the rings

Seth called today.

i missed it so he left me a voicemail, here's what it said:

Hey, this is Seth, happy new year, hope you're doing something cool, and stuff. anyway, I have a really weird question to ask you and if you would please give me a call back and I will ask you, I hope you're doing alright, happy new year and I hope you had a merry christmas, I will catch up with you soon, talk to you later, bye.

so, as i am a generally curious person, i called him immediately.

me: Hey, What's this weird question you have to ask me?

he didn't even get two words out before i just sprung that on him.

Seth: Hey, well, you might think this is weird, but I was wondering if you knew where your wedding rings are because I have been looking for them and I cannot find them.

me: well of course you can't find them, i have them.

Seth: Oh, you do? Oh, I thought they were packed away up here. I'm moving today and I have turned everything inside out looking for them.

me: no, you didn't have to do that, because i asked you what i should do with them the night before i left, i said "What do you want me to do with these?" and you said "Keep them, they're yours anyway, and what would I do with them?" so i kept them, i have them, why? do you need them?

Seth: oh, well, it might sound weird but i was going to sell them, but I guess since you have them, then I can't sell them.

me: well, you told me to keep them, so i have them.

Seth: Well, I am in the middle of moving right now, but I want to talk to you more about this, but I hope you have a happy new years, are you doing anything?

me: yeah, Carla and i are having a little get-together. how's the move going?

Seth: it's good, well hey, I should go because I just got my car here and I need to unload it. I guess we'll talk again soon.

me: yeah, okay.

Seth: Happy New Years.

me: You too.

and there you have it.

we both want to sell my rings, but i am the only one who actually has the rings...but Seth has the diamond certifications and what not, so we're in a catch 22. i can't sell them without the certifications, and he can't sell them because he doesn't actually have them.

what do you think i should do? i need some feedback!
Happy New Years Eve!

friends and/or family

i don't want to spend anymore holidays with my family.

i might just save all my money from this point forward in a separate savings account so that i can afford to:

1-mail presents to my family members
2-take a trip to someplace exotic so that instead of saying "Lisa can't make it to Christmas because she's skipping out", they can say "Lisa can't make it because she's going to Ireland." "Lisa can't make it to Thanksgiving dinner because she's in Kakadu"
3-hopefully, maybe find a way not to travel alone

it's official, i think that holidays are WAY better when you spend them with friends.

it's been real 2007

seriously, shouldn't it be 2008 already?!

oh wait, i guess i only have to wait 2 more nights, then i can ditch the calendars i had for 2007 and break out my new 2008 calendars instead!

there have just been so many disappointing things in the last year, that i am SO looking forward to 2008. i am not going to look at this year through rose-colored-glasses because i do not want to make impossible standards, but i am a believer in self-fulfilling prophesies, and by-goodness, 2008 is going to be SO great that my face is going to melt off.

that's it, my catch-phrase for the upcoming new year:

2008, the most face-melting year ever!

alone and not

especially with the onslaught of upcoming big events in my life:

-Seth will be filing for our un-marriage-ment sometime in late January.
-i am moving with my best friend Carla to a city that is 2 hours away from where i am now.
-i am scouring, i mean, SCOURING the internet for a job, a real full-time job, my first one!

:i have been feeling out on a branch more so now than ever before.

it's so crazy to me that i am single again, that i am living at home again, that i am around the people that know the best and that treat me the best, and the ones that treat me the worst. it's like living in a time-warp, except, that i am catching up with people, but also, not catching up, because they want to know about my life, but they also don't want to witness me breaking down because they've accidentally asked me the wrong questions. and even more so than ever, i just want my friends to look at me and say "is there anything that i can do? is there anything you want to talk about?" or for them to just give me a freaking hug.

i would be willing to say that the single hardest part about being single again, for me, is the lack of human contact. sometimes the only people i actually physically touch during the day are the people that i help at the register at work, and even then, the only contact that i have with them is handing them their change, so that my fingertips might lightly graze the palm of their hand. the only people that hug me, well, actually, no one hugs me. no one touches me. it is so hard to go from having someone who hugs me whenever i want, cuddles me on the couch, holds my hand on the couch or in the car or walking to the car, and this isn't even mentioning kissing. GAH.

all of the big things i have planned for January freak me out a little bit because i am doing it all by myself, but i must also say that while i may be partially in freak out mode, i am also highly highly excited about this move and this big change. i cannot wait to live in another city, where i can stretch my legs, get my feet wet and spread my wings (to name a few cliches!). but really, i am ready for some new people, a new place to live, a new kitten!, and so so so much more.

i recently put in an application and resume with a non-profit job in the city that i am moving to, which not only excites me but makes me feel responsible. i've called and left voice-mails, but i think that maybe they had a vacation, but i am going to pester them in the nicest way possible until i can land an interview. so if you pray, pray for my job search.

oh, and i saw PS I Love You again, and i loved it even more than the first time. it's official, i have GOT to go to Ireland.

does anyone want to plan a vacation with me?! ha!

geologist strikes out

thank goodness i wore my "please don't hit on me" ring to work two nights ago.

and why is that, you may ask....


because the geologist guy came in, that's why.

here's the scenario:

me: working with Hector and Angela behind the cash registers.

the geologist: comes in and browses the Manga section.

me: Oh-my-gosh, the geologist is here.

Hector: NO WAY!!!! YESSSSSS!!!!!

Angela: Oh man, hey, well, if he comes up to the register to buy anything, then I'll make sure he comes to my register.

Hector: but if he comes to my register, then I'm going to look busy so you'll have to help him.

me: eeeeeeeeeek.

the geologist: selects books, makes his way to the register.

me: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek.

Angela: has a customer.

me: freaking out, trying to make myself look busy, restocked the membership-cards, as slowly as possible.

Hector: senses my oncoming freak-out and helps the geologist (thank you Hector)

Hector and the geologist: have a lame conversation about bitterness, i think. i couldn't really hear anything above the blood rushing to my face.

me: eeeeeeeeeeek.

Hector: alright, have a nice evening, "I love rocks" [under his breath].

me: trying to look busy still.

the geologist: [walks straight up to the counter where i'm standing.] "Lisa, right?"

me: Yes.

the geologist: I just noticed your left hand, are you married?

me: Yes. (i am not lying, i am still married, technically)

the geologist: Oh wow, well your husband is a very lucky man.

me: [lying] Yes, well he thinks so.

the geologist: [nods his head, walks away slowly]

me: totally blushing, "have a good night", thank you Jesus for me wearing my "don't hit on me ring".

Angela: you are totally blushing.

Hector: who decides to study rocks?

unmarried

i like the word unmarried better than i like the word divorced.

so from now on, i am going to try my best never to say that stupid d-word.

think Christmassy

being single at Christmas time is new to me, i haven't been single at Christmas time for 5 years...so needless to say, the holiday was difficult.

first of all, it was hard because i have 0, zip, zilch spending money, and all of my paycheck goes towards paying my bills, so i wasn't able to afford Christmas. i thought that this was going to be alright because my older sister Melodie was down from Massachusetts (where she's been working in Americorps and is SO poor that she is living on food stamps [and loving it]), and i was certain that she wouldn't be giving presents, so i wouldn't be the only one who wasn't giving gifts. and our Mom has almost no income so i was sure that she wasn't really going to be giving gifts, and my younger sister, Sophie, is still in college and doesn't have a job, so i was sure she wasn't going to be giving gifts either. so, in my head, i've just come to terms with the fact that Christmas is solely going to be about spending time with my family, and not giving or getting presents.

that is, i felt that way until Mel pulls out our presents and Mom pulls out our stockings and Sophie says "Your presents are back in the closet, when do y'all want to exchange?"

i said "i thought we weren't doing Christmas, i didn't get anybody anything and now i'm going to feel bad because i didn't get you anything and it makes me look like the bad sister."

in unison, all three of them said, "Don't feel bad, it is really okay". and as i tried to hold back the tears i was overwhelmed with the fact that i have, yet again, let my family down. i didn't get them anything and they all got me something. blah.


second of all, the holiday was hard because although i do have great sisters and a funny mother and hilarious grandfather to spend them with, there are these other people that i am connected to by blood, they are my aunts and uncles. oh my gosh, seriously, i have no idea how someone so fascinating as myself and as fun as each of my sisters are could be related to these people.

Christmas lunch was SO DULL, i can't even describe how dull it was.

i think that it would be more fun, and more eventful to watch hair grow.

of course, my current single status has a lot to with the fact that no one could really make conversation with me. i think i made the usual-awkward-"i only see you twice a year"-conversations even more awkward because no one could think of anything to say to me. i think they were all tiptoeing around talking to me because i am sure that these were the only questions they could come up with:

"Where's Seth?" (i'm not sure that my aunts and uncles even know what i am going through, much less why)
"How you holding up?" (because it is so sad for you to be living with your mom and grandfather again isn't it?)
"So.........?"

third of all, the holiday was difficult because at times, all i could think about was Seth being alone with our silly dog, and whether or not i should call him, because we did promise to stay friends and i did want him to know that i was thinking of him.

fourth of all, i wanted to fast-forward to those great times in my life that lie ahead of me, the ones where i am comfortably happy and settled down with the most amazing man ever, and my sisters and their lovely husbands and children are there and we are gathered around the table, talking and laughing, and making memories.

all i want to do is have a memorable holiday where my family is fun and joyful and we spend countless hours together laughing and spoiling dinner by eating dessert first, and playing board games and looking at old pictures.

the only, only, highlight of Christmas day was spending time with two of my best friends, Carla and Ray, and although we watched a highly disappointing movie (Superbad) it was great to have people who want to laugh and have a good time and who know exactly what i am thinking before i say it at all. i still don't even feel like yesterday was Christmas. booooooo for not feeling very Christmassy.


what about you? how was your Christmas? do tell.

should i just ignore it?

my check engine light has been on and off for 2 months now.

right now, it is ON.


these are the times i wish i had a man who could lift up the hood of the car and figure out what is wrong with it so that i don't have to drive around worried my car is going to break, and so that i won't have to take it to the mechanic's garage because i detest paying them to do diagnostic tests just to find out everything is "just fine Ma'am" and "your car runs like a champ", while i stand there thinking, "then why is the LIGHT on?!"

okay. there are worse things than having the check engine light on. just tonight i drove past a pretty horrible car wreck. i guess people still have accidents on such magical nights as Christmas Eve.

rocking out

when i was at work today, one of my co-workers, Hector, said "Someone came in looking for you yesterday after you left, it was a guy". i said, "Oh really, who was it? What did he look like?" Hector said "Some guy who looked like Silent Bob from Jay and Silent Bob, and he said he was a geologist and that you were very nice. And when he asked if you were working, we told him that you had already left but that you would be working today. And then we realized that we should've probably not have told him because maybe you didn't know him and maybe he was stalking you, so I really hope he shows up so we can see what he does." me, the whole time: blank faced. "What?! Did he look like if Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons was a real guy and maybe he looked like he lives in his mom's basement and enjoys Dungeons and Dragons?" Hector, the whole time: smug faced and laughing. "HAHA, yep, that was totally the guy, do you think he likes you? I hope he comes back while I am still here working."

Great. just what i need, a work stalker.

i mean, he was a nice guy, don't get me wrong, but he's totally not my type and i don't know if i can handle any more small-talk with him about rocks, gift cards, or the holidays.

i'm trying my very best to be flattered and encouraged that someone came looking for me, but it is also a little creepy and unnerving.

okay, please, look forward to a quality holiday post from me on Christmas, as i am sure i will have plenty of thoughts to reflect upon.

love love, spread the love.

dear baby

i just finished watching the movie Waitress with a friend of mine, and no, i didn't watch it with a guy friend snuggled up on the couch like i have been talking about doing, i watched it with my greatest friend Carla (love of my life) and let me just say that i loved it. the plot may have seemed slow and the humor may have been a little dry, but it was truly a sweet movie about pies, love, and babies.

which brings up my favorite scene, because the main character, Jenna, is not excited about being pregnant and she writes letters to her unborn child, she says

"Dear damn baby, if'n you ever want to hear the story of how we bought your crib: Your crib was bought with the money that was supposed to buy me a new life. Every time I lay you down in that crib I'm going to think, damn baby, damn crib, and me stuck like a pin in this damn life."

and i just found myself laughing so hard at this part of the movie, not only because she was calling her nameless baby- Damn baby, but because i would have been thinking the EXACT same thing had i ever gotten pregnant when i was with Seth.

and even after i drove away and came back to NC, i was PETRIFIED to miss my period. if you are a guy and you're reading my blog, then you'll just have to get over this entry, but it's the God's honest truth, so if you think it's TMI, then oh well, welcome to life.

when i was with Seth my period was so sporadic because i was always stressed out. and after i left i was nervous that it would be one of those times that it didn't really show up and then i started freaking out because i thought i might be pregnant.

HOW BAD WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN?!!! it would have been terrifying and totally overwhelming if i had walked out of a marriage only to find out that i am pregnant. waves of doubt rushed over me as i waited on my period, had i made a mistake? how would Seth respond? would we have to get back together? what if it was twins? on and on until i finally got confirmation that there were no babies growing inside me.

thank the Lord that i was not pregnant as i left Seth. all of my functions are back to normal and i am so so so so so thankful that i am not writing a Damn Baby letter.

p.s. i love you

so, i just saw p.s. i love you with 4 of my friends, (yes, all girls), and it was amazing.

more-so than other chick-flicks i liked how raw this movie was.

i want to write so much about it, SO so much, but i am in a pinch and do not have a lot of time to blog tonight.

but while i watched the movie, i decided at least 2 things:

1-i would consider it exotic to talk to, much less flirt with, much less date a guy with an accent, esp. anything Irish or British.

2-i really really really wish i could have a camera taping me every time i hug a guy from now on, because i have decided that i want to be with a man who closes his eyes every time he hugs me. it's like he's savoring you, it's like he is smelling and embracing and caressing and enveloping you in a hug, and if he closes his eyes, it's like he's sealing himself off to the outside world just to enjoy being in your arms, in your presence, in your grasp.

oh, what i would give to have a man who closes his eyes when he holds me.

hit-on

i think that i was always happy to wear my wedding rings because it was an almost-guaranteed way to be ensure i won't be hit on.

but now that i don't wear them, i don't know how to ward off unwanted advances.

and today, one of the guys i work with, gave me his number.

may i first say that this guy is one of the most offensive guys i have ever met.

secondly, i do not find him attractive in the least.

thirdly, repulsive comes to mind.

he says to me:

you wanna go see a movie with me sometime?

me:

uhmm.......er.......

him:

what time you get off on Sunday?

me:

6.

him:

here's my number, don't lose it.





eeeeeeeeek!

what do i do? WHAT on earth am i supposed to do?

sickeningly sweet

i found one of Dr. Phil's books, Love Smart, on the bargain shelves at work for $2.99, so i bought it.

i'm only about 3 pages in right now, but so far, i have 2 gripes about this book:

1-the full title is: Love Smart, Find the One You Want-Fix the One You Got

fix the one you got? really? are you supposed to FIX someone if you don't like them?

and

2-there are these annoying little hearts on EVERY PAGE.
























there are hearts as bullet points, there are hearts as chapter openers, there are hearts surrounding every page number on EVERY page.

it's like your worst Valentine's day nightmare, page after page. i think Cupid would even get sick to his stomach seeing this many hearts!

bluh!



and please, don't be shy, leave a comment, i love feedback!

feeling alone

all i want to do is have someone hug me and really mean it.

i want to walk up to them,

have them look at me and tell that i need to be hugged,

and i want them to wrap their arms around me and pull me into a meaningful hug.

that's what i want right now.

underneath

the other night i could not sleep.

my younger sister has come home for her winter break from college and so i've been sharing a bed with her.

she has to go to sleep early because she works as a CNA at a local hospital and has to get up and work very early.

so she was already asleep and it was getting late and i knew i needed to get some rest, but i was restless.

so i got in bed, and as i lay there, for the next hour and a half, i couldn't sleep.

my mind wandered from one subject to another:

-my wedding and engagement rings, what do i do with them? if i needed the money would it be wrong to sell them? should i give them back to Seth and just do away with the weirdness of having them?

-being completely and solidly broke so much that i cannot afford to buy presents for anyone. that my plans for this Christmas really just include writing some quality letters to my friends and family.

-the fact that i am an incredible woman and the fact that Seth missed this point is precisely why it was unhealthy for me to stay in that marriage. i mean, seriously, i am a catch. the man that i want to spend the rest of my life with needs to be the kind of man who realizes how lucky we are to have each other!

-i've been trying to find a full-time job and this week i need to do some follow-up calls in order to see what the status of my job applications are....this really freaks me out mainly because i am on my own. all by myself.

-i want to get a kitten sometime next spring, and i want to spoil that kitten, oh, and i want it to be a gray tabby kitten.

all of these thoughts kept me awake, lying in the dark, alone in the bed next to my 20 year old sweet little sister, and at times i cried to myself, trying not to shake the bed too much because i didn't want to wake her up. and after i cried, i tried to console myself by thinking about the things that i do have going for me right now:

-my writing
-my mom
-my dad
-my sisters
-a place to live that is rent-free
-my laughter
-my friends
-my future

day-job as a constant reminder

so my day-job here recently has been standing on my feet behind a register at a bookstore in the mall.

first of all, this is not my dream job.

second of all, i interact with a LOT of people throughout the day, especially considering that it is the holidays and people are shopping like crazy right now so much that the line gets long and i help one customer after another.

the thing that i have been noticing more-so lately than ever, is that (at least from the customers i have helped) there are no single men my age.

there.

i said it.

they have ALL got wedding bands.

and the only one, ONE, that has not been gay or married and seems to be my age, probably has a nice time playing Dungeons and Dragons on a nightly basis in his mom's basement.

score.

mil

i dreamed about my mother-in-law last night.

unlike most of my married friends, i never ever once disliked my mother-in-law, not in the slightest littlest way. she was always very honest with me, very sweet to me, and in general, i loved her in a way that i do not even love my own mother.

that said, leaving my husband meant that i left her too, and i honestly miss her a lot and wish i could talk to her. but i haven't decided if enough time has gone by yet, so i haven't talked to her, but i do plan on talking to her someday.

but last night, i dreamed about her.

oddly, i dreamed that she was the window-server at a McDonald's drive through, and i was in my car ordering when i heard a very familiar voice ask me what i wanted to order.

so as i pulled around to the window, there she was. smiling at me with her sweet smile and showering me in good vibes. i asked her if she could hop in my car and come with me so we could talk.

and we talked, and i explained why i left Seth, and she said she understood and that she was happy that we were able to make such an adult decision and she said that she loved me and that we would always be family.

and when i woke up, i felt like i had actually talked to her and that she still loved me very much, and even though i know i didn't actually talk to her, i felt better today because of that dream.


i pray that one day i will be able to have coffee with her and that she will always love me as much as i loved her.

is it possible?

i don't want to sound pathetic or weird or pitiful in anyway about this, but right now, ALL i want to do is watch something, anything, whether it is a movie or a trashy MTV show or even an entire DVD box set of a t.v. show i haven't seen,

the main part of this longing is that i want to sit on the couch with a guy, with his arm around my shoulder.

i cannot get over this, it is all i want to do.

i don't want to do anything more than just snuggle on the couch and sit in the presence of a guy who has his arm around me.

really, this is the only thing i miss about being in a relationship, that and holding hands and having someone in the car to talk to all the time.

i guess i will just have to deal with this urge, mainly because i have zero intentions of dating right now and secondly because i don't really have any guy friends who would probably be willing to sit on a couch with me in their personal space bubble.

is it possible to put up a craigslist ad for a couch-snuggling partner and find someone who is not an incredibly repulsive creep?

okay okay, i'm not going to put up an ad really, but i just miss the personal space interaction from being in a relationship. and yes, i also know it is a little weird, but i don't miss kissing or sex or hugs nearly as much as i miss snuggling. :(

talking to him sucks

so today i got a call from Seth.

when i went to pay my credit card bill last month i wasn't paying attention when i confirmed the payment, so when i logged back in a few days later to make sure it posted i realized i'd posted it from one of his banking accounts on accident.

i immediately realized what i had done and called him then.

but today, while i am at my $7/hr measly job:

1- i have one missed call.

2- i have one short voicemail that sounds more or less like this:

hey, it's me. i don't know if you know, but you used my account to pay for something, and i didn't have sufficient funds so it overdrew, and we need to talk.

3-as soon as i am on break, my phone is ringing, so i answer, it's him.

4-he's walking *our* sweet dog, and is a little out of breath. he says,

"You overdrew from my checking and I got fined....I hate when you do stuff like this.....etc"

5- he goes on into a mini-lecture about how he's already strapped for money and how he just can't handle me stressing him out over stuff like "this".

6-i apologize and kindly remind him that i had already warned him that what i had done would have some repurcussions, but that i had called him 2 weeks ago for a head's up. he says he has to go, but that if i could just repay him what he was fined by his bank ($12) then we'd be square. AND he reminded me like i was 12, to remove his banking account from my credit card banking links. DUH, i told him, i had already done that two weeks ago.

7-i eat lunch, alone in the break room at work, crying with no one to talk to.

8-he calls me back about 10 minutes later.

9-says he just got things straightened out with his bank and they didn't fine him afterall. he says "I took care of it".

10-i say: "from now on, whenever you're in freakout mode, how about just send me an email. i cannot handle how stupid you make me feel and i can't take that ever again."

11-i hang up feeling like i stood up for myself and helped him see himself in my mirror for once.

12-i am reminded all over again why i had to leave and why i could not be his wife for 1 second longer.

13-my heart rejoiced.

throw me a divorce shower!

i never thought that i would be 23 and going through a divorce at the same time as my own mother, much less that i would be living with her

it’s kinda like in Father of the Bride 2 when Diane Keaton and Kimberly Williams both get pregnant at the same time.

so Kimberly William’s character is having a baby of her own at the same time as having a younger sister born, and Diane Keaton is pregnant with another daughter at the same time as her own grand-child is born.

mine is basically the same, except, nobody is showering us with presents or stupid cliché’s like “Isn’t this just wacky?”

strange comparison i know, but basically it’s the same.

the real question

being a Christian, i have always understood what the Bible has to say about divorce:

it's not an option.

but being a person, with real thoughts and feelings and pressures from this world, i was married for only 1 year and 4 months before i felt like:

divorce was my only option.

i was with Seth for almost 5 years after we met my freshman year of college, we got engaged during our junior year of college and we got married 4 weeks after graduation.

it was always Lisa and Seth. or Hey Lisa, where's Seth?

it's like, we were always together and people just came to expect us to be together. and when he proposed, of course i said yes. i had no clue what to do otherwise.

what was i supposed to say with him down on one knee? smiling ear to ear?

"Hold on, i really need to think this over." of course not!

i said

"YES! of course!"

ignoring the pit in my stomach, and instead, admiring the shiny diamonds on my left hand!

i refuse to believe that i didn't take my marriage seriously, i took my marriage SO seriously. in fact, the largest part of why i felt like i had to get out of my marriage was because i had been the only one willing to work on, carry, and negotiate in our marriage.

i was tired of pulling all the weight, i was tired of being talked down to and battered into feeling like a daughter and not a wife, and i was tired of looking in the mirror and not recognizing myself anymore.

it was time for me to do something hard.

it was time for me to step out of my comfort zone.

time for me to look at the Seth and Lisa phenomena and assess it for what it was worth.

it was time for me to not be married anymore.

this time was just over a month ago.

i drove away with all my stuff in my car on Oct. 25.

and even though i had to move back in with my own mother and grandfather (a whole nother story in and of itself) i have never ever ever felt so satisfied with a decision.