,
would hold me close and smell my hair,
call me for no reason except to say that he thinks i'm great,
tells me funny stories because he knows they'll make me laugh,
i guess i'm just feeling lonely for some male attention. and the other thing is, all of those things that i want are things that Seth never did for me, so really, if i ever had these things, i haven't had them or experienced them in over 5 years.
Lord i need a job so that i can stop dwelling on this stuff!!!!
i don't like when people dwell on things and/or dig them up only to beat them to death again, but, i have found myself wishing i could just have someone who:
could go investigate scary noises in the middle of the night,
could pop the hood of my car up and tell me why it has started to sound like an old wheezing man,
would hold me close and smell my hair,
call me for no reason except to say that he thinks i'm great,
tells me funny stories because he knows they'll make me laugh,
i guess i'm just feeling lonely for some male attention. and the other thing is, all of those things that i want are things that Seth never did for me, so really, if i ever had these things, i haven't had them or experienced them in over 5 years.
Lord i need a job so that i can stop dwelling on this stuff!!!!
Friday, January 11, 2008
from the horse's mouth
this is a direct copy and paste from my email, it's from Seth.
he is working an hourly job at a retail store, and i am going to be unemployed any-day now as i was only a seasonal hire at the bookstore where i work, (although i plan on being hired by the company that i had a mini-interview with yesterday), and so, i thought about having him try to find a way to file the papers himself, OR finding a lawyer who doesn't charge $640 to do our un-marry-ment papers.
oh well, i have no idea how lawyers can charge so much, but that is not up to me.
as for now, i am going to go spend the better part of my day standing behind a cash-register and get paid only $7.50 an hour to do it.
at least it's friday!
i move into my new place on Tuesday!!!!!!!!!
hey
I found out today that I have to have lived in KY for 6 months before we can file divorce here. So it looks like it will be a couple more months before we can start it up. It also looks like it will be about $640 that we can split. Thats about as cheap as it gets here and not all that bad all things considered. The laws are pretty dang intricate and its not really easy to file yourself. I'll let you know as I find more stuff out. It will be about 60 days after we file for it all to go through. (aproximatly) So, looks like we are in this until about Mayish. Alrighty, I guess I'll talk to you later. -Seth
he is working an hourly job at a retail store, and i am going to be unemployed any-day now as i was only a seasonal hire at the bookstore where i work, (although i plan on being hired by the company that i had a mini-interview with yesterday), and so, i thought about having him try to find a way to file the papers himself, OR finding a lawyer who doesn't charge $640 to do our un-marry-ment papers.
oh well, i have no idea how lawyers can charge so much, but that is not up to me.
as for now, i am going to go spend the better part of my day standing behind a cash-register and get paid only $7.50 an hour to do it.
at least it's friday!
i move into my new place on Tuesday!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
ettiquette for the unmarried
so.
Seth and i spent a long time picking out the fine china from the Kate Spade collection, only to use it once, and now that we are getting un-married, well, we certainly have no use for it. so i called him and left him a voicemail the other night, just to say that we needed to talk.
he called today and we talked. i asked him what we should do about the china, and he said that he would have to talk to his aunt because all of our china is over there at her house...but i think the plan is try to return it, and then split the money.
then i asked about whether or not he had filed the un-marry-ment papers, and he was like, "I haven't had the chance yet, I've been working during daytime work hours, so I haven't gotten to talk to the lawyers yet." and i was like, well, let me know when you do, okay? and he's like "Well, okay, but I am busy, so I will try to fit it in."
then he says, "I've still be thinking about those rings, and I think that you need to give them back so that I can sell them because I mean, I bought them with my money, so I think it is only fair that I should have them back."
me: "i don't agree, i mean, you gave them to me. they are mine."
him: "but I bought them"
me: "but they belong to me. they are mine to keep or sell or do whatever i want with."
him: "okay, well I think we should talk about this more later."
me: "well, i'm going to hold onto them."
when i hung up i just wanted to throw the phone. i had hot tears welling up in my eyes. how does he still have the power to make me feel like sh*t from 4 states away. UGH.
they are not his rings, they are mine. am i wrong?
Seth and i spent a long time picking out the fine china from the Kate Spade collection, only to use it once, and now that we are getting un-married, well, we certainly have no use for it. so i called him and left him a voicemail the other night, just to say that we needed to talk.
he called today and we talked. i asked him what we should do about the china, and he said that he would have to talk to his aunt because all of our china is over there at her house...but i think the plan is try to return it, and then split the money.
then i asked about whether or not he had filed the un-marry-ment papers, and he was like, "I haven't had the chance yet, I've been working during daytime work hours, so I haven't gotten to talk to the lawyers yet." and i was like, well, let me know when you do, okay? and he's like "Well, okay, but I am busy, so I will try to fit it in."
then he says, "I've still be thinking about those rings, and I think that you need to give them back so that I can sell them because I mean, I bought them with my money, so I think it is only fair that I should have them back."
me: "i don't agree, i mean, you gave them to me. they are mine."
him: "but I bought them"
me: "but they belong to me. they are mine to keep or sell or do whatever i want with."
him: "okay, well I think we should talk about this more later."
me: "well, i'm going to hold onto them."
when i hung up i just wanted to throw the phone. i had hot tears welling up in my eyes. how does he still have the power to make me feel like sh*t from 4 states away. UGH.
they are not his rings, they are mine. am i wrong?
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
underneath
the other night i could not sleep.
my younger sister has come home for her winter break from college and so i've been sharing a bed with her.
she has to go to sleep early because she works as a CNA at a local hospital and has to get up and work very early.
so she was already asleep and it was getting late and i knew i needed to get some rest, but i was restless.
so i got in bed, and as i lay there, for the next hour and a half, i couldn't sleep.
my mind wandered from one subject to another:
-my wedding and engagement rings, what do i do with them? if i needed the money would it be wrong to sell them? should i give them back to Seth and just do away with the weirdness of having them?
-being completely and solidly broke so much that i cannot afford to buy presents for anyone. that my plans for this Christmas really just include writing some quality letters to my friends and family.
-the fact that i am an incredible woman and the fact that Seth missed this point is precisely why it was unhealthy for me to stay in that marriage. i mean, seriously, i am a catch. the man that i want to spend the rest of my life with needs to be the kind of man who realizes how lucky we are to have each other!
-i've been trying to find a full-time job and this week i need to do some follow-up calls in order to see what the status of my job applications are....this really freaks me out mainly because i am on my own. all by myself.
-i want to get a kitten sometime next spring, and i want to spoil that kitten, oh, and i want it to be a gray tabby kitten.
all of these thoughts kept me awake, lying in the dark, alone in the bed next to my 20 year old sweet little sister, and at times i cried to myself, trying not to shake the bed too much because i didn't want to wake her up. and after i cried, i tried to console myself by thinking about the things that i do have going for me right now:
-my writing
-my mom
-my dad
-my sisters
-a place to live that is rent-free
-my laughter
-my friends
-my future
my younger sister has come home for her winter break from college and so i've been sharing a bed with her.
she has to go to sleep early because she works as a CNA at a local hospital and has to get up and work very early.
so she was already asleep and it was getting late and i knew i needed to get some rest, but i was restless.
so i got in bed, and as i lay there, for the next hour and a half, i couldn't sleep.
my mind wandered from one subject to another:
-my wedding and engagement rings, what do i do with them? if i needed the money would it be wrong to sell them? should i give them back to Seth and just do away with the weirdness of having them?
-being completely and solidly broke so much that i cannot afford to buy presents for anyone. that my plans for this Christmas really just include writing some quality letters to my friends and family.
-the fact that i am an incredible woman and the fact that Seth missed this point is precisely why it was unhealthy for me to stay in that marriage. i mean, seriously, i am a catch. the man that i want to spend the rest of my life with needs to be the kind of man who realizes how lucky we are to have each other!
-i've been trying to find a full-time job and this week i need to do some follow-up calls in order to see what the status of my job applications are....this really freaks me out mainly because i am on my own. all by myself.
-i want to get a kitten sometime next spring, and i want to spoil that kitten, oh, and i want it to be a gray tabby kitten.
all of these thoughts kept me awake, lying in the dark, alone in the bed next to my 20 year old sweet little sister, and at times i cried to myself, trying not to shake the bed too much because i didn't want to wake her up. and after i cried, i tried to console myself by thinking about the things that i do have going for me right now:
-my writing
-my mom
-my dad
-my sisters
-a place to live that is rent-free
-my laughter
-my friends
-my future
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