unemployed

i lost my job on monday.

apparently they were looking for someone new and gave me no notice.

i am glad that Tuesday was full of snow and Obama-rama.

today i spent time with people who made me feel valued and loved, esp b/c my friend Simon watched "Beaches" with me.

now that is the sign of a true friend, although, he didn't cry. i have seen that movie at least 20 times and i cry every time. now onto praying for whatever is next. i can't be unemployed for very long, my bills won't pay themselves. bah!

heart chaos.

i would be pretending if i said that everything is coming up roses in my life right now.

in the past week i have had 5 serious talks with 4 separate people about things that have been experienced or observed about interactions with said people, and those kind of serious conversations always take a lot out of me. like, my appetite goes away and whatever i do eat gives me serious stomach problems. my nerves just go straight through the roof, it's obnoxious.

also, i called Seth last week and got an automated voicemail, didn't leave a message, but then called him the next night and left a message. tried to do like Monica and sound 'breezy' [Friends? anyone?] but i wasn't calling for any reason except to see how he's doing. it has been over 400 days since i saw him, and right at about 6 months since i last spoke with him [since May] and i haven't missed him or wanted to be back with him once. i can honestly stand behind our decision to split, but that doesn't mean that i don't want to be cordial and call him. and, the holiday cheer/spirit got to me and i felt like it's probably the most appropriate time of the year to extend an olive branch.

he hasn't called back.

i wonder if i have the wrong number. either way, i'm not too worried about it. mostly because i do what any good 'ex' would do, i.e. i used facebook to check on him.

back in October i realized that i was looking at his page too often, and so i blocked him and i hadn't allowed myself to look at his page for a very long time. but on Sunday night, i guess i relapsed, i went into facebook, unblocked him, looked at his page, and then promplty re-blocked him. it's so funny to type it, to admit it out there in the cyberspaces, that i am one of those people, but that's how i do. :) i was happy to see that he changed his profile picture and seems to be tagged in a few pictures at parties and stuff. so he's being social. also, and probably most critical to me, he is still listed as Single. although, after reading the latest on his wall posts, the girls he is meeting out there seem to be chatting him up quite a bit. so good for that. i think i mainly check on him because i get worried that he has sequestered himself and might not be too social. but it looks like he's doing a good job of getting out, so that is the best thing i could ask for.

of course, if he calls, i will post. if he doesn't, i imagine i will be posting anyway, because the holidays make me think a LOT.

the title 'heart chaos' also has to do with a lot of my emotional state right now, i am feeling the ache to have a love that 'lasts forever' [i have sappy movies to blame for that]. i am feeling like i wasted 2008 and that i still don't have a 'Big Girl' job like i wanted to have back in January. i am feeling like i am always too quick to talk and volunteer things about myself before i take the time to listen [i am getting a big "SHUT UP" sign from God right now]. i am feeling like the only boys i might ever be interested in romantically, could potentially, reject me because of the fact that i have a past that doesn't exactly shine like the sun. i am feeling like there are issues with my family that i just can't pinpoint, that i would rather crawl to the top of Mt. Everest in a bikini than sit at my grandmother's table and eat Christmas dinner for 1 minute {what is it?!}

so much to think about. so much heart chaos.

re-adjusting

definitely gonna have to readjust my sleeping patterns now that my work week is 7:30a-5p Monday through Thursday! AND i'm gonna have to start getting things done when i get home in the afternoon.

i'd like to work in time to read the books i'm in the middle of (still haven't finished the divorce book even though i am itching to!) and i need to DEFINITELY schedule in some work-out time (considering i had to peel my jeans off tonight, literally, peel, it made me feel disgusting).....


i'm just going to have to do a lot of readjusting, especially because it's something i've always struggled with, time management. bluh! i hate growing up.


alright.

i have to be at my new nanny job in 8 hours........must sleep............now!


(will tell more about the job in the next post, promise!)

soliciting support

i finished Chapter 3 today: "There's Something I Have To Tell You..." Sharing Your News and Getting the Support You Need From Friends, Family and Work.

it was really hard to read over the tears that welled up in my eyes as i read the chapter. i knew it'd be tough, mainly because i'm going through a very lonely time in my life. oh yes, i am surrounded by people, the restaurant keeps me busy, living in the second highest populated city in North Carolina, i am definitely in no shortage for people. but i haven't been getting the support i need. i haven't had people asking me how i'm doing, or if they've asked, it's only a superficial question. no one offers a shoulder for me to cry on or an ear to talk to, with the sole EXCEPTION of Carla. no one calls, no one emails, and the only mail that comes are the bills, that i am currently unable to pay. my only incoming calls are from Carla.

all that to say, that the following lines inspired me:

If you are like [the authors] Kay and Sarah, you might have trouble asking for help, so allow yourself to be more demanding during this time. If people don't know how to be there for you, then give them ideas.
...People who love you will often do extraordinary things if you just give them the opportunity.

so, i decided that i am going to do just what i've been needing to do for quite a while. i need to email my friends and family and solicit their support. not one of them knows how often i cry myself to sleep. not one of them knows how lonely it is for me to be home alone for hours on end with only a kitten to comfort me. just once i'd like to have someone surprise me, with anything, something out of the ordinary. my birthday is in just over a month, and honestly, i'm already disappointed.

i'm emailing them tonight.

i'll keep you posted on the response that i get, if any.

-lisa-

i need shoes

i need new shoes.

seriously, i have only one pair of shoes that are appropriate for dressing up for work. i think i wear them 3/5 days a week.

on fridays i can wear whatever i want b/c it's casual friday, but i need new shoes that are closed toes and medium height heels, but it seems whenever i go to the store i can't find a single pair that don't look like they were:

a) made for a 13 year old or
b) made for a prostitute or
c) made for a 13 year old prostitute?!

anyway......

maybe i should do some online window shopping so that i don't have to waste my time driving to the store to see what they have. yes. online window shopping it is.

now i have my new side-goal for life in the cubicle tomorrow. SHOES!


:)

moving in less than a week

so, that's it. i'm moving out of my mom's house (WOO HOO) in less than a week (EEEEK!)

um. okay, in my head January 15 sounded so good when it was further away.

but now that it is here, i am excited about it. it is going to be great. i'll live with Carla, i'll get myself a kitten, and i will be on my own two feet. we found a place to live about a week and a half ago, which is exciting because it is perfect and it is totally affordable too!

here's the thing, i'm going to be moving on the 15th, then i will be going to Florida for my friend Jeannie's wedding on Jan 18 and i won't be back until the 21st. so, as of the 21st i will be an official resident of Wake County, North Carolina.

i spend the better part of my day today calling about jobs and worrying about jobs. i know that something is going to pan out, it's just a matter of being patient.

today, while i was freaking out about this job situation, you know, joblessness, i just stood still and thought to myself

what is God trying to teach me through this frustrating period in my life? what lessons are there to be learned during my current state of impatience and blind-faith? i can feel deep down inside myself that leaving Seth was the best decision hard decision that i have ever made, and it happened at the same time as Carla getting her big job and needing to move, so the decision to move with Carla seemed the best decision. be alone, or live with the most fabulous friend i've had in a very long time.....hm....not too hard to decide, but the next part of the equation is to find work so that i can afford to live with Carla. so....this is the next step. it is not like you can snap your fingers and instantly find a full-time job, but you can't sit on your butt and expect a full-time job to come to you. so, what can i learn from this limbo? i can learn that things happen in God's timing, i have to believe that good things will happen in order for myself to be ready when those good things do happen.

so, that's just a peek into my brain from today. i've been thinking thinking thinking. non-stop. and praying too. right before my marriage fell apart, i had gotten to where i wasn't even on speaking terms with God. and i mean that, because honestly, i just felt like He wasn't listening. but now that i am alone and i have a lot of time to think and reflect on things, i have found that He was listening but i wasn't paying attention. on New Years Eve after i went to be at about 1 am, i was lying there, and i prayed my first heartfelt prayer of 2008, and before i wrapped it up i promised that even though this was my first heartfelt prayer of the year, it would definitely not be my last.

so far, He's listening and i'm trying my best to pay attention.

friends and/or family

i don't want to spend anymore holidays with my family.

i might just save all my money from this point forward in a separate savings account so that i can afford to:

1-mail presents to my family members
2-take a trip to someplace exotic so that instead of saying "Lisa can't make it to Christmas because she's skipping out", they can say "Lisa can't make it because she's going to Ireland." "Lisa can't make it to Thanksgiving dinner because she's in Kakadu"
3-hopefully, maybe find a way not to travel alone

it's official, i think that holidays are WAY better when you spend them with friends.

it's been real 2007

seriously, shouldn't it be 2008 already?!

oh wait, i guess i only have to wait 2 more nights, then i can ditch the calendars i had for 2007 and break out my new 2008 calendars instead!

there have just been so many disappointing things in the last year, that i am SO looking forward to 2008. i am not going to look at this year through rose-colored-glasses because i do not want to make impossible standards, but i am a believer in self-fulfilling prophesies, and by-goodness, 2008 is going to be SO great that my face is going to melt off.

that's it, my catch-phrase for the upcoming new year:

2008, the most face-melting year ever!

alone and not

especially with the onslaught of upcoming big events in my life:

-Seth will be filing for our un-marriage-ment sometime in late January.
-i am moving with my best friend Carla to a city that is 2 hours away from where i am now.
-i am scouring, i mean, SCOURING the internet for a job, a real full-time job, my first one!

:i have been feeling out on a branch more so now than ever before.

it's so crazy to me that i am single again, that i am living at home again, that i am around the people that know the best and that treat me the best, and the ones that treat me the worst. it's like living in a time-warp, except, that i am catching up with people, but also, not catching up, because they want to know about my life, but they also don't want to witness me breaking down because they've accidentally asked me the wrong questions. and even more so than ever, i just want my friends to look at me and say "is there anything that i can do? is there anything you want to talk about?" or for them to just give me a freaking hug.

i would be willing to say that the single hardest part about being single again, for me, is the lack of human contact. sometimes the only people i actually physically touch during the day are the people that i help at the register at work, and even then, the only contact that i have with them is handing them their change, so that my fingertips might lightly graze the palm of their hand. the only people that hug me, well, actually, no one hugs me. no one touches me. it is so hard to go from having someone who hugs me whenever i want, cuddles me on the couch, holds my hand on the couch or in the car or walking to the car, and this isn't even mentioning kissing. GAH.

all of the big things i have planned for January freak me out a little bit because i am doing it all by myself, but i must also say that while i may be partially in freak out mode, i am also highly highly excited about this move and this big change. i cannot wait to live in another city, where i can stretch my legs, get my feet wet and spread my wings (to name a few cliches!). but really, i am ready for some new people, a new place to live, a new kitten!, and so so so much more.

i recently put in an application and resume with a non-profit job in the city that i am moving to, which not only excites me but makes me feel responsible. i've called and left voice-mails, but i think that maybe they had a vacation, but i am going to pester them in the nicest way possible until i can land an interview. so if you pray, pray for my job search.

oh, and i saw PS I Love You again, and i loved it even more than the first time. it's official, i have GOT to go to Ireland.

does anyone want to plan a vacation with me?! ha!

underneath

the other night i could not sleep.

my younger sister has come home for her winter break from college and so i've been sharing a bed with her.

she has to go to sleep early because she works as a CNA at a local hospital and has to get up and work very early.

so she was already asleep and it was getting late and i knew i needed to get some rest, but i was restless.

so i got in bed, and as i lay there, for the next hour and a half, i couldn't sleep.

my mind wandered from one subject to another:

-my wedding and engagement rings, what do i do with them? if i needed the money would it be wrong to sell them? should i give them back to Seth and just do away with the weirdness of having them?

-being completely and solidly broke so much that i cannot afford to buy presents for anyone. that my plans for this Christmas really just include writing some quality letters to my friends and family.

-the fact that i am an incredible woman and the fact that Seth missed this point is precisely why it was unhealthy for me to stay in that marriage. i mean, seriously, i am a catch. the man that i want to spend the rest of my life with needs to be the kind of man who realizes how lucky we are to have each other!

-i've been trying to find a full-time job and this week i need to do some follow-up calls in order to see what the status of my job applications are....this really freaks me out mainly because i am on my own. all by myself.

-i want to get a kitten sometime next spring, and i want to spoil that kitten, oh, and i want it to be a gray tabby kitten.

all of these thoughts kept me awake, lying in the dark, alone in the bed next to my 20 year old sweet little sister, and at times i cried to myself, trying not to shake the bed too much because i didn't want to wake her up. and after i cried, i tried to console myself by thinking about the things that i do have going for me right now:

-my writing
-my mom
-my dad
-my sisters
-a place to live that is rent-free
-my laughter
-my friends
-my future

mil

i dreamed about my mother-in-law last night.

unlike most of my married friends, i never ever once disliked my mother-in-law, not in the slightest littlest way. she was always very honest with me, very sweet to me, and in general, i loved her in a way that i do not even love my own mother.

that said, leaving my husband meant that i left her too, and i honestly miss her a lot and wish i could talk to her. but i haven't decided if enough time has gone by yet, so i haven't talked to her, but i do plan on talking to her someday.

but last night, i dreamed about her.

oddly, i dreamed that she was the window-server at a McDonald's drive through, and i was in my car ordering when i heard a very familiar voice ask me what i wanted to order.

so as i pulled around to the window, there she was. smiling at me with her sweet smile and showering me in good vibes. i asked her if she could hop in my car and come with me so we could talk.

and we talked, and i explained why i left Seth, and she said she understood and that she was happy that we were able to make such an adult decision and she said that she loved me and that we would always be family.

and when i woke up, i felt like i had actually talked to her and that she still loved me very much, and even though i know i didn't actually talk to her, i felt better today because of that dream.


i pray that one day i will be able to have coffee with her and that she will always love me as much as i loved her.