i think i may have found the PERFECT way to make myself feel worthwhile again!
-stay posted-
you're gonna love it.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
in the back of my mind
i am not one to wallow.
i don't like when people dwell on things and/or dig them up only to beat them to death again, but, i have found myself wishing i could just have someone who:
could go investigate scary noises in the middle of the night,
could pop the hood of my car up and tell me why it has started to sound like an old wheezing man,
would hold me close and smell my hair,
call me for no reason except to say that he thinks i'm great,
tells me funny stories because he knows they'll make me laugh,
i guess i'm just feeling lonely for some male attention. and the other thing is, all of those things that i want are things that Seth never did for me, so really, if i ever had these things, i haven't had them or experienced them in over 5 years.
Lord i need a job so that i can stop dwelling on this stuff!!!!
i don't like when people dwell on things and/or dig them up only to beat them to death again, but, i have found myself wishing i could just have someone who:
could go investigate scary noises in the middle of the night,
could pop the hood of my car up and tell me why it has started to sound like an old wheezing man,
would hold me close and smell my hair,
call me for no reason except to say that he thinks i'm great,
tells me funny stories because he knows they'll make me laugh,
i guess i'm just feeling lonely for some male attention. and the other thing is, all of those things that i want are things that Seth never did for me, so really, if i ever had these things, i haven't had them or experienced them in over 5 years.
Lord i need a job so that i can stop dwelling on this stuff!!!!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
alphonso and teen pregnancy
i've been somewhat thrown by this whole, "not having a job-therefore- having nothing to do" thing phase that i am experiencing.
i've been staying up too late, sitting on the computer a little TOO long (i.e. ALL DAY LONG), and eating when i shouldn't be eating (i.e. 2:00 in the a.m.)...
but something has got to give, i mean, i have applied for let's count: 12 different jobs.
12 resumes, 12 cover letters (okay, not quite 12 cover letters, those are a beast to turn out), and you'd think that SOMEONE would have called me for an interview. i think that tomorrow i am going to have to turn it out and CALL some of these places to try and follow up their receiving my application/resume/combo.
finding a job is so aggravating.
i spent the better part of my day trying to line up a few babysitting jobs to help out with the bills that are due this week, so at least that much of my day was productive.
and tonight i went with a friend to an intellectual symposium about the negative stereotype given to Arabs in movies and t.v. it was pretty interesting and i especially perked up when they used Aladdin as a prime example of how Hollywood uses the same stereotypes over and over to show Middle-Easterners as barbaric and less than human.
it was a pretty intense discussion, so my friend Anny and i crept out about halfway in and went to catch the 9:10 showing of Juno. on our walk over, we were passing a homeless man when he asked us if we had money. i never ever carry cash, and Anny said that she didn't either, not that we wanted to give him cash, but Anny and i almost passed on by without saying anything to the man, when Anny turned around and went back to him and asked him what the last thing he ate was and when, and he said yesterday morning he had a donut someone gave him.
turns out we were standing outside of a bar that served a basic menu, so she asked him what he wanted and she and i went in and ordered it for him, paid for it, and took it out and served it to him. He said his name was Alphonso and that he was 53 years old. He'd been in the Army when he was younger and had seen Luxembourg and Germany, and he pointed at us and said that the best women were still the American women. before we left i shook his hand and told him to enjoy his cheeseburger and fries before they got cold. Anny shook his hand too, and when we got to the movies, i stopped and realized that we may have been some of the only people to actually touch this man in a long time. and it made me sad for Alphonso.
and Juno, oh oh oh, how i recommend it. last night i fell asleep watching Saved, and tonight, i saw Juno, i think it's funny that i watched 2 movies about pregnant 16 year olds two, nights in a row.
it was wonderful, and when i am fully rested tomorrow, i will write a little more about why i loved it so. as for now, adieu.
i've been staying up too late, sitting on the computer a little TOO long (i.e. ALL DAY LONG), and eating when i shouldn't be eating (i.e. 2:00 in the a.m.)...
but something has got to give, i mean, i have applied for let's count: 12 different jobs.
12 resumes, 12 cover letters (okay, not quite 12 cover letters, those are a beast to turn out), and you'd think that SOMEONE would have called me for an interview. i think that tomorrow i am going to have to turn it out and CALL some of these places to try and follow up their receiving my application/resume/combo.
finding a job is so aggravating.
i spent the better part of my day trying to line up a few babysitting jobs to help out with the bills that are due this week, so at least that much of my day was productive.
and tonight i went with a friend to an intellectual symposium about the negative stereotype given to Arabs in movies and t.v. it was pretty interesting and i especially perked up when they used Aladdin as a prime example of how Hollywood uses the same stereotypes over and over to show Middle-Easterners as barbaric and less than human.
it was a pretty intense discussion, so my friend Anny and i crept out about halfway in and went to catch the 9:10 showing of Juno. on our walk over, we were passing a homeless man when he asked us if we had money. i never ever carry cash, and Anny said that she didn't either, not that we wanted to give him cash, but Anny and i almost passed on by without saying anything to the man, when Anny turned around and went back to him and asked him what the last thing he ate was and when, and he said yesterday morning he had a donut someone gave him.
turns out we were standing outside of a bar that served a basic menu, so she asked him what he wanted and she and i went in and ordered it for him, paid for it, and took it out and served it to him. He said his name was Alphonso and that he was 53 years old. He'd been in the Army when he was younger and had seen Luxembourg and Germany, and he pointed at us and said that the best women were still the American women. before we left i shook his hand and told him to enjoy his cheeseburger and fries before they got cold. Anny shook his hand too, and when we got to the movies, i stopped and realized that we may have been some of the only people to actually touch this man in a long time. and it made me sad for Alphonso.
and Juno, oh oh oh, how i recommend it. last night i fell asleep watching Saved, and tonight, i saw Juno, i think it's funny that i watched 2 movies about pregnant 16 year olds two, nights in a row.
it was wonderful, and when i am fully rested tomorrow, i will write a little more about why i loved it so. as for now, adieu.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
something i like
i ran across this at wish jar and i loved it, so i wanted to share it. it just seemed like a lovely way to notice the things around you.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
the wedding, tidbits, part I
a lot of my posts have been very lengthy here recently, and it's almost been 1 week since the wedding, so i wanted to post the good bits before they slip away into non-remembrance.
gay makeup guy:
on the morning of the wedding, we got our makeup done by the gayest man i have ever met, Clint, and besides the actual wedding, it was the highlight of my entire day. Clint helped me understand lipstick and foundation and blush (3 things which i am completely alien to-i'm blonde and fair-what color lipstick? - i have problem areas that he told me were simply hormonal and i need to get a sulphur-based spot treatment and they'll clear right up - and blush should never look like you got punched in the face). Clint also complemented me on my figure, my long luxurious neck, my eye color, my legs, it was like God sent him just to give me a little boost that day.
the best thing that Clint said to me while he did my make up, was after i had briefly told him about my current state of becoming un-married, he said
"Well honey, your husband really did lose a beauty."
of course, he says this while he is applying white eye-liner to my lower lid to make my eyes look more open, and of course, i teared up (have i mentioned i am a crier?)
and he says
"Oh no, honey, I didn't mean to make you cry." and i said "No, i'm crying because you're right, and honestly, my husband never knew he had one."
and it was just a really sweet moment, to hear that someone thought i was beautiful and that Seth had really lost something big when he let me go. and even more sweet, was that Clint grabbed a tissue and dabbed my eyes for me and immediately helped me find something better to talk about.
needless to say, Clint gave me the means to look beautiful that day in more ways than makeup.
gay makeup guy:
on the morning of the wedding, we got our makeup done by the gayest man i have ever met, Clint, and besides the actual wedding, it was the highlight of my entire day. Clint helped me understand lipstick and foundation and blush (3 things which i am completely alien to-i'm blonde and fair-what color lipstick? - i have problem areas that he told me were simply hormonal and i need to get a sulphur-based spot treatment and they'll clear right up - and blush should never look like you got punched in the face). Clint also complemented me on my figure, my long luxurious neck, my eye color, my legs, it was like God sent him just to give me a little boost that day.
the best thing that Clint said to me while he did my make up, was after i had briefly told him about my current state of becoming un-married, he said
"Well honey, your husband really did lose a beauty."
of course, he says this while he is applying white eye-liner to my lower lid to make my eyes look more open, and of course, i teared up (have i mentioned i am a crier?)
and he says
"Oh no, honey, I didn't mean to make you cry." and i said "No, i'm crying because you're right, and honestly, my husband never knew he had one."
and it was just a really sweet moment, to hear that someone thought i was beautiful and that Seth had really lost something big when he let me go. and even more sweet, was that Clint grabbed a tissue and dabbed my eyes for me and immediately helped me find something better to talk about.
needless to say, Clint gave me the means to look beautiful that day in more ways than makeup.
Friday, January 25, 2008
minimizing.
over the years, being a pack-rat and a clutter-bug as well as a hoarder who is unable to let things go or pass up free things given, i have accumulated what can only be described as a shitload of stuff.
the worst part is, having moved let's count: 6 times since May 2006, and trying to purge stuff along the way, [including my husband!] i still have a lot of shtuff....
so upon moving into the new townhouse in Raleigh, i was excited that my roommate wouldn't be up to move in for a couple of weeks because that meant that i could use her room to be a sorting area. it would be my ground zero, if you will.
here are pictures of ground zero at it's worst:
and because she is going to come up and paint her room, i needed to clear it out, so, i took pictures of the progress:
please note the BIG bag of Trash.
this big box beside the big bag is one of the boxes i have filled with things to give to Goodwill.
the two boxes on the left are boxes that i emptied all-together, and the box on the right is going to Goodwill!
yay! empty!
here's the most mindboggling thing that i have found out about myself through this purge/sort chaos,
i have a serious pen problem.
seriously, the blue box is the box of markers and pens and other things to scribble with that i already knew i had.
the red box are the pens and markers and scribbly things that i found DURING the process of the purge/sort chaos.
at least i consolidated them, but now, i think that i should really really punch myself in the throat the next time i walk down the pen aisle, just to make sure i start associating buying new pens with severe pain.
next task:
figuring out what to do with all the papers i've hoarded over the years.
i think i might be better off paying someone to throw it all away for me, to just start from scratch.
the worst part is, having moved let's count: 6 times since May 2006, and trying to purge stuff along the way, [including my husband!] i still have a lot of shtuff....
so upon moving into the new townhouse in Raleigh, i was excited that my roommate wouldn't be up to move in for a couple of weeks because that meant that i could use her room to be a sorting area. it would be my ground zero, if you will.
here are pictures of ground zero at it's worst:
and because she is going to come up and paint her room, i needed to clear it out, so, i took pictures of the progress:
please note the BIG bag of Trash.
this big box beside the big bag is one of the boxes i have filled with things to give to Goodwill.
the two boxes on the left are boxes that i emptied all-together, and the box on the right is going to Goodwill!
yay! empty!
here's the most mindboggling thing that i have found out about myself through this purge/sort chaos,
i have a serious pen problem.
seriously, the blue box is the box of markers and pens and other things to scribble with that i already knew i had.
the red box are the pens and markers and scribbly things that i found DURING the process of the purge/sort chaos.
at least i consolidated them, but now, i think that i should really really punch myself in the throat the next time i walk down the pen aisle, just to make sure i start associating buying new pens with severe pain.
next task:
figuring out what to do with all the papers i've hoarded over the years.
i think i might be better off paying someone to throw it all away for me, to just start from scratch.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
turning it out.
today alone i have sent in 2 resume and cover letter combos to 2 different job postings that i came across.
yesterday i applied for 3 different positions, and last week i sent my resume to 2 different places. AND yesterday i also broke down and made a nanny-ad on a posting board, just in case i am really out of options by the time the bills hit in early January. i say this only because i really do not want to use my college degree to be a mother to someone else's kids, but hey, it may be an exhausting job but it pays the bills.
it's strange to be unemployed. i literally have nothing to do all day, except unpack (which, by the way, is hell on earth b/c i own way too much stuff) and eat. and since my roommate is not up here yet i've been all alone. the only people i have actually spoken to in person were the people who checked me out in the line at PetSmart (i got a new fish to replace the one that died) and the lady named Paulette at Lowes Foods.
so. the job hunt has been on since November, and i still haven't received any call-backs. but i am not discouraged, i mean, who wouldn't hire me?! i am going to get an interview by Friday. i have faith.
okay, back to unpacking. maybe i'll go for a walk too, i haven't been outside yet today....omg, i just realized i'm living like a hermit (cell phone chats do not count).
send some good vibes for my job hunt!
yesterday i applied for 3 different positions, and last week i sent my resume to 2 different places. AND yesterday i also broke down and made a nanny-ad on a posting board, just in case i am really out of options by the time the bills hit in early January. i say this only because i really do not want to use my college degree to be a mother to someone else's kids, but hey, it may be an exhausting job but it pays the bills.
it's strange to be unemployed. i literally have nothing to do all day, except unpack (which, by the way, is hell on earth b/c i own way too much stuff) and eat. and since my roommate is not up here yet i've been all alone. the only people i have actually spoken to in person were the people who checked me out in the line at PetSmart (i got a new fish to replace the one that died) and the lady named Paulette at Lowes Foods.
so. the job hunt has been on since November, and i still haven't received any call-backs. but i am not discouraged, i mean, who wouldn't hire me?! i am going to get an interview by Friday. i have faith.
okay, back to unpacking. maybe i'll go for a walk too, i haven't been outside yet today....omg, i just realized i'm living like a hermit (cell phone chats do not count).
send some good vibes for my job hunt!
the wedding, dress alterations
because i think that i could honestly write a movie based on all of the events that happened this weekend at the wedding, i feel like it would do us all a bit of good for me to try and break it down into smaller, easily digestible fragments, rather than create a long wordy post with boring details about every little event.
so we'll start with.................
the dress alterations:
well, when we finally met up it was oh about, 4:45 in the MORNING and i did not want to risk either scenario, A: blow up or B:melt down at such an ungodly hour, so i bunched up the plastic sleeve that the dress was in, and packed it in with the rest of the stuff we took with us to FL.
fast forward through the achingly boring, fitful sleep filled 8 hour car-ride from Charlotte to Orlando. you know, the kind of sleep you can only get in the back of a car. lean this way, your neck hurts. lean this way, your legs/feet/lower extremities fall asleep.
we get to our destination, i unpack the dress and quickly sweep it into my room, and shut the closet door.
i don't have the room to myself, and in fact, Jeannie's only other bridesmaid (actually the Maid of Honor) is her younger sister, Beth. and because Beth was out at Epcot with some of the wedding guests, i took this opportunity to look at Beth's dress in a side-by-side comparison with mine.
Beth's dress: has a perfect hem line, done on a real sewing machine, and is completely even.
mine: i believe my exact thought was "OH SHIT."
comparatively, my hem line was a little off, the fact that it was HAND-SEWN by ME was very evident, and to top it off, my mom had used an adhesive to try and make a fake hem-line, and even though it looked awful within the first few inches, she did it the ENTIRE way around. i found this mind-boggling as i looked at my dress and looked at Beth's dress. WHY WOULD MY MOM KEEP IRONING ON THIS PERMANENT ADHESIVE THE ENTIRE WAY AROUND THE DRESS IF SHE WAS SEEING HOW IT WAS CONSISTENTLY SHITTY? also, my mom had hemmed the dress' liner to the length of the adhesive, but now the dress was shorter and so the liner needed to be taken up.
so.
i had to start being honest, but not necessarily with Jeannie.
so when she got there, i told Beth. i said "Beth, i know you know how your sister is and if she knew what i am about to do, she'd probably hang me up by my fingernails and i wouldn't be in her wedding anymore because i'd be dead, so i'm going to need you to help me cover my ass and i've got to do some work to my dress. my mom and i have both botched it up pretty good, but if you'll help me make sure your sister does NOT come into this room, i will buy you a gift card or take you to dinner whenever i get a job back in NC."
Beth: it's cool. I got your back.
did i mention that Beth is 18 and may or may not be a recreational stoner?
so, i broke out the ole needle and thread, turned the dress inside out, and trimmed the broke-looking adhesive hem, crappily sewed the liner to a new length, and when i turned it back to the rightside out, i put it on and Beth helped me survey the damage.
1-i caught a piece of the ACTUAL dress when i was snipping away at the old hem with the adhesive on it. there was a somewhat noticeable tear in the fabric near the hemline. CRAP!
2-there were several places where the liner was still hanging lower than the dress.
3-there were noticeable strings hanging down from the hemline.
4-CRAP.
Beth totally saved the day and helped me fix the liner with the dress still on my body and listened to me bubble out excuses about how i am not a professional seamstress and how hell would have to freeze over before i let my mom touch something else i need altered ever again. and how THIS is why you pay $40 to have someone else do the work for you.
there were a few panic moments wherein Jeannie knocked on the door and asked what we were doing, but Beth was a total champ and said "We're writing our toasts, go away!" whew.
and while i kept envisioning Sunday morning to be a catastrophe along the lines of:
hair and makeup done, time to put on the dresses. Beth gets dressed, then i get dressed, as we are standing next to one another, the gay guy who is doing our makeup, the mean woman who is doing our hair, and Jeannie's mother and grandmother crowd around me and point at my hemline gasping "WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOUR DRESS? WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US SOONER?"
instead, Sunday morning turned out to go like this:
hair and makeup done, time to put on the dresses. i get dressed, Beth gets dressed, and when i walk out everyone (all of the aforementioned folks) says "YOU LOOK AWESOME!" i think the gay guy even snapped his fingers! "What a great color and cute dress that is! You can wear that again on a cruise!" HA!
luckily, by the end of the night, after dancing and prancing and doing the whole wedding shebang, the dress was not in tatters, none of the seams i sewed had fallen out, and the safety pins holding the liner up were completely unnoticeable.
when we got home and undressed, i said to Beth, "would you believe that not one person said a thing about my dress?! i think i gave myself an ulcer worrying about it and no one even NOTICED! maybe i should be a seamstress!"
then i snapped out of it and realized i must have been delusional.
pictures, for your enjoyment, and if you are a seamstress, your disappointment with my craftsmanship:
this is just a glimpse of what i call the "small scale puckering" that occurred when i hand stitched the hem.
an upskirt shot. ha!
this is what the LINER looked like when i was DONE with it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! haha!
please note, 3 safety pins, and a whole lot of messy seams.
can you believe that NO ONE said anything?!
so we'll start with.................
the dress alterations:
well, when we finally met up it was oh about, 4:45 in the MORNING and i did not want to risk either scenario, A: blow up or B:melt down at such an ungodly hour, so i bunched up the plastic sleeve that the dress was in, and packed it in with the rest of the stuff we took with us to FL.
fast forward through the achingly boring, fitful sleep filled 8 hour car-ride from Charlotte to Orlando. you know, the kind of sleep you can only get in the back of a car. lean this way, your neck hurts. lean this way, your legs/feet/lower extremities fall asleep.
we get to our destination, i unpack the dress and quickly sweep it into my room, and shut the closet door.
i don't have the room to myself, and in fact, Jeannie's only other bridesmaid (actually the Maid of Honor) is her younger sister, Beth. and because Beth was out at Epcot with some of the wedding guests, i took this opportunity to look at Beth's dress in a side-by-side comparison with mine.
Beth's dress: has a perfect hem line, done on a real sewing machine, and is completely even.
mine: i believe my exact thought was "OH SHIT."
comparatively, my hem line was a little off, the fact that it was HAND-SEWN by ME was very evident, and to top it off, my mom had used an adhesive to try and make a fake hem-line, and even though it looked awful within the first few inches, she did it the ENTIRE way around. i found this mind-boggling as i looked at my dress and looked at Beth's dress. WHY WOULD MY MOM KEEP IRONING ON THIS PERMANENT ADHESIVE THE ENTIRE WAY AROUND THE DRESS IF SHE WAS SEEING HOW IT WAS CONSISTENTLY SHITTY? also, my mom had hemmed the dress' liner to the length of the adhesive, but now the dress was shorter and so the liner needed to be taken up.
so.
i had to start being honest, but not necessarily with Jeannie.
so when she got there, i told Beth. i said "Beth, i know you know how your sister is and if she knew what i am about to do, she'd probably hang me up by my fingernails and i wouldn't be in her wedding anymore because i'd be dead, so i'm going to need you to help me cover my ass and i've got to do some work to my dress. my mom and i have both botched it up pretty good, but if you'll help me make sure your sister does NOT come into this room, i will buy you a gift card or take you to dinner whenever i get a job back in NC."
Beth: it's cool. I got your back.
did i mention that Beth is 18 and may or may not be a recreational stoner?
so, i broke out the ole needle and thread, turned the dress inside out, and trimmed the broke-looking adhesive hem, crappily sewed the liner to a new length, and when i turned it back to the rightside out, i put it on and Beth helped me survey the damage.
1-i caught a piece of the ACTUAL dress when i was snipping away at the old hem with the adhesive on it. there was a somewhat noticeable tear in the fabric near the hemline. CRAP!
2-there were several places where the liner was still hanging lower than the dress.
3-there were noticeable strings hanging down from the hemline.
4-CRAP.
Beth totally saved the day and helped me fix the liner with the dress still on my body and listened to me bubble out excuses about how i am not a professional seamstress and how hell would have to freeze over before i let my mom touch something else i need altered ever again. and how THIS is why you pay $40 to have someone else do the work for you.
there were a few panic moments wherein Jeannie knocked on the door and asked what we were doing, but Beth was a total champ and said "We're writing our toasts, go away!" whew.
and while i kept envisioning Sunday morning to be a catastrophe along the lines of:
hair and makeup done, time to put on the dresses. Beth gets dressed, then i get dressed, as we are standing next to one another, the gay guy who is doing our makeup, the mean woman who is doing our hair, and Jeannie's mother and grandmother crowd around me and point at my hemline gasping "WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOUR DRESS? WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US SOONER?"
instead, Sunday morning turned out to go like this:
hair and makeup done, time to put on the dresses. i get dressed, Beth gets dressed, and when i walk out everyone (all of the aforementioned folks) says "YOU LOOK AWESOME!" i think the gay guy even snapped his fingers! "What a great color and cute dress that is! You can wear that again on a cruise!" HA!
luckily, by the end of the night, after dancing and prancing and doing the whole wedding shebang, the dress was not in tatters, none of the seams i sewed had fallen out, and the safety pins holding the liner up were completely unnoticeable.
when we got home and undressed, i said to Beth, "would you believe that not one person said a thing about my dress?! i think i gave myself an ulcer worrying about it and no one even NOTICED! maybe i should be a seamstress!"
then i snapped out of it and realized i must have been delusional.
pictures, for your enjoyment, and if you are a seamstress, your disappointment with my craftsmanship:
this is just a glimpse of what i call the "small scale puckering" that occurred when i hand stitched the hem.
an upskirt shot. ha!
this is what the LINER looked like when i was DONE with it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! haha!
please note, 3 safety pins, and a whole lot of messy seams.
can you believe that NO ONE said anything?!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
tagged
i got tagged by Two Date Diva and Princess B to reveal a bit more about myself so while i am still gathering my thoughts about the wedding weekend, i thought i'd go ahead and reveal more about myself.
The rules for this particular game:
-Link to the person who tagged you.
-Post the rules on your blog.
-Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
-Tag at least 3 people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
-Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
1. i stopped capitalizing my name when i was in the 10 grade, i never capitalize it. ever. this also carried into un-capitalizing "I" when i write about myself. i did it to be humble, now i do it because i don't like the way capital letters loom over the other letters, like they're Godzilla or something.
2. i bought a new Betta fish last week, picked out the prettiest one, because i wanted to get a new one for the new townhome, left for the wedding weekend, Lancelot was dead. me=worst fish Mom ever.
3. i hate bread. i will only eat bread when it is proportionately balanced with other things: a sandwich is okay as long as there is enough meat/lettuce/condiments to take away from the breadiness of the bread. i do not enjoy rolls, biscuits, cornbread, toast, and even, dare i say, cake. sometimes cake can be too bready.
4. someone told me that i look like Anne Frank with blonde hair when i was in the 8th grade, i have never forgotten it. and honestly, i can see it.
5. this is listed on the sidebar, but i really do have a baby tooth that will never fall out. it's my upper-right canine-tooth. there is no permanent tooth there to push it out, so i have a little souvenir from my childhood with me all the time. that is, until i get some damn-good dental insurance so that i can get some porcelain veneers.
6. all the names on this blog have been changed for my own peace-of-mind. i came up with Lisa because i love to watch the Simpsons, and Seth because it was the name of the boy i used to like when i was in 5th grade. i hope that this doesn't mean you won't read my blog anymore, but i had to change all the names so that i could write freely and without feeling like i had to hold-back. no one i actually know has been given the link to my "secret" blog, except Carla. she reads it.
i'm tagging:
no one for now.
i have to think about who hasn't been tagged, and who i want to tag!
The rules for this particular game:
-Link to the person who tagged you.
-Post the rules on your blog.
-Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
-Tag at least 3 people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
-Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
1. i stopped capitalizing my name when i was in the 10 grade, i never capitalize it. ever. this also carried into un-capitalizing "I" when i write about myself. i did it to be humble, now i do it because i don't like the way capital letters loom over the other letters, like they're Godzilla or something.
2. i bought a new Betta fish last week, picked out the prettiest one, because i wanted to get a new one for the new townhome, left for the wedding weekend, Lancelot was dead. me=worst fish Mom ever.
3. i hate bread. i will only eat bread when it is proportionately balanced with other things: a sandwich is okay as long as there is enough meat/lettuce/condiments to take away from the breadiness of the bread. i do not enjoy rolls, biscuits, cornbread, toast, and even, dare i say, cake. sometimes cake can be too bready.
4. someone told me that i look like Anne Frank with blonde hair when i was in the 8th grade, i have never forgotten it. and honestly, i can see it.
5. this is listed on the sidebar, but i really do have a baby tooth that will never fall out. it's my upper-right canine-tooth. there is no permanent tooth there to push it out, so i have a little souvenir from my childhood with me all the time. that is, until i get some damn-good dental insurance so that i can get some porcelain veneers.
6. all the names on this blog have been changed for my own peace-of-mind. i came up with Lisa because i love to watch the Simpsons, and Seth because it was the name of the boy i used to like when i was in 5th grade. i hope that this doesn't mean you won't read my blog anymore, but i had to change all the names so that i could write freely and without feeling like i had to hold-back. no one i actually know has been given the link to my "secret" blog, except Carla. she reads it.
i'm tagging:
no one for now.
i have to think about who hasn't been tagged, and who i want to tag!
Monday, January 21, 2008
back in black
okay, i'm not wearing black, but i am back.
back from a whirlwind weekend in Florida.
will post about the wedding asap.
rest assured, this weekend was full of:
awkward moments, one hilarious gay make-up artist guy, heartfelt toasts, temper tantrums, dress-alterations, mini-meltdowns, inappropriate gestures, European kiss-kissing with a beautiful Portugese man, and dancing until my feet cramped.
but for now,
i must sleep.
back from a whirlwind weekend in Florida.
will post about the wedding asap.
rest assured, this weekend was full of:
awkward moments, one hilarious gay make-up artist guy, heartfelt toasts, temper tantrums, dress-alterations, mini-meltdowns, inappropriate gestures, European kiss-kissing with a beautiful Portugese man, and dancing until my feet cramped.
but for now,
i must sleep.
Friday, January 18, 2008
why on earth.....
why on earth am i awake at 2 am?
let's see:
about the time i was deciding whether the timing was right to leave Seth (and i found that there is no right timing) was the same time that my friend Jeannie picked out the dresses for her wedding.
it should be noted that the Maid of Honor is her younger sister, and that there is only one other bridesmaid: me.
she picked out your basic satin-luscious pearly green color and got it in a halter top style from David's Bridal. we* decided that the length was weird and that we would get it hemmed to just below the kneecap.
*we=Bridezilla.
and like clockwork, every week since NOVEMBER 1 i have gotten at least one email that says "hey, have you gotten your dress altered yet? the wedding is only ____ weeks away and we* need to make sure it's done and ready for the wedding by January 18."
EVERY WEEK.
and me, being in the middle of a major-life-change and almost completely BROKE, i turned to my mother about 3 weeks into December and i ask her if she could alter the dress for me. she said she could. so i didn't worry about it.
my mom sews for a living, but sews cushions and pillows for furniture, not dresses. but when i did get married she altered my dress and a few million other times, she's come through for me on the alterations so that i don't have to pay and i don't have to bother with seamstresses.
fast forward to a week ago, i tried on the dress, Mom looks at it and says "yeah, easy as pie".
fast forward to Monday, four days ago. i ask Mom if she will please get started on the dress because i was going to be moving on Tuesday and back on Thursday and then on the road by Friday morning so really, the dress needed to be done by Thursday.
i got home tonight around 9:30.
i ask Mom what the dress looks like, and she looked at me like Bashful the Dwarf, but maybe a little more like Ashamed the Dwarf (if there were one), and says "I tried my best."
i surveyed the dress and pronounced the fact that if Jeannie were to see this dress she would say that it looked shitty and that i should've gotten it professionally done and now i have officially ruined her wedding.
this did not go over well for my Mom, and while i didn't mean to hurt her feelings, she has also really put me in a bind. the wedding is Sunday, it is basically FRIDAY. so....i wish she would've called me earlier and told me that she didn't think she was qualified to finish hemming the dress, so that i could've possibly arranged to find an alterations seamstress in Florida before i actually get there.
so then i just decided to bite the bullet and deal with Bridezilla first thing when i see her at 4:45 AM, and i was just going to say "i'm sorry, there are no excuses, this will not be a big deal, i can find someone to do the work." and i tried to fall asleep so that i could get some rest before driving to Florida in the morning, but then, as i lay there, i imagined a variety of scenarios snowballing from this revelation in the morning:
scenario 1: Crying
scenario 2: Silent Treatment
so, because i couldn't sleep knowing that the dress was hanging in here looking shitty, i got up, tried a few different sewing techniques and fixed the dress by hand.
when i say fixed i mean i did whatever i thought would look the least shitty. clearly, it no longer looks new from David's Bridal and YES it does look a little shitty, but i am proud of it, and hopefully, she won't even care/notice (although something tells me she will). but here's my gameplan: play it cool, act like it looks AWESOME, and if she says anything more than once, then i will ask her if she really wants me to get another seamstress to look at it. this way, i make it her choice and not mine.
now, maybe i can get an hour and a half of sleep before i have to get up to get in a car and ride to FL with Bridezilla and her man.
g'night!
let's see:
about the time i was deciding whether the timing was right to leave Seth (and i found that there is no right timing) was the same time that my friend Jeannie picked out the dresses for her wedding.
it should be noted that the Maid of Honor is her younger sister, and that there is only one other bridesmaid: me.
she picked out your basic satin-luscious pearly green color and got it in a halter top style from David's Bridal. we* decided that the length was weird and that we would get it hemmed to just below the kneecap.
*we=Bridezilla.
and like clockwork, every week since NOVEMBER 1 i have gotten at least one email that says "hey, have you gotten your dress altered yet? the wedding is only ____ weeks away and we* need to make sure it's done and ready for the wedding by January 18."
EVERY WEEK.
and me, being in the middle of a major-life-change and almost completely BROKE, i turned to my mother about 3 weeks into December and i ask her if she could alter the dress for me. she said she could. so i didn't worry about it.
my mom sews for a living, but sews cushions and pillows for furniture, not dresses. but when i did get married she altered my dress and a few million other times, she's come through for me on the alterations so that i don't have to pay and i don't have to bother with seamstresses.
fast forward to a week ago, i tried on the dress, Mom looks at it and says "yeah, easy as pie".
fast forward to Monday, four days ago. i ask Mom if she will please get started on the dress because i was going to be moving on Tuesday and back on Thursday and then on the road by Friday morning so really, the dress needed to be done by Thursday.
i got home tonight around 9:30.
i ask Mom what the dress looks like, and she looked at me like Bashful the Dwarf, but maybe a little more like Ashamed the Dwarf (if there were one), and says "I tried my best."
i surveyed the dress and pronounced the fact that if Jeannie were to see this dress she would say that it looked shitty and that i should've gotten it professionally done and now i have officially ruined her wedding.
this did not go over well for my Mom, and while i didn't mean to hurt her feelings, she has also really put me in a bind. the wedding is Sunday, it is basically FRIDAY. so....i wish she would've called me earlier and told me that she didn't think she was qualified to finish hemming the dress, so that i could've possibly arranged to find an alterations seamstress in Florida before i actually get there.
so then i just decided to bite the bullet and deal with Bridezilla first thing when i see her at 4:45 AM, and i was just going to say "i'm sorry, there are no excuses, this will not be a big deal, i can find someone to do the work." and i tried to fall asleep so that i could get some rest before driving to Florida in the morning, but then, as i lay there, i imagined a variety of scenarios snowballing from this revelation in the morning:
scenario 1: Crying
she bursts into tears because she has asked me repeatedly how the alterations were coming along and i lied to her the entire time, saying "everything's great, the dress looks great!" she looks at me and says "NOW WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!!!! BAAAHHHHHHHHHWAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
scenario 2: Silent Treatment
this is probably the more realistic scenario as she is prone to pouting and blocking people out until she suddenly snaps back into being a normal person. this presents a horrific car-ride situation for the 7 hour trip to Florida, am i wrong?
and then there's the worst scenario [and least likely to happen]
scenario 3: Bitch Fight
this then presented the imagined scenario of an honest conversation ending in a fight where she says "You ruined my wedding" and i say "You know, there is a REASON why you only have 1 bridesmaid! it is WORK being your friend!" then of course, i am no longer invited to the wedding and stranded in Florida with no ride home.
so, because i couldn't sleep knowing that the dress was hanging in here looking shitty, i got up, tried a few different sewing techniques and fixed the dress by hand.
when i say fixed i mean i did whatever i thought would look the least shitty. clearly, it no longer looks new from David's Bridal and YES it does look a little shitty, but i am proud of it, and hopefully, she won't even care/notice (although something tells me she will). but here's my gameplan: play it cool, act like it looks AWESOME, and if she says anything more than once, then i will ask her if she really wants me to get another seamstress to look at it. this way, i make it her choice and not mine.
now, maybe i can get an hour and a half of sleep before i have to get up to get in a car and ride to FL with Bridezilla and her man.
g'night!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
not to be mean
but this is just one, tiny, insignificant example of why i am glad i was no longer trying to put on a sham marriage. it is a picture of a friend of mine, who i feel like lives in a bubble, and her poor poor husband must have had his manlihood handed over to her when they met in high school. seriously, this guy has no balls (or at least, it is not evident that he does!).
i have tried my best to conceal their identities, but please, just take the time to let this picture soak in.
they have 2 cats and 2 dogs.
there are large, Christmas bows on ALL of the pets.
the pets just want to get the picture over with.
my question is, who took this picture? i don't know, i just don't get it. as i have known this couple for over 4 years now [they've been married for 2 years], i never really felt like they actually knew each other.
anyway. just thought i would share.
maybe i'm having a cynical day because i haven't heard ANYTHING out of ANY of the jobs i have applied for. and now i am out sitting on a limb, all alone, trying to figure out what's next.
OH,
and tonight i have to drive home and get a little sleep before i have to get up at 4 am to get in a car with my friend Jeanne and DRIVE to Florida for her wedding on Sunday.
did i mention that i am her only bridesmaid? did i mention that she has been a TOTAL BRIDEZILLA since the day she got engaged in August?!! did i also mention that i entrusted the hemming of my dress to my mother and thus far, she has done a really shitty job of it..........and now there is no time left to go get professional alterations done.....so.....i'm hoping my mother got my crafty grandmother to help with it. i really don't want to have to wear a dress that looks rough at the hem-line, and i especially don't want to deal with what i know will only be hellfire and brimstone if Jeannie thinks it looks shitty. OH LORD.
so, this weekend, while all of you lovely people are living fun lives full of volleyball classes and date-nights and playing with your beautiful children, i will be traveling in an SUV from North Carolina to Florida, hopefully squeezing in time to blog, read, and ignore the fact that while my marriage may have failed (miserably) i am there to support my friend Jeannie as she starts her own journey into married *bliss*.
i think i am also in charge of writing a toast for the reception (something i have always wanted to do!) here's all that i have come up with so far, especially because i'm in a cynical spell right now:
I could stand up here and go on and on about how long we've known each other and how you have been like a sister to me for so many years, but above all, Jeannie and Charles, i wish for you three things. 1-Best of Luck, 2-Abundant love and joy, and 3-Wisdom to recognize God's blessings in your life together. CHEERS!
i have tried my best to conceal their identities, but please, just take the time to let this picture soak in.
they have 2 cats and 2 dogs.
there are large, Christmas bows on ALL of the pets.
the pets just want to get the picture over with.
my question is, who took this picture? i don't know, i just don't get it. as i have known this couple for over 4 years now [they've been married for 2 years], i never really felt like they actually knew each other.
anyway. just thought i would share.
maybe i'm having a cynical day because i haven't heard ANYTHING out of ANY of the jobs i have applied for. and now i am out sitting on a limb, all alone, trying to figure out what's next.
OH,
and tonight i have to drive home and get a little sleep before i have to get up at 4 am to get in a car with my friend Jeanne and DRIVE to Florida for her wedding on Sunday.
did i mention that i am her only bridesmaid? did i mention that she has been a TOTAL BRIDEZILLA since the day she got engaged in August?!! did i also mention that i entrusted the hemming of my dress to my mother and thus far, she has done a really shitty job of it..........and now there is no time left to go get professional alterations done.....so.....i'm hoping my mother got my crafty grandmother to help with it. i really don't want to have to wear a dress that looks rough at the hem-line, and i especially don't want to deal with what i know will only be hellfire and brimstone if Jeannie thinks it looks shitty. OH LORD.
so, this weekend, while all of you lovely people are living fun lives full of volleyball classes and date-nights and playing with your beautiful children, i will be traveling in an SUV from North Carolina to Florida, hopefully squeezing in time to blog, read, and ignore the fact that while my marriage may have failed (miserably) i am there to support my friend Jeannie as she starts her own journey into married *bliss*.
i think i am also in charge of writing a toast for the reception (something i have always wanted to do!) here's all that i have come up with so far, especially because i'm in a cynical spell right now:
I could stand up here and go on and on about how long we've known each other and how you have been like a sister to me for so many years, but above all, Jeannie and Charles, i wish for you three things. 1-Best of Luck, 2-Abundant love and joy, and 3-Wisdom to recognize God's blessings in your life together. CHEERS!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
guest blog by Carla
today's post was not written by me, although, i feel like had i not gotten married, i could very well have written it myself. today's blog is written by my nearest and dearest friend, Carla. enjoy.
Sex. Why I don’t have it. Why shouldn’t I have it?
(For my future daughters or sons to read, and whoever else gives a rip about this subject)
I’m 26 years old. I’m still a virgin. What is wrong with this picture? According to all my nursing classes, we make a very big deal about this man named “Maslow” that came up with this hierarchy of needs that is necessary for all humans. The bottom of the pyramid, the part that has to be met before any other area can be, includes Shelter, Food, Safety, and SEX! All of which I participate in except for one… SEX. Well if it’s true, that sex is part of what we need to have to be functional, healthy, and self actualizing… well then I’M SCREWED- not literally of course. Christianity has taught me to wait until I’m married, to save myself for that one person to give it up to on my wedding night. Biblically I’ve only found scripture that says the marriage bed should be kept pure, and stay away from adultery- even in your thoughts… but where does it say, don’t have sex before you’re married?
I had coffee with my good friend Lori tonight and I left very frustrated… sexually and mentally speaking- but not b/c of her. We were talking about this and how she said she admired me for waiting and she doesn’t see how I do it. Not exactly an encouraging word to hear no matter how she meant it. This is a God loving, Christ committed, wonderfully happy married woman, who waited to have sex with her husband until their wedding night. She says that sex is like food and water for her, and that if for some reason her husband died, she doesn’t know how long she could go without it. That is not exactly encouraging for a virgin such as myself, or better yet a very curvatious, sexually mature, clearly fertile, raring to go 26 year old woman such as myself. I kept thinking, "man, I really am missing out!" In fact, as she talked I became more aware of how angry I was that I wasn’t having sex and how jealous I am of her that she actually gets to throw down and dirty as much as she wants every week! So I ask her, where in the bible does it really say to “wait until you are married? HUH?” She confirmed my thought with; "it doesn’t really word for word say that, you are right." We continue our conversation with all the responsibilities that come with sex, and the reason for sex, and the commitment that sex requires, and that is why God warns us about sex and sets some ground rules. I still found myself getting worked up and feeling like the Christian community has done a really good job of teaching and telling teenagers about the “don’ts” about sex but done a really shitty job of teaching the “whys” of not having sex. We have packaged it up into this “God is going to hate you if you do have sex” box and expected raging hormonal teenagers to accept that and then wonder why they turn away from the church and God in sexual shame when one day the battle between the mind and body is too hard to fight. Why did God say keep the marriage bed pure? Why did he say to steer clear of lusting after another man’s wife (or vice versa for us ladies)? Why did he say it’s better to marry than to burn in singleness?- “burning” meaning in the sexual desire sense.
Here’s what I think… and I think it’s pretty spot on! There are a few things that are for sure…
1. Sex is AWESOME! (I know that, even without having the real thing)
2. Sex connects people
3. Sex releases a billion hormones that connect people to one another
4. Sex is risky
5. Sex brings responsibility- for the person, and for the body
6. Sex is messy- physically and emotionally
7. Sex is the closest any two people can come to one another- it’s the ultimate!
8. Sex is for reproduction
9. Sex brings bodily pleasure
This is why I don’t have sex. The emotional and physical tie that it would give to me and someone would be TOO MUCH for me to let go of. The responsibility that sex brings is more than I’m willing to gamble with, with someone who might not be fully committed to me and who might not be able to take responsibility for what I will require after I have it. I am not ready to have children. I do not want an STD. I know that once I start, I won’t be able to stop. I do not want to risk being broken over having sex with someone who leaves me, when I already find it hard to get over someone who makes out with me. I don’t want to give that part of myself to someone who isn’t committed to me, who might not love me for everything that I am, and who might not be in it with me for the long haul. When will someone prove to me that they deserve my body and this fine piece of ass? When they marry me- and commit their life to me!
That’s what I think God was getting at with these rules. He knows that he made sex to be incredible, to be a vital part of life- and he knows what it intales. It takes commitment, honor, and responsibility. I don’t think that is possible in just a dating relationship, and even in an engagement- who’s to say it’s the right thing? Once you’ve given it up there is no going back and there is something lost when it is given up, as well as gained. I’m not willing to gamble losing it for nothing. Even in marriage, sex is still a gamble… but at least it’s in a commitment. People die, people marry again, mistakes are made, people marry the wrong person, people have sex anyway… but God doesn’t hate us for that. He’s just trying to let us know, “hey, I know what sex is, I made it!! I’m just trying to help you get yourself to the point and to the commitment level it takes to help you have the best sex of your life!”
I wonder if I should be so mad at my friends who are in committed relationships and are having sex. Am I angry because I’ve been taught to wait until I'm married? Am I jealous because I’m not having any? Yes, a little of both; however, speaking for myself, I’m not having it until I have the right circumstance and the right relationship… and according to the bible and according to LIFE… marriage looks like the safest place. Anything else is just asking for trouble, and risking giving away the most precious thing I can give to someone- my body, and my heart.
To my friends who have it, I say WHATEVER… but consider yourself warned, and know that I’m still a little jealous of you. If you get through dating, engagement and onto marriage being sexually active and still feel like everything worked out… well then count your blessings and thank the Lord that you didn’t have to experience any of the downsides of sex outside of marriage. I’m just not willing to risk that.
So, I’ll keep waiting… damn it. I’ll wait even when I’m dating. I’ll wait even when I’m engaged. And to Maslow, I say, I can live and function without it for now, but to my future husband I say… strap yourself in honey, because you are in for the RIDE OF YOUR LIFE… literally!
------Carla
what do you think about Carla's situation? comments? insights?
Sex. Why I don’t have it. Why shouldn’t I have it?
(For my future daughters or sons to read, and whoever else gives a rip about this subject)
I’m 26 years old. I’m still a virgin. What is wrong with this picture? According to all my nursing classes, we make a very big deal about this man named “Maslow” that came up with this hierarchy of needs that is necessary for all humans. The bottom of the pyramid, the part that has to be met before any other area can be, includes Shelter, Food, Safety, and SEX! All of which I participate in except for one… SEX. Well if it’s true, that sex is part of what we need to have to be functional, healthy, and self actualizing… well then I’M SCREWED- not literally of course. Christianity has taught me to wait until I’m married, to save myself for that one person to give it up to on my wedding night. Biblically I’ve only found scripture that says the marriage bed should be kept pure, and stay away from adultery- even in your thoughts… but where does it say, don’t have sex before you’re married?
I had coffee with my good friend Lori tonight and I left very frustrated… sexually and mentally speaking- but not b/c of her. We were talking about this and how she said she admired me for waiting and she doesn’t see how I do it. Not exactly an encouraging word to hear no matter how she meant it. This is a God loving, Christ committed, wonderfully happy married woman, who waited to have sex with her husband until their wedding night. She says that sex is like food and water for her, and that if for some reason her husband died, she doesn’t know how long she could go without it. That is not exactly encouraging for a virgin such as myself, or better yet a very curvatious, sexually mature, clearly fertile, raring to go 26 year old woman such as myself. I kept thinking, "man, I really am missing out!" In fact, as she talked I became more aware of how angry I was that I wasn’t having sex and how jealous I am of her that she actually gets to throw down and dirty as much as she wants every week! So I ask her, where in the bible does it really say to “wait until you are married? HUH?” She confirmed my thought with; "it doesn’t really word for word say that, you are right." We continue our conversation with all the responsibilities that come with sex, and the reason for sex, and the commitment that sex requires, and that is why God warns us about sex and sets some ground rules. I still found myself getting worked up and feeling like the Christian community has done a really good job of teaching and telling teenagers about the “don’ts” about sex but done a really shitty job of teaching the “whys” of not having sex. We have packaged it up into this “God is going to hate you if you do have sex” box and expected raging hormonal teenagers to accept that and then wonder why they turn away from the church and God in sexual shame when one day the battle between the mind and body is too hard to fight. Why did God say keep the marriage bed pure? Why did he say to steer clear of lusting after another man’s wife (or vice versa for us ladies)? Why did he say it’s better to marry than to burn in singleness?- “burning” meaning in the sexual desire sense.
Here’s what I think… and I think it’s pretty spot on! There are a few things that are for sure…
1. Sex is AWESOME! (I know that, even without having the real thing)
2. Sex connects people
3. Sex releases a billion hormones that connect people to one another
4. Sex is risky
5. Sex brings responsibility- for the person, and for the body
6. Sex is messy- physically and emotionally
7. Sex is the closest any two people can come to one another- it’s the ultimate!
8. Sex is for reproduction
9. Sex brings bodily pleasure
This is why I don’t have sex. The emotional and physical tie that it would give to me and someone would be TOO MUCH for me to let go of. The responsibility that sex brings is more than I’m willing to gamble with, with someone who might not be fully committed to me and who might not be able to take responsibility for what I will require after I have it. I am not ready to have children. I do not want an STD. I know that once I start, I won’t be able to stop. I do not want to risk being broken over having sex with someone who leaves me, when I already find it hard to get over someone who makes out with me. I don’t want to give that part of myself to someone who isn’t committed to me, who might not love me for everything that I am, and who might not be in it with me for the long haul. When will someone prove to me that they deserve my body and this fine piece of ass? When they marry me- and commit their life to me!
That’s what I think God was getting at with these rules. He knows that he made sex to be incredible, to be a vital part of life- and he knows what it intales. It takes commitment, honor, and responsibility. I don’t think that is possible in just a dating relationship, and even in an engagement- who’s to say it’s the right thing? Once you’ve given it up there is no going back and there is something lost when it is given up, as well as gained. I’m not willing to gamble losing it for nothing. Even in marriage, sex is still a gamble… but at least it’s in a commitment. People die, people marry again, mistakes are made, people marry the wrong person, people have sex anyway… but God doesn’t hate us for that. He’s just trying to let us know, “hey, I know what sex is, I made it!! I’m just trying to help you get yourself to the point and to the commitment level it takes to help you have the best sex of your life!”
I wonder if I should be so mad at my friends who are in committed relationships and are having sex. Am I angry because I’ve been taught to wait until I'm married? Am I jealous because I’m not having any? Yes, a little of both; however, speaking for myself, I’m not having it until I have the right circumstance and the right relationship… and according to the bible and according to LIFE… marriage looks like the safest place. Anything else is just asking for trouble, and risking giving away the most precious thing I can give to someone- my body, and my heart.
To my friends who have it, I say WHATEVER… but consider yourself warned, and know that I’m still a little jealous of you. If you get through dating, engagement and onto marriage being sexually active and still feel like everything worked out… well then count your blessings and thank the Lord that you didn’t have to experience any of the downsides of sex outside of marriage. I’m just not willing to risk that.
So, I’ll keep waiting… damn it. I’ll wait even when I’m dating. I’ll wait even when I’m engaged. And to Maslow, I say, I can live and function without it for now, but to my future husband I say… strap yourself in honey, because you are in for the RIDE OF YOUR LIFE… literally!
------Carla
what do you think about Carla's situation? comments? insights?
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
oooooooooh yeah
the good news is:
i have arrived!
the best news is:
today is the first day of the rest of my life and i actually breathed a sigh of relief today. everything has really come together and i honestly cannot take any credit for it. Thank you Lord.
as i was driving today, i saw a flock of starlings (fun little birds who fly on the breezes) and as they drifted over and under and over and under, forming patterns against the sky, i was simultaneously singing along with a song that was playing, the exact lyrics i was singing were (and really, try to read all of the lyrics, as i know sometimes when someone inserts lyrics, we are tempted to skim and go "blah blah blah, stop trying to be artsy and stop reading into things, but really, seriously, i got chills):
and as i was singing "I'm on the up and up" over and over, i just go so happy, i got so excited, i had to squeal out loud (which, as Carla will testify, is something i do just like a little kid) and i clapped my hands, and my heart jumped up and down and i just was overwhelmed with a sense of excitment and thrill. i think that is the perfect word for how i feel about this new place and new chapter, hell, a new BOOK in my life: thrilled.
i have arrived!
the best news is:
today is the first day of the rest of my life and i actually breathed a sigh of relief today. everything has really come together and i honestly cannot take any credit for it. Thank you Lord.
as i was driving today, i saw a flock of starlings (fun little birds who fly on the breezes) and as they drifted over and under and over and under, forming patterns against the sky, i was simultaneously singing along with a song that was playing, the exact lyrics i was singing were (and really, try to read all of the lyrics, as i know sometimes when someone inserts lyrics, we are tempted to skim and go "blah blah blah, stop trying to be artsy and stop reading into things, but really, seriously, i got chills):
Yesterday
Is not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today
With every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more
Cause it seems I get so hung up on
The history of what's gone wrong
And the hope of a new day
Is sometimes hard to see (what you see)
And though I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
And the light there at the end is
Where I'll be
Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I'm capable of
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
Is not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today
With every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more
Cause it seems I get so hung up on
The history of what's gone wrong
And the hope of a new day
Is sometimes hard to see (what you see)
And though I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
And the light there at the end is
Where I'll be
Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I'm capable of
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
and as i was singing "I'm on the up and up" over and over, i just go so happy, i got so excited, i had to squeal out loud (which, as Carla will testify, is something i do just like a little kid) and i clapped my hands, and my heart jumped up and down and i just was overwhelmed with a sense of excitment and thrill. i think that is the perfect word for how i feel about this new place and new chapter, hell, a new BOOK in my life: thrilled.
Monday, January 14, 2008
tired, exhausted, and it's only day 1
i am, how you say, le tired.
today was gruelling to say the least, but thank goodness i do not have plans to move again ANY time soon. packing my stuff today meant that i had to lift EVERYTHING that weighs anything more than 15 lbs b/c my mother has 0 upper-body strength. so when she said she'd help me today, i knew that help was a relative term.
my dad showed up with his truck and that was great because we can fit EVERYTHING in there and that means i only need to make one trip.
i will try to post a picture of all my stuff once it's in my dad's truck, and then, i will try to post another picture of the stuff once it's in the townhouse.
i have a LOT of stuff, and i plan on really, really, really sorting through it before it all settles into my new place like water into a dry sponge.
seriously.
i am so glad there is a Goodwill in my neighborhood, this way, i will actually go and drop things off when i say i will!
today was gruelling to say the least, but thank goodness i do not have plans to move again ANY time soon. packing my stuff today meant that i had to lift EVERYTHING that weighs anything more than 15 lbs b/c my mother has 0 upper-body strength. so when she said she'd help me today, i knew that help was a relative term.
my dad showed up with his truck and that was great because we can fit EVERYTHING in there and that means i only need to make one trip.
i will try to post a picture of all my stuff once it's in my dad's truck, and then, i will try to post another picture of the stuff once it's in the townhouse.
i have a LOT of stuff, and i plan on really, really, really sorting through it before it all settles into my new place like water into a dry sponge.
seriously.
i am so glad there is a Goodwill in my neighborhood, this way, i will actually go and drop things off when i say i will!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
T-minus
T-minus 2 days and counting, and i will no longer be living with my mother and/or grandfather.
okay.
just so that you might be able to grasp even the slightest clue of what i have had to endure for the last 2 months i'm going to give you the basics.
1-my grandfather is 85 years old, hard of hearing, and crazy. i call him Pop, his wife, my most wonderful grandmother died in 1998. i miss my grandmother, she is probably 90% of why i am so awesome. i will try to tell you more about her in another post.
2-my mother and father are getting a divorce (they have yet to file because they are waiting to settle their debt with the IRS. this is just the tip of their iceberg.)
3-my mother lives with my Pop, who is not her father, but my Dad's father. (my mom's father died in 2005).
4-yes, that means that my mom lives with her soon-to-be-ex-father-in-law.
5-my father lives 2 hours away from here.
6-my father owns his own business, and my mother has worked with/for him for 20 years, and so they still run the business even though they are getting divorced.
7-my Pop is dating my grandmother from my mother's side.
let me clarify: my dad's dad is dating my mom's mom.
8-yes if they got married my parents would be step-brother and step-sister as well as ex-husband and ex-wife. and believe me, we were all like, WHA? but then we realized that they've known each other for over 20 years, they have 3 grandchildren in common, and they really just seek companionship for yard-saling and senior-citizen buffets.
9-no, we do not live in West Virginia.
10-my Pop collects useless things, like owl paraphanelia and holiday ties from yard sales.
11-my mother collects anything and everything that she sees that is remotely on sale in any store and she visits many stores very often.
12-my mother, my grandfather, and myself are all pack-rats.
13-my mother and i are not the most organized people in the world, but my mother is by-far the messier.
14-living with Pop has made him resentful of my mother. (mainly because she makes a mess and leaves him to clean it)
15-living with Pop has made my mother resentful of him. (mainly because he cleans the messes she makes but then yells at her about it [it should be noted that he is not yelling because he's mad, he just yells to talk, because he's losing his hearing so bad. don't get me started on how loud he talks so that he can hear everything on his cell phone.]
16-living with the 2 of them makes me want to pull my hair out and scream until they stop talking or go to bed.
17-these are the reasons why i find reasons to stay at Carla's house as many nights as possible during the week.
18-these are the reasons why i am excited to move out of this crazy house.
19-OH, and my mother hates her mom, and i hate my grandma as well, and she visits often because she is dating my grandfather. (hate is a strong word, but it's the only way to describe it sometimes because she is downright rude most of the time and careless in her word-choice)
20-when my parent's divorce goes through, my mom will have to move in with my grandmother and my grandfather is going to sell his wood-paneled, plaster-walled, sliding wooden doors, tiny-ass-room house to "mexicans".
did i mention that my Pop had quit smoking for like 15 years, and has recently taken it up again because "he's too old to care"? or that Pop has prostate cancer and is taking birth control pills for it? or that he'll smoke in his room even though the rules are that he has to smoke outside. he'll light it up in his room and expect us not to smell the cigarette-air wofting about the house. it's like he's a teenager!
yes, i believe that we could make a great case-study for Dr. Phil.
wait, where was i going?
oh yeah.
in writing this post it just changed over from Sunday to Monday b/c it was almost midnight when i started posting, and now, even though this blog won't reflect it, it is 12:18 AM on Monday morning, meaning:
it is now T-minus 1 day and counting.
can't wait!
okay.
just so that you might be able to grasp even the slightest clue of what i have had to endure for the last 2 months i'm going to give you the basics.
1-my grandfather is 85 years old, hard of hearing, and crazy. i call him Pop, his wife, my most wonderful grandmother died in 1998. i miss my grandmother, she is probably 90% of why i am so awesome. i will try to tell you more about her in another post.
2-my mother and father are getting a divorce (they have yet to file because they are waiting to settle their debt with the IRS. this is just the tip of their iceberg.)
3-my mother lives with my Pop, who is not her father, but my Dad's father. (my mom's father died in 2005).
4-yes, that means that my mom lives with her soon-to-be-ex-father-in-law.
5-my father lives 2 hours away from here.
6-my father owns his own business, and my mother has worked with/for him for 20 years, and so they still run the business even though they are getting divorced.
7-my Pop is dating my grandmother from my mother's side.
let me clarify: my dad's dad is dating my mom's mom.
8-yes if they got married my parents would be step-brother and step-sister as well as ex-husband and ex-wife. and believe me, we were all like, WHA? but then we realized that they've known each other for over 20 years, they have 3 grandchildren in common, and they really just seek companionship for yard-saling and senior-citizen buffets.
9-no, we do not live in West Virginia.
10-my Pop collects useless things, like owl paraphanelia and holiday ties from yard sales.
11-my mother collects anything and everything that she sees that is remotely on sale in any store and she visits many stores very often.
12-my mother, my grandfather, and myself are all pack-rats.
13-my mother and i are not the most organized people in the world, but my mother is by-far the messier.
14-living with Pop has made him resentful of my mother. (mainly because she makes a mess and leaves him to clean it)
15-living with Pop has made my mother resentful of him. (mainly because he cleans the messes she makes but then yells at her about it [it should be noted that he is not yelling because he's mad, he just yells to talk, because he's losing his hearing so bad. don't get me started on how loud he talks so that he can hear everything on his cell phone.]
16-living with the 2 of them makes me want to pull my hair out and scream until they stop talking or go to bed.
17-these are the reasons why i find reasons to stay at Carla's house as many nights as possible during the week.
18-these are the reasons why i am excited to move out of this crazy house.
19-OH, and my mother hates her mom, and i hate my grandma as well, and she visits often because she is dating my grandfather. (hate is a strong word, but it's the only way to describe it sometimes because she is downright rude most of the time and careless in her word-choice)
20-when my parent's divorce goes through, my mom will have to move in with my grandmother and my grandfather is going to sell his wood-paneled, plaster-walled, sliding wooden doors, tiny-ass-room house to "mexicans".
did i mention that my Pop had quit smoking for like 15 years, and has recently taken it up again because "he's too old to care"? or that Pop has prostate cancer and is taking birth control pills for it? or that he'll smoke in his room even though the rules are that he has to smoke outside. he'll light it up in his room and expect us not to smell the cigarette-air wofting about the house. it's like he's a teenager!
yes, i believe that we could make a great case-study for Dr. Phil.
wait, where was i going?
oh yeah.
in writing this post it just changed over from Sunday to Monday b/c it was almost midnight when i started posting, and now, even though this blog won't reflect it, it is 12:18 AM on Monday morning, meaning:
it is now T-minus 1 day and counting.
can't wait!
Saturday, January 12, 2008
booklist
as i named my blog life by the book, i thought i should list the books that i have either started or finished in the time that i started blogging. one of my main goals is to read at least one book a month (which is a low goal for me, but i get so distracted by tv that i'm hoping to up the count sometime soon)
-Wicked by Gregory Maguire (currently reading)
-Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert (currently reading)
-Extras by Scott Westerfield (didn't finish it, but i plan on borrowing it from the library once i move!)
-The IT Girl's Guide to Blogging with Moxie by Joelle Reeder and Katherine Scoleri (i love this book!)
-Write is a Verb by Bill O'Hanlon (supposed to help me get my butt into writing again)
-Love Smart by Dr. Phil (okay, this only counts if i could get past those sickening hearts on every page, so........it only counts because i have opened the front cover and looked at the first pages)
-Animal, Vegetable, Mineral by Barbara Kingsolver (i was reading this before i left Seth, and because i last read it two nights before i left, i cannot bring myself to read it anymore. it was also a birthday present from him to me this past year. so...not done with it yet)
-Secrets of a Former Fat Girl by Lisa Delaney (never finished it, but i LOVED it and fully intend on buying it sometime soon)
these are just the books that i am in the middle of, don't get me started on my list of books that i want to read. working in a bookstore has meant that my list has quadrupled in 2 short months!
-Wicked by Gregory Maguire (currently reading)
-Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert (currently reading)
-Extras by Scott Westerfield (didn't finish it, but i plan on borrowing it from the library once i move!)
-The IT Girl's Guide to Blogging with Moxie by Joelle Reeder and Katherine Scoleri (i love this book!)
-Write is a Verb by Bill O'Hanlon (supposed to help me get my butt into writing again)
-Love Smart by Dr. Phil (okay, this only counts if i could get past those sickening hearts on every page, so........it only counts because i have opened the front cover and looked at the first pages)
-Animal, Vegetable, Mineral by Barbara Kingsolver (i was reading this before i left Seth, and because i last read it two nights before i left, i cannot bring myself to read it anymore. it was also a birthday present from him to me this past year. so...not done with it yet)
-Secrets of a Former Fat Girl by Lisa Delaney (never finished it, but i LOVED it and fully intend on buying it sometime soon)
these are just the books that i am in the middle of, don't get me started on my list of books that i want to read. working in a bookstore has meant that my list has quadrupled in 2 short months!
no more.............
no more creeeeeeepy customers after 3:00 tomorrow! it's my last day working at the bookstore tomorrow, and honestly, i'm SO ready for it.
no more people having mini-meltdowns because their coupon isn't working.
no more people asking me why we don't price compare with online bookstores.
no more people setting off the doorway alarms and then looking at me like "I didn't do it".
no more people smacking their children right in front of me because the whole area surrounding the cash register is the most attention distracting area for kids ever: toys, candy, things to poke.
and best of all, no more people asking me to look up a book even though i have already pointed them to the information desk and i have told them that i am not allowed to leave the registers because there is a LINE wrapping around the store.
and even though i could very easily find myself writing a "why i hate being unemployed" post in the next week, i'm so happy not to be a cashier anymore after tomorrow. i am going to get a full-time job, one where i don't have to stand on my feet for 6 hours straight and i don't have to do it for pennies.
i am probably one of the most optimistic and upbeat people in the world, and i just KNOW that there are only good things ahead in 2008. this move to a new place is just the kick in the pants that i need!
here are some of my plans for the upcoming month(s):
-move into the new AWESOME townhouse
-unpack and purge from things that i do not need. (i am a clutterbug and a pack-rat, this means that not only do i have a lot of stuff, but i don't even know where most of it is most of the time.)
-have an interview and land a full-time job (my first one!)
-get a kitten and spoil it rotten! (once i have a steady income, of course. and i want it to be either gray-tabby or white)
-make new friends and keep the ones i've already got
-write, write, write. (i have a novel that i work on from time to time)
-decide whether i will be doing my Masters in Creative Writing this fall or next spring.
-start running again, and train for and finish a half-marathon.
-plan and go on at least 1 international trip. (it's about damn time i use my passport again. that thing is itching for stamps!)
here are some things that i have been daydreaming about owning/buying whenever i get a full-time job:
-a Nintendo Wii
-a nice digital camera
-a Dodge Caliber
-gym membership and/or a personal trainer
oh, i feel like there are more to add to this list, so don't be surprised if i update this again later.
alright.
i'm done distracting myself from the looming prospect of packing my stuff.
-lisa-
no more people having mini-meltdowns because their coupon isn't working.
no more people asking me why we don't price compare with online bookstores.
no more people setting off the doorway alarms and then looking at me like "I didn't do it".
no more people smacking their children right in front of me because the whole area surrounding the cash register is the most attention distracting area for kids ever: toys, candy, things to poke.
and best of all, no more people asking me to look up a book even though i have already pointed them to the information desk and i have told them that i am not allowed to leave the registers because there is a LINE wrapping around the store.
and even though i could very easily find myself writing a "why i hate being unemployed" post in the next week, i'm so happy not to be a cashier anymore after tomorrow. i am going to get a full-time job, one where i don't have to stand on my feet for 6 hours straight and i don't have to do it for pennies.
i am probably one of the most optimistic and upbeat people in the world, and i just KNOW that there are only good things ahead in 2008. this move to a new place is just the kick in the pants that i need!
here are some of my plans for the upcoming month(s):
-move into the new AWESOME townhouse
-unpack and purge from things that i do not need. (i am a clutterbug and a pack-rat, this means that not only do i have a lot of stuff, but i don't even know where most of it is most of the time.)
-have an interview and land a full-time job (my first one!)
-get a kitten and spoil it rotten! (once i have a steady income, of course. and i want it to be either gray-tabby or white)
-make new friends and keep the ones i've already got
-write, write, write. (i have a novel that i work on from time to time)
-decide whether i will be doing my Masters in Creative Writing this fall or next spring.
-start running again, and train for and finish a half-marathon.
-plan and go on at least 1 international trip. (it's about damn time i use my passport again. that thing is itching for stamps!)
here are some things that i have been daydreaming about owning/buying whenever i get a full-time job:
-a Nintendo Wii
-a nice digital camera
-a Dodge Caliber
-gym membership and/or a personal trainer
oh, i feel like there are more to add to this list, so don't be surprised if i update this again later.
alright.
i'm done distracting myself from the looming prospect of packing my stuff.
-lisa-
Friday, January 11, 2008
from the horse's mouth
this is a direct copy and paste from my email, it's from Seth.
he is working an hourly job at a retail store, and i am going to be unemployed any-day now as i was only a seasonal hire at the bookstore where i work, (although i plan on being hired by the company that i had a mini-interview with yesterday), and so, i thought about having him try to find a way to file the papers himself, OR finding a lawyer who doesn't charge $640 to do our un-marry-ment papers.
oh well, i have no idea how lawyers can charge so much, but that is not up to me.
as for now, i am going to go spend the better part of my day standing behind a cash-register and get paid only $7.50 an hour to do it.
at least it's friday!
i move into my new place on Tuesday!!!!!!!!!
hey
I found out today that I have to have lived in KY for 6 months before we can file divorce here. So it looks like it will be a couple more months before we can start it up. It also looks like it will be about $640 that we can split. Thats about as cheap as it gets here and not all that bad all things considered. The laws are pretty dang intricate and its not really easy to file yourself. I'll let you know as I find more stuff out. It will be about 60 days after we file for it all to go through. (aproximatly) So, looks like we are in this until about Mayish. Alrighty, I guess I'll talk to you later. -Seth
he is working an hourly job at a retail store, and i am going to be unemployed any-day now as i was only a seasonal hire at the bookstore where i work, (although i plan on being hired by the company that i had a mini-interview with yesterday), and so, i thought about having him try to find a way to file the papers himself, OR finding a lawyer who doesn't charge $640 to do our un-marry-ment papers.
oh well, i have no idea how lawyers can charge so much, but that is not up to me.
as for now, i am going to go spend the better part of my day standing behind a cash-register and get paid only $7.50 an hour to do it.
at least it's friday!
i move into my new place on Tuesday!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
ettiquette for the unmarried
so.
Seth and i spent a long time picking out the fine china from the Kate Spade collection, only to use it once, and now that we are getting un-married, well, we certainly have no use for it. so i called him and left him a voicemail the other night, just to say that we needed to talk.
he called today and we talked. i asked him what we should do about the china, and he said that he would have to talk to his aunt because all of our china is over there at her house...but i think the plan is try to return it, and then split the money.
then i asked about whether or not he had filed the un-marry-ment papers, and he was like, "I haven't had the chance yet, I've been working during daytime work hours, so I haven't gotten to talk to the lawyers yet." and i was like, well, let me know when you do, okay? and he's like "Well, okay, but I am busy, so I will try to fit it in."
then he says, "I've still be thinking about those rings, and I think that you need to give them back so that I can sell them because I mean, I bought them with my money, so I think it is only fair that I should have them back."
me: "i don't agree, i mean, you gave them to me. they are mine."
him: "but I bought them"
me: "but they belong to me. they are mine to keep or sell or do whatever i want with."
him: "okay, well I think we should talk about this more later."
me: "well, i'm going to hold onto them."
when i hung up i just wanted to throw the phone. i had hot tears welling up in my eyes. how does he still have the power to make me feel like sh*t from 4 states away. UGH.
they are not his rings, they are mine. am i wrong?
Seth and i spent a long time picking out the fine china from the Kate Spade collection, only to use it once, and now that we are getting un-married, well, we certainly have no use for it. so i called him and left him a voicemail the other night, just to say that we needed to talk.
he called today and we talked. i asked him what we should do about the china, and he said that he would have to talk to his aunt because all of our china is over there at her house...but i think the plan is try to return it, and then split the money.
then i asked about whether or not he had filed the un-marry-ment papers, and he was like, "I haven't had the chance yet, I've been working during daytime work hours, so I haven't gotten to talk to the lawyers yet." and i was like, well, let me know when you do, okay? and he's like "Well, okay, but I am busy, so I will try to fit it in."
then he says, "I've still be thinking about those rings, and I think that you need to give them back so that I can sell them because I mean, I bought them with my money, so I think it is only fair that I should have them back."
me: "i don't agree, i mean, you gave them to me. they are mine."
him: "but I bought them"
me: "but they belong to me. they are mine to keep or sell or do whatever i want with."
him: "okay, well I think we should talk about this more later."
me: "well, i'm going to hold onto them."
when i hung up i just wanted to throw the phone. i had hot tears welling up in my eyes. how does he still have the power to make me feel like sh*t from 4 states away. UGH.
they are not his rings, they are mine. am i wrong?
Monday, January 7, 2008
moving in less than a week
so, that's it. i'm moving out of my mom's house (WOO HOO) in less than a week (EEEEK!)
um. okay, in my head January 15 sounded so good when it was further away.
but now that it is here, i am excited about it. it is going to be great. i'll live with Carla, i'll get myself a kitten, and i will be on my own two feet. we found a place to live about a week and a half ago, which is exciting because it is perfect and it is totally affordable too!
here's the thing, i'm going to be moving on the 15th, then i will be going to Florida for my friend Jeannie's wedding on Jan 18 and i won't be back until the 21st. so, as of the 21st i will be an official resident of Wake County, North Carolina.
i spend the better part of my day today calling about jobs and worrying about jobs. i know that something is going to pan out, it's just a matter of being patient.
today, while i was freaking out about this job situation, you know, joblessness, i just stood still and thought to myself
so, that's just a peek into my brain from today. i've been thinking thinking thinking. non-stop. and praying too. right before my marriage fell apart, i had gotten to where i wasn't even on speaking terms with God. and i mean that, because honestly, i just felt like He wasn't listening. but now that i am alone and i have a lot of time to think and reflect on things, i have found that He was listening but i wasn't paying attention. on New Years Eve after i went to be at about 1 am, i was lying there, and i prayed my first heartfelt prayer of 2008, and before i wrapped it up i promised that even though this was my first heartfelt prayer of the year, it would definitely not be my last.
so far, He's listening and i'm trying my best to pay attention.
um. okay, in my head January 15 sounded so good when it was further away.
but now that it is here, i am excited about it. it is going to be great. i'll live with Carla, i'll get myself a kitten, and i will be on my own two feet. we found a place to live about a week and a half ago, which is exciting because it is perfect and it is totally affordable too!
here's the thing, i'm going to be moving on the 15th, then i will be going to Florida for my friend Jeannie's wedding on Jan 18 and i won't be back until the 21st. so, as of the 21st i will be an official resident of Wake County, North Carolina.
i spend the better part of my day today calling about jobs and worrying about jobs. i know that something is going to pan out, it's just a matter of being patient.
today, while i was freaking out about this job situation, you know, joblessness, i just stood still and thought to myself
what is God trying to teach me through this frustrating period in my life? what lessons are there to be learned during my current state of impatience and blind-faith? i can feel deep down inside myself that leaving Seth was the best decision hard decision that i have ever made, and it happened at the same time as Carla getting her big job and needing to move, so the decision to move with Carla seemed the best decision. be alone, or live with the most fabulous friend i've had in a very long time.....hm....not too hard to decide, but the next part of the equation is to find work so that i can afford to live with Carla. so....this is the next step. it is not like you can snap your fingers and instantly find a full-time job, but you can't sit on your butt and expect a full-time job to come to you. so, what can i learn from this limbo? i can learn that things happen in God's timing, i have to believe that good things will happen in order for myself to be ready when those good things do happen.
so, that's just a peek into my brain from today. i've been thinking thinking thinking. non-stop. and praying too. right before my marriage fell apart, i had gotten to where i wasn't even on speaking terms with God. and i mean that, because honestly, i just felt like He wasn't listening. but now that i am alone and i have a lot of time to think and reflect on things, i have found that He was listening but i wasn't paying attention. on New Years Eve after i went to be at about 1 am, i was lying there, and i prayed my first heartfelt prayer of 2008, and before i wrapped it up i promised that even though this was my first heartfelt prayer of the year, it would definitely not be my last.
so far, He's listening and i'm trying my best to pay attention.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
going, going, gone
it's hard to have come home and had to feel like i was an intruder in my mom/grandfather's house, and feel like a squatter because i stay at Carla's house more than she does (okay not really, but i sure am over there a lot), and to feel like i have a hodge-podge friend group made up of the random people who still live where we grew up and trying to balance hanging out and job-time, but i have to say that one of my good friends, Ray, actually, he may be one of the best friends i've ever had, is moving to Texas on Wednesday. and even though it is Sunday, a good portion of his remaining time in North Carolina is going to be spent with his family.
Carla and i are a little devastated, and i think the main reason why i am having such a hard time with Ray moving away is that i feel like i am losing a member of my family. he said to us the other day "it's not like I'm dying, I'll see you again." and while it is true, he's going to seminary in Texas and will be there for 3 years. things happen over time and i know that things will never be the same, the circumstances will have changed and we won't be able to have our quality hang out times where we laugh and joke and talk and goof off. and it's not a romantic thing for Ray in any way, he is totally like a brother to me, but it's just something about knowing that the next time we'll be able to hang-out he might have a wife in tow, or Carla could have a husband in tow, and the dynamics will be different and i don't want things to change.
Carla and i are a little devastated, and i think the main reason why i am having such a hard time with Ray moving away is that i feel like i am losing a member of my family. he said to us the other day "it's not like I'm dying, I'll see you again." and while it is true, he's going to seminary in Texas and will be there for 3 years. things happen over time and i know that things will never be the same, the circumstances will have changed and we won't be able to have our quality hang out times where we laugh and joke and talk and goof off. and it's not a romantic thing for Ray in any way, he is totally like a brother to me, but it's just something about knowing that the next time we'll be able to hang-out he might have a wife in tow, or Carla could have a husband in tow, and the dynamics will be different and i don't want things to change.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
it's contagious
watch out.
apparently divorces are contagious!
well, okay i'm totally joking but tonight i am babysitting and when i showed up, the mom was having a little wine (you know, before she gets in her car to drive across town), and we were talking about my move and trying to find a job, and she says, oh-so-casually, "I'm going to be needing a new job here soon. I think in about a year I'm going to tell their dad [points to the kids sitting at the dinner table] that he can just stay in Florida and that we don't need him. He came up for Christmas and he's practically a stranger."
i'm kind of stunned by her candidness and i was just like, "Whoa, really?"
and she dumps out the rest of her wine in the sink and says "Yep. I just have to make sure we're going to make it financially without him."
Oh.
oh, if that's all, then yeah, dump that wine down the sink and go out bowling with friends.
no biggie.
i guess i just didn't realize that someone would say these things right in front of two children, who are in the first and second grade! i mean, these aren't babies! they have got to understand what this is going to mean for them!
okay. well, i just had to share. i'm probably going to blog again soon, i can feel it.
apparently divorces are contagious!
well, okay i'm totally joking but tonight i am babysitting and when i showed up, the mom was having a little wine (you know, before she gets in her car to drive across town), and we were talking about my move and trying to find a job, and she says, oh-so-casually, "I'm going to be needing a new job here soon. I think in about a year I'm going to tell their dad [points to the kids sitting at the dinner table] that he can just stay in Florida and that we don't need him. He came up for Christmas and he's practically a stranger."
i'm kind of stunned by her candidness and i was just like, "Whoa, really?"
and she dumps out the rest of her wine in the sink and says "Yep. I just have to make sure we're going to make it financially without him."
Oh.
oh, if that's all, then yeah, dump that wine down the sink and go out bowling with friends.
no biggie.
i guess i just didn't realize that someone would say these things right in front of two children, who are in the first and second grade! i mean, these aren't babies! they have got to understand what this is going to mean for them!
okay. well, i just had to share. i'm probably going to blog again soon, i can feel it.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Nancy Meyers is my best friend
or at least, she should be.
based solely on the dialogue below, from the movie "The Holiday", which Nancy wrote, i need to meet Mrs. Meyers so that i can kiss her on the lips.
this is a short little monologue by Iris, played by Kate Winslet, and to me, it captures most of every detail that i ever felt while i was married:
I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places that you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends, you still go to bed every night, going over every detail, and wonder what you did wrong, or how you could've misunderstood. and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy? you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light....and after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new, and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back, and all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.
gah. Nancy.
seriously.
hits me in the gut.
if you haven't seen this movie, then please, do yourself a favor, escape reality just for a little bit, and RENT IT or BUY IT.
based solely on the dialogue below, from the movie "The Holiday", which Nancy wrote, i need to meet Mrs. Meyers so that i can kiss her on the lips.
this is a short little monologue by Iris, played by Kate Winslet, and to me, it captures most of every detail that i ever felt while i was married:
I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places that you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends, you still go to bed every night, going over every detail, and wonder what you did wrong, or how you could've misunderstood. and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy? you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light....and after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new, and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back, and all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.
gah. Nancy.
seriously.
hits me in the gut.
if you haven't seen this movie, then please, do yourself a favor, escape reality just for a little bit, and RENT IT or BUY IT.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
gotta call Seth
i have to make a point to call Seth so that i can arrange 2 things:
1-to make sure he knows that he is not going to be able to sell my rings, but that if i decide to sell them, then that is completely up to me and me alone.
and
2-because of the bills that i am going to have to pay coming up soon, i need to talk to Seth in order to get him to talk to his aunt because we stored our *completely unopened fine china* at her house before we moved and now, since i cannot imagine that either of us wants to dine on those lovely plates and serving-wares, then maybe i can take them back to the department store where they all came from and get some store credit.
so, how do i go about saying all of that in a nice way, i have no idea, i'm less good at making things sound nice as i am at just being flat-out brutally honest.
besides this recent development in the "need to call Seth" category, i have exciting news on the job-front, i don't have an interview yet, BUT i find out tomorrow if i will be scheduled for an interview or not.....so....pray it up for that because i really need to land some kind of job in order to hold down the AWESOME place that i found for Carla and i to move into! :)
things are working out, one little domino at a time.
1-to make sure he knows that he is not going to be able to sell my rings, but that if i decide to sell them, then that is completely up to me and me alone.
and
2-because of the bills that i am going to have to pay coming up soon, i need to talk to Seth in order to get him to talk to his aunt because we stored our *completely unopened fine china* at her house before we moved and now, since i cannot imagine that either of us wants to dine on those lovely plates and serving-wares, then maybe i can take them back to the department store where they all came from and get some store credit.
so, how do i go about saying all of that in a nice way, i have no idea, i'm less good at making things sound nice as i am at just being flat-out brutally honest.
besides this recent development in the "need to call Seth" category, i have exciting news on the job-front, i don't have an interview yet, BUT i find out tomorrow if i will be scheduled for an interview or not.....so....pray it up for that because i really need to land some kind of job in order to hold down the AWESOME place that i found for Carla and i to move into! :)
things are working out, one little domino at a time.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
moving up and moving on
just the thought of not living with my mother and grandfather anymore is enough motivation to get me the heck out of here! i am so excited to move sometime this month, but the biggest drawback right now is: i still haven't heard back from the job-front.
i can't afford to move until i know that i have a job lined up....
good news though:
Carla and i found the PERFECT place to move to, now it's just a matter of telling Joe, our new landlord, when we want to move in!
YAY!
also, i've been browsing meetup.com so that we can make a smooth transition into finding friends once we move. pretty exciting!?
i can't afford to move until i know that i have a job lined up....
good news though:
Carla and i found the PERFECT place to move to, now it's just a matter of telling Joe, our new landlord, when we want to move in!
YAY!
also, i've been browsing meetup.com so that we can make a smooth transition into finding friends once we move. pretty exciting!?
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