just in time for Christmas.

so, lately i've been comparing my life to walking down a dead end road.

marriage was a dead end.

seminary was a dead end.

getting a job at that book company was a dead end.

waiting tables for 6 months was a dead end.

now, my nanny job has become a dead end.


not that i thought i'd be a nanny forever, wait Peter Pan, children do get older, they won't need me forever. but i did think that at most i would be employed by this family until next July and then i would try and become a teacher. that was my plan.

that was the plan until i realized that the family i work full-time for gave me 2 weeks off for Christmas because they don't need me and they are not going to be paying me for any time off. AND on top of this, when i voiced my insight on how Nanny-etiquette would dictate a situation like this should be handled, they met me with resistance and insisted that they should not pay me. i tried to stand firm and they eventually met me 1/4 of the way, AND in the process said something along the lines of "Jill thinks we're overpaying you enough as it is....." and the father went into a little bit of a rant about how i only have one child while the other is at school. blah blah blah.

let me just say that in NO circumstances should an employer mention to an employee that they want to keep that they think they are 'overpaying' them.

wow. that was such a slap in the face. and the worst part is that i had to take their offer because i have no other options. i have no savings to fall back on. i don't have parents that can shower me with unwarranted monies. i have too much pride to ask people for money. so i have to grin and bear it with this job until i find something else. on top of that, there seem to be 100,000,000 hoops to jump through in order to become a teacher in Wake county. awesome.

it's all just in time for Christmas.

i know that this year has been great and that i have learned so much, but i am still just feeling so

dis:
-enchanted
-illusioned
-gusted
-appointed
-couraged


and since i've got 2 weeks off, i know myself well enough to know that i won't be nearly as proactive as i will need to be in order to find another job....but i want to prove myself wrong. BLAH so much to think about!

heart chaos.

i would be pretending if i said that everything is coming up roses in my life right now.

in the past week i have had 5 serious talks with 4 separate people about things that have been experienced or observed about interactions with said people, and those kind of serious conversations always take a lot out of me. like, my appetite goes away and whatever i do eat gives me serious stomach problems. my nerves just go straight through the roof, it's obnoxious.

also, i called Seth last week and got an automated voicemail, didn't leave a message, but then called him the next night and left a message. tried to do like Monica and sound 'breezy' [Friends? anyone?] but i wasn't calling for any reason except to see how he's doing. it has been over 400 days since i saw him, and right at about 6 months since i last spoke with him [since May] and i haven't missed him or wanted to be back with him once. i can honestly stand behind our decision to split, but that doesn't mean that i don't want to be cordial and call him. and, the holiday cheer/spirit got to me and i felt like it's probably the most appropriate time of the year to extend an olive branch.

he hasn't called back.

i wonder if i have the wrong number. either way, i'm not too worried about it. mostly because i do what any good 'ex' would do, i.e. i used facebook to check on him.

back in October i realized that i was looking at his page too often, and so i blocked him and i hadn't allowed myself to look at his page for a very long time. but on Sunday night, i guess i relapsed, i went into facebook, unblocked him, looked at his page, and then promplty re-blocked him. it's so funny to type it, to admit it out there in the cyberspaces, that i am one of those people, but that's how i do. :) i was happy to see that he changed his profile picture and seems to be tagged in a few pictures at parties and stuff. so he's being social. also, and probably most critical to me, he is still listed as Single. although, after reading the latest on his wall posts, the girls he is meeting out there seem to be chatting him up quite a bit. so good for that. i think i mainly check on him because i get worried that he has sequestered himself and might not be too social. but it looks like he's doing a good job of getting out, so that is the best thing i could ask for.

of course, if he calls, i will post. if he doesn't, i imagine i will be posting anyway, because the holidays make me think a LOT.

the title 'heart chaos' also has to do with a lot of my emotional state right now, i am feeling the ache to have a love that 'lasts forever' [i have sappy movies to blame for that]. i am feeling like i wasted 2008 and that i still don't have a 'Big Girl' job like i wanted to have back in January. i am feeling like i am always too quick to talk and volunteer things about myself before i take the time to listen [i am getting a big "SHUT UP" sign from God right now]. i am feeling like the only boys i might ever be interested in romantically, could potentially, reject me because of the fact that i have a past that doesn't exactly shine like the sun. i am feeling like there are issues with my family that i just can't pinpoint, that i would rather crawl to the top of Mt. Everest in a bikini than sit at my grandmother's table and eat Christmas dinner for 1 minute {what is it?!}

so much to think about. so much heart chaos.

burnt up.

i had my fire last weekend, and it was glorious.

i had tears in my eyes as i saw the things that had meant so much between Seth and i, go up in flames.

i had a friend take some pictures for me, here are the best images:





throwing on some of the 'love' notes he wrote me, and a few pictures.



this is a pic of a 2 paintings i made for him, the blue one is 25 different ways to say i love you, i.e. different languages. there is another painting being licked by the flames, you can see it has a lot of little words on it, these were all the reasons i loved him. i made these in my junior year of college.

he never hung either one.
this was the fire after i had thrown everything in. i love those ashes.

fire.

one of my new friends from church ended an engagement over the summer. she was supposed to be married on Oct 4, and so as the day approached, she asked that we help her distract herself from wallowing in "what should've been happening" during the day that Saturday.

we went on a strenuous bike ride, we spent time primping and making ourselves look h-o-t, and we went out for an evening on the town. it was a good time, and we made sure that she knew that we were happy that she was happy and that she was loved.

the next day, as we were talking, she mentioned that she knew that the end of October was going to be hard for me and so if i thought i wanted to, she would help organize the group to celebrate the day that i drove back home from Kentucky and started my life over. yes. i think i will take them up on it.

i've been sorting through my things, and i have an entire box of things that i want to burn in a 'cleansing ceremony' for myself. "love" notes, presents, books, etc, anything and everything that reminds me of Seth. i want to cleanse myself of those things and i want to see them all burn away into nothingness. so i think i am going to ask my friends to have a bonfire with me.

won't that be fun?! i will def. take pictures and share.

p.s.
i have a crush.

Divorce Care

tonight i went to my first Divorce Care class. if you don't know what it is, it's basically a support group for people going through or finished with separation or divorce, but with a Christian faith based curriculum and video series.

believe me when i say that i was wary of the class, especially because the videos on the website are SO circa 1986, but i have been looking forward to being around other people that are going through similar situations in their lives so i gave it a chance and went.

i will say that the video was borderline "how old is this footage?!" but in the end i was really happy to sit through it and to take notes during it [i love taking notes. i am such a school nerd].

it touched on so many of the thoughts i've been having, and of course, made me cry like a baby as i processed what it talked about. i will post more later as i review my notes.

meanwhile, i have had a shitstorm of trouble with my car - registration, inspection, insurance. etc. don't even get me started on that topic.

so much to process.

life together

i am so happy to have friends in Raleigh.

i have always had friends, i've even been what i would consider popular (i was homecoming queen and beat out the cheerleaders!). i have people who care about me, i know this, but they are busy living their own personal adventures and walking their own paths.

i've never really had to beg people to hang out with me. but since the unmarriedment, and living in an entirely new city, i have found myself lonely for friends. of course i've been lonely for a romantic partner, but i have also been lonely for a group of friends who i can be myself around.

there is usually a 'testing' phase when you meet new people, you know, where you're super polite "If you're hot, let me know and i'll turn up the A/C." "No, no, we can go wherever, i'm in the mood to eat anything." and the 'testing' phase usually means that no one is truly being themselves. i like to skip the polite phase and just jump into being as awesomely lisa as i can. but i know that this also gets interpreted as 'coming on too strong' for new people, and that's why i've been lonely in Raleigh since January.

i just wanted to find people who can laugh, and pray, and yell, and cuss, and cry, and laugh more, and truly be themselves. but it was always hit and miss, crash and burn, with a lot of the people i've met through the restaurant job, or other various avenues of introduction. it seems like i'll get along great with someone i meet and i'm looking forward to hanging out again, and tick..tick..tick...nothing. they must not have been so impressed with me. or i'll meet someone who is moderately interesting and/or cool, only to find that they have the most irritating personality ever later on into conversation.

living with Carla is great, don't get me wrong, but it's more than that. it's finding more than one person that i can be myself around. Carla loves me, i know this, and i love her, but we can't fulfill the social needs of one another indefinitely, and so, i began attending a small group Bible Study and it has been just what i needed.

this group that i have started going to (Carla too, we both like it), is a group of people either my age or a year younger, and we meet weekly, we make meals and take them to the homeless, then we eat together, then we pray for one another, then we read the Bible. it is soo sooo sooooo nice to be with other people, in a location away from my house for one night a week (although, i've been over there more than once this week already, and i'm going tomorrow for small group!) it's been awesome to just have some regularity, have some people who are pouring their hearts into mine and vice-versa. it's nice to be cared about, joked with, and hugged. oh, the hugs are the best part. hugging is loneliness' kryptonite.

i am just so thankful, it was about time!

3 weddings in 2008

a real wedding, a fake wedding, and a fast wedding:

the real one was the one that i wrote about earlier this year, the one in which hijinks and hilarity ensued.

the fake one was the one that i went to yesterday, the one where the couple has been married for a year and a half but "needed" to have a church ceremony.

and the fast one is one that i will be going to (not a part of) in November, i say fast because they got engaged Aug 4 and their wedding date is Nov 22.

a little more about the fake one:

i say fake for several reasons 1-they eloped to Las Vegas over a year and a half ago and have already been officially & legally married since then. 2-i don't really think they love each other. she needed a reason to move to America and become a U.S. citizen. i'm betting that it doesn't last very long once she's officially a real 'Merican. i also say this because i know for a fact that her husband is a creepy, perverted, repressed douchebag and is not someone worth marrying. 3-it was super lame.

it was a Catholic ceremony, the first Catholic ceremony that i've ever been to. needless to say i was a little lost, but i was sitting with a friend who is Catholic (albeit she hadn't been to church in over 10 years)....and she was able to help me navigate through. i noticed that the bride and groom weren't even touching each other, much less looking at each other, and so i asked my friend if that was part of the custom. she said that it was, and that they would eventually be prompted to hold hands by the priest....but even once the big P told them to hold hands, etc, they looked uncomfortable with each other. i don't know, it was very very telling.

funny note: they had Communion, with real wine (my church uses grape juice and we don't really believe that we are drinking blood and eating flesh), and while i refrained from partaking in the sacrament b/c i'm not Catholic and didn't want to offend anyone. but what cracked me up was when Communion was over and the kid (he looked to be just about 21) who was helping the priest had to drink the rest of wine. almost no one took Communion, so he was up there, just drinking away. and it cracked me up!! so funny. to me....anyway.

at the dinner after the ceremony, i sat with one friend, but we were sitting beside 2 strangers. as we got to know these two stranger ladies that were seated beside us, i came to find out that the girl beside me was married, unhappily married. it didn't take long before i just enlightened her on my life post-unmarriedment. and she was enthralled. she was like, everything you're saying is something i have thought over and over for the past year and a half...... i gave her my number and my email address, she said she felt bad for talking about divorce at a wedding reception. but i told her that there's never a bad time to be honest about stuff. and as many people as we know getting married, there are going to be unhappy couples. it's just the statistics..

i'm looking forward to the 'fast' wedding in November. although their engagement is going to be short, i'm sure that their wedding will be simple but fun! they've dated for over a year and he's a preacher and she's a teacher. yes, they are also innately cheesy folks, but i absolutely adore this girl and i know that she is really going to be happy with her man.

as far as i know i should only have 3 weddings for 2008...on the docket for 2009, i've got 2 weddings already: May and July.....i wonder how many more there will be!

soliciting support

i finished Chapter 3 today: "There's Something I Have To Tell You..." Sharing Your News and Getting the Support You Need From Friends, Family and Work.

it was really hard to read over the tears that welled up in my eyes as i read the chapter. i knew it'd be tough, mainly because i'm going through a very lonely time in my life. oh yes, i am surrounded by people, the restaurant keeps me busy, living in the second highest populated city in North Carolina, i am definitely in no shortage for people. but i haven't been getting the support i need. i haven't had people asking me how i'm doing, or if they've asked, it's only a superficial question. no one offers a shoulder for me to cry on or an ear to talk to, with the sole EXCEPTION of Carla. no one calls, no one emails, and the only mail that comes are the bills, that i am currently unable to pay. my only incoming calls are from Carla.

all that to say, that the following lines inspired me:

If you are like [the authors] Kay and Sarah, you might have trouble asking for help, so allow yourself to be more demanding during this time. If people don't know how to be there for you, then give them ideas.
...People who love you will often do extraordinary things if you just give them the opportunity.

so, i decided that i am going to do just what i've been needing to do for quite a while. i need to email my friends and family and solicit their support. not one of them knows how often i cry myself to sleep. not one of them knows how lonely it is for me to be home alone for hours on end with only a kitten to comfort me. just once i'd like to have someone surprise me, with anything, something out of the ordinary. my birthday is in just over a month, and honestly, i'm already disappointed.

i'm emailing them tonight.

i'll keep you posted on the response that i get, if any.

-lisa-

new book, new insight.

clearly, i have an undying affection for books, as i have aptly named my own blog after the way that my life has crept along, book by book.

over the holidays while i worked in a mainstream bookstore, i spent some of my off-time and breaks looking over the section with the title "Divorce", in the lifestyles section near "Death" and "Homosexuality" (i have no idea why they were all grouped together), but as i looked over the shelves, i noticed that most of the books were aimed towards a different divorced woman than myself.

they were geared for women with children, older women, women who cheated, women who were cheated on, or the legal proceedings and psychological tolls of dealing with the loss of a spouse after a lengthy marriage.

where were the books for the:

childless
young
short marriages?

i never found what i wanted on the shelves at the bookstore, i guess there isn't yet a wide-spread market for women [or men] in this status. but i did find what i wanted when i went home and googling until i hit a title that looked like it was just what i was looking for:

Not Your Mother's Divorce
by Kay Moffett and Sarah Touborg

i wrote it down in my little notebook [all great writer's carry around a notebook for jotting things, too bad mine isn't always for brilliant writing ideas, and it's more so for lists of things i need to remember]...

and i forgot about it.

until about a week ago, when i was flipping through my little notebook and saw the title. i went to my local library's website (Lavar Burton would be so proud of me!) and i found it and put a request on it. i picked it up this morning and devoured the first chapter.

i will be sharing my own insights on the book, if you can get your hands on a copy, we could do an online bookclub! so far, i find myself nodding along, agreeing on everything i read, my eyes welling up with tears as i read the chapter titles:

1-Where Did Our Love Go?
2-Suddenly Single
3-"There's Something I Need To Tell You" Sharing the news, and getting the support you need from friends, family and work.
4-Losing a Bed, a Bank Account, and a Roommate Physical and Financial Separation
5-Untying the Knot The Legal Process
6-In the Company of a Vivid Ghost Encounters with Your Ex
7-Here Comes the Divorcee Single in Society
8-The Dating Scene-Take Two
9-Retying the Knot-or Not
10-When Life Hands You Limes, Make Mojitos



already, i want to skip ahead and read Chapter 3 right away....but i'm finishing up Chapter 1....the rest will come in time.

there is hope and healing for my heart.

on Sunday morning Carla and i tried out a new church. i see the signs for it everyday on my way to work, and although we have been "regularly" attending another church that we really like alot, we decided to try this new church out because it is a lot closer to home and we haven't really been warmly welcomed at the other church.

anyway. last Saturday night i got online to check on what time the service was and what to expect. the website was very helpful and i even got to see what the topic was for the next morning.

the headline was "When Marriages End".

so we went to the service the next morning and even though we realized that there weren't even 20 people that were attending the service [i.e. it's a new church and doesn't have very many members yet, but we spoke to practically everyone] the message was worth going for.

the Pastor opened with prayer and then looked out at all of us and said:

Within the Christian community sometimes I think that we know more of what to do and say when a marriage ends in death than when it ends in divorce.

i wanted to stand up right then and raise the roof and shout Hallelujah! but i didn't. i just nodded in agreement. to say that people realize the devastation of losing a spouse to death, but that they don't recognize the exact same devastation of losing a spouse by divorce.

it's part of the reason that i didn't go to my home church for any of the time that i moved back in with my mother. people just don't know what to say to you. i'm not saying that they are insensitive or judgmental (though some are and have been), i'm just saying that they aren't sure if you want to be sad about it or if they should be happy for you.

just once i would've loved for someone to ask me if i was going to be okay financially [the answer would've been 'NO! i don't have any money!' or to have asked me when was the last time i had a home-cooked meal [the answer would've been that i don't eat anything that isn't microwaved first]...

in a lot of ways what the pastor had to say about divorce was right on. he said that the number one thing about when a marriage ends in divorce is that there is always pain. there is always pain. yep. he got that one right. even though i may have been the one who needed to get out before i drowned in the agony of my marriage, it still hurt. it was still the singlemost painful experience in my life and i am still struggling with feelings of abandonment, inadequacy, insecurity, doubt, and uncertainty no matter how well i seem to be doing on the outside.

the main point that i loved that he made was this:

When a marriage ends in divorce, the church has a special call to those hurt by divorce. we have a special call to be a healer of the pain. If we believe that marriage is an incredible metaphor for the bride of Christ, if we believe that divorce brings pain to those involved with it, then our job as a church is one of two things: We can be a place to bring more pain in, where people come into a church and they feel worse about the path of their life than better or we can decide as a church to bring healing to the hurt.

the church needs to be a place that i can go where i won't feel judged because i am 23 and getting divorced. yes, it is most definitely unfortunate that my young little marriage didn't work out, that things were not worth salvaging, and that i may never be the same now that i am a divorcee, but it doesn't change the fact that Christ loves me the same now as He ever did [which is saying alot!]. it doesn't change the fact that i love Christ, more than ever before.

the final words that he said to us that really hit home for me were:

If you have been through the pains of divorce, I want to tell you that there is hope and healing for your heart, there's the chance for joy, there's a chance for love, and there is restoration.

i cannot wait to feel like i have been restored again, right now i feel like i'm in the wallows...i would've been married for two years this past tuesday. two years ago tonight i was in Costa Rica on my honeymoon. two years ago i was naive and thought that things were just starting to stabilize, that i was going to be able to make something out of an unhealthy relationship...we had fun moments, we had tense moments, but in the end, we didn't have enough to build on...

exploring my options

the guy that i was seeing was really incredible when we met.

Paul was warm and full of compliments and just really a breath of fresh air. he understood my jokes and appreciated my wit and dry sense of humor immediately. i didn't have to dumb down our conversations or use 5th grade friendly vocabulary. he told me i was the most amazing woman he had ever met, and he meant it.

we connected on our life experiences, middle kids, unappreciated talents, rough relationships (he was with a girl for 2 years, they were engaged and she broke it off at Christmas), etc. i felt embraced and accepted and, yes, even loved by Paul.

but Paul hit some bumps along the road in the last few months and seems to have gone down in a downward spiral, i think that he is really sinking into depression, and he doesn't seem to have any optimism about his future.

i am probably one of the most patient, and overly optimistic people that you'll ever know. really, i truly truly believe that things will always get better, there will always be a reason to smile, you may have to search for it but there is always a silver lining. always.

even though Paul was really going through a hard spot, i tried to show him the good things, i tried to show him that things would and will get better one day, but really all he responded with was "no they won't, my life sucks, God is punishing me." etc. it was UNBEARABLE.

i found myself carrying our relationship. i found myself calling him only to get voicemail, texting only to get no response, messaging him to get no answer. if and when he did answer he was automatically irritated with me. and even though i adored him in the beginning, he was proving to be a very lousy companion.

so this past Thursday night, i got off of work and called him to see if we could hang out. i got no response. i texted, i got no response. my instincts kicked in and i drove to his work, he wasn't there. so yes, i spent my gas driving all the way to his house to see if he was home. he was.

i didn't go knock on the door. i didn't want to come across as the scary stalkerish type, but i wanted to talk to him and i was going to talk to him one way or another.

so i texted "I'm outside your place, in my car" and i waited.

ten minutes later i got a phone call, it was Paul and he was irritated "You're outside my place right now?"

"Yep."

"Why?"

"Because i wanted to talk to you and you weren't answering your phone."

at this point he has come outside and we're off the phone and his face is reading "you're a crazy person".

that's when i said it was over. i yelled at him, i cried at him, i gave him a hug, i let him hold me, but i pushed him away. he said that he was sorry he couldn't give me what i need or deserve right now, and i told him that i was sorry too. i told him that if the Paul i met 3 months ago ever comes back then he needs to call me, but that i couldn't stay and wait on it.

i said i am a quality woman and that i need something where i feel accepted and loved because i was married to a shitty relationship where i carried it and it was back-breaking and i wised up and got out of it before i was completely broken and that i was NOT going to do that again.

he cried.

he broke down and i saw a glimpse of the original Paul, and he apologized more sincerely than before and he just said "i'm sorry that i can't be the guy you need and that i have hurt you because you are right you're an amazing woman and you deserve better than me. you are the most beautiful and wonderful woman i have ever dated and i was lucky that you ever considered me."


when i asked if he'd lost interest or if i had done something wrong, he said that i had been "perfect" and hadn't done anything that would warrant being treated so shitty. he was right. i mean, i'm a few shades shy of perfect but i did treat him really really well and he was lucky to date me.

i cried practically the whole way home, and cried myself to sleep. but i rested well knowing that i wasn't sticking with something unhealthy because i was scared i won't find something else.

actually, this time, i plan on letting something find me. i will be exploring my options.

what did he do?

i know from my last two postings you're probably wondering what on earth he must've done to deserve having the word douchebag in such large font.

the truth is, he called me about a week ago, and all he did was be himself.

but being himself is basically the same as being a walking and talking douchebag, at least when it comes to how he interacts with me. i'm sure that during the day, while he's at work, he's pleasant and easily excitable as he tries to sell outdoor gear to the suckers who ask him for outdoor gear advice. but when he calls me and asks me when or if i sent the final divorce papers, he is in eXtreme-douchebag mode.

so he called about a week ago to ask if i had sent the last papers. i informed him that, Yes, i had sent the papers and yes, it took me about 3 weeks to find the time to get them notarized as i signed them, but they had indeed been signed, notarized, copied, and mailed to his lawyer as of 2 thursdays ago.

somehow we managed to have "conversation" for over 30 minutes. he asked about my sisters and my parents and my job and what-not. and fielded only a few of my own similar questions for him. i was sad to hear that he was in car accident over 4 weeks ago and actually had a concussion from it. and when i told him that i was sorry to hear that, his response gave me the vibe of "yeah right, like you give a shit about me, you left me".


when i hung up i had tears, the hot tears of anger and annoyance, in my eyes, and i just wanted to push him off of a cliff. for the millionth time i was reminded the reasons why i am SO thankful that i am no longer in that marriage.

stirring it up

so, Carla and i went and saw the Sex and the City movie last night even though neither one of us ever really watched the show, and let me just say that i loved it.

i don't want to ruin it for you if you haven't seen it, and believe me, there are really great and hilarious moments in it as well as some heart-aching moments, and i don't want to give them away at all, but the movie really stirred something up inside of me.

during one of the scenes in the middle of the movie i really really felt like i was being crushed. there was a weight on my lungs i wanted to cry out so hard. i looked around and realized it wasn't really a moment where anyone else felt inclined to cry, but here i was with this crushing weight feeling like i was on the verge of sobbing like a baby.

in total, there were about 3 or 4 moments where i had silent tears streaming down my face. i couldn't quite pinpoint the feelings that were emerging except to feel like i had just left Seth all over again. it was the same feeling that i had the first night that we decided to call it quits and i let him have the bed and i tried to sleep on the couch. i just cried and cried. and pulled my knees up to my chest and cried and sobbed. and it was awful. it's a hot crying, the kind of crying that aches every muscle and gives you real bags under your eyes the next day.

as we walked out of the movie i asked Carla if she had cried at all during the movie, and she said that she had felt some pinpricks of tiny tears welling up in one scene, but no, she hadn't cried. and i welled up with tears telling her that i had practically wanted to cry for the second half of the entire movie. it was so bizarre because i had no idea why i was so upset. why this movie had made me feel like i was just getting my stuff packed into my little white car all over again.

really. i don't even know why. i guess there will be little bouts of crying as i relive the agony of ending a marriage, i just really didn't think that the Sex and the City movie would do that to me.

when i got home i cried some more before i went to sleep, but then i was done with it.

--------

in bigger news:

i sent the final papers for the divorce on Thursday.

i think this is cause for celebration......

any ideas?

subconcious

had a dream last night about getting back together with the un-husband.


i felt really weird when i woke up, like, "there's no way it'd be that easy, and there is no way that it would be good like that"


essentially, the dream consisted of Seth and i reconciling while we walked in the woods, i know there was a lot of laughing, and my left hand had my rings on it again.


still, i felt super weird when i woke up because i was sad that i broke his heart.

not down, just out

it has been a long time since i sat down to write in this blog, a lot of things have happened:

1- Seth officially filed our unmarried papers. He sent them to me in the mail, and regardless of what the movies [Sweet Home Alabama] lead you to believe, there are no little tabs telling you where to sign, and when you leave the initial paperwork up to the un-husband, he will have to remember all the basics about your wedding day and it will only go to show that he did not do any of the planning otherwise he would have gotten the church's address right AND the county of the marriage license right too. i had to fix these errors, FLAG them and initial them and talk to him about how he "oops" it up.

2-as i signed those papers, those glorious papers, i made copies for my own files and i was in my cubicle at work, thinking to myself, "Wow. That makes it official." and usually at my desk i listen to Pandora Radio and i keep it on upbeat music or folksy stuff, stuff that i can listen to while not losing my focus. But this day, i had turned it off for some reason and the music from my neighbor's cubicle was floating over. and it was no coincidence that this is what i heard:



it was monumental. i felt like it was the perfect music for the mood that i was in, and my neighbor from whose cubicle it was emanating, had been a music major in college and told me that the name of the song was Carmina Burana. so, i Googled it and got a translation:

O Fortune,
like the moon
with its changing phases,
you are ever growing
and waning;
hateful life
first oppresses
and then soothes
as fancy takes it;
Poverty
and power
it melts them like ice.

Fate - monstrous
and empty,
you whirling wheel,
you are malevolent,
well-being is vain
and always fades to nothing.
Shadowed
and veiled
you plague me too;
now through the game
I bring my bare back
to your villainy.

When health
and virtue
are against me,
are only pain
and exhaustion,
forever in this vale of tears.
So at this hour
without delay
pluck the vibrating strings;
since Fate
strikes down the string man,
everyone weep with me!


and when i read those words, i reflected on my marriage and i felt the feelings of worthlessness and unloveability flood over me and i folded those official papers and i shoved them into the envelope with Seth's lawyer's name on it and i stuck a stamp on it and dropped it into the mail.

not anymore.

one step closer, one official step closer to being officially unmarried.

not looking forward

i am not really looking forward to visiting my dad and/or the prospect of him asking me if he can bring her along.

no dad, i don't want to include her in my visit with you. it isn't okay with me if she comes along, because honestly even if she wasn't the entire reason for you and mom getting a divorce, there is no part of me that will embrace her as your new love interest, no matter how happy she makes you.

i wish i were a "bigger" person, but right now, i just can't stand the thought of you being with her. i'd be fine if you were single and living alone, which is what i usually envision when i talk to you, but no, you're with her. you've been with her since you were still with mom. her kids see you more than i do and somehow i am supposed to be like "hey, glad you helped break up my parents marriage, but i sure am glad you make my dad happy."


boo.

delivered.

the postman delivered my unmarried-ment papers today.

carla got the mail.

i was gone from 7:30am to 9:00pm.

when i got home, she says "your mail is on your bed".

i walk into my room.

i see a package from a friend who lives in Georgia. she knitted me a hat, i've been expecting it.


last thursday Seth called me while i was at work. i answered it.

he said the unmarried papers were on their way and that i need to sign them and mail them back as soon as i can, so we can "get this show on the road".

they were on the bed, under the hat package.

it was weird tearing open the envelope and reading the lawyer-speak.

Wright vs. Wright.

"No children."

"Mrs. Wright is not pregnant."

"There is no property to be disputed."

"Mrs. Wright wishes to return to her maiden name: _______"

etc.

it was just weird to have this "court"-like language describing the dissolution of our marriage.


the only highlight was that i wore my cute new hat while i read over the papers.


now i guess i just have to make copies for my own files, sign them, and send them back.


what a heavy way to start the week.

ovarian cysts and lack of sleep=exhausted

after a few weeks of being in on-again/off-again agony, Carla went to the Emergency Room yesterday, i joined her after i got off from work, and it turns out, she was in excruciating pain because she has 2 large ovarian cysts.

crazy huh? yeah. the weirdest part is that even though they said that they'll have to operate in order to help them go away, they discharged her last night (Tuesday) and told her to come back on Friday for the operation. her question, and mine too, was mainly, what did they expect her to do all day Wednesday and Thursday?

she is literally in constant pain, and the pain medicine doesn't really cut it, and she can't really sleep or lay down.

it's crazy, and we don't know how serious it is yet, but nonetheless it's scary. scary scary scary.

on top of that, my new job has been overwhelming, but in a good way.

there is an upside and a downside to the new job:

-upside-
money, feeling more secure, less time to sit and dwell on my unmarried-ness.

-downside-
not a morning person, people at work are nice but no one talks to one another, add in the waitressing job on the side and i'm super tired.

the biggest downside is that i don't have time to blog.......

fish on a bicycle

This Fish Needs a Bicycle

if you haven't heard of her already, then i think you should check her out. all i know is that her name is Heather and she lives in Texas. She is single and while she embraces it, she is also very candid about what being single really means to a girl in today's world.

i bookmarked her blog a long time ago, i read it from time to time.

the entry that she posted yesterday made my heart stop. i think we have all been there in one way or another. i'm going to link to her blog and i am going to include her post in it's entirety.

i don't think about you (and other lies i tell myself)

It wasn't you that I saw, standing tall and rail-straight, just on the other side of the jewelry counter. But it didn't matter; it may as well have been, with the way I felt the room lurch and spin. I dug my nails under the polished metal rim of the counter and ducked my head, not wanting to make eye contact with you. My fingertips left steamy smears on the cold, clean glass.

I pretended to care about tacky heart-shaped pendants, knowing I should look up, say hello and feign that I wasn't all at once stumbling drunk with missing you. I thought about what it might do to me to hug you. I remembered how, if there was anything unsatisfying about touching you, it was that you never left your scent behind. You didn't stay on my clothes or my sofa cushions - the only evidence you'd ever been at home with me, an emptied wine glass next to my own.

I swallowed your memory, pushing it down into my uneasy stomach and finally looked up. But like I said, it wasn't you. Too old, too wide about the shoulders, too not you. So I rang for the sales clerk, finished my business and drove home slowly, feeling suddenly lonesome and a little hungover.

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do share what you think...

sugar-coated

divorced=unmarried.

i just got off the phone with Seth, who was calling to tell me a few things and to ask me to send our marriage license because he needs it in order to file our papers.

while i knew this call was coming because i was supposed to send it over a week ago [i honestly forgot], i realized it on friday afternoon, that i hadn't sent it yet. i knew he'd be calling anytime to remind me.

he called, and because i knew it was going to be about the marriage license, i beat him to the punch. i said "hey, i've got it in the envelope, ready to drop it in the mail tomorrow. sorry." he's like, "Yeah, I was calling to ask if you had sent it yet, please don't forget to do that. It's kind of important." [me, rolling my eyes, OH REALLY? IS IT IMPORTANT? I'M A MORON.]


small talk:

~he's sick, his throat is very scratchy. i tell him i hope he feels better. "thanks".
~his job is getting better and better, he's been promoted 2 or 3 times since he started there in September.
~my new job starts March 10, that is exciting.
~our dog throws up. [Seth puts the phone down once he's realized the dog is puking, i hear him saying "It's okay buddy, it's okay as the dog is heaving]
~how's your town?
~what travel plans do you have?
~[note:] we didn't discuss the "dating" thing again, thank goodness. still not sure if he avoided it, but since i'm not dating anyone, it's not really all that juicy.
~taxes. i ask if he filed Single or Married, which brings us to the title of my post:

Seth: I filed my taxes a few weeks ago, it was really easy. I filed Single.
me: oh cool, so it didn't give you any problems because you're not technically Single and you're not technically Married. That's the reason i haven't started on mine yet because i don't know how to file.
Seth: Actually, here in Kentucky, they have a special way to file for someone in my situation, it's called Abandoned Spouse.
me: Abandoned Spouse?
Seth: Yeah, that's what they call it.
me: That makes it sound awful, like you were left in the middle of the ocean in a lifeboat without a paddle and thousands of miles from the shore. Or like you're homeless and living in a shack. Abandoned Spouse?
Seth: Well yeah, that's what they call it.
me: Well, that makes me feel weird. i didn't abandon you.
Seth: Well.....I mean, do you want them to sugar-coat it?
me: i didn't abandon you.
Seth: That's what they call it here, that's all I know.
me: ..........Okay.

i quickly wrapped up the phonecall, i told him i hope that him and the dog both would start feeling better too. and when i hung up, i just heard that word echoing in my head: abandoned.

abandoned
abandoned
abandoned
abandoned
abandoned
abandoned
abandoned
abandoned
abandoned

i was just so hurt to hear him imply that i abandoned him. it cut me to my core. i've been struggling with feeling like i am a heartless-bitch. that i just walked away from a marriage that i should've been focusing on more to fix. but then, part of me just realizes that Seth wouldn't miss a single opportunity to take a dig at me. no matter what, whenever you are close to anyone, they know what hurts you the most. i just couldn't contain my tears, and weirdly, i pulled the collar of my t-shirt up over my eyes and let the tears fall straight onto my chest while blocking out the light. and i didn't hold it in, i cried as long as i wanted to. i hate this.


*note*
i didn't mean for this post to sound so morose and melancholy, but i just wanted to write down my raw feelings as a way of therapeutically dealing with my emotions. thank you thank you thank you for your love and support. i am doing fine, i promise, i only cried for about 10 minutes, and honestly, i know i'm just fine, and i still stand by my decision to be unmarried. if anything, Seth just reinforced the fact that he never knew how to deal with me in the first place.

love!