sugar-coated

divorced=unmarried.

i just got off the phone with Seth, who was calling to tell me a few things and to ask me to send our marriage license because he needs it in order to file our papers.

while i knew this call was coming because i was supposed to send it over a week ago [i honestly forgot], i realized it on friday afternoon, that i hadn't sent it yet. i knew he'd be calling anytime to remind me.

he called, and because i knew it was going to be about the marriage license, i beat him to the punch. i said "hey, i've got it in the envelope, ready to drop it in the mail tomorrow. sorry." he's like, "Yeah, I was calling to ask if you had sent it yet, please don't forget to do that. It's kind of important." [me, rolling my eyes, OH REALLY? IS IT IMPORTANT? I'M A MORON.]


small talk:

~he's sick, his throat is very scratchy. i tell him i hope he feels better. "thanks".
~his job is getting better and better, he's been promoted 2 or 3 times since he started there in September.
~my new job starts March 10, that is exciting.
~our dog throws up. [Seth puts the phone down once he's realized the dog is puking, i hear him saying "It's okay buddy, it's okay as the dog is heaving]
~how's your town?
~what travel plans do you have?
~[note:] we didn't discuss the "dating" thing again, thank goodness. still not sure if he avoided it, but since i'm not dating anyone, it's not really all that juicy.
~taxes. i ask if he filed Single or Married, which brings us to the title of my post:

Seth: I filed my taxes a few weeks ago, it was really easy. I filed Single.
me: oh cool, so it didn't give you any problems because you're not technically Single and you're not technically Married. That's the reason i haven't started on mine yet because i don't know how to file.
Seth: Actually, here in Kentucky, they have a special way to file for someone in my situation, it's called Abandoned Spouse.
me: Abandoned Spouse?
Seth: Yeah, that's what they call it.
me: That makes it sound awful, like you were left in the middle of the ocean in a lifeboat without a paddle and thousands of miles from the shore. Or like you're homeless and living in a shack. Abandoned Spouse?
Seth: Well yeah, that's what they call it.
me: Well, that makes me feel weird. i didn't abandon you.
Seth: Well.....I mean, do you want them to sugar-coat it?
me: i didn't abandon you.
Seth: That's what they call it here, that's all I know.
me: ..........Okay.

i quickly wrapped up the phonecall, i told him i hope that him and the dog both would start feeling better too. and when i hung up, i just heard that word echoing in my head: abandoned.

abandoned
abandoned
abandoned
abandoned
abandoned
abandoned
abandoned
abandoned
abandoned

i was just so hurt to hear him imply that i abandoned him. it cut me to my core. i've been struggling with feeling like i am a heartless-bitch. that i just walked away from a marriage that i should've been focusing on more to fix. but then, part of me just realizes that Seth wouldn't miss a single opportunity to take a dig at me. no matter what, whenever you are close to anyone, they know what hurts you the most. i just couldn't contain my tears, and weirdly, i pulled the collar of my t-shirt up over my eyes and let the tears fall straight onto my chest while blocking out the light. and i didn't hold it in, i cried as long as i wanted to. i hate this.


*note*
i didn't mean for this post to sound so morose and melancholy, but i just wanted to write down my raw feelings as a way of therapeutically dealing with my emotions. thank you thank you thank you for your love and support. i am doing fine, i promise, i only cried for about 10 minutes, and honestly, i know i'm just fine, and i still stand by my decision to be unmarried. if anything, Seth just reinforced the fact that he never knew how to deal with me in the first place.

love!