electronic mail

i e-mailed Seth today to 'catch up'. i had tried calling him a few weeks ago, and i had tried not to slip up and look at his facebook page anymore, but i'm super nosey i guess. completely non-nostalgic, i just want to hear that he's doing okay. anyhoo. i kept it super-breezy, and i sent it at like, 7:00, and he hasn't respsonded.

i guess i know that he doesn't even have to respond, it'd just be nice to hear from him. i don't really know that i can pinpoint the real exact reason i may have emailed him, but bah, it's too late now!

i will keep you updated if he gets back to me.

must sleep. work will be hard if i don't.

simmering

as this is my first post in the new year, i have started and discarded several attempts at voicing my thoughts. i just want to write something that i am not going to look back on and think "i was so dumb."

i'm not making any resolutions this year, save for one exception:
i will not blame 2008 for being shiteous, i will only blame myself, and i resolve not to do this again for 2009.

i will own my year.

since the day my marriage started in 2006 and subsequent decline, to the announcement of my parent's divorce, to graduate school fiasco, to moving everything 3 times in 3 months and returning to my mom's house and being single again and moving to Raleigh, and getting and losing a 'real job' and taking 2 dead-end jobs back to back for all of 2007/2008, i sometimes like to refer to 2006-2008 as the 'shit-storm'. but really, honestly, i have to be realistic with myself.

the only common denominator between all of those years was me.

and so, as 2009 begins, i want to own my year. i want to know that:

i did what i could,
i worked as hard as i could,
i loved as hard as i could,
i friended those who needed me,
i spent time taking care of me,
i laughed hard,
i cried when i needed to,
i slept deeply,
i indulged and withdrew when applicable,
i hugged as many people as possible,
i did cannonballs and splashed with childlike glee,
i smiled til my face hurt...

all the factors that contribute to the lasting impression that a 'year' makes are the factors that i allow to leave an impression. the truth about life is that it's all in how you remember it.

there is no reason for 2009 to be any different, except that i have realized the key to changing my pattern:

i am the common denominator, i have to be the difference i want to see in my year. nobody is going to do it for me, i cannot wait for the strings to be pulled in my favor, i have to go out and do what needs to be done and i need to take some control over the factors that i allow to dominate my year, and i have to be prayerful and immersed in God's word and power in order to have clarity in my pursuits.

first on the docket: job.

give me something, anything.

there were times before Christmas that i really dreaded thinking about spending time with my family.

i thought out loud "oh God. why would i go back?"

there are various reasons that i dislike spending holidays with my family. one of the most obvious is that my grandmother has the tact of a jellyfish and my grandfather is 1 step closer to 'certifiable' every year [bless his heart, i love that man, he will be missed, he is a walking one-man-show]

but most importantly, my dad is not in town for holidays and my mom doesn't know a thing about me.

living with my mother and grandfather last year at this time was very hard. my mother never asked how i was doing. she would always unload on me about her divorce from my Dad and whenever i might offer my own vulnerability she'd change the subject back to herself.

in a lot of ways talking to/dealing with my mom is like dealing with a 12 year old. in many ways i find myself 'mothering' my own mother and it just doesn't settle well with me. i don't wan to have to guide her or hold her hand through life, she's an adult. it's hard for me to lead my own life, much less allow her to destroy any optimism i may have scooped up along the way.

i spent a total 4 hours with my family, and although i am thankful for them in ways that i may never understand or totally acknowledge, i know that in the future i will be able to be closer to them and it will be a healthy place of growth and joy, but this year was not that year. i spent the better part of 3 days with Carla and her fabulous family. warts and all Carla's family is the kind of family that i hope to achieve one day. the traditions, the unconditional love, the spats and forgiveness, everything is a learning experience and at the end of the day, they love each other, and they allow me to be an adopted daughter.

i love that.

just in time for Christmas.

so, lately i've been comparing my life to walking down a dead end road.

marriage was a dead end.

seminary was a dead end.

getting a job at that book company was a dead end.

waiting tables for 6 months was a dead end.

now, my nanny job has become a dead end.


not that i thought i'd be a nanny forever, wait Peter Pan, children do get older, they won't need me forever. but i did think that at most i would be employed by this family until next July and then i would try and become a teacher. that was my plan.

that was the plan until i realized that the family i work full-time for gave me 2 weeks off for Christmas because they don't need me and they are not going to be paying me for any time off. AND on top of this, when i voiced my insight on how Nanny-etiquette would dictate a situation like this should be handled, they met me with resistance and insisted that they should not pay me. i tried to stand firm and they eventually met me 1/4 of the way, AND in the process said something along the lines of "Jill thinks we're overpaying you enough as it is....." and the father went into a little bit of a rant about how i only have one child while the other is at school. blah blah blah.

let me just say that in NO circumstances should an employer mention to an employee that they want to keep that they think they are 'overpaying' them.

wow. that was such a slap in the face. and the worst part is that i had to take their offer because i have no other options. i have no savings to fall back on. i don't have parents that can shower me with unwarranted monies. i have too much pride to ask people for money. so i have to grin and bear it with this job until i find something else. on top of that, there seem to be 100,000,000 hoops to jump through in order to become a teacher in Wake county. awesome.

it's all just in time for Christmas.

i know that this year has been great and that i have learned so much, but i am still just feeling so

dis:
-enchanted
-illusioned
-gusted
-appointed
-couraged


and since i've got 2 weeks off, i know myself well enough to know that i won't be nearly as proactive as i will need to be in order to find another job....but i want to prove myself wrong. BLAH so much to think about!

heart chaos.

i would be pretending if i said that everything is coming up roses in my life right now.

in the past week i have had 5 serious talks with 4 separate people about things that have been experienced or observed about interactions with said people, and those kind of serious conversations always take a lot out of me. like, my appetite goes away and whatever i do eat gives me serious stomach problems. my nerves just go straight through the roof, it's obnoxious.

also, i called Seth last week and got an automated voicemail, didn't leave a message, but then called him the next night and left a message. tried to do like Monica and sound 'breezy' [Friends? anyone?] but i wasn't calling for any reason except to see how he's doing. it has been over 400 days since i saw him, and right at about 6 months since i last spoke with him [since May] and i haven't missed him or wanted to be back with him once. i can honestly stand behind our decision to split, but that doesn't mean that i don't want to be cordial and call him. and, the holiday cheer/spirit got to me and i felt like it's probably the most appropriate time of the year to extend an olive branch.

he hasn't called back.

i wonder if i have the wrong number. either way, i'm not too worried about it. mostly because i do what any good 'ex' would do, i.e. i used facebook to check on him.

back in October i realized that i was looking at his page too often, and so i blocked him and i hadn't allowed myself to look at his page for a very long time. but on Sunday night, i guess i relapsed, i went into facebook, unblocked him, looked at his page, and then promplty re-blocked him. it's so funny to type it, to admit it out there in the cyberspaces, that i am one of those people, but that's how i do. :) i was happy to see that he changed his profile picture and seems to be tagged in a few pictures at parties and stuff. so he's being social. also, and probably most critical to me, he is still listed as Single. although, after reading the latest on his wall posts, the girls he is meeting out there seem to be chatting him up quite a bit. so good for that. i think i mainly check on him because i get worried that he has sequestered himself and might not be too social. but it looks like he's doing a good job of getting out, so that is the best thing i could ask for.

of course, if he calls, i will post. if he doesn't, i imagine i will be posting anyway, because the holidays make me think a LOT.

the title 'heart chaos' also has to do with a lot of my emotional state right now, i am feeling the ache to have a love that 'lasts forever' [i have sappy movies to blame for that]. i am feeling like i wasted 2008 and that i still don't have a 'Big Girl' job like i wanted to have back in January. i am feeling like i am always too quick to talk and volunteer things about myself before i take the time to listen [i am getting a big "SHUT UP" sign from God right now]. i am feeling like the only boys i might ever be interested in romantically, could potentially, reject me because of the fact that i have a past that doesn't exactly shine like the sun. i am feeling like there are issues with my family that i just can't pinpoint, that i would rather crawl to the top of Mt. Everest in a bikini than sit at my grandmother's table and eat Christmas dinner for 1 minute {what is it?!}

so much to think about. so much heart chaos.

it's a holiday

opposed to last year, this Thanksgiving is going to be TONS better and more fun.

last year, i had been home, living with my mother and grandfather for a month.

last year, i was focused on how alone i was. how it was my first "single" thanksgiving in over 6 years.

last year, i was ready to crawl back into bed and not be present for any part of the festivities.

this year, i live in a new house, with my awesome roomie Carla.

this year, i have never had so many people that actually care about me.

this year, i am not thinking about how i am 'single'. i've been single for over 6 months now, which is fun. i'm still cautiously learning what it means for Lisa to be Lisa and not Lisa & ______. you know?

also, my younger sister and i took a 13 hour road trip to surprise our older sister Melodie up in Massachusetts. we schemed and connived a plan with her boyfriend so that we could walk in on them at a restaurant and totally surprise her. we did and she totally cried. it was awesome. being in the car for 13 hours would not be fun for most people, but with Sophie, it was totally fun, and it actually felt like a lot less than 13 hours. i freakin love my sisters. this turkey-day is already leaps and bounds above last year's thanksgiving. the best part is that i know that i had nothing to do with it, i am learning to be thankful to God that He is the one in control and that when i let go, He can totally work a miracle in my life.

burnt up.

i had my fire last weekend, and it was glorious.

i had tears in my eyes as i saw the things that had meant so much between Seth and i, go up in flames.

i had a friend take some pictures for me, here are the best images:





throwing on some of the 'love' notes he wrote me, and a few pictures.



this is a pic of a 2 paintings i made for him, the blue one is 25 different ways to say i love you, i.e. different languages. there is another painting being licked by the flames, you can see it has a lot of little words on it, these were all the reasons i loved him. i made these in my junior year of college.

he never hung either one.
this was the fire after i had thrown everything in. i love those ashes.