underneath

the other night i could not sleep.

my younger sister has come home for her winter break from college and so i've been sharing a bed with her.

she has to go to sleep early because she works as a CNA at a local hospital and has to get up and work very early.

so she was already asleep and it was getting late and i knew i needed to get some rest, but i was restless.

so i got in bed, and as i lay there, for the next hour and a half, i couldn't sleep.

my mind wandered from one subject to another:

-my wedding and engagement rings, what do i do with them? if i needed the money would it be wrong to sell them? should i give them back to Seth and just do away with the weirdness of having them?

-being completely and solidly broke so much that i cannot afford to buy presents for anyone. that my plans for this Christmas really just include writing some quality letters to my friends and family.

-the fact that i am an incredible woman and the fact that Seth missed this point is precisely why it was unhealthy for me to stay in that marriage. i mean, seriously, i am a catch. the man that i want to spend the rest of my life with needs to be the kind of man who realizes how lucky we are to have each other!

-i've been trying to find a full-time job and this week i need to do some follow-up calls in order to see what the status of my job applications are....this really freaks me out mainly because i am on my own. all by myself.

-i want to get a kitten sometime next spring, and i want to spoil that kitten, oh, and i want it to be a gray tabby kitten.

all of these thoughts kept me awake, lying in the dark, alone in the bed next to my 20 year old sweet little sister, and at times i cried to myself, trying not to shake the bed too much because i didn't want to wake her up. and after i cried, i tried to console myself by thinking about the things that i do have going for me right now:

-my writing
-my mom
-my dad
-my sisters
-a place to live that is rent-free
-my laughter
-my friends
-my future