guest blog by Carla

today's post was not written by me, although, i feel like had i not gotten married, i could very well have written it myself. today's blog is written by my nearest and dearest friend, Carla. enjoy.

Sex. Why I don’t have it. Why shouldn’t I have it?
(For my future daughters or sons to read, and whoever else gives a rip about this subject)

I’m 26 years old. I’m still a virgin. What is wrong with this picture? According to all my nursing classes, we make a very big deal about this man named “Maslow” that came up with this hierarchy of needs that is necessary for all humans. The bottom of the pyramid, the part that has to be met before any other area can be, includes Shelter, Food, Safety, and SEX! All of which I participate in except for one… SEX. Well if it’s true, that sex is part of what we need to have to be functional, healthy, and self actualizing… well then I’M SCREWED- not literally of course. Christianity has taught me to wait until I’m married, to save myself for that one person to give it up to on my wedding night. Biblically I’ve only found scripture that says the marriage bed should be kept pure, and stay away from adultery- even in your thoughts… but where does it say, don’t have sex before you’re married?

I had coffee with my good friend Lori tonight and I left very frustrated… sexually and mentally speaking- but not b/c of her. We were talking about this and how she said she admired me for waiting and she doesn’t see how I do it. Not exactly an encouraging word to hear no matter how she meant it. This is a God loving, Christ committed, wonderfully happy married woman, who waited to have sex with her husband until their wedding night. She says that sex is like food and water for her, and that if for some reason her husband died, she doesn’t know how long she could go without it. That is not exactly encouraging for a virgin such as myself, or better yet a very curvatious, sexually mature, clearly fertile, raring to go 26 year old woman such as myself. I kept thinking, "man, I really am missing out!" In fact, as she talked I became more aware of how angry I was that I wasn’t having sex and how jealous I am of her that she actually gets to throw down and dirty as much as she wants every week! So I ask her, where in the bible does it really say to “wait until you are married? HUH?” She confirmed my thought with; "it doesn’t really word for word say that, you are right." We continue our conversation with all the responsibilities that come with sex, and the reason for sex, and the commitment that sex requires, and that is why God warns us about sex and sets some ground rules. I still found myself getting worked up and feeling like the Christian community has done a really good job of teaching and telling teenagers about the “don’ts” about sex but done a really shitty job of teaching the “whys” of not having sex. We have packaged it up into this “God is going to hate you if you do have sex” box and expected raging hormonal teenagers to accept that and then wonder why they turn away from the church and God in sexual shame when one day the battle between the mind and body is too hard to fight. Why did God say keep the marriage bed pure? Why did he say to steer clear of lusting after another man’s wife (or vice versa for us ladies)? Why did he say it’s better to marry than to burn in singleness?- “burning” meaning in the sexual desire sense.

Here’s what I think… and I think it’s pretty spot on! There are a few things that are for sure…

1. Sex is AWESOME! (I know that, even without having the real thing)

2. Sex connects people

3. Sex releases a billion hormones that connect people to one another

4. Sex is risky

5. Sex brings responsibility- for the person, and for the body

6. Sex is messy- physically and emotionally

7. Sex is the closest any two people can come to one another- it’s the ultimate!

8. Sex is for reproduction

9. Sex brings bodily pleasure

This is why I don’t have sex. The emotional and physical tie that it would give to me and someone would be TOO MUCH for me to let go of. The responsibility that sex brings is more than I’m willing to gamble with, with someone who might not be fully committed to me and who might not be able to take responsibility for what I will require after I have it. I am not ready to have children. I do not want an STD. I know that once I start, I won’t be able to stop. I do not want to risk being broken over having sex with someone who leaves me, when I already find it hard to get over someone who makes out with me. I don’t want to give that part of myself to someone who isn’t committed to me, who might not love me for everything that I am, and who might not be in it with me for the long haul. When will someone prove to me that they deserve my body and this fine piece of ass? When they marry me- and commit their life to me!

That’s what I think God was getting at with these rules. He knows that he made sex to be incredible, to be a vital part of life- and he knows what it intales. It takes commitment, honor, and responsibility. I don’t think that is possible in just a dating relationship, and even in an engagement- who’s to say it’s the right thing? Once you’ve given it up there is no going back and there is something lost when it is given up, as well as gained. I’m not willing to gamble losing it for nothing. Even in marriage, sex is still a gamble… but at least it’s in a commitment. People die, people marry again, mistakes are made, people marry the wrong person, people have sex anyway… but God doesn’t hate us for that. He’s just trying to let us know, “hey, I know what sex is, I made it!! I’m just trying to help you get yourself to the point and to the commitment level it takes to help you have the best sex of your life!”

I wonder if I should be so mad at my friends who are in committed relationships and are having sex. Am I angry because I’ve been taught to wait until I'm married? Am I jealous because I’m not having any? Yes, a little of both; however, speaking for myself, I’m not having it until I have the right circumstance and the right relationship… and according to the bible and according to LIFE… marriage looks like the safest place. Anything else is just asking for trouble, and risking giving away the most precious thing I can give to someone- my body, and my heart.

To my friends who have it, I say WHATEVER… but consider yourself warned, and know that I’m still a little jealous of you. If you get through dating, engagement and onto marriage being sexually active and still feel like everything worked out… well then count your blessings and thank the Lord that you didn’t have to experience any of the downsides of sex outside of marriage. I’m just not willing to risk that.

So, I’ll keep waiting… damn it. I’ll wait even when I’m dating. I’ll wait even when I’m engaged. And to Maslow, I say, I can live and function without it for now, but to my future husband I say… strap yourself in honey, because you are in for the RIDE OF YOUR LIFE… literally!

------Carla

what do you think about Carla's situation? comments? insights?