anyway. last Saturday night i got online to check on what time the service was and what to expect. the website was very helpful and i even got to see what the topic was for the next morning.
the headline was "When Marriages End".
so we went to the service the next morning and even though we realized that there weren't even 20 people that were attending the service [i.e. it's a new church and doesn't have very many members yet, but we spoke to practically everyone] the message was worth going for.
the Pastor opened with prayer and then looked out at all of us and said:
Within the Christian community sometimes I think that we know more of what to do and say when a marriage ends in death than when it ends in divorce.i wanted to stand up right then and raise the roof and shout Hallelujah! but i didn't. i just nodded in agreement. to say that people realize the devastation of losing a spouse to death, but that they don't recognize the exact same devastation of losing a spouse by divorce.
it's part of the reason that i didn't go to my home church for any of the time that i moved back in with my mother. people just don't know what to say to you. i'm not saying that they are insensitive or judgmental (though some are and have been), i'm just saying that they aren't sure if you want to be sad about it or if they should be happy for you.
just once i would've loved for someone to ask me if i was going to be okay financially [the answer would've been 'NO! i don't have any money!' or to have asked me when was the last time i had a home-cooked meal [the answer would've been that i don't eat anything that isn't microwaved first]...
in a lot of ways what the pastor had to say about divorce was right on. he said that the number one thing about when a marriage ends in divorce is that there is always pain. there is always pain. yep. he got that one right. even though i may have been the one who needed to get out before i drowned in the agony of my marriage, it still hurt. it was still the singlemost painful experience in my life and i am still struggling with feelings of abandonment, inadequacy, insecurity, doubt, and uncertainty no matter how well i seem to be doing on the outside.
the main point that i loved that he made was this:
When a marriage ends in divorce, the church has a special call to those hurt by divorce. we have a special call to be a healer of the pain. If we believe that marriage is an incredible metaphor for the bride of Christ, if we believe that divorce brings pain to those involved with it, then our job as a church is one of two things: We can be a place to bring more pain in, where people come into a church and they feel worse about the path of their life than better or we can decide as a church to bring healing to the hurt.the church needs to be a place that i can go where i won't feel judged because i am 23 and getting divorced. yes, it is most definitely unfortunate that my young little marriage didn't work out, that things were not worth salvaging, and that i may never be the same now that i am a divorcee, but it doesn't change the fact that Christ loves me the same now as He ever did [which is saying alot!]. it doesn't change the fact that i love Christ, more than ever before.
the final words that he said to us that really hit home for me were:
If you have been through the pains of divorce, I want to tell you that there is hope and healing for your heart, there's the chance for joy, there's a chance for love, and there is restoration.i cannot wait to feel like i have been restored again, right now i feel like i'm in the wallows...i would've been married for two years this past tuesday. two years ago tonight i was in Costa Rica on my honeymoon. two years ago i was naive and thought that things were just starting to stabilize, that i was going to be able to make something out of an unhealthy relationship...we had fun moments, we had tense moments, but in the end, we didn't have enough to build on...
3 comments:
Your point about people not knowing how to address you after a divorce it right. I have never been through it, but know people who have. it's hard - no matter how young or old you are.
I went to a new church for the first time in years this weekend- and liked it. It was the first time I had been to a church and felt genuinely welcomed. Now, my reason for being there in the first place was a benefit for my Brother they put on, but either way I went and my hubby did too. We are going to Wed. nite service to see if we like it. We have been "shopping" for a church for some time. They say when you feel like the speaker is talking just to you, is when you are most vulnerable - well I thought I was the only one in the room. Good luck.
You're right, people never really know what to say about divorce. I'm glad you went to a church that is understanding. Some churches here in the south will actually make people resign from their positions in the church as deacons etc. if they get divorced. I'm really glad that you had a great experience. sometimes God really does lead us to where we need to be.
My great friend came across your blog today and emailed me the site. She said it would be great for me to read. I am newly divorced (as of Aug. 20). I was married for 4 1/2 years and it all ended very abruptly. Long story short - he was still in love with an old gf and didn't want to be married anymore. I am grateful for your words that I have read so far. Especially this post - there IS pain and people don't know how to act towards someone who is divorced. I have found comfort in the church I go to, and I know that there is someone watching out for me in heaven. I have felt so inadequate lately and so lonely - especially with the holidays. As crazy as it is, it's comforting for me to read that someone else is feeling as I do. Not that those are great feelings to have, but that I'm not the only person in this world going through this. Thank you for your words.
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